banging my head against a wall

Ah yes, here is my deep guilt.
And my incredulous disbelief.
And my immediate sadness.
And my reluctant compassion.

And a huge desire to let the past go.

And an even bigger yearning to be living right now.

"I guess that I will always feel that had circumstances been different you and I would have made a great couple and familly and would have a familly with lovely kids maybe that would be 6 and 5 now or something.  I think you would have been a great mom.  Maybe we will still get the chance ... who knows."


Sigh.

Happiness

what is happiness?

why is it something that people search for it over and over?

why is it something that seems so elusive?

why doesn't it reveal itself in the depths of heartache
or find itself nestled in the corner of one's soul?

why does it feel hard to enjoy?

why do we need permission to feel it? To let go and soak it in?

~ lml, November 2011

Remember why...

motivation

procrastination

i feel stupid

i feel smart

i love this work

i'm bored

this excites me

i know i'm growing

what am I doing

how will I get there

do more

be different

have fun

work harder

remember why you are doing this

~ lala September 8, 2011