hard to write

I'm finding it hard to write these days; not because I'm lacking time, which I am, nor because I'm lacking material, which I'm not, but because I'm in a bizarre place. My world is changing and I can feel it! My perspectives are shifting. My mind is stretching. Everything seems upside down.

I'm loving being in school! (I can't believe I am saying that!) I am thriving on the stimulation and the challenge. I'm soaking up new information and new interactions like a cup of coffee at 5am - greedy and guzzling. I am facing my fears head on and enjoying the thrill of experiencing a new way of dealing with things that I wouldn't have coped with in the past. I am dizzy and excited, feeling like an archaelogist discovering new worlds!

I am also, it seems, healing my old wounds. I can't seem to stop dreaming about my university days and I wake up feeling disoriented. I'm thrown off by the intense intellectual conversations with former friends and acquaintances in my dream world that seem like I just had them in my waking state. I get angry because past professors tell me that I am not capable of doing what I am. I catch myself calling people by the names of people from my past. I've even been driving to Cognos, my old stomping grounds, when I leave for work.

I find myself in situations with my new team that a month ago, a year ago, would have tied my stomach in knots and left me with a defeated sense of fatigue, that I now find invigorating and interesting. I am feeling challenged and open. I feel like I am in a trusted place to push these boundaries and try new things. I take charge. I listen. I ask questions. I read the newspaper and get it (for the most part).

I love my new team - the boys as I affectionately call them - we get along really well and I enjoy spending time with them. Which is a good thing, because we do spend a lot of time together. And yet, I'm sensitive to the fact that there are other people I miss hearing from and interacting with... a soreness that I know won't be taken care of for awhile yet. I'm cognizant that there may be a few close friends whom I won't know at the end of this journey, and a few new ones that will be added to my fold.

I recognize that it's early days yet, and I know I have a long 15 months ahead of me, but I am so thrilled by this buzz and this adrenalin surge in me. I find it fascinating that my soul wants to heal the past and lose my old conditioning as I blaze trails that I've never traveled on before. And for now, while I'm caught in this crazy place, all I can do is throw my head back and laugh! "Bring it on!"