That's going to be the hardest lesson for me to learn.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Grading my learning
The grades have just started coming in. OK, one grade arrived today. One single grade for a 4 page assignment that was due the second week of class. Irrespective of the medium that the mark arrived in (an email instead of being handed out in class), I'm immediately right back there. In class. I've got the knot in my stomach and I'm fighting back tears. I'm thinking why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I have done better? I feel that deep yearning to want to succeed and, almost as quickly, the resigned "I'm not surprised, what did you expect?" shrugging of my shoulders. I am determined to change this habit - this old pattern of response and reflex. I WANT to learn. I want to improve. I want to be excited. I want to try harder. And yes, I want to do better. But I also, desperately, want to be OK with who I am.
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2 comments:
amen, lady.
Wow, I think we talked about this at the time. How we both have these feelings of inadequacy. Even today, when I would suggest that I've become a well-oiled assignment producing machine, I am still disappointed if my grade is not up to my personal expectations. It's like I need to work harder when I am already working OH SO HARD. I think you hit the nail on the head: I need to be OK with who I am.
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