crushed

I hate the feeling of wanting something in the deepest recesses of your soul. Of knowing that it's right for you because you feel your heart soar at the prospect of doing it. Of jumping in and taking off. You feel the possibility and it feels good. You can see yourself working hard and working towards making the world better. You can feel the weight of the tasks on your shoulder and know that they will balance out with the lightness in your spirit. It hurts when it doesn't come to fruition. It's a visceral pain. And it's worse when the gremlins come out to taunt you, sending their messages that constrict your positivism and optimism - winding themselves inside your head like a bandage and smothering your voice - reminding you of all that you haven't accomplished or done; of all that you aren't worth and not capable of doing. The work is just beginning for me, I guess. To find the path to go from here to there - to break through the cloud of frustration and fear - and push harder. Building the networks, being constructive, finding the right fit, taking baby steps. I know I can do it, and I will, but damn, it hurts.