musings

banging my head against a wall

2011-12-21T19:23:00.002-05:00

Ah yes, here is my deep guilt.
And my incredulous disbelief.
And my immediate sadness.
And my reluctant compassion.

And a huge desire to let the past go.

And an even bigger yearning to be living right now.

"I guess that I will always feel that had circumstances been different you and I would have made a great couple and familly and would have a familly with lovely kids maybe that would be 6 and 5 now or something. I think you would have been a great mom. Maybe we will still get the chance ... who knows."

Sigh.

Happiness

2011-11-07T10:40:00.000-05:00

what is happiness?

why is it something that people search for it over and over?

why is it something that seems so elusive?

why doesn't it reveal itself in the depths of heartache
or find itself nestled in the corner of one's soul?

why does it feel hard to enjoy?

why do we need permission to feel it? To let go and soak it in?

~ lml, November 2011

Remember why...

2011-09-14T11:36:00.000-04:00

motivation

procrastination

i feel stupid

i feel smart

i love this work

i'm bored

this excites me

i know i'm growing

what am I doing

how will I get there

do more

be different

have fun

work harder

remember why you are doing this

~ lala September 8, 2011

the refrain

2011-09-08T08:34:00.000-04:00

I wrote this last week, when I was struggling with something that seemed, in the moment, massive and life-altering. It blistered and festered and surprised me by it's forcefulness.
With a wonderful friend's little nudge towards gentleness and perspective, much of this anger passed.
I am grateful for his kindness and for his encouragement. I am grateful for so many things in my life.
But, sometimes, in the quiet of the night, I still hear this refrain.

the refrain

I'm talking the talk. I talk, and I talk.

I'm really good at talking.

I play the game. Yes, I want a good job. Yes, I have goals.

Yes, I want that. Yes, I need that. Yes, why not?

It's the same refrain since I was a little girl.

Seeing much more, yearning for it, feeling it at my finger tips...

...and then ignoring it. Not paying attention to it.

I always wanted to dance. To sing.

I've never taken lessons.

I never just turn the music up and do it.

What am I waiting for? Someone to show me how to move my lips?

I long to travel the world. To explore.

To set my sights on wonders and dig deep inside me.

My backpack lies unused in my closet. Unpacked.

What am I waiting for? Permission to leave?

Learning a new language. Reading the piles of books on my shelf.

Drawing. Getting fit. Learning to cook. Starting a new business. Investing in stocks. Buying real estate.

It's like I expect that these things will creep into my subconscious and suddenly, I'll just start doing them.

What stops me from starting? What stops me from doing?

Why am I paralyzed?

I love being over 6 feet

Embracing my inner Amazon queen

I stand tall and straight

But what you don't see is that I still care so much about how you see me

How much it hurts that I'm still here and you are over there.

How do I get there?

I love being unconventional - doing things differently.

I like not fitting in to the cookie cutter boxes and white picket fences.

I read "The Ethical Slut" and "Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be"

But really, yes, this white-washed Caucasian is really rocking the world with her Reitman's clothing and her Merrell footwear.

Yes, I have a pair of Trivium shoes and a great pair of purple pleather pants..... awesome!

I never wear them. They sit in my closet.

I don't even have a tattoo.

I have yet to get my dreadlocks. I've never lived on a commune.

I am not homeless, free spirited or raw.

I'm pretty fucking conventional.

This is the same refrain that I've been living since I was a teenager.

Since I wanted to run away to Brazil to save the rain forest.

I didn't do it then. I'm not doing it now.

What's stopping me?

Fear? Sloth? Lethargy? Apathy?

Am I just hoping that some great person will take me under their wing because they see the "potential" in me?

Why can't I just trust that I am OK? That I have potential enough. That it's time to just go.

Stop waiting and go. Why haven't I gone?

So I got laid off. 4 months ago. What have I done with that time?

And here I am, a Wednesday night. I'm in front of my computer writing when I could be doing something different.

Something more. Something else.

Serving dinner at a soup kitchen. Helping orphans in Africa. Feeling like I am physically making a difference in this world.

Instead of sitting in my comfortable home. With a beautiful and loving friend. With all the amenities I could ever imagine.

With air conditioning. A cuddly cat. Movies. Good food.

Feeling sorry for myself.

Really?

It's the same refrain that I've been living since I was in my twenties and thirties.

Feeling so out of place in this world - and catching glimpses of my authentic soul.

Glimpses which make me ache and move me to tears.

Glimpses which smack me in the face and remind me about who I am.

I saw it when I was in the woods - searching for lost and missing people.

I saw it when I was a Big Sister to a girl-child who became part of my family.

I felt it in the moments when I unflinchingly wrote my pain and my sorrow in poetry.

I felt it when I was at my lowest. When my compassion was at its highest.

When I sat in front of the mirror and peeled away the layers of lies and the pretenses accumulated during the day.

The yeses and pleases. The inability to say no. The overriding need to say yes.

The realization that I wanted to make peace and keep things harmonious.

When really, what I was doing was causing a torrential storm of rage and emotion inside of myself.

I am not yet forty and I refuse to live this same refrain. I refuse to.

I know that what is inside me and what I think I have to do are totally separate.

I don't know where the distinction is and I don't know how to find it out.

But it's there.

I need to be me. I need to be authentic. I need to live the life that I want.

I need to do. I need to go. I need to grow.

~ June 2011

crickets...

2011-04-29T10:30:00.000-04:00

I think the hardest part of losing a job is the silence that comes.

There is a big rush of support and encouragement at the beginning, a lovely and genuine display of positive energy - people unexpectedly reaching out, ideas that come at full force about what to do next, the networking that seems exhausting, to be frank, because there are so many people to reach out to, so many possibilities, so much potential. Or so it seems.

And then comes the quiet.

It's no different than what you feel with any big change - the loss of a loved one, a big move to a new city, a divorce or separation - any kind of start over.

The emotional highs and lows come hand-in-hand with the honest realization that you are alone, that your destiny is in your hands and that you have to find the grit and the strength to be alone, and the courage to continue moving. To take that next step forward, to pull yourself out of that rut, to continue pushing for what you believe in, what you want, what you see yourself doing.

You have to believe, and try, and cry, and fail and start over and dig deeply.

And the times when you hear nothing but the crickets are the times when the biggest growth occurs.
It's when you face your demons and your darkness and you still manage to smile at your face in the mirror.

Today is a new day - let's see what unfolds!
~ lala

on the eve of my 39th birthday

2011-04-02T14:06:00.000-04:00

It's the eve of my 39th birthday and I'm feeling so good!
I have beautiful wonderful happy people who are my friends and chosen family
I have some very interesting job prospects that excite the shit out of me
I feel so free and unencumbered
I am strong and healthily, I am capable, I am carving if out my destiny
I am lucky and grateful to be healthy and whole
I am spiritual and gentle
I have the resources to help, the energy to want to help and the wherewithal to make it happen!
I know what it feels like to love and to be loved and to touch and be touched.
I have arms to hold people - to want them and to clasp them close to me
And I have the strength to let them go, without fear, and without needing them to return
I feel blessed and, at times, beautiful, especially as I watch a super moon in the sky or hear the sound of the ocean or feel the sun on my skin.
I bathe in the happiness of life and the joy that I feel when I connect with those around me

Happy, happy birthday to me. I am so lucky!
~ lala

before you...

2011-02-06T22:26:00.001-05:00

I love the kind of day that spreads itself open to you...
to possibility
The hours are ripe and swollen
And time crawls slowly
Giving you enough time to savor
The sweetness and richness
The sheer delicacy
Of nothingness and everything

Unfathomable depths - free for the taking
To use however you can imagine
However you can enjoy them
In whatever way you want

~ lml

the space between

2011-02-03T19:41:00.001-05:00

between the next to-do list

between the piles of books next to your bed

between the chores and the logistics -

the repetitive duties of the day

between the emails and the phone calls -

the required communication that drains you

between the dreams and the wish lists -

the desires that intoxicate you

between the tabs of bookmarked websites -

the endless information and content that buries you

between the what's next and the what's now...

is the space.

the space is quiet, restorative

the space is empty

it can cause anxiety and despair because of its depth and breadth

it can bring on insecurities and doubts

it is the discomfort of the unknown

but what it brings is peace

a chance to recharge and reflect

a place to grow

the space to stop your brain from panicking

and start thinking

the space to stop festering and floundering

and start growing

between today and tomorrow

I challenge you to find the space

between your expectations and your obligations

I challenge you to find freedom

- lml

New blog: musings4change

2011-01-09T13:14:00.001-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted much, but it's a new year and I have an exciting new adventure!

I am finally finished school, after an incredible 17 month journey, and I've decided to carve out some of my delicious free time with a purpose.

This new blog, musings4change, will be my collection of information, insights, opportunities and ideas about the world of social media, mobile technology and international development. I will start by sharing what I find and what I am learning and, perhaps, it will lead to more.

I hope you join me in this journey.

~ lala

Happy Friday isms

2010-12-10T16:35:00.002-05:00

It's Friday. Hooray, hooray!

I get to sleep in both Saturday and Sunday!
I just bought delicious new espresso from Bridgehead
I'm shopping for loved ones this weekend. : )
I have 1.5 whole days to complete the final draft of our Global Business Project
I just discovered "Heroes"
9 sleeps until I see my nieces, nephew and family!!
Our EMBA class is gathering for drinks tonight.

Life is sweet! Happy weekend.

one day

2010-11-28T20:19:00.001-05:00

love

freedom

perspective

fear

opportunities

energy

excitement

loneliness

peace

honesty

understanding your heart

knowing what you want

believing

trusting

confidence

courage

taking one foot forward

life.

~ lml November 28, 2010

the seed

2010-10-28T12:24:00.002-04:00

When I think of each day that I am not living to my fullest potential

I feel like I'm wasting away... getting old and drying up

I feel that the juice of my soul, ready to burst forth like a fountain

with all the raw and untouched energy of liquid and fire

is hardening and cracking

aging me beyond my years

I want the life I dream of.

What whispers to me in the small hours of the morning, before the light comes and the truth stands before me in the mirror.

Who are you to dream a grandiose dream for yourself?

Who are you to dare to push in this way?

Why don't you settle for something different?

Why don't you just accept your limitations?

I speak the words of presence and now,

Of being in the moment and letting my path unfold in its time.

But my voice falters and I hear the doubt creeping in.

the desire. the hunger. the knowledge of who I am.

Of who I want to be.

And I see a rare glimpse of confidence,

glowing like a precious stone that I cradle in my heart.

The seed that I nurture and encourage and water with my tears.

- LML October 27, 2010

Impressions of Australia and Shanghai

2010-10-22T09:18:00.004-04:00

While I was on the plane, I captured the impressions that I had of Australia (Sydney and Brisbane) and Shanghai.

Australia

- beautiful, clean, gorgeous beaches

- the warmth of the sunshine

- clear air / blue skies

- cheeky people (smartass comments, sassy humor, sarcasm)

- easy pace of life

- love of sport / fit physical people

- unexpected, archaic attitudes towards women

- beach culture that makes you want to find a little house and a reason to be there

- very expensive real estate

- pride in home ownership

- difficult to get into the country

- beautiful people in Brisbane

Shanghai

- huge, impressive architecture

- capitalism is everywhere

- warm, friendly smiles from curious people

- smoggy and hazy

- no real blue skies

- no matter where we went, we were photographed. Eating, laughing, shopping, whatever....

- there was a Disneyland effect as we toured the factories and Suzhou industrial park - of being shown only what the government wants you to see

- people, people everywhere & grey concrete - not many places of stillness

- huge "farms" of apartments that covered blocks and blocks of the city

- great nightlife

- shopping

Obviously, there is so much more that I can write, but I know how limited my free time is right now. School ends January 17th, and I look forward to being in a place where I can explore my thoughts and capture my feelings in this space. Until then.... enjoy.

beach musings

2010-09-28T00:59:00.003-04:00

The exquisiteness

of time.

Grains of sand

like eternity

that blow

along the ocean shore.

There is no urgency in me.

Nothing that compells me

Except for the sway of the ocean tide.

Except for the thrill of the sun on my face.

And the taste of the salt on my lips.

I succumb to the waves, crashing.

To the sound of the primal rhythm

And I relax into the warmth that teases me....

...wanting more.

- LML September 2010, Australia

Another guest post...

2010-09-01T17:10:00.003-04:00

This post by Danielle LaPorte of White Hot Truth, struck a chord with me today. It made me think of bamboo - of the flexibility and strength that comes with bending, not breaking. And it reminded me that real communication - authentic , honest, open and transparent communication - begins with making that human connection.

Sometimes, the most enlightened, classy, and loving thing you can do is shut up and put up.

You eat the meat they serve even tho' you're a vegetarian.
You take the tacky gift; you find the common ground in your opposing politics; you smile, darling. And here's the thing: you mean it when you do it.
You suspend being right, or more evolved, or protected, and you intend loving equanimity - because you can.

You accept and flex because it expands you - and that's only good.
You soften because it feels really amazing for everyone involved - guaranteed.
You say thank you because elegance makes the world a better place.

When you become the conduit for graciousness you get stronger, truer, freer and more fiercely alive.

Which is the whole reason we create boundaries in the first place.

Climbing mountains

2010-08-26T17:01:00.002-04:00

I am borrowing this from Zen Habits. It's way too powerful not to share.

A Guide to Reaching Life’s Summits:

Pack light. I wish I took this more seriously. Every unnecessary piece of gear complicates things and detracts from the experience. Aside from the bare necessities, things do not make life better. They often cause more stress and keep you from what’s most important. The lighter your pack the better. Life is too short to be burdened with excessive possessions, emotional baggage or regrets. Positive thoughts, relationships and experiences weigh nothing at all. Pile them on and leave the rest behind. They’ll lift you to the top.

Take one step at a time. Any major accomplishment can be broken down into a series of single steps. My pattern for the mountain was 15 steps up, 15 breaths of rest. I did that for 7 hours. If I would have only focused on the very top, frustration would have overcome me. If your summit is too intimidating, break it into smaller steps. Focus on those one by one. Eventually one step will be the one that puts you on top.

Don’t go at it alone. When climbing, a partner is a must. For safety, support, camaraderie, motivation and simply to share the journey. You’d be silly (and putting yourself in great danger) to go up alone. Life is meant to be experienced with others. It makes the valleys shallower and the peaks higher. Relationships magnify experiences and help you do things that prove impossible alone. Don’t leave home without your support team.

Listen to the experts. Halfway up, a passing guide told us if we couldn’t get to the top by 12:30 at the latest, then to turn back. Chances of late day thunderstorms were too great. As amateurs we would have had no idea. While we all ought to experience our own paths, it’s foolish not to learn from and observe the guidance of experts. Choose your life models wisely and keep them close by on your journey.

Slow down. As Yvon Chouinard of Patagonia says, “It’s about how you got there. Not what you’ve accomplished.” Despite what colleagues and competitors may tell you, there is no rush. Rushing on the mountain risks slipping, not acclimating to thinning air, exhaustion and possibly death. In life the biggest risk is that you miss the wonders of everyday experiences in your pursuit to the top. The top is secondary to the process.

Look back and take in the view. There’s never any guarantee that you’ll get to the top, but you always have the ability to stop, take in a deep breath, smile and enjoy the view-whether it’s miles of wilderness or two feet of fog. It’s all wonderful. Every moment of life is a new view to appreciate.

Save some energy for the trip down. We thought the summit was “just over that peak” half a dozen times before it actually was. Conserve energy. Things will inevitably take longer than expected. Don’t be discouraged. Budget your capital, energy and drive appropriately. Rarely is anything in life an all out sprint. Treat it like a marathon. You may need your reserves when you least expect it.

Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory. These are Ed Viesturs’ famous words; the first U.S. man to summit all 14 peaks above 8,000 meters with no bottled oxygen. The summit will be there tomorrow and likely so will yours. If more planning, a stronger team or more support is required, then save the summit for a time when the payout is safer and more probable. If you are outmatched, know when to turn back, only to return stronger and more savvy tomorrow. Stay objective and don’t let short-term excitement get in the way of long-term fulfillment.

Failure is a part of the process. If we would have started our climb the week before, conditions would have been too grave to make it. Be ok with not reaching the summit every time. Falling short is inevitable. You will never learn more than from your failures…at anything. Embrace them.

A daunting summit is nothing more than a challenge. A challenge is simply an opportunity in disguise. You won’t summit every one you come across, but you will become a better person with each attempt.

There will always be another mountain. You are not meant to conquer them all. Past summits are simply preparing you for the next. With the right strategy, you’ll put the top within reach. When your summit arrives, you will be ready.

crushed

2010-07-15T08:13:00.003-04:00

I hate the feeling of wanting something in the deepest recesses of your soul. Of knowing that it's right for you because you feel your heart soar at the prospect of doing it. Of jumping in and taking off. You feel the possibility and it feels good. You can see yourself working hard and working towards making the world better. You can feel the weight of the tasks on your shoulder and know that they will balance out with the lightness in your spirit. It hurts when it doesn't come to fruition. It's a visceral pain. And it's worse when the gremlins come out to taunt you, sending their messages that constrict your positivism and optimism - winding themselves inside your head like a bandage and smothering your voice - reminding you of all that you haven't accomplished or done; of all that you aren't worth and not capable of doing. The work is just beginning for me, I guess. To find the path to go from here to there - to break through the cloud of frustration and fear - and push harder. Building the networks, being constructive, finding the right fit, taking baby steps. I know I can do it, and I will, but damn, it hurts.

My challenge

2010-06-28T13:53:00.003-04:00

I challenge you to be really here

When you stand in front of me

To make the choice to look me in the eye

To bare your soul to me

and gift me with you presence.

I challenge you to let go of your distractions

The things that take your attention away

I want you to want to be completely there

To be raw and unfiltered.

I challenge you to tell me your unspoken dreams

The magic that breathes to you at night

To take in the moment that we share

However small it might be

And hold it gently against your soul.

I challenge you to make it count

So that when we take the next step of our journey

I will know you and will carry you with me.

~ LML June 2010

sunshine

2010-06-15T14:46:00.003-04:00

J's favorite saying is that he is solar-powered. I love this statement! I am so solar-powered! I remember this every year when summer comes to Ottawa. The last few days of delicious heat that penetrates deep into my bones makes me so happy. My windows are open. My skimpy tops are on. My toes are free. I love the warmth on my skin. I love the feeling of being hot. My body limbers up, my mind relaxes, my soul, like a sunflower, turns me towards the light. It feels so good! Liking drinking in something soothing and contented.

I think some of this attraction may have started in my tween years when my Mom painted my room bright yellow. We lived in California and the sunshine was strong. My room faced the morning light and when the sun rose, at some crazy hour in the morning, the rays seemed to radiate and reflect off of the walls. "I am awake already!" I remember grumbling to the world. But secretly, I think I loved it. I loved waking up happy and bright. Seeing the cheerfulness that comes with light. It had a bounce to it, and I know I absorbed it.

Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light!

tether

2010-06-08T13:25:00.003-04:00

I love this word tether. I don't quite know why.
I picture the lifeline. The fragility of the connection.

How easily it can be picked up by the elements and carried off somewhere.

How, with a quick tear of teeth, it's broken.

How it can be plucked from a root and discarded.

But I also see the strength that such a small hold can have.

Imagine a string wrapped around your finger

and how it has the capacity to cut off your blood supply

Or the little stitch you pull that unravels the whole sweater.

And take this tether and braid it together -

like the coming together of friends and loved ones -

intertwining their lives together in laughter, love and shared adventures.

And, suddenly, you have a rope that strong and useful and capable of many things.

the little gifts

2010-05-27T09:33:00.003-04:00

And there I was last night - in that well-worn, deeply rutted, struggle - pulling myself kicking and screaming into the moment, into reality, and finding myself drifting back to that dark wave of longing that crests every now and again - that yearning for acknowledgement, friendship, of wanting to contribute, of wanting to be something important in someone's life. My ego's desire to feel special.

My phone rang. It was Little Lisa - calling out of the blue after 7 months of absence. Months of me reaching out to her to see how she's doing. Months of little notes and posts and phone calls to let her know that I care and that I think of her often. Months of seeing and hearing snippets of her angst and stress.

We talked for an hour. We got caught up in the complexities of her relationships and life challenges, the fun adventures that await her, and the fears of not being able to enjoy them. After a many laughs and a few tears and much love, we said goodnight.

And after I tucked myself into bed, the fan circulating the warm air across the room, I knew that the universe had conspired to send me that soul balm. It was exactly what I had needed in a form that I would have never expected. What a magical gift.

Thank you!

take the reins

2010-05-16T21:56:00.006-04:00

I can feel the bit between my teeth
hard, cool steel rides my gums, pulling and yanking me,
until I chomp down on it.
It grinds me - and I feel harnessed and haltered
like something reigns me in
preventing me from running wild and free.

I wake each morning, nodding my head to the multiple parts of me
the one who luxuriates in the sunshine,
waiting for the world to take care of her.
And the one who leaps out of bed and smiles at the sounds
of the world creaking, groaning, and heralding the new day.

I think my dual personality is especially strong

when my authentic assessments of life are fatigued.
Unable to purposefully guide my passions in the direction of my choosing,

I leave myself open to whimsy and delight.

And then I flounder

and I'm not quite sure where this life will take me.

I'm both excited and daunted by what will transpire next.

In the meantime, you can feel the froth of exertion
forming on my lips. As I carry my bit, toss my head
and wonder where this will lead me.

- lml

data mining

2010-04-20T16:53:00.002-04:00

Hordes of criteria churning in my mind

stimulating wild dreams of blue electricity,

demons and yellow toothbrushes dissolving in my mouth.

the act of sifting through this information, this data

questioning, evaluating, discerning

leaves me with a sore head.

a heavy weight.

so many questions

elusive and grandiose

bring a rush of excitement

at the possibilities

and leave me raw and vulnerable

to the gremlins.

wondering how I get there from here?

and whether I even want to.

what would I do? how would I do it?

where to begin.

pushing to grow, doubting it's happening.

reflecting on what it takes

the angst, the debating, the seeking and searching

a virtual marathon being run

over and over.

assessing; deciding; scrutinizing

hoping.

--LML April 2010

Spring springing

2010-04-14T07:06:00.004-04:00

I spent an hour on Sunday bouncing, giggling, trying new moves, twisting, jumping, laughing and feeling like a happy, exuberant young'un. If you've never tried it before, you absolutely need to experience it. Check it out: Spring Action

(Oh yeah, and it's a killer workout!)

lucky me

2010-03-24T20:08:00.004-04:00

I just had a birthday and, once again, the universe conspired to remind me just how lucky I am. (And no, I didn't turn 23...: P)

But I did get lucky! I got reams of happy wishes and good thoughts. I played Rockband (Lady Gaga, Evanescence, Queen and Journey) and got totally spoiled by the boys from school (The Green Door, pool at McLaren's and a Lululemon gift certificate - holy smokes!!) Jack and Gaby surprised me with a iPhone.. OMG! I got cards from folks living away from me. I got emails and phone calls. My head is spinning. I really am incredibly blessed. Not because of things or outings but because of the beautiful people in my life. People who make me smile. People who take their time out to wave and say hello. People who love to laugh and make the most of their lives and the things that fill their lives. People who don't mind sharing themselves with me. I really was floored by the love that flowed my way. I hope I get a chance to send more out into the world!

Happy birthday to you! : )

No

2010-03-09T09:25:00.007-05:00

Today is a low day, and because of the emotion I'm feeling, I'm turning to my favorite creative outlet - writing. I feel fortunate that I have the space and time to capture my state of being this morning and to use this opportunity to reflect on the strength of what I'm feeling.

I've spent the last few years of my life in this fantastic place - cultivating YES! I made a personal decision to accept the beautiful opportunities that life presented me each day. I chose to jump in and live fully - saying yes to all the possibilities around me. Opening myself up to each moment. Laughing, loving, playing...

So it's been very draining, especially in the last few weeks as Spring has exerted its own influence to burst forth and dance, to say no. No to friends. No to family members. No to myself. No to playing outdoors and soaking in the sunshine. No to weekend getaways. No to late nights partying. No to frivolous time. No to hours engrossed in a book. No to movies and indulgences. No to hours of shagging. No to letting go and being in the moment.

I recognize that this situation is both short-term and of my own choosing. And I know, intellectually, that doing this MBA will open up doors for me in so many fantastic ways. I also know that I am having fun and I am learning an immense amount - new skills, new tools for my toolbox, new challenges that are molding me and shaping me.

But saying no is so tiresome. It drains me. It makes me feel like I'm missing out. It makes me feel closed. I find I get irritable because I don't just say yes (and oh, how I want to!). I find I feel wounded and defensive instead of open and generous. I find it feels like time passes so quickly away from me, instead of it feeling like I have all the time in the world.

I've decided that today is a yes day. I challenge myself to say yes to whatever comes about. Yes to making the most of the moment. Yes to taking time to talk to a friend. Yes to breathing, smiling, feeling. I cannot change the fact that I'm on this path for the next 10 months, but I can change how I want to experience this journey. I can change today.

Happiness steps

2010-03-05T16:24:00.003-05:00

Raymond Chambers made a statement at the Harvard Business School's 2010 Social Enterprise Conference about his five (5) practices for happiness. They seem extraordinarily simple, and upon reflection, carry the weight of insight, pause, empathy, gentleness and kindness. Characteristics that teach us about connections, humanity and love. Qualities that open our hearts and our eyes to the world around us - and specifically - to the beings in the world around us.

These are statements that you can craft your life around; ideas that can impact your relationships - with yourself, your loved ones, your neighbors and colleagues. And more significantly, they are practices that you can start immediately. On your drive home, in the way you talk to people, and how you look at yourself in the mirror. Beautiful, effective and powerful.

Stay in the moment; there is no other time but the present.

Step back and become a spectator to your own thoughts; don't get caught up in the drama, learn from it.

Worry about being loving, not about being right.

Go out of your way to help anyone in need.

And finally, each morning, write down the things in your life you're most grateful for.

thank you

2010-02-24T10:01:00.003-05:00

This is a simple thank you. To the people who fill my days with laughter and love. Who can listen to me ramble on (and on and on), with increased hand activity, tripping over myself to get everything out... and just smile. The people who enjoy cuddling me as much as I enjoy cuddling them. The people who get that I am tactile and mushy and fervently driven to be strong and independent. The people who know that I love to be silly and yearn to be smart. That I want to bring lightness and laughter into the world and sometimes get stuck along the way. The people who are my chosen family. My friends. My soul sisters and brothers.

Thank you. xo

6 months!

2010-02-22T13:19:00.003-05:00

Well hello there! Yes, it's me. Can you believe it? I've missed you. : )
In case you were wondering where the heck I've been hiding.... I decided to give you all a little update.

It's been almost 6 months since I became a full time student. My world has changed!

This seems like such a rote statement, but it can't be further from the truth.
Here's why:

I spend hours studying. I spend so much time indoors, I'm not entirely sure what season this is. I skip months and days, and they all seem to bleed into each other. Oh, sleep, it will appear sometime in 2011. I can't wait!
I have no real social life - except for what transpires in my little office. My friends are kind and patient...I hope!
My mind is processing new information by the reams. It's hard to fall asleep at night with so much content in my head so I crawl into bed at night with pleasure book. Sadly, it doesn't take more than a few pages before I'm zonked out.
I'm working incredibly closely with a core group of guys, my team - The Intangibles - made up of Eric, Jason, John, Kash, Manoj and Ron. These guys are super! I really, really enjoy them. We are pushing and challenging each other - and celebrating the successes and growing pains that comes with working so closely together. I feel really lucky that we've bonded so well and are having such a good time together.
I've taken these courses

MBUS 802 - Creating High Performance Teams

MBUS 800 - Role of the General Manager

MBUS 810 - Foundations of Accounting and Analysis

MBUS 957 - Transformational Leadership

MBUS 811 - Financial Accounting and Analysis

MBUS 971 - Global Business Environment

MBUS 881 - Managerial Economics

MBUS 831 - Marketing Management

MBUS 984 - Design and Creativity

MBUS 988 - Structuring the New Venture

MBUS 981 - Management of New Ventures

and am in the middle of these:

MBUS 862 - Analysis Based Decision Making (stats)

MBUS 985 - Execution & Implementation

MBUS 851 - Human Resources Management

MBUS 808 - Individual Project

MBUS 812 - Management Accounting and Control

MBUS 952 - Negotiations and Conflict Management

I'm undergoing executive and career coaching and it's forcing me to stretch myself a little more every day...
... and the best adventures are yet to come!

This is it

2010-02-13T21:03:00.004-05:00

I'm watching Michael Jackson - perfecting his art, focusing on the things that are so important to him, watching him dig deep to express the energy and the thrill inside him. I am listening to him care about what drives him, what keeps him awake at night. I am feeling the passion, integrity and sheer joy of listening to your dream and following what makes you feel alive!

I know that MJ had his share of demons and that he struggled daily to fit into the world around him. He was awkward and ungainly moving about the world, except when he danced and when he sang. Then he rocked! He was brilliant. He shined.

It strikes me how few people I know who live this way - who give so much of themselves in their daily lives. How many people aren't ready to turn the pages in the chapters of their lives. How many people feel that life should be structured and organized in advance, that life should have been played out and figured out first - before taking the steps? Too many of us wait - wait for the known, wait for some sign, wait for the "once I get the job; once I make enough money; once I find someone to love..."

I know I have that tendency. I yearn to be somewhere, doing something that I'm not, and yet, I haven't taken the steps - I haven't jumped in with both feet. I haven't quite dug as deeply as I need to and let go of the "what ifs and the should bes"... but I am working on it!

I challenge you (and me) to make your life extraordinary. I celebrate you unfurling your sail and seeing where the wind will take you. This is your life, after all! This is it! You can do it.

jumper cables for my battery

2010-02-10T11:30:00.000-05:00

I heard birds singing this morning, as I left the house for work. The air felt mild, the sun was bursting. And my soul did a little happy dance at the thought that the days are getting longer and warmer. I know I am an optimist, and it felt so good!

sensory overload

2010-01-17T18:58:00.005-05:00

I saw this video of Mike's yesterday. I stumbled across it as I took in some old Kona footage.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfcBg8BIK-U&feature=channel

I experienced such a rush of sensory overload - it was bizarre and overwhelming. All of a sudden I was transported back to my riding years - the view of Mike's back in front of me - the familiar lean into the curves as he navigated the roads and bike paths on the way to Gatineau park. I felt the tinge of anxiety of the long road ahead of me. The familiar pang of stress and fear that I couldn't keep up or didn't want to keep up. I could smell the damp and musky scent of well-used cycling clothing. I could hear the grinding of my gears and feel the tension in my calves and hamstrings from the circular pedal motion. I felt the sticky salt on my face, the sound the wind made in my helmet. I could feel of the exertion in my throat and lungs; the metallic tang of pushing myself hard. I felt right there, as if all these years hadn't gone by.

I remember reading about our brains and how we store our memories in the moment - searing them into our brain matter like hot iron brands - and that the best way to retrieve information and memories is to recreate the situation that you want to remember. Recreate the location, the sounds, the visuals, the scents and how that experience guide you deeper into your memories.

It must have been the convergence of seeing Kona, watching her over the years, thinking about my past and suddenly being thrust on the back of a bike that triggered these feelings. I was on that road - winding my way deeper into my memories. It reminded me about how powerful and amazing our memories are - especially when they sneak up on you like this.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T19:30:00.010-05:00

It's a brand new year, a new decade, even. We've had a snowfall in the city and everything looks like a fresh canvas, waiting for the splashes of color and life and adventures that the year holds for us.

I love this fresh new start. I love how the day, the year, the world feels like it holds so much potential. It feels ready to burst! I decided to spoil myself with an astrological report today to see what my year may potentially hold for me. Here's what I have to look forward to:

This year is a turning point. As cliched as it sounds, you're getting ready to take your powah! From this year onward, you will slowly climb to a career peak or a time of major culmination about eight years in the future. This is the beginning of your chance to walk your talk! The unusual sojourn of your ruler Mars in your Fifth House (the longest it's been there since 1962-63) totally energizes your creative output. Ever the artisan, ready to try anything new with your hands, many of you will create and produce more than you ever have before!

This Mars effect is the boost you need to kick off your debut into the public world. Depending on whether you're an early or late Aries, Pluto will trigger a huge change in your life direction in the next 12 years. This is unavoidable. It will allow some of you to take a hobby and turn it into a career. It will also make you ask yourself if you really believe in what you're doing.

I'm not going to sugarcoat things. You're entering a challenging time for partnerships and close friendships. The last time this occurred was around 1981-83. This year and next, relationships that aren't cutting it will fizzle out. Partly, this is because you're becoming stronger and more ambitious, which means you're upsetting the status quo of the way these relationships have been. You're changing and this changes everything else! Nevertheless, relationships that are meant to endure will last. No question. However, they will undergo major readjustments this year and next.

For most, the relationship with their inner self (call it spirituality or whatever) changes throughout their lifetime. But this year is different. You'll experience a real learning curve in terms of getting in touch with your deeper values, and also getting in touch with the importance of kindness and compassion in your life. This could occur because you meet a teacher or a guide. (Or possibly, you'll play this role for others.) You might study metaphysics, or New Age philosophy, or a traditional religion. You'll seek this out because you feel something needs to be healed. Actually, this is the best opportunity you've had to explore this very meaningful part of your life since 1998. C.S. Lewis said, "Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal. As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time."

Hope your 2010 brings you laughter and lots of love!
Best wishes,
lala

breathe

2009-12-19T21:23:00.003-05:00

I finished off a hectic and demanding week, full of challenges and many beautiful surprises. Full of fatigue and the crazy hyperactive holiday season. Full of way too much rich food that was fantastic and too much brain power expenditure that hurt. I submitted my economics exam just now and I am sitting here, on the couch, soaking up the silence and the happy tired feeling of too little sleep and too much Coke Zero and finding that bliss in between my erratic heartbeat. Breathe.

holiday yearnings

2009-12-03T16:15:00.003-05:00

A woman at work told me how excited she was to be going home for the holidays - that she was so thrilled to be able to pull her family together for a couple of days and immerse herself in the happy hubbub. Her words and her pure enthusiasm made my throat seize and my stomach clench. I was surprised by the visceral reaction that I had. Surprised at how much the vision of being surrounded by good friends and family made me want it in my own life right now.

I think I'm experiencing a strong case of the "can't haves" which will likely hit me in various ways over the next year and a bit. It gave me a huge reason to pause and to remember that I'm thinking of you (yes, you!) and all those beautiful souls who make up my life. Happy holiday season! Soak up the happy, joyful spirit this season - fill your boots with it! Thank you for your love!

life gifts

2009-12-02T23:19:00.002-05:00

I am having one of those days where I have the space to soak up so many little indulgences in my life: good coffee, working from home, delicious pasta dinner, easy and warm connections with friends, laughter, long phone conversations, cuddles with purring cats, a walk in the fresk air, the gift of a bouquet of bright flowers, a cozy blanket, nailing a few stats problems, smiles that come my from emails, upbeat music, and the feeling of heading off to bed with a full and peaceful soul.

Be well. G'night!

lifeblood

2009-11-17T09:52:00.003-05:00

I had a very vivid dream last night. I was a vampire and, with my fangs, I remember piercing the skin of my victim's neck. I could smell their musk (I don't know if it was a man or woman) and feel the throb of their pulse against my teeth and my lips. I remember how it felt, that slight resistance before I slid my teeth into them. I remember tasting their blood, thinking that it was unlike anything I had heard or read. There was no saltiness or metallic tang, only a heavy thickness and heat. I felt it coat my tongue and my throat and slide into my body. And then, there was a rush of energy and magic - as their lifeblood filled me. I felt lightheaded and intoxicated with this blast of adrenalin.

eye on the prize

2009-11-09T21:18:00.003-05:00

I've been head down in school and work these past few months. It's easy to forget about the world around me - I feel caught up in homework assignments and due dates, late nights and take out.

A couple of things made me lift my head up and take stock of the world around me. Yes, there is a world - a great, big beautiful ball just ripe with life, love, sadness, sickness, humor, and connection.

The weather has slipped into its brisk, Fall rhythm edging closer to the cool white Winter that we all know is just around the corner. The passage of time echoes like a clock inside of me.
H1N1 invaded my house. Everyone is fine, thank goodness, but it did wonders for giving me perspective. Oh, yes, my health ... there you are. I take you for granted, don't I? How lucky am I!?
I read an incredible speech by Paul Hawken. It floored me, really. Not simply because it was a breathtaking piece of writing but because it made me smile. It made me believe. It moved me. It reminded me about some of the dreams I have and how I am taking steps to get there. And it made me ache with the desire to realize them. "I'm working on it! Just give me some time..."
I saw some pictures of my favorite little people all dressed up for Halloween. A dragon, a chicken, a ladybug, Hermione, a fairy... I had a delicious chuckle at those munchkins and I realized how much I miss getting that love. I'm going to need a fix soon and I'll just have to find a way to get it.

All together they were small, simple moments but they made me pause.
Thanks for reading.
Lala

Grading my learning

2009-10-15T16:37:00.003-04:00

The grades have just started coming in. OK, one grade arrived today. One single grade for a 4 page assignment that was due the second week of class. Irrespective of the medium that the mark arrived in (an email instead of being handed out in class), I'm immediately right back there. In class. I've got the knot in my stomach and I'm fighting back tears. I'm thinking why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I have done better? I feel that deep yearning to want to succeed and, almost as quickly, the resigned "I'm not surprised, what did you expect?" shrugging of my shoulders. I am determined to change this habit - this old pattern of response and reflex. I WANT to learn. I want to improve. I want to be excited. I want to try harder. And yes, I want to do better. But I also, desperately, want to be OK with who I am.

That's going to be the hardest lesson for me to learn.

Good Friday to you!

2009-10-09T14:07:00.003-04:00

I am happy today and I thought I'd share some of my soul smiles:

- Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize!

- It's a long weekend and I have an extra day off!

- I am reading a fantastic article about managing your energy and it's reminding me about the simple things in life.

- I am off to visit a good friend this weekend. I am going to soak up the outdoors, see some horses, and spend hours (hopefully) drinking red wine and catching up. Food for my soul, indeed!

- I'm feeling on top of the homework for the next couple of weeks. (Steady as she goes….)

- It's Thanksgiving - the perfect time of the year to reflect on how grateful I am and how wonderful my life is.

Be well everyone!
Lisa xo

balancing act

2009-09-29T16:44:00.003-04:00

I'm imbalanced! I know this about myself. I love living in the moment and embracing it fully. And if that means squeezing all the goodness out of a day and leaving nothing of myself left over for other things, then that's how I roll. And if that means that I let hours go by with a good friend over a bottle of wine, and walk away tipsy from the conversation and the love, then that's something I do with relish. I like that part of me.

But it does present some interesting challenges, being imbalanced. It's even more clear to me these days, because I'm so focused on prying my eyes open in the morning with promises of heavily caffeinated beverages, working a full day (and a little extra to make up for school), heading home, figuring out dinner, settling myself at my desk for a good round of homework (with some daydreaming of travel, social gatherings and getting fit on the side), and collapsing in bed for a few pages of mind-numbing reading before slumbering for about 6 hours and starting it all over again in the morning. Don't get me wrong - I manage to find time to do some of the things that give me pleasure, I'm feeling energized and not at all physically exhausted. But I do realize, usually when my eyes start to droop and the book whacks my face a couple of times, that I've forgotten to shave or buy breakfast foods for the morning. That it was my niece's birthday (sorry Aly) and I forgot to call (I did send a card, but it's not the same thing). That I really need to change the bed linen, get a haircut, mail those letters, pay that bill, do some exercise, remember to call Mom and so on…

I guess this is how new parents and people who lead very busy lives feel! There is never enough time to do it all. The hard part for me is to remember to let go of the angst that I'm missing out, or that I'm not being a good friend (or Auntie or sister or daughter…). So, I do what I can in that moment. I make a choice, usually when I snuggle deep under the covers, to send out love and happy thoughts to the people in my life. I send smiles and virtual hugs out into the universe so that somewhere, hopefully, someone will feel it. I pause, to think of a face and a person whom I cherish - and to soak up the gratitude I feel about having them in my life. It makes me feel that even in those few minutes, I can foster something positive. And then I drift off to sleep with the gentle reminder to just go with the flow...

That's something I am good at.

hard to write

2009-09-19T15:15:00.006-04:00

I'm finding it hard to write these days; not because I'm lacking time, which I am, nor because I'm lacking material, which I'm not, but because I'm in a bizarre place. My world is changing and I can feel it! My perspectives are shifting. My mind is stretching. Everything seems upside down.

I'm loving being in school! (I can't believe I am saying that!) I am thriving on the stimulation and the challenge. I'm soaking up new information and new interactions like a cup of coffee at 5am - greedy and guzzling. I am facing my fears head on and enjoying the thrill of experiencing a new way of dealing with things that I wouldn't have coped with in the past. I am dizzy and excited, feeling like an archaelogist discovering new worlds!

I am also, it seems, healing my old wounds. I can't seem to stop dreaming about my university days and I wake up feeling disoriented. I'm thrown off by the intense intellectual conversations with former friends and acquaintances in my dream world that seem like I just had them in my waking state. I get angry because past professors tell me that I am not capable of doing what I am. I catch myself calling people by the names of people from my past. I've even been driving to Cognos, my old stomping grounds, when I leave for work.

I find myself in situations with my new team that a month ago, a year ago, would have tied my stomach in knots and left me with a defeated sense of fatigue, that I now find invigorating and interesting. I am feeling challenged and open. I feel like I am in a trusted place to push these boundaries and try new things. I take charge. I listen. I ask questions. I read the newspaper and get it (for the most part).

I love my new team - the boys as I affectionately call them - we get along really well and I enjoy spending time with them. Which is a good thing, because we do spend a lot of time together. And yet, I'm sensitive to the fact that there are other people I miss hearing from and interacting with... a soreness that I know won't be taken care of for awhile yet. I'm cognizant that there may be a few close friends whom I won't know at the end of this journey, and a few new ones that will be added to my fold.

I recognize that it's early days yet, and I know I have a long 15 months ahead of me, but I am so thrilled by this buzz and this adrenalin surge in me. I find it fascinating that my soul wants to heal the past and lose my old conditioning as I blaze trails that I've never traveled on before. And for now, while I'm caught in this crazy place, all I can do is throw my head back and laugh! "Bring it on!"

it's that time

2009-08-26T16:35:00.004-04:00

It's my last night of fun - of wasted time - of doing whatever my heart desires! No strings attached, no pangs of guilt, no obligations, no "I should be" thoughts, no late night cram sessions, no frantic assignment uploads, no crammed-brain syndrome, no bags under my eyes, no stupefying blinks, no wild heart palpitations, no brewing coffee at 2am, no anxiety dreams, no stomach knots, no greasy take-out because the fridge is empty, no wistful yearnings of beaches and getaways, no coffee spills on binders, no laptop battery deaths at the local coffee shop, no shallow breathing, no shaking hands, no exam writing, no sleepless nights, and no wondering what my friends are up to because I haven't talked to them in years...

...Tonight, I'm taking a break!

I'm being frivolous. I'm being neglectful. I'm being careless. I'm wasting time! And I intend to enjoy it! : )

channel changing

2009-08-18T12:47:00.002-04:00

I find my biggest source of stress and anxiety comes when I try and visualize my future. When I try and see the path that I think I need to take to get from A to B.

Whether I'm trying to figure out how to carve out my career; where I see myself living; what I envision for myself in retirement; whether I'll pass my EMBA; how I see my place within my circle of family and friends; if I'm going to buy a house; whether I plan on having any children or not... I end up feeling quite anxious and uneasy.

It doesn't matter if the questions come from my own heart or from inquiring minds around me (financial planners, family members, people I just meet...), as soon as they are released, I feel the weight of panic and noise settle in. The view is fuzzy - I have no clear picture in my head. I feel a strong sense of "I should know this answer!" and "What's going to happen to me?" These feelings pummel me and, like I would adjust a distorted tv channel, I feel compelled to try and fine tune myself. I feel compelled to have an answer and to KNOW the truth.

It takes me a while to remember that the scratchy radio station in my mind is a good thing! I believe the universe is trying to remind me that there IS NO road to the future. The road exists today. The path I need to follow is one that is created by my actions and my presence right now. If I'm not here, then I'm not carving out what I need to, to get to wherever I need to go. Reminding myself of that. Taking that deep breath and exhaling. Being in the moment. That is where the answers exist.

My kind of weather

2009-08-16T13:05:00.003-04:00

It's been hot and sticky here in Ottawa. The temperatures are soaring and the humidity grabs you in a bear hug and holds you down - making it difficult to breathe.

We don't have air conditioning in our house, so we keep ourselves cool with ice water and cold compresses. Cold showers. Lots of fans. We wear shorts and tank tops. We walk slowly and drink lots. I pull my hair off my head with elastic bands - exposing my neck to release some of the heat in my body. There is a sheen to my skin. Constantly. I feel tacky. I feel like I need to be in water.

And, I absolutely love this weather. To me, this is summer. This is what I wait for all year! This is my kind of weather. And I am soaking it up like a sponge and relishing every sticky, sweaty drop of it! YAY!

Happy hat day!

2009-08-14T12:02:00.005-04:00

I'm sitting here, giggling, wearing a giant Gerber flower hat on my head. At work. : )

It's "happy hat day" here - and a couple colleagues and I are trying to inject some lightness and humor in our workday. People have been swamped and overwhelmed with some unclear direction as we navigate a new organization. As a result, we all are being asked to wear many hats. And thus, the idea. ; )

In honor of everyone wearing many hats in their personal and professional lives, I urge you to celebrate like this...just for a giggle or two.

~ lala

Groovy

2009-08-08T17:02:00.000-04:00

I just had a brilliant conversation with a man who lived a lot of his youth in the 1970s. He talked about how, at that time, the energy that was flowing was unbelievable. It was palpable. New music emerged on a weekly basis. People connected quickly and effortlessly. There were life-changing events that occurred so frequently, it was hard to keep track of the landscape. He said that it was a time where your formed intense and authentic connections with people during the midst of these powerful events. Sometimes lasting for years.

He said he feels like today, and how we are living right now, has the same vibe as that era. It has the same energy. The same easy and mind-blowing connections are being made through avenues like Facebook and Google searches. He feels the same kind of rhythm in the speed with which we do things, the access to information and data, the desire for finding meaning in everything we do. The fact that new music is being created in interesting ways. The fact that the landscape of the world is changing in ways we don't always fathom.

I loved hearing about this energy. This passion. This excitement. This world just resonating with electricity. It's groovy!

color

2009-08-06T12:10:00.000-04:00

In one of my Juicy Journaling sessions, SARK asked what role color plays in my life. When I read that question, I realized that color is a huge part of my life. I reflected on the fact that I am attracted to bright, bold splashes of it. That I dream in technicolor. That when I have a migraine aura, it comes in flashes and jagged edges of bright blues, reds, purples and oranges. That when I am feeling especially connected, I can even sometimes see a person's aura - represented to me in different colored hues.

I realized that I love color and I love finding color, especially in the places I travel to! My adventures are intertwined with color and the colors etch themselves in my mind, when I think back on a city or a country.

I remember when I was in Ireland in 2006 - I discovered the multitude of shades of green that were a part of the countryside. At times, they seemed to be fluorescent - the hues popped out so vibrantly. Balanced against the rough, grey stone of the West coast and the thatched-roof houses that could be mistaken for being dour, the green added a playfulness to the landscape. Like a mischievous leprechaun winking at you as he danced across a field.

This year, I was in the Middle East, and I remember the rich, dusky burnt-red textures of the Omani desert - spilling out like a matte paint - that coated the surface of everything. The hot, smooth sand that I could feel in my hair, lined my face, stuck to my eyelashes, and caressed my toes. The grit that I could feel in my teeth. Where the hide of camels and other desert animal life blended in so magnificently, you felt you were adrift in an orange-red ocean, with waves and ripples obscuring the shore.

I remember the crystal clear turquoise water of the ocean of Turks and Caicos, and how the white sand sparkled like fresh snow in the glare of the hot sunlight. The brilliant flashes of color coming from the plentiful sea life that lived just below the surface of that warm, inviting tapestry. The saltiness enveloping and washing over you.

I remember the splashes of pinks, purples and yellows of the Painted Ladies - as they called the Victorian houses that lined the streets of San Francisco. Tall and narrow, the pointed roofs reaching up towards the blue sky. We used to drive by them as we passed Golden Gate park on our way into the city.

And I remember the way the steel bowls of the Thai night markets caught the neon lights and street lamps. Bouncing like rubber balls off of shiny surfaces and people's faces, reflecting the mouth-watering curries, vegetables, and banana/chocolate crepes inside.

Clearly color comes to me like poetry - helping me shape my experiences with textures and a language unto its own - vivid; brilliant; rich...

the question of the week

2009-08-05T14:53:00.002-04:00

I was asked a question this weekend that made me pause. It got my mind buzzing, my soul stretching and made me uncomfortable, embarassed, frazzled and excited.

"What are you excellent at!?"

How would you answer this question?

chaos

2009-07-31T14:00:00.002-04:00

Chaos is 22 members of my family converging in a cottage, on an island, for a week. Fun, crazy, stimulating, wonderful, exasperating.... I have no idea what to expect!

How to be unremarkably average

2009-07-29T15:12:00.002-04:00

I borrowed this from a remarkable, unconventional thinker. It made me stop in my tracks because so much of this reads like how I've chosen to live parts of my life. The good news is that I am neither going to accept this at face value NOR do I agree that this is how I want to live my entire life!

It still made me think. How do you feel reading it?

Simple Tips for a Risk-Free Life:
Accept what people tell you at face value. Surround yourself with people who think like you. Don’t stand out. Stay close to home. Get a normal job. Do things the way everyone else does, because there has to be a method to the madness.

College
Go to college because someone said you should get a degree, not because you want to learn anything. Take four years to finish, or maybe even five. No one’s counting. Take out student loans to “invest in yourself.” Follow the plan in your course catalog even if you hate some of the classes. Believe your advisor when she says you have to do things a certain way. Jump through hoops. Check off boxes.

Personal Finance
Use your credit card as your primary means of spending. Get the largest mortgage you can qualify for. Fill it with plasma TVs and expensive furniture. Buy a big, new car and complain about the cost of gas. Spend all you earn, or maybe even more than you earn. The government will help you if there’s a recession. Spend money on things you don’t want but will help you impress others.
Give token amounts of money to charity. Change the channel when a charity appeal comes on. Believe the 3,000 marketing messages that the average person in the U.S. and Canada receives every day. You need things you’ve never heard of before because they will help you feel better about yourself. You deserve to buy luxury products because you’ve earned the right through your hard work.

Travel
Go overseas once or twice in your life, to somewhere safe like England. Tell everyone what a great cross-cultural experience it was to visit London. (“They talk so differently over there!”) Wherever you go, make absolutely sure that you will be safe and comfortable. McDonald’s is now in 119 countries, so you can always find something good to eat.
If you want to be brave, go to somewhere like Mexico. Never travel unaccompanied to any place “really foreign.” Don’t try to speak any language other than English. If people don’t understand you, speak louder. Africa is for safaris and Asia is for cities with big shopping malls. Don’t drink the water!

Work
Work at a job you don’t like for the majority of your professional life. Sit at a desk 40 hours a week for an average of 10 hours of productive work. One day, the corner cubicle will be all yours. Until then, get really good at Minesweeper. Read every article on CNN.com every day. Attend useless meetings. Take the credit when things go right. Put the blame on someone else when things go wrong. Never take responsibility for anything. When you fail at something, resolve to never try again.
Form alliances of convenience to survive office conflict. When you are forced to mediate a disagreement, make your judgment on the basis of personality instead of principle. To advance in management, don’t confront anyone and only give positive reviews. Instead of trying to fix big problems, focus on unproductive work that everyone notices. In times of crisis, wonder out loud what someone will do. Polish the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Authority
Don’t question authority; it’s there for a good reason. Believe in and actively defend “the way things used to be” even if your memory is hazy about when that actually was. Feel threatened by new ideas. Never be the voice of dissent. Support your country’s foreign policy when it is popular and reject it when it is unpopular. Don’t wonder about someone’s motivations for pursuing one choice over another.

***
Don’t worry, be happy
Don’t worry about being average, because no one will ever question you about it. Average is the status quo. Politicians pander to the average out of political necessity. When they try to promote their own unconventional ideas, they quickly learn how risky it is to be truly different. If you go through life following this advice, you’ll find yourself in good company with virtually everyone who lives an unremarkably average life.

What more could you want?

camp SARK

2009-07-24T12:33:00.006-04:00

I signed up for an e-camp with SARK - the quirky, inspirational, creative soul who seems to pop into my world at just the most perfect times.

Camp is 30 days of thought-provoking emails to get your juices flowing. To dig deep into your world of words and see what comes to the surface. I thought it would be fun to play a little, before school starts. Something to challenge and excite me.

Today was Day 1:
1. Create a list of gorgeous moments
2. Write about one item on that list more deeply
3. Create another list of gorgeous moments, centering around nature and the outdoors
4. Write a poem from the contents of the list

gorgeous moments, list #2:
- Sunshine on my face
- Wind whipping around my hair
- The smell of the ocean
- The roar of waves crashing on the shore
- The sound of birds in the early mornings
- The deafening vibration of frogs in the summer
- The crackling sound of an orange hot fire; flames licking the wood
- Fresh rain on the grass
- Watching animals just be
- Lilac bushes in the spring
- Hiking to the top of a mountain – my heart pounding with exertion and altitude, the blood coursing through my body, tingling my fingers, and the breathtaking feeling of being able to fall off the world

The world outside
I crested the top of the mountain
Feeling the sunshine on my face.
The wind whipped around my hair
And I could smell the ocean.
Like the salt of your skin when I pulled you close.

I stood still – my heart pounding with exertion and altitude –
and I could feel the blood coursing through my body.
My fingers tingled, in time with the roar of waves crashing on the shore.

I knew that I would be here, watching you;
Hearing the crackling sound of an orange hot fire as the flames licked the wood.
Like I’d lick my lips after our kiss.

And the sweat between us; as fragrant as fresh rain on the grass
Would quench my thirst. Until the next time.
The next breathtaking feeling of being able to fall off the world.

-lml, July 24

sewing love

2009-07-17T10:10:00.002-04:00

I held her face between my hands and I kissed her furrowed brow. Trying to soften the deep fissures that threatened to reveal the depths of her sorrow. I smoothed back her hair and looked into her eyes. I told her that our little patches, little fabrics of love - the pieces of ourselves that we share with the people we treasure and the people who fill our souls - can be sewn together to make a beautiful quilt. Alone, that one square may seem small and insignificant. But together, they bring warmth, comfort and peace. That beautiful weight that envelopes and covers you just before you drift off to sleep.

I told her that was what family was. And I told her that was what she had in her life already. That she just needed to bring those pieces together and sew her own quilt. And then I wiped the tears from her face and kissed her lips.

~ That was my dream last night. I don't know who I was speaking to but the message moved me a great deal.

social - work - life

2009-07-10T15:42:00.003-04:00

Those people who know me know that I'm a social person. I truly enjoy people. I like interacting with people on a regular basis. The times when I'm not around folks, I often feel a little hollow - a little askew - like something is missing or something is off.

I guess I am a bit of a community whore - I like being around people. I like sharing laughter and friendship. I like feeling that I belong. I know I feed off the positive energy that comes with connecting. And I'm equally as affected by interactions with people who send off negative energy.

So, it's been an interesting discovery for me to realize that 9 months into my new job (I guess it's technically not new any more), I've yet to make a close connection. Don't get me wrong - there are some fun and talented, interesting, enlightened, and really beautiful people who work here - but I'm not participating. I'm not engaged. I'm eating lunches alone, working on an independent team who functions quite competently on their own, and I'm not socializing with folks outside of work.

Interesting.

I suspect some of these tendencies have to do with the fact that I'm changing; gearing up for school and anticipating that I will be busy and unable to have much of an existence outside of work/school. I suspect some of it may also be that's my extroverted and social tendencies are shifting. I'm more restless, more impatient with myself, less open to the world around me.

A lot of those feelings have to do with me steeling myself for the next year and half. Some of those feelings have to do with many unanswered, "what is my purpose in life?" questions that I have in front of me. Some has to do with learning to hunker down and get done what needs to be done in the little time that I have. Some has to do with recognizing that the people I am close to are blazing off on their life journeys. Some has to do with anxieties coming to surface.

Wherever these feelings come from, I'm just quietly observing this shift in me. Recognizing that it's a change, a rather momentous one, in my life and my temperament and my desires. Acknowledging that it's neither permanent nor absolute.

Happiness in the midst of Blues

2009-07-10T14:10:00.002-04:00

To me, there is nothing more that screams "It's summer!" than a series of outdoor concerts, hot weather, cold drinks, throngs of people laughing, waving their arms, connecting with friends and loved ones, singing and dancing, and getting up to mischief.

It's Bluesfest time in Ottawa. It's time for 10 days of bliss. Time to put you day-to-day drudgery aside; all those noisy, irksome responsibilities. It's time to put on some comfortable clothes (don't forget your shades!) and head down the Lebreton Flats for a rockin' good time. Discover some new sounds, hear some old favorites, let everything else go in the presence of music.

See you there!

Right brain vs Left brain

2009-07-06T13:12:00.007-04:00

I watched this video of a brain scientist who had a stroke. She used her stroke as an opportunity to really understand how the left brain and the right brain work. (Talk about the ultimate science experiment!) She goes into great detail about the differences between these two parts of our brain; blending spirituality and science in a captivating way.

Watch it for yourself! I'd love to hear what you think.

http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html

summer reading list

2009-06-25T15:50:00.005-04:00

I was halfway through my latest Lee Child book, Die Trying, starring the unflappable, restless wandering hero, Jack Reacher, when I received my summer reading list from Queen's. Once I'm done this action-packed piece of fiction, I've got to dig into a different kind of summer reading buffet in preparation for school:

The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't (Robert I. Sutton)
Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done (Larry Bossidy)
Succeeding in Statistics by Ronald E. Shiffler & Arthur J. Adams (to be reviewed)
Queen's: Finance and Accounting Workbook (to be completed)
Strategy: A View from the Top by Cornelis A. de Kluyver & John A. Pearce II
A Writer's Handbook by Leslie E. Casson (I think I'm going to be OK with this one!)

It all looks very interesting and demanding. I'm almost ready to get started...

...once I finish with Reacher. : )

5 years

2009-06-19T18:33:00.012-04:00

A couple of months ago, I celebrated a major milestone. 5 years ago, I left Mike.

It's been a crazy 5 years. Like the bubbly champagne froth that explodes up the glass and spills over the sides, I have experienced a lot of drama and adventure and change!

I left a 15 year marriage. I experienced the loss of Kona. I moved 5 times. I had two new roommates. I changed jobs twice, and moved to a new company. Many of my closest friends experienced tumultuous changes in their own relationships and lives. I discovered my own sexuality and the kind of relationships I wanted for myself. I watched the destruction and downward spiral of my beautiful little sister, Lisa. And then I watched as she grew healthy and thrived. I travelled around the world. I moved in with Jack and Gaby. I left search & rescue. I watched as friends got married and had babies. I enrolled in school!

Let's just say that in the last 5 years, there has been a lot of adventure. A lot of change! A lot of "new" things.

I realize, as I reflect on these years, that I am good with change. I thrive on it. I am resilient. I am capable. And, dare I say, I actually love it.

But, in the last few months, I've experienced a different kind of place. A different kind of world. Things are quiet. There doesn't seem to be the kind of drama and tension and upheaval from before. The long, sleepless nights fraught with worry. The anxiety in my stomach. The build up to a difficult conversation. The need to be constantly vigilant in my words and my actions. The loss of friendships and loneliness with finding a place where I fit in. The fear that I am making a wrong decision. The adrenaline that comes with the unknown. The new. The sheer thrill of jumping in with both feet. The pounding of my heart with throwing caution to the wind.

Aside from a few rowdy evenings with good friends, my life is moving to a different rhythm. There's a steady beat. A quiet satisfaction. A calm. I don't worry about where I'm going to be next, what I have to do, the decisions that weigh on me, the difficult choices, the fear, the escape, and that exhilaration of seeing what's around the next corner.

Don't get me wrong - I live in the moment, as best as I am able. And I have no idea where tomorrow or 9pm tonight will bring me. But, as I sit here on a Friday evening, I want to celebrate something different. I want to raise a glass to toast to the peace that I feel. The ease in my body. The love that surrounds me.

And I look forward, with relish, to whatever my next adventure will be!

riding the rollercoaster

2009-06-16T16:03:00.010-04:00

Things that have stirred up emotion in me the last few days...

- hearing about my second Aunt who's just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Both live so far away from me (Hungary and BC) and I keep wishing I could swing by their respective homes and deliver a hug to them in person.

- getting an email from a friend filled with love and support and practical things that I could do or think about doing for both my Aunts. It was unexpected and much more deeply needed than I thought.

- meeting a new friend of a friend whose family comes from a small town in Hungary; the same small town that my own father hails from, Szombathely! What a small world!

- someone reminding me of the fact that I'm nearing 40 and I may want to think about having kids before its too late. Who says it's ever too late?

- being given a chance at work to buy more vacation days (score!) and remembering that I am taking time off for school already (damn!).

- connecting with my Dad about taking a trip together to Hungary to see where he grew up and where he lived as a youngster.

- being invited to celebrate fathers' day with members of my chosen family.

Who needs to go to Canada's Wonderland to ride a rollercoaster?

like drinking a glass of iced water in the desert

2009-06-12T10:09:00.004-04:00

This passage was wonderful to read. Anne Morrow Lindbergh has such a powerful way of describing how to be in the moment with people, how to experience them as they are. The elasticity of relationships that she describes is something that really resonates with me. I want that for myself. I want to live that. And I feel lucky in my life that I can try and practice that way of connecting and relating to another person. I have a tremendous circle of friends (and friends with benefits) in my life.

I think about love and relationships a fair amount. I often assess whether a behavior or response that I see is something I want for myself. Whether it makes me feel comfortable and at ease or whether it makes me very wound up and emotional.

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand.

We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now.

Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides."
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

reflections on me with a little person

2009-06-10T16:42:00.003-04:00

I had the privilege a few weekends ago to care for a little person for an entire weekend. She is an amazing girl - energetic, determined and affectionate. She's happy and well-adjusted and a lot of fun.

I had been asking do this for a long while (and wanting to do it). I love being around little people. I feel good around them! They energize me and fill me with happiness. I love interacting with them. I understand them. I like them. And so, I thought I was more than ready for this.

It was an experience I will not forget! It was beautiful, powerful and exhausting and, surprisingly enough, it generated a huge number of emotional responses in me.

I even cried a few tears during the weekend - both from profound feelings of love and yearnings and from many of my biggest fears coming to the surface. I've finally had a few minutes to reflect on my feelings and try and capture them in words.

the heady intoxication of a brilliant kind of love and attention; mesmerizing and all consuming. I *get* why people fall in love with their children.
watching a face light up at seeing you come into a room.
hearing belly laughs and giggles. It makes it so easy to smile and remember how good life is.
the fun of playing and laughing and enjoying the moment. What a high!
experiencing the pure pleasure that results from watching a little person feel proud at something they learned how to do.
feeling like you are an important person, that you are loved and cherished.
feeling the freedom to love them back intensely, especially in a society that doesn't generally accept or understand that kind of love.
the awesome weight of responsibility; the black hole of absorption. How do parents ever leave the house?
fatigue. The sheer exhaustion of being around an energetic, rambunctious, happy almost-two-year old!
the lack of interest in my own self. I didn't care what I ate (or didn't), what I looked like, whether I had showered. I couldn't even think about shagging!
the emotional distress that I experienced at seeing a meltdown. I had a strong desire to want to make her happy - at whatever cost.

I don't expect to find answers to the questions that these reactions generated. I sincerely hope I get another opportunity to be with her and I suspect the next time I get the chance to take care of her it may be easier or it may be harder. I guess I just won't expect it to be anything than what it is.

I am, however, fascinated by the feelings that I experienced. That was a lot packed into a short period of time! It made me realize all the intensity that a parent must feel around their little people. The incredible highs and the challenging lows. And that beautiful balance of somehow navigating it all on a daily basis. Wow.

doing more

2009-06-09T13:50:00.002-04:00

My heart feels a little heavy today. A little full and a little sore. I feel like I've been spending a lot of my time taking these days (taking love, taking friendship, taking food, taking pleasure, taking joy, taking goodness, taking laughter, taking smiles, taking fun, taking sleep, taking and taking...) and I feel like it's time for me to give.

And just when I feel so ready to do something, I'm reminded about the big step that I've chosen to do, that I've committed to doing, in the Fall. Just when I feel like I've taken enough, spent the last 5 years living for myself with no thought to the world around me, I remember that I'm doing yet another thing just for me. Another thing that will take away time from helping someone else. Make someone's life a little easier.

*sigh*

First step: complete the EMBA program.
Next step: do something more (volunteer with Red Cross, teach English, be a big sister, volunteer at the Humane Society, volunteer at a soup kitchen, be a foster parent...)

homecoming

2009-06-08T12:03:00.005-04:00

After 4 weekends away, it was an absolute pleasure to come home last night. I was so happy about being immersed in my little space. Upon my arrival, I got a big bear hug and delicious kiss from J. While I unpacked my bag, I cuddled Chloe (who purred while crawling into my duffel bag in search of the source of the strange new city smells). I made my bed with the new linens I purchased at Simons (my only purchase of the weekend) and put on some comfortable pjs. I made myself a delicious bagel and cup of tea and took a few minutes to thank my beautiful friends for accepting me and my rowdy and raucous behavior in Montreal (giggle). I played rock band with the crew until my voice cracked with fatigue. I did laundry and was so grateful for the clean house that I came home to. I watched an episode of Lost, ruffled my freshly made bed, and soaked up the feeling of drifting off to sleep in a tangle of limbs. *sigh*

home sweet home, until my next adventure!

let's get physical

2009-06-05T10:28:00.002-04:00

I'm a physical person and I love exercise and moving my body. It makes me happy and gives me a natural high. While I was walking home last night, I was thinking about all the sports I've tried and tested over the years. In my lifetime, I've done the following:

swimming (back stroke, front crawl, butterfly), basketball, hiking, gymnastics, track & field (long jump, high jump, hurdles, 800m, 400m, 50 yd dash), cross-country running, marathon running, sprint distance running races (5K, 10K), triathlons (sprint, Olympic, & long course distance), road racing (criteriums and road races), mountain bike racing, cyclocross racing, Nordic skiing, skate skiing, downhill skiing, tobogganing, snowboarding, snow shoeing, ice skating, rollerskating, roller blading, skateboarding, windsurfing, snorkeling, SCUBA diving, water skiing, surfing (once, but I want to do more!), beach volleyball, indoor volleyball, archery, lacrosse (once), soccer, dodgeball, flag football, ballroom dancing, pole dancing, skipping jump rope, hula-hooping, trampolining, softball, tennis, badminton, horseback riding, adventure racing, kayaking, rowing, canoeing, rappelling, rock climbing, white water rafting, dragon boating, aerobics, yoga, fencing, floor hockey, inner tube water polo, bowling, bicycle polo, wake boarding, body boarding, squash, racquetball, croquet, curling, ping pong, and weightlifting.

*phew!* ...and there is still so much to try and do! : )

I have to say that despite all the things I've tried and done over the years, my favorite form of exercise is walking. I find it easy, spiritual, and a great way to explore a city or a place. It's powerful and my body loves it!

Hoofing it

2009-06-03T11:54:00.002-04:00

I'm walking to work most days and loving the energy, sunshine and the smile that is on my face as I stride along, arms swinging, head bopping, ear buds in place. It's a happy time for me! I love moving my body. I love the sound of my music blasting in my ears. I love the smiles that I share with fellow commuters. It's intoxicating.

I guess I move pretty quickly, too, because yesterday, on my way home I got headbutted by a big fat bumblebee. He whacked me so hard on the forehead that he flew away in a dizzy spiral. I got a good laugh at that. He probably thought he had smacked into a brick wall!

wedding card shopping

2009-05-28T09:45:00.005-04:00

I went wedding card shopping last night and found it exasperating and exhausting. I wanted to find something authentic; something that captured my wishes and my being. Something that was honest.

All the cards I found spoke of true love, forever love, lifetimes together.... none of them talked about the happiness that is found right now, today, in this moment. The feeling that comes with living the truth for the present and not setting expectations or obligations for the future. The realization that you love someone fully today without knowing what tomorrow may bring. The pure pleasure in connecting with a soul friend and the fun, excitement, enjoyment of wanting to be with them, without the weight of being absolutely sure of everything from this point onwards. Because how can you be certain? Ever? Because we all do change and grow and we experience life differently at different times.

So, I decided I'd write my own set of wedding cards that I could use to celebrate the lovelies in my life that I know who are getting married. Something you probably couldn't find in Hallmark. Something that comes from me... with all my own filters, preconceived notions, and personal hangups, admittedly... : )

Congratulations!
To celebrating life and all the joy that comes with opening yourself up to love.

To making the choice to be here right now and loving with abandon.

To sharing your soul with a friend and a lover.

To immersing yourself in this moment fully - laughing, loving, celebrating and living!

To love - experiencing all the joy and happiness that this moment brings you.

To the beauty of this moment - may your soul be filled with love, laughter and lightness.

I could go on an on... but I suspect you get the gist.

To everyone who's filling their lives with love in whichever way makes them happy, I am sending you the warmest of wishes and much peace. xo

Nurturing your soul....

2009-05-27T16:30:00.007-04:00

I sent this to a dear friend today, and I thought I'd post it here for myself (and you) for future reflection.

It's raining here… pretty hard… and I'm looking out the window at work thinking about all the nourishment that the rain gives the earth. How much we thirst for water, in our own bodies.

And that made me think about different kinds of thirsts. I saw this today, and thought of you, my lovely friend. I thought your soul might be thirsty and that perhaps there was some food in these items that might bring you some peace.

10 Things to Nurture your Soul*

1. Tell The Truth
We speak in terms of "searching our soul" when we need to find answers for life's deep questions. The soul is the seat of our own truth and is a demand for it. We must seek the truth and tell it. Skate by the truth as your soul knows it, and sooner or later, you'll be back to re-visit the subject you avoided. The soul settles for nothing less than the bare naked truth.

2. Spend Time In Nature
Live close to the earth and you'll know its soul. When you know the soul of nature, you'll know your own. Spend time in the natural world and allow yourself to connect with all living things and you will find your place in the order of life. You will see yourself as a part of nature, no more and no less than the stars and the trees. The soul rests in the natural world.

3. Experience Your Experience
The soul is a junkie for experience. It loves it all! The soul has no preference for pain or joy; just a demand that we experience whatever is true in the moment. When grief or sadness are upon you, feel them, experience them. Through these harder emotions, new doors open and great freedom enters. When joy and passion are present, live them out loud. The soul is a glutton for living with gusto!

4. Live On The Edge
"Man is so made that when anything fires his soul, impossibilities vanish." --Jean De La Fontaine

Live out to the edges of your life. That's where the soul thrives. The soul seeks possibilities that can only be found beyond what is already known, safe and comfortable. It does not understand the meaning of "impossible". What is already known is already known. To the soul, the "juice" lies in the unknown, where all things are possible. The soul calls us to come to the edge, then go beyond.

5. Learn To Dance In The Rain
There will be times in your life when the sun doesn't shine. Dance anyway. There will be times when life is painful. Dance with your pain. The soul is naturally drawn to the dark, tight places inside. Its job is to expand those places so the light can shine into and through them. Dance with whatever cards you're dealt, then tell the truth about it. The soul is nothing if not an excellent dancer. Give it the dance floor and step aside!

6. Uncontrollable Belly Laughter
Laughter is good medicine for the soul. Nothing can uplift the spirit and lighten the soul like a good laugh that starts at your belly and explodes through your whole body. It's orgasmic! The soul needs orgasms as much as the body needs them. Who do you laugh with? Have a "laughter date" at least once a week. It's OK to be silly, hokey, corny, all the things your ego wouldn't deign to be. Get a grip and let her rip!

7. Meditation
To meditate is to enter the soul's inner temple. Here, you'll hear the soul's whisper. Meditation is like drinking water after crawling through the desert. It quenches the soul's thirst for silence and stillness.

8. Keep A Journal
Having kept a journal for over thirty years, looking back, I see than many of the same questions are with me today as thirty years ago, I'm just on a different turn of the wheel. I'm taking a deeper cut. I'm more surrendered to the wisdom unfolding as my life. All of this comes through my writing as I see my soul's process over the long arc of time expressed on the pages of my journal. It's a living document that you were here, you lived a life, you loved, you lost, you learned. Be sure to record your dreams, which are the language of the soul.

9. Love Fully
At the end of the day, how much did you love? Were you a lover of life, the world? Did you love with a big, wide, open, generous heart? Did you love without conditions? This is what will matter when you come to the finish line. The soul is here to learn to love it all, even and perhaps especially, those things the ego thinks are unlovable. Love the unlovable parts of yourself and others and your soul will find peace.

10. Bring A Sense Of The Sacred
To the soul, it's all holy. It's all sacred. Every moment, every experience, every blade of grass, every bug that crawls, every baby that cries, every tear that's shed, every gesture of love, every act of kindness..... it's all sacred. To bring a sense of the sacred to every moment is to live out the mission of the soul.

*Thanks to Judith Rich who used her words to describe such a powerful recipe for living

and the wheels go 'round

2009-05-18T21:03:00.010-04:00

Perhaps it's the copious cups of coffee, the chattering that happens within the closed confines of a car and the high caffeine content, the music streaming from the radio, or the endless ribbon of asphalt that unravels in front of your eyes...

..whatever it is, there is something about a road trip that inspires reflection.

On this particular long weekend, driving along quiet stretches of highways in Quebec, I listened to these Starsailor lyrics "So I turn to you and I say, thank goodness for the good souls, that make life better. So I turn to you and I say, if it weren't for the good souls, life would not matter." and I was consumed with thoughts of friends, love, and the beautiful experiences that both of these have brought to my world. Heady food for thought, indeed.

I've learned and explored a few things in the last few years about both. I consider these to be my own personal life lessons and I feel blessed that I've had the chance to experience them and grow from them.

- friendship is powerful force and has rocked my world more intensely than I could ever expected.

- there is nothing quite like the feeling of being with little people and being able to soak up their energy, laughter, and ability to live in the moment.

- people will come into your life bearing gifts. It's up to you to find what those gifts are and to use them without hesitation or restraint. Often it's not until much later in life that you recognize them for the impact that they had on you.

- when in the presence of love - the kind that fills your soul, brings a happy ache to your heart and tears to your eyes - stop whatever it is that you are doing, let the feeling flow down to your toes, and smile. Be still, be grateful, and soak it up!

- I don't know that I believe that I can change the world, but I do believe that people heal in the presence of love. Years of anger and hatred, fear and doubt can transform into courage, confidence and acceptance. It takes time and it takes openness. I believe that what we need to do to help make a global impact starts with a simple desire to want to treat one person differently.

- I am an incredibly lucky and blessed person and I am so grateful for all the people, experiences, and fortune that surrounds me. I recognize that life is short and I intend to fill mine with as much love, laughter and life as I possibly can.

A new girl

2009-05-15T14:23:00.000-04:00

It's a girl! Anna Elizabeth Hogue was born last night. Congratulations, Gina & Stuart. I can't wait to meet your new little one. : )

The coolest feeling in the world...

2009-05-14T15:40:00.002-04:00

...is my sister sending me text messages while she's in labor!!!!!!! I can't help it but I'm crying. I almost feel like I'm there.

I love you, Gina! Good luck!

My archetype: the giver

2009-05-14T06:39:00.002-04:00

On Tuesday, I saw a cat in a tree, stuck high above the branches, all four paws on hydro wires, supporting his weight by leaning against the hydro pole. He was meowing. He attempted to move a couple of times, got spooked by the wires, and stayed where he was.

I called the Fire department (what else do you do?) and they dispatched my call to Ottawa Hydro. While I was waiting for them, I noticed that a sign had been posted by the Humane Society. Since 10:46 am, the cat had been noticed and was being monitored by them, and the note suggested that the cat would come down on its own.

I called the woman from the Humane Society. She said they usually leave cats for at least 24 hours, as the cats, in the dark and when it's quiet, will come down on their own. She said if he was still there in the morning, she'd call Ottawa Hydro. I asked if I could leave some food and water there for him, as a possible lure. She thought that was a good idea.

Wednesday morning, as I drove to work, I saw that the cat was still there. Still in the same position. It had been over 24 hours. The poor guy. I called the Humane Society immediately and left a message for my contact. I had a three hour meeting at work, and when that was done, I walked to see if the cat had been taken down. He was gone and the Hydro crews were trimming trees branches to keep a space between the trees and the hydro poles. All was good!

I reflected on these events a lot walking home last night. Why was I so interested in being involved? Why did I expend so much energy on a cat that wasn't even mine? It's funny because it didn't even matter to me who's cat it was. I could imagine his relief and exhaustion at being down. I could visualize him arriving at home meowing at his family as if to say "You would not believe the day I just had."

I realized that I became involved mostly because I felt compelled to do something. I felt like I couldn't just walk by and disengage. It seemed like such a simple thing to do - help one cat stuck in a tree. Life can be incredibly difficult at times and having the opportunity to do something so simple seemed so natural.

All of these emotions reminded me that I'm a giver. I like to help. I feel good when I am doing something for someone or something. And it made me take stock of the life that I am living these days. I'm not living that part of me. I'm having a lot of fun. I'm connecting regularly with people who give me positive energy and love. I am very content and peaceful. But I think there is energy that I have that I'm not using. I am not volunteering. I only occasionally see my little sister. I've given up Search & Rescue. I guess you could say, I'm hungry to do more.

I just got accepted into the EMBA program which starts in the Fall. I suspect that I will need to wait a little bit longer to have the time (and energy) to be available to volunteer - but it was a good reminder to me that I have this energy to put to good use. It's there for the taking. So why waste it?

learning

2009-05-03T16:37:00.003-04:00

When I think about school:

I remember the angst
I remember not fitting in
I remember wondering what my destiny was
I remember worrying about the world
I remember feeling determined to do something about it
I remember hating myself
I remember harboring secrets
I remember wanting things so badly my stomach would twist in pain
I remember struggling
I remember not understanding the magic of learning
I remember feeling inadequate
I remember being afraid
I remember being able to understand people who also felt out of sorts
I remember wanting to help them
I remember feeling lost
I remember laughing easily especially over stupid things
I remember how easily things affected me
I remember crying often and hard
I remember wishing that things were different
I remember living in a fantasy world
I remember yearning to run away
I remember watching popular people with awe
I remember fumbling
I remember stumbling
I remember feeling awkward
I remember growing 5 inches so quickly
I remember towering over the rest of my class, boys included
I remember how much I loved to read
I remember that I wanted to be actress
I remember not making it into any plays
I remember creating stories and movies in my head
I remember going there for fun and comfort
I remember taking long walks in the mountains behind my house
I remember thinking that there was a reason for my existence and that I just needed to find out what it was
I remember the soul friends that I did make, how rare they were, and how they still make me smile when I think of them

Years later, I am thinking about going back to school and I've been assaulted by all these memories and fears and wants. I am a different person, in many ways, and yet I am someone who is still haunted by the ghosts of desire (to do good things, to be a part of a community, to feel acceptance in my heart, to help this world).

I like that I am stretching myself to reexamine this relationship. To look at it through a different lens. To open myself up to the beautiful experience of learning. Learning something new, stretching my mind, gaining a different perspective, giving myself permission to try and try and hopefully succeed in understanding something that is unfamiliar. What a fortunate place to be in! What an incredible chance to be bold and find courage. A chance to redefine myself and change old patterns.

How often in one's life will I have the chance to be immersed in growth like this? It's a good opportunity - one that makes me excited and anxious and determined. We'll see where it leads me!

Achhoooo!

2009-04-29T09:02:00.002-04:00

The great news is that the seasons are changing in Ottawa. The sunshine is coming out, the weather is getting hotter, and the flowers and trees are in bloom.

The bad news is that my allergies are exploding in a bad way. Grrr....
Makes me long for the desert dryness and heat of Oman.

Thankfully, I've got an arsenal of Nasonex, Aerius and Kleenex at hand.
I just feel badly for my lovely housemates who get to hear me sneeze and honk and rub my itchy, weary eyes. How sexy! ; )

Happy "achoo!" Spring!
Lala

Yes!

2009-04-21T14:55:00.003-04:00

I'm back home! Back to the smells of a familiar house, to the calm that comes with the unpacking of a well worn and battle weary backpack, to the delicious cuddles of a beautiful friend, to the purrs of the cats, to the greetings from loved ones, to the reflections of a fantastic adventure.

“The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.” Joseph Campbell

I just wanted to send a shout out to the three brave adventurers (Colleen, Hana and Jenn) who traveled with me to Oman and who helped make the experience rich, full of laughter and a whole lot of fun!

I can't wait to be able to YES to another adventure. Lucky me!
~ Lala

scratching that traveler's itch

2009-04-03T14:26:00.003-04:00

I'm off tomorrow for an adventure. : )

I invite you to come along for the ride! http://www.arabianlala.blogspot.com

See you in a couple of weeks!

cauterizing me

2009-03-25T21:16:00.004-04:00

I perched on the counter
and leaned towards you anxiously.
My shoulders hunched,
at odds with the cozy heat of the kitchen.

Amidst the sound of the rich coffee percolating,
I whispered my fears.
Letting my tongue form the words;
the demons that have been hijacking my thoughts.

And as the tears rolled down my face,
I spoke of the paralysis that I felt.
How scared I really was
and whether I had the courage to rip open those raw wounds
and start my healing.

While I talked, your eyes caressed me;
gently stroking the catch in my throat
until I calmed.
I heard you speak to me softly,
asking me to search myself for what it is that I wanted.

Whether I was ready to face all the darkness that seemed to engulf me.

And then you touched my hand; grounding me.
Reminding me of the electricity of your being
And what it takes to cauterize failure, and turn it into something of strength.

- lml March 25, 2009

Denying denial

2009-03-20T16:13:00.009-04:00

I struggle with the concept of denial. It's a yo-yo relationship that stems back to my early years in a religious school; the belief that denial is a constructive way to grow.

I have a really strong reaction to that concept. I feel, instinctively, that denying one's self of something doesn't make you grow; it makes you shrink and constrict. It tightens you; prevents you from letting go. Forces you to hold on to something fiercely.

When I deny myself of something, I feel like I am not accepting all the parts of me. I'm not accepting the little patches of colors and textures and motifs that make up who I am. I am informing my psyche that there are pieces of me that are bad, there are wants that I have that are wrong, there are parts of my whole that are not OK. And that what is right is to stuff those elements of my personality into a little box and lock it up.

In doing so, I learn not to accept certain parts of myself. I learn not to sit with those aspects of my self in compassion and patience and understanding. I teach myself that parts of me are not acceptable and not worthy. I feel guilty for enjoying those pleasures…

And I am startled by the intense feelings of rebellion and anger. Of being anxious and unhappy. Of wanting to flee. And when I have the chance, I end up overindulging because I've starved that part of myself for so long.

I wonder how the experience of denial can be healthy and constructive. I wonder how to learn and become more self-aware in that kind of a cycle. And I wonder how I can grow in that kind of an environment.

I'm not sure denial is for me. I don't quite know where the balance is, between too much and too little. I suspect that the middle ground is a place where there is openness, patience, awareness and acceptance.

Wordsmithing

2009-03-17T13:48:00.009-04:00

Revelation of the day: I miss words!!

I've been working in a new career for a few months now. I spend my time researching and analyzing. Finding solutions. Strategizing. I enjoy the challenge of change, of solving problems, of learning, of developing vision. I've been immersed in the world of "E" - the Web, social media, electronic communication.

Just today, I had an opportunity to review a document for someone outside of work, and I realized that I miss writing. I miss words. Well, to be more precise, I miss editing!

I miss reviewing content, reorganizing it, making editorial changes, solving word problems, offering up suggestions... I miss that whole experience of cleaning up words and making content more effective and accurate.

Wow. This is a huge realization for me. And I'm not quite sure what it means. For now, I think I'll let this sit awhile and simmer and see what speaks to me. ; )

traveller's itch

2009-03-10T14:23:00.013-04:00

In the tradition of blogging my travel adventures, I set up a new blog for my Oman adventure in April 2009. Feel free to check it out!

Lala of Arabia --> http://www.arabianlala.blogspot.com

If you'd like to read my other travel blogs, you can find them here:

http://nzlisa.blogspot.com/ (A Backpack, three weeks, and New Zealand: March-April 2005)

http://leprechaunlala.blogspot.com/ (Footprints and Pints in Ireland: May 2006)

http://thailala.blogspot.com/ (A tiny taste of Thailand: July-August 2007)

Happy wanderings. : )

dreams

2009-03-08T19:00:00.001-04:00

I'm afraid to dream
to breathe the essence of what I yearn for
as if by forming the syllables with my lips
the alchemy of life will change them
and I'll be left with the whispers that haunt me at night

I'm afraid to wish
to want something so badly that it consumes me
intoxicates me with passion and ardor
leaving me spent

I'm afraid to turn that page
to see the script of the future
the calligraphy of my soul
tattooed in my heart

I'm afraid to close my eyes at night
that perhaps I will not wake
and with that, the knowledge that I have not lived.

- lml march 2009

stuffing the closet

2009-03-06T12:52:00.021-05:00

I've been feeling scatterbrained the last few weeks.

It seems that the closet where I throw my thoughts, tasks, light-bulb moments, really nice ideas that I just haven't gotten around to doing, dreams and schemes, and other miscellaneous clutter is dangerously full. Every time I need to toss in another item, I can only figuratively inch the door open and hope the whole mess doesn't come tumbling down on me.

I think I generally like being jumbled and discordant. I like doing what I feel is impulsive and whimsical. I have spent the last few weeks laughing a lot, playing even more, and enjoying every last lick of it.

And I feel like I'm managing just fine. I got my taxes done, am actively studying for a test at the end of March, have made progress in work deliverables and vision, and even enjoyed some lovely, quality time with my closest friends. I sleep soundly at night and wake feeling relaxed and refreshed. I have a good quantity of energy and zest. And the spring feel in the air is making me excited.

Yet, I feel like I'm waiting for the walls to come crashing down. Like, at any moment, something is going to give, and I have no idea what it will be. Like that closet is lurking, eerily, in the back bedroom of my subconscious - a dark, musty closet that you know will reveal something nasty.

And being the procrastinator that I am, I think I'd much rather have a house fire blaze through that particular room, then have to roll up my sleeves and dig in; sort through the debris and make some sense of it all. I know I'm not quiet inside, and so I'm likely projecting that into my world. I don't feel discontent, but I also don't feel peaceful - and so the world around me becomes hyper and crazy.

And just as I am typing this, I meet a new colleague at work who tells me that he has leukemia. He's a young, fit, attractive guy. He's married and has a toddler at home. He smiles gently when he tells me that he's just getting back to the gym since he had 12 months of chemo. He describes that he will live with cancer in his blood for the rest of his life; monitoring his white blood cell count every three months. That if his levels deteriorate, he'll get back on the "soup"; the toxic cocktail that gives him a chance to live longer with his family. He talks about how this kind of thing puts life into perspective and makes it easier to laugh and to love. And then he walks away; munching on a donut.

And with that life lesson, I can feel my body relax. I can feel that noise in my head quiet. I can feel the tears brimming in my eyes. And I thank him silently for the gift he has just given me.

March sunshine

2009-03-04T13:35:00.005-05:00

I'm a March baby. I'm a Spring baby. I was born two days after the official start of Spring. Ironically, my birth occurred in the middle of a huge snow storm in Montreal, and my mother wasn't sure if she would actually make it to the hospital in time for my birth.

And I am aware that I'm an optimist. I get so much of my energy by seeing the world in a positive way; looking for the silver lining present in every situation.

So, I don't know if this feeling comes from me being born at this time of the year or whether it stems from my enthusiasm, but I am noticing that the sun feels different in March.

Yes, it's still bitterly cold outside. The kind of cold that whacks its way into your bones and leaves your teeth rattling on the way out. The kind of cold that paralyzes your lungs when you inhale deeply. A frigidness that makes you feel inspired to layer your clothes, take an extra portion (or two) of cheese and breads and comfort food, and lock the door until mid August.

But the sunshine feels different in March from the sunshine in February or late November. It feels warm. It feels stronger. When it touches your face, streaming through a window or brightly lit outside, I feel my skin heat up. I can feel my body relax into it. I can feel my spring soul jump excitedly.

"Spring is coming!", I hear my inner voice tell me, "Spring is coming!"

The world of 140: Twitter

2009-03-02T10:06:00.010-05:00

I wanted to take a few minutes to describe why I enjoy twitter so much, in 140 characters or less ; ) (101)

Firstly, it’s one stop shopping: From celebrities to musicians, social media mavericks to news releases, business to the latest hot topics. (139)

And it’s all available in one dynamic, constant flow of 140 characters: easy to read, easy to write, and complete with links and pictures. (138)

Above all, it’s free, accessible from anywhere, universal in it’s appeal, and easy to use. What more could you ask for? (119)

Just in case you might be intrigued...here are some of the cast of characters that I follow:

social media/marketing gurus:
jeremiah owyang
guy kawasaki
chris brogan
mashable
avinash kaushik
pistachio
bryan person
bryan eisenberg
rahaf harfoush

celebrities (actors, writers, musicians, athletes):
wil wheaton
lance armstrong
ashton kutcher
demi moore
dooce
soleil moon frye
don tapscott
stephen fry
neil gaman
levar burton
john cleese
john mayer
dave matthews

geek:
thinkgeek
bambi blue

environmental:
david suzuki

inspirational:
tiny buddha
you quoted quotes

news:
cbc
nytimes business
reuters
anderson cooper

business:
ibm cognos
pragmatic marketing
whole foods

local:
Ask Around Ottawa
suze muse
ryan anderson

Marketing 101

2009-02-26T12:24:00.006-05:00

I had an old 27" JVC TV, weighing about 100 lbs, that I decided I'd leave out on the sidewalk for someone to use, since I didn't need it any longer.

About 3 hours after leaving it outside in broad daylight, I was perturbed by the fact that no one had stopped to pick it up. I went outside to take a look, and saw that J had posted a sign on it that read "Works OK :-)"

I laughed out loud. "I think the same marketing principles apply even when you are giving something away for free. Let's try something a little more enticing", I said to J with a teasing smile.

I returned to the street, masking tape and marker in hand. I flipped over the sign and wrote in bold letters "Works Perfectly & Free!"

15 minutes later, we watched as a couple stopped their car, shoved the TV in their backseat, and drove off.

I guess it is all about the marketing.

caretaker

2009-02-22T11:37:00.001-05:00

I had an incredibly powerful dream last night. It was filled with oceans and beach bungalows. Apart from the sunshine and the water, and feeling both on my naked skin, I was surrounded by people that I love.

In my dream, I would walk or wade to a hut, and would visit with the people inside. Sometimes they would share their troubles with me (fertility questions, career aspirations, emotional pain), sometimes I would physically repair some aspect of the hut that needed to be fixed (a roof, a door, or a part of the floor), and sometimes I would just quietly hold them. Let them feel a gentle touch and the love that was present. Once I felt that I could leave them in a place that was better than when I arrived, I would move on to the next hut.

I realized after a few huts that I was a caretaker. A caretaker of the souls of my friends and family. Someone charged with the purpose of making their lives just a little bit more peaceful. Someone who felt free and comfortable tending to their emotions and their lives. Someone who walked away feeling energized and content after being in contact with them.

withdrawal

2009-02-17T17:21:00.003-05:00

I'm finding it to be a challenge to be here today:

Re-establishing myself on social media after spending so much time listening to the ocean

Re-integrating myself in my cluttered home after living off a couple articles of clothing and a pair of sandals for a week

Remembering all the lists of things I thought I had to do after reading my eyelids as I dozed in the sunshine

Re-acquainting myself with the frown in the middle of my forehead after laughing so hard that tears coursed down my nose

Re-connecting with friends and family after socializing with people from all over the world

Recharging my batteries after feeling like I could live on a week with no sleep just the constant buzz that comes from people and fun and laughter

Respecting the changes and the differences and reminding myself not to quiet the yearning that I feel

itchy feet

2009-02-05T14:20:00.007-05:00

I love vacations. I love traveling. I love mixing the two together.

I love using my time off to see new places. To experience things that I've never tasted, tried, touched, or taken in before. When I have these opportunities, I also get to experience myself in new ways. I learn what I am challenged by and what makes me uncomfortable. I learn where my soul loves to sing and what feels good to my spirit. I learn about where I can spread my wings and where my fears are triggered.

By being away from my routine and my comfort zone, I remember to open myself up to people, I find my smile widen, I feel connected to the universe, I try to learn a few phrases in a new language to spark new life in old, rusty parts of my brain, I let go of my known and try to jump into the unknown to unearth the gifts and treasures that travel brings me. I also feel like I have an opportunity to break down prejudices and expectations, that tartar buildup that happens when we live privileged lives, and meet new people, one person at a time, and learn from them.

Life is good. It amazes me. It fills me with so much happiness. And I intend to seize every opportunity I get to learn from it!

So off I go, on another vacation adventure. I'll be back before you know it, and maybe I'll have a story or two to tell.

bravery

2009-02-03T16:21:00.006-05:00

I saw this posted today and thought it would be the right kind of message for me. For no other reason then as a reminder of where inner strength comes from.

"Many people believe that cynicism is the height of courage. Actually, cynicism is the height of cowardice. It is innocence and open-heartedness that requires the true courage; however often we are hurt as a result of it."

~Erica Jong

25 things

2009-02-02T18:48:00.002-05:00

This exercise was circulating on Facebook and I actually completed it. : )

1. I feel overwhelmed with lists that describe myself because I truly believe I'm not all that interesting. What's interesting about me is that I enjoy listening to people to find out why and how they are interesting.

2. I love challenges - especially when it involves confronting my fears and things that make me feel uncomfortable. (See #1 and #10)

3. I love people and I get so much energy when I am around them. A smile, a laugh, a shared joke, a long involved story, a lot of emotion.. when people share themselves with me, I walk away feeling peaceful and rewarded.

4. I raced mountain and road bikes competitively for 11 years. I was never good at it because I didn't really like it.

5. I wish I could sing. I wish I could be that person on the stage that moves people to tears with their voice.

6. My favorite thing to do is walk the streets of a city at night - when sound is muffled, familiar shapes look different in the shadows and the world sleeps. I do this less now because it freaks people out (they worry about my safety) but I did it a lot when I had a big dog who used to walk with me.

7. I have never been in a physical fight before and a part of me wishes I could experience what it would feel like. Mostly because I wonder how much of a fighter I really am, and how scared I really might be.

8. I have lived an incredibly fortunate life for which I am very grateful for. I feel very guilty about why I was given such a life and other people have lived with so much pain. It doesn't seem fair to me.

9. I love to laugh and I laugh like an idiot. There is nothing graceful, beautiful, quiet or elegant about how I laugh, but I love to do it!

10. I have a short attention span at times, and am feeling that coming up with 25 things is going to challenge me....

11. See #2.

12. I am a very tactile person. My friends and family members know that I love to touch them, hug them, be connected to them physically. (And I'm sure it also drives them crazy.)

13. I give excellent massages and thought about going back to school for massage therapy. Thankfully, I can give people massages and satisfy my desire to touch AND make them feel comfortable and relaxed at the same time.

14. I'm a happy drunk.

15. I wish I could learn how to dance. I have "white" hips and I can't seem to move them rhythmically, at all.

16. I've just discovered how much I love little people and I've also discovered how few little people there actually are in my life that I am close to. I need to change this.

17. I strive to be honest about how I feel. I'm learning that some people feel alienated by it and others gravitate to it.

18. I believe in so many aspects of the Buddhist philosophy. It resonates very deeply in my soul.

19. I have a terrible memory. I don't remember places or events, movies, lyrics, or timeframes. I have very few childhood memories. I can remember numbers and birthdays, but that's about all. It disturbs me that I have no memories, but I seem to fill myself up with experiences on a day to day basis, and then I just let them go. Maybe that's why Buddhism speaks to me.

20. I have incredible dreams. I dream every night and dream in color. My dreams are sexual, playful, adventurous, exciting, and sometimes very scary.

21. I smile when I write emails as I believe that my good vibes get sent along with the words that I type.

22. 22 is my favorite number!

23. I love cigars.

24. I have amazing friends. I don't know how I've managed to find them over the years but they are, indeed, my chosen family.

25. I know that I need to do more in this world - to help make people's live just a little bit easier - I just haven't figured out where to begin.

exhaust fumes

2009-01-30T16:27:00.004-05:00

I'm officially announcing this to be my project management post. I have so much noise going on in my head that I'm feeling paralyzed by the sheer volume of it all.

I have ideas, worries, upcoming events, interests, compulsions, chores, obligations, dreams, needs, wants, silly thoughts, and a whole whack of things that I can't even categorize yet that keep swirling about in my mind.

I've decided to jot them down in the hopes that the practice of capturing them on (virtual) paper will free up some space to see opportunities and the energy to go ahead and tackle them.

I'm using bullets because I'm not interested in ranking them or prioritizing them right now. I just want to divest myself of them so I can breathe (and get ready for a weekend of play!).

submit my mba application
study for GMAT exam
draw new photo I just downloaded
finish reading the books by my bed ("Number Eight", "Grown up Digital","Hot, Flat and Crowded")
figure out where to start implementing pragmatic marketing at work
figure out where to start implementing e-marketing ideas at work
stop worrying about figuring it all out before starting (see above)
create a book on Spider for Sue
see an allergist
get travel vaccinations for Oman
get international driver's license for Oman
send a bday card and gift to Gina
download new tunes
have a vacation
swim 3/week
try out the workout DVD
visit the little people I love
visit the big people I love
see Slumdog Millionaires and The Reader
go to yoga 1/week
finish Lego batman
download and listen to TEDTalks podcasts
laundry
submit expense claims
max out my RRSPs
call home on Sundays
talk to my sisters at least once every 2 weeks
reply to all the friendly emails I've got in my inbox
reply to all the unfriendly emails I've got in my inbox
get laser hair removal
stop chewing the inside of my lip because I'm getting wrinkles on my face
see my dentist for checkup
stretch

Hmm.. I didn't have any incredible insights about how tackle these items, but it did feel good to purge. Happy weekend everyone. Hope you find some peace of mind, too.

swimming pool meditation

2009-01-23T11:15:00.012-05:00

stroke stroke -- breathe
stroke stroke -- breathe

I was meditating during my swim last night. Letting the noise in my head sort itself out; length by length

stroke stroke -- breathe
stroke stroke -- breathe

Thinking about how I'll fit school into my day; Figuring out what it would mean to study for 3 hours a night (at a minimum), and reflecting on whether I could sustain that for a lengthy period of time.

stroke stroke breathe
stroke stroke breathe

Letting the old fears of school and that world of expectations and judgement, that I resist so vehemently, wash over me; like the waves I generated as I kicked in the water.

stroke stroke -- breathe
stroke stroke -- breathe

My demons of failure and insecurities around intelligence and academia and self worth, rose in me; like the exhalation of my breath in the pool. Bubbling to the surface.

stroke stroke -- breathe
stroke stroke -- breathe

I left the pool an hour later, completely drained. My heart was pounding and my body felt exhausted. I felt empty, with no resolution or decision made.

Just the peace that comes with knowing that the water will be there for me next time, and with it, more opportunities to let go.

it's a new day, so sing

2009-01-22T07:36:00.001-05:00

"The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."

~ Maya Angelou

sigh

2009-01-21T21:42:00.001-05:00

It's been a weary kind of day, today. I feel weighed down and fragmented from the people and things that give me energy and pleasure. I'm filled with a yearning for escape which often comes to me at the times when I am the neediness. As if I want to somehow flee from my very own self. As if I recognize the distaste for seeing and experiencing that part of me. Even my dreams, my sanctuary away from reality that often fill me with color and vividness and intensity, were filled with images of people I enjoy and care for being awful to other people in my life. I felt caught in the middle and very torn and woke with a deep sadness. I have a hard time knowing what my soul needs when I feel this way. I respond quickly to tough love; the voice in my head telling me to just suck it up and remember how lucky I am. The sharp sting of rebuke or a roll of the eyes. And yet, if, in the midst of this space, someone passes along a kind word or a gentle thought, I feel myself crack ever so slightly, feel my throat tighten in a great lump, and feel the tears come.

I don't feel in the mood to try and analyze where these feelings are coming from. I suspect I'll get some inkling from my dreams tonight. I'm off to bed to rest and sleep and wake tomorrow with a brand new day to start things all over again. Wishing you all peace.

quote of the day

2009-01-21T14:11:00.002-05:00

"Do not travel far to other dusty lands.
forsaking your own sitting place;
If you cannot find the truth where you are now,
you will never find it."

- Dogen

Hope

2009-01-20T12:54:00.004-05:00

I just read this job description from Seth Godin and it made me think about hope

What marketers actually sell
Not powder or chemicals or rubber or steel or silicon or talk or installations or even sugary water.
What marketers sell is hope.
The reason is simple: people need more. We run out. We need it replenished. Hope is almost always in short supply.
The magical thing about selling hope is that it makes everything else work better, every day get better, every project work better, every relationship feel better. If you can actually deliver on the hope you sell, there will be a line out the door.
Hope cures cynicism. Hope increases productivity. Hope needs no justification.

Maybe it's because today is the day that Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, or maybe it's because it was Martin Luther King Jr. day yesterday, or maybe it's because we are feeling anxious about the wars going on the world and the economic crunch that makes our collective stomachs clench, or maybe because the winter days feel like they are getting longer and that spring is just beyond your finger tips away...

...whatever it is, hope feels very ripe today. It's in the air. People are looking for meaning in what they do, how they spend their time and money, what their existence is meant to be, who they choose to be with, what they do with themselves, what they want.

People are looking for hope and, I think, are much more receptive to hope. To smiles. To friendships. To opening themselves up to living life and all the beautiful things that come with embracing the moment.

little people

2009-01-19T11:10:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite bloggers and "livers of life", Jen Gray, wrote this new post on the effect that a particular little person has on her life. She is fairy godmother and soul sister to this new little boy, and she captured how much my own spirit sings when I get to celebrate the little people in my own life.

i wish i lived right next door to his Mom and Dad so I wouldnt miss a single second of his beautiful life. thank you Boho's for giving me the time to cocoon down with my baby Godchild. i miss you, i miss him, and seeing all of you again, simply cannot come soon enough.....

I wish I could spend more time with them and I look so forward to each and every chance that I get to connect with them. They fill me with much joy and happiness and I know that I am blessed to have the opportunity to soak up as much love from them and with them as I can.

Clearing a space for change

2009-01-16T13:34:00.015-05:00

I read this article from Daily Om titled "Clearing a space for change." It discusses the weight of objects, both physical and emotional, and how, when we hold on to things, we don't often have enough space for new life, new changes, new things to enter.

And how, by purging ourselves of material goods, and emotional baggage, we can live a lighter life - be more responsive, freer to life's changes, open to new experiences. It also suggests that by making this space, we may find that our energy level will soar (as we aren't as bogged down as before) and that it can lead to mental clarity and an improved memory.

I find it interesting that, while I don't profess to lead an exemplary life of simplicity, I am relatively unburdened by emotional and physical baggage.

I have some basic furniture and a few sporting goods; I lease a small car; I rent a house, which I share; I have a very reasonable wardrobe, which I purge and prune every few months or so; I have a lovely number of people that I adore in my life, that I feel spoiled to have, but try not to have any expectations of them; I feel as if I've let a lot of the weight of the years go, despite the laugh and worry lines that are etching themselves on my face; I sleep easily and peacefully at night; I laugh easily; I find I don't fret too much (except about myself).

But I have to tell you that my memory stinks! I wrestled with this very same concern a few years in another post: by letting go of all the things that remind a person of the past and potentially keep them there, am I also letting go of strong and powerful memories? Of being a child? Of spending time with my family? Of taking vacations and experiences? Of being married? Of journeys I've taken?

I don't have those memories. And if I do, I suspect they are somewhere deeply buried. I keep wondering if someday I'll just be flooded with them. Or maybe I'm just meant to live in the moment. And that is the lesson I must continue to practice.

I guess time will tell. Or maybe, in my case, it won't.

hibernation

2009-01-14T16:43:00.003-05:00

It's a cold, cold day in Ottawa. And it's supposed to be even colder still, tomorrow.

I am connecting with my inner bear tonight and I'm going to hibernate.
I have a good book that I want to devour.
I'll light some candles (oh how I wish I had a fireplace!).
I'll snuggle into a pair of longjohn pjs, sans the bum flap.
I'll sip on some wine.
I'll listen to tunes.
I'll think about people I love.
and maybe I'll draw.

A night of connecting with myself, refilling my jug, and sending happy and positive vibes into the universe by recharging and relaxing.

be well.

Update: as I made my way home and felt the stinging cold that left me coughing, and I listened to the news about Nortel going bankrupt and the fighting in Gaza, I thought about how amazingly lucky I am in my life. Lucky to have a warm place for the night. To have clothes that keep me protected. To have peace in my world. To feel loved. To have a job. To have the awareness that I am incredibly grateful and humbled by my lucky life.

Mrs. Carr

2009-01-12T18:52:00.003-05:00

“Let us ever behold the red and purple sunset.”
- words taken from the Native Canadian Prayer (a favourite of Illoma’s)

I was 17; a hyper, high-energy girl struggling with a severe eating disorder. Bouncing around the halls of a brand-new boarding school. Seeking attention and yearning to be popular and liked. Deeply saddened by the fact that I was neither. Feeling like I wanted to run away. Feeling wounded. Feeling like I was on the verge of taking a hold of my life and steering it in a direction that I wanted. For the first time in my life.

And there was Mrs. Carr. A woman who's face is blurred in my memories but whose words and essence changed my life.

I just remember how I would meet with Mrs. Carr every week. How we would talk about the things that I was struggling with in my life. How she would pay attention to my feelings and my intensity and my fears and my anger. She listened. At a time in my life when I felt very lonely and found it very difficult to express all the noise that was inside of me, I found a sanctuary in her office. I found a quietness. I found a place where I was treated as an adult and where my choices and my decisions were accepted and respected.

I think it was a first for me. To be on the receiving end of such empathy and compassion and freedom. There were no control issues. There was no insinuated hierarchy. There were no rules. There was nothing more than what was happening in the moment. She was Illoma and I was Lisa and I would talk and she would listen.

She had a profound and lasting effect on me. I can't articulate the kind of gift of freedom she gave me. The kind of life lessons she passed along to me when she told me to trust my instincts, to believe in myself, to listen to my soul, to follow what made me happy.

Life lessons that are coming back to me full circle tonight as I say goodbye to her.

Thank you, Mrs. Carr. Rest in peace.

bringing my worlds together

2009-01-12T12:10:00.003-05:00

I've been having so many dreams lately about bringing my different worlds together.

I moved around a lot as a child, teenager, and adult. I went to many different schools, lived in different cities and different countries. I traveled a lot.
At times, I was literally across the country from what I had known before.

Being a social person, and one who derives a great deal of pleasure and energy from interacting with people, these different parts of me would often collide in my dreams.

I'd host parties and large gatherings where all these different people and all these different places would intersect. Connections would be forged. Threads would be woven together. I'd walk through dream rooms and feel a thrill of satisfaction and immense relief to see people who had never met in real life, interacting and enjoying each other, as I always suspected they might.

And feel my fragmented parts be reassembled.

I think it was a very necessary and healing thing for me to experience those dreams. It helped me, in real life, remember all those segmentations that were in my life, and to keep things straight, and, at the same time, have a chance to bring things together, at a subconscious level, so that I could make sense (or order) of that which was so disparate.

Like putting the puzzle pieces together to make a picture of my life and the people and places and textures that make up my life. Giving me a chance to wake up in the mornings and feel whole.

So now, at a time when there are many momentous events happening to people around me and to myself (new babies, new moves, new homes, new jobs, new separations, weddings, connections, opportunities, discoveries, losses) it seems to spark a need in me, like the ignition of a long fuse, to explode into a series of very vivid dreams.

Dreams of parties and long conversations. Of catching up with people. Of saying goodbye. Of introducing people to each other. Of watching connections being made. Of navigating a sea of confusion and finding a sort of logic. Of electricity between people. Of seeing familiar faces and memories merge in a common space. A common space in my soul, no doubt.

My puzzle pieces are coming together. Again. For now.