New Beginnings Are Happening Right Now

"Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my life up to this moment, to come to this day. This moment - this day - is as good as any moment in all eternity. I shall make of this day - each moment of this day - a heaven on earth. This is my day of opportunity.”

- Dan Custer

I just got a call from Captain Ken, hailing all the way from New Zealand. I think he must be the loneliest man I know. He has no family, is estranged from his daughters, his wife passed away a few years ago. He met a woman, and briefly spent some time with her earlier this year, but that didn't work out. He said he spent Christmas alone. My heart just ached for him.

We chatted for about 15 minutes. He talked a little about what he was doing today (it was 3pm on Fri, Dec 31). He talked about some of his hobbies. One thing he mentioned is that he didn't cook. And when I told him that I didn't either, he said, "OH. Well, then, I guess I can't marry you. I was hoping that you cooked. But it won't work out if you don't cook." I had a good chuckle at that. And yet, it was twinged with a bittersweet sadness, as if it were even remotely possible that I had that kind of power to fill someone's life with happiness.

I hope he can find some friendship in 2006 - that whatever mistakes he's made, whatever doors he's closed, that whatever has happened in the past can be left in the past, and that he can find the courage and the strength to take a new, bold step forward... and open himself to new connections and new possibilities. Life is too bloody short, and to feel like your only friend is some girl you met for a fleeting instant on a bench at a train station thousands of miles away seems wrong somehow.

My thoughts are with you Ken. Be well.
Lisa

Homecoming...

I don't think I have a home. I don't think there is one single edifice or structure that is the magnet that draws me back. My home exists wherever and however I feel whole. In the moments when I feel at peace with myself. When I catch a glimpse of me in a situation, in a group of people, or when I am alone, and I don't experience denial, dissatisfaction, or a deep desire to be different, better, stronger, more attractive, smarter. That moment when I feel content is when I know that I am at home.

I find those moments are rare, precious, and so incredibly beautiful. Seeing the warmth of a smile extend into someone's eyes upon my arrival. Hearing pure, uncensored laughter. Taking a risk by revealing my rawest parts of me. Connecting with someone whom I care about, and feeling my heart ache as it fills with love and a bottomless supply of happiness at being with them. Feeling accepted and genuinely liked. Smiling. Giving hugs that are extensions of me, and having them enjoyed and received. Pausing to look around and experience whatever is happening in the moment. Sunshine. Drifting off to sleep at night, and in the moments before I dream, feeling my body relax and calm.

Letting go of worrying about how people will perceive me, how I see me, doing what is expected of me... and just being me.

That's my home.

Unraveling the ball of knotted threads...

I tossed and turned last night, not finding the sleep that I was craving. So I decided I would try and meditate. I guess I had so much clutter in my mind.

As I concentrated on my breathing, visualizing each breath coming into my body, and going out. Things, I'll call them threads, kept coming to the forefront of my thoughts. Snippets of conversations that I'd had over the last few days; memories of silly or stupid things I've done; lists of things that I must remember to do over the next day, weeks, and months; financial anxieties; thoughts of friends and family members; desires to get back into shape; and the reliving of happy, contented moments.

As each thread come into my mind, I let it go. Some things were harder to let go, and I'd find myself drifting off following that stream of consciousness, but I'd bring myself back. It's almost as if I would take a good look at it, and mentally say to myself "OK, that's ok that I am thinking of this", accept it, and let it go into that fuzzy ether of my me.

It felt as if this big ball of knotted string, the clutter, began to unravel. And the less knotted it was, the more I felt calm. My mind settled, and I felt more relaxed. It was fascinating to observe the whole process. I was very much involved, and it was happening to me, but at the same time I was observing what I was doing and seeing me calm down and find peace.

And I actually did fall asleep for a good long while.

Big Move...

Jennie and I got the news today.. the house we like is ours for the taking! Yeeehaw! : )

And so begins a big move for me. First time I've lived with someone, other than an intimate partner, for a period of time longer than 6 months. (For some reason, I consider my time with Sue to be a time when I needed to heal. When I needed a friend and a place to call home, which wasn't entirely my place, yet which was a space that I considered welcoming and warm.) This decision feels different. We are both going into this with eyes wide open, and with a great sense of "What the heck!?! This is going to be fun!"

And I think it will be.

The happy list includes:

* living with a beautiful friend, with whom I feel comfortable being honest and open
* a new gorgeous house
* not too far from work
* lots of sunlight, and open space
* places for me to be me
* places for both of us to connect, if we choose to
* a big tub for Jennie to soak in, and for her to teach me about the joys of lots of suds, a glass of wine, some candles, and a good book. (YEAH right, me in a tub! ; )
* a not-so-cheap-but-considering-the-rent-pretty-fucking-reasonable cab fare to downtown. ; )
* party central
* close to the grocery store
* 9 clicks from work (I can bike OR run)
* did I mention that I'll be saving $$$$$
* Jennie's a good cook (I'm going to get fat, I know it! ; )
* a deck for sunbathing!

and many more things that I'll get to discover and experience over the next little while. : )

Hold me closer, tiny dancer...

I watched Almost Famous tonight - complete with groupies and bandaids and rock stars and music. Friendship, the discovery of who you are, and a coming of age of sorts.

It wouldn't take me much to be a part of community like that. I see myself being a part of something, something that expresses love and laughter and friendship. I am not sure where it would take me, but I think it's a huge part of me. I think it's a good thing for me to know and to experience.

I don't think I'm meant to be alone.

And yet, that's a scary thought. Do I need this in order to be happy? Or could I thrive on my own, confident in the fact that there may be people in the universe who enjoy my company. And would it just be gravy to experience good friendship, laughter, and even love along the way?

It's an interesting thought.

The Sincerity of Now

Here's a little excerpt from a recent conversation with a good friend of mine. We were talking about eyes being the window to the soul, and how being in the moment and being present allows you to experience so much about life that we tend to miss.

That your senses go into overdrive in the way that you look at the world, the colors, the textures, the smells and sights, the tastes. Everything is heightened. That being able to let go allows you to experience the intensity with which you can touch someone. And gives you awareness about people and situations - awareness that allows you to really see someone as they are.

And the conversation took a turn to a big realization for me. That I so enjoy being in the moment, that it feels natural. It feels so right to me to let go, and that during moments when I feel like I am unable to move, I experience fear and discomfort and anxiety. It's a wonderful realization that I actually like being in this place, that it is a part of me. And I think it feeds on itself.

---
You see, I'm not interested in promises about 'forever' which nobody in this world has a right to make. What I appreciate is the sincerity of now.

Me: That's a beautiful statement. The sincerity of now.
That's all there is. And with me, I enjoy being sincere, and being honest. and being NOW.

Yes, you do. You're very good at it. You have a lovely focus and I suspect that is what feeds that smile.

Me: it's been a long time coming. But it feels so natural.
It astonishes me, really. And I love it!

That is beautiful ... beyond everything I've ever heard you say.

TGIGF

Happy Friday!

I have nothing to post. So à la Seinfeld, I am going to post about nothing.

I thought about writing something inspiring and motivational, but I was too tired.

I wanted to write about a fun, silly event, but I am enough of a goofy person in real life that I didn't want to be redundant.

I could write about sex... but where would I start? ; )

I'd love to describe an adventure, something harrowing and gripping, but I've been having too much fun lately!

I could tell you about the song I am trying to learn to play on guitar, but I haven't been practicing it.

So, it's Friday! I woke up with a smile and I have nothing to say.
It's going to be a good day. : )

Celebrating in the "Being Different" Cult

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

‘Think Different’ Advertisement

Friday Yay

I don't have anything to post today, but it is Friday. I feel like that, in and of itself, warrants a fresh clean slate. Yay.

Yay to the weekend. Yay to -10 weather. Yay to clean sheets (and getting them dirty again!!). Yay to sleeping in tomorrow morning. Yay to drinking wine tonight. Yay to the big fat newspaper with the color comic pages. Yay to listening to music. Yay to playing Dharma. Yay to not working. Yay to spending time with good friends.

Phew, I need a vacation! : )

There Is No Ground

Instructions on mindfulness all point to the same thing:
that being right on the spot nails us. It nails us right to the point of time and space that we are in.

When we stop there and don’t act out, don’t repress, don’t blame anyone else, and also don’t blame ourselves, then we meet with an open-ended question with no conceptual answer. We also encounter ourselves. The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find that something is not as we thought. That’s what we’re going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought.

I can say that with great confidence. Emptiness is not what we thought. Neither is mindfulness or fear. Compassion—not what we thought. Love, buddha nature, courage—these are code words for things we don’t know in our minds, but any of us could experience them. These are words that point to what life really is when we let things fall apart and let ourselves be nailed to the present moment.

The path of the warrior-bodhisattva is not about going to heaven or a place that’s really comfortable. Wanting to find a place where everything’s okay is just what keeps us miserable. Always looking for a way to have pleasure and avoid pain is how we keep ourselves in samsara. As long as we believe that there is something that will permanently satisfy our hunger for security, suffering is inevitable. The truth is that things are always in transition. “Nothing to hold on to” is the root of happiness. If we allow ourselves to rest here, we find that it is a tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs. This is where the path of fearlessness lies.

-- Pema Chodron

Thankfulness

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.

--Buddha

the definition of suffering

and other reasons why I feel so connected with Buddhism.

the definition of suffering, provided by mathieu ricard, a buddhist scholar and monk.

"We incur pain and suffering, but we create unhappiness. Suffering can be triggered by numerous causes over which we sometimes have power, and sometimes none. Being born with a handicap, falling ill, losing a loved one, or being caught up in a war or in a natural disaster are all beyond our control. Unhappiness is altogether different, being the way in which we experience our suffering. Unhappiness may indeed be associated with physical or moral pain inflicted by exterior conditions, but it is not essentially linked to it. Just as the mind that translates suffering into unhappiness, it is the mind's responsibility to master its perception thereof. The sanskrit word, dukha, usually translated as affliction, misery, or suffering does not define simply an unpleasant sensation, but rather reflects a fundamental vulnerability to suffering and pain. It can also be a profound state of dissatisfaction that endures even in favorable external conditions. In its deepest sense, dukha is intimately linked to a misapprehension of the nature of reality."

magnetic poetry

I stumbled across some magnetic poetry that I wrote in January 2003.
...please note that word choice is limited ; )


dazzle me
make me blush
like the salty ocean
seep over me like caramel

soft stars
are candy
in the sky

ferocious questions
like who what why
and the universe
remember to celebrate
the delicious life
have peace

kisses melt ice lips
with warm breath
like fire

Let Go

I've got these lyrics from the song "Let Go" by Frou Frou (from the Garden State movie soundtrack) on my mind....

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Hugs

Here's a quote from Jack, after a night of me needing many of these....

"The beautiful thing about hugs is that they are bi-directional by definition. Every hug I give you, I get one in return."

relationships

What is a relationship?

I spent some time today talking to a good friend about relationships. What are they? What does it mean? What do I want? How do you know?

I managed to come up with a list of things I don't want.

* I don't want to define the word relationship. It takes two people to connect. And in that connection there exists something that gives each person their freedom and their happiness. If that doesn't exist, than the relationship needs to move on or grow or change. And each person's definition of what feels right exists in their mind and their heart. So basically, there is no definition.

* I don't want to need someone. That feeling of waking up and worrying about someone, where they are, what they are doing, who they are with, and how that may affect me... those feelings don't feel right to me. My choices are for me. How I choose to spend my time is mine. I can only hope that whomever wants to be with me will choose his/her time the same way. That he/she makes their own choices, for themselves. Because ultimately, nothing makes me happier than for me to feel like reason someone calls me on the phone, the reason someone emails me, the reason that someone wants to go out to dinner with me, is because they WANT to.

* I don't want to be attached. I suspect that this statement sounds cold or unfeeling. But what I am trying to convey is that if a person I am enjoying spending time with decides to make a different choice for himself/herself, and that this choice does not involve me, I hope that I am able to remember that this is about their choices and happiness, and that I am not responsible for either of those. I fully believe that I am intense person, I don't do much that is half-hearted. I like to love fully, laugh fully, enjoy things fully... so I don't believe I am capable of only giving part of myself to a person or a situation. But what this means to me is that I don't make my choices for someone else. I don't define my happiness by someone else's standards. I think the two are separate.

* I don't want to be hesitant. I love the phrase - Jump in with both feet! The only way I can truly learn about what I want, is by trying. Try something once. If I don't like it, I'll learn from that experience. But I find it so hard to know what you want, when you haven't had that experience in the first place. The other day I was in Quiznos, and I was trying to explain to someone what an avocado tastes like. Have you ever tried to explain what an avocado tastes like to someone who hasn't tried it? I ended up telling this girl to just try one. See if she liked it. Because I couldn't come up with the words to describe it to her properly, and she couldn't decide whether it was something she would like or not, based on my description.

let's pause for a moment...

I liked reading this quotatio this morning.

Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.

Guillaume Apollinaire, 1880-1918

Speed Demon

Me screaming down Russell Road at 170 km/h in a hot red convertible BMW Z4 3.0i.

ohmygod!

The most fun you can have with your pants on. : )

Belief

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. It is fearlessness, and it is love.

-- Buddha

Un-Familiar

Just when you start to feel like things are familiar, and well-worn, and known, I find that life sends you a message, and turns your world upside down. If you are open to it, doors that you thought were never possible, suddenly open to you. Opportunities appear. Things you couldn't fathom, exist.

I am learning to play a musical instrument.
I. am. learning. to. play. an. instrument.

I have no clue where this will take me. Whether I will like it, leave it, or love it. Whether this will become a mainstay of my life, or whether in a few years, I'll buckle the clasps on the case, and pass her along to another interested person.

But for now. I am listening to notes. Hearing music in my head. Seeing my fingers take shape to make a chord. Transitioning from one chord to another to make a song. A song. Me! Wow.

I think Robert Frost described this so well.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

-- Robert Frost

Dharma

I got a guitar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's a Yamaha, FS 720S acoustic guitar. In a lovely shade of turquoise.

OHMYGOD!

I named her Dharma. : )

My new favorite word

meh

(usually accompanied with a slight tilt of the head, and an indifferent and oh, so very cool movement of the shoulder)

It's so not me. But I simply love it.
How many other three letter words can conjure up so much meaning?
A few examples are

"whatever"

"as if"

"shrug"

"maybe"

"you never know?"

"kiss my ass!"

"yeah yeah"

"I don't care."

Creative Sites

I stumbled across this Web site awhile ago, but I really like it.

Learning to love you more

Every week or so they post a new assignment. If you are looking for ways to spark your creativity, try something new, or just have fun. You should try it. : )

Warning, Darkness Ahead...

This is a pretty heavy, graphic blog. I needed to put it out there for me. If you don't feel up to reading it, then I suggest you hold off. Just for a little bit. Happy Lala will be back soon.

I wrote this for someone who was in pain last night. I feel so helpless, I don't know how to reach her. How to connect with her. How to be a friend to her. I watched her bleed last night - dripping blood all over her clothes and the floor. I bathed her arms and legs as gently as I could, as if somehow I could soothe her soul. As if somehow I could reach her.

I want to scream and yell
til my vocal chords burst

I want to throw a tantrum
flail my arms, smack my head against the corner of a table
ram my fist through a wall

I want to kick something so hard that my knees give out on me, until I crumble.

Anything, something, to get through to you
to shock you into a state of awakeness
to startle you
to make you angry at me

I want to hurt myself so hard so you don't feel any pain.
and help you see that you are not alone.

there is something...

there is something about...

slipping your feet into a pair of rugged, well-worn boots

pulling a gortex jacket on, zipping and velcroing it up, while wafts of forest and woods tease your nostrils

donning a headlamp and stepping out into the darkness,
your eyes adjusting to the brightness of the moon, and the shadows that dance along the peripheral of your vision

crunching your feet through brush and low-lying plants, the scent of green pervasive

watching movement in the bushes, feeling your heart pound with excitement as you wonder whether it's an animal, the wind, an angel, your spirit

feeling your soul settle and calm as you trudge through branches and swamps, around obstacles, seeing things differently in the shadows and the night

letting go of everything, and existing on the moment,
being invisible in the darkness, it doesn't matter what you look like, what you wear, who you are, where you happen to be

getting dirty, playing like a child, feeling free and frisky

play

a reminder that in the midst of it all, there is a time for laughter and, especially, a time for play.

“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.”

Kahlil Gibran

the chasm

stained glass sky
splinters of gold and blue
cut across flashes of smooth stone
ripples on the surface
extending to the universe
like a warm handshake
the energy of light and laughter
reflect in the iris of your eye
as you stare at me
across the blue chasm

-- LML Oct 09, 2005

first

this is my very first song. I'm hoping I can collaborate with jennie and put it to music. i wrote it last night, staring out at the water, with jack sleeping in the car next to me.

"first"

i don't want to be understood,
i want to understand.
i am deaf to the life around me
until i listen to my soul.

the numbness eases when i wake up.
i feel my heart beating when i catch my breath.

there's a fog blurring the raw light and energy,
i see it when i look at myself.
i can't embrace what it means to be free,
until i let go of what was and what may never be.

the numbness eases when i wake up.
i feel my heart beating when i catch my breath.

running towards my life only happens when i stand still.
open yourself up to the possibility.
to the chance to be.
to life.

the numbness eases when i wake up.
i feel my heart beating when i catch my breath.

reminders

sometimes you need a reminder. a reminder to stand still, and breathe. to see life. to be here in the moment.

a reminder to stop and listen. to thank the gods and goddesses and whomever else is around you for the life that you have.

a reminder to embrace the person that you are. and to remember that you have the capacity to be whomever and whatever you want to be.

a reminder to smile. to bask in the glow of life. to fling your arms wide open and see where that takes you. to spread the energy of being awake and being alive. to see what trails appear for you to blaze.

a reminder that you are not alone. that you, alone, are complete and whole. and that by remembering your self and acknowledging you, you see that there is love and life all around you. and that it is yours for the taking.

life. love. happiness. peace. joy. being alive.

The Morning After...

the bad news:

Oh my. I drank a fair amount last night.
I danced, laughed, and flirted shamelessly.

Apparently, when I have had my fill of alcoholic lubricants, I let go. Sober, I've been told that I am affectionate and even a little overkill. Apparently, when I drink, I become even more happy. If that's even possible. It's like I feel compelled to let all the love that I have go. I feel free to express myself. And I do. oh my.

the good news:

I had a *lot* of fun! : )

Irony

I woke up at 2am this morning, and couldn't fall back asleep. I didn't feel disturbed or anxious. I had nothing on my mind. I just couldn't sleep. I used one of my favorite forms of mediation to relax me even further. I forced myself to think of a person and send that person happy, compassionate thoughts.

I suspect I know what you are thinking - is she nuts?

I like it because it fills me with positive, nurturing energy. And that's the kind of place I feel most at home in. It's the environment, much like snuggling close to someone and filling my nose with their scent, hearing their heart beat, and feeling their chest rise and fall, that allows me to fall asleep.

So I fell asleep and had dreams of anger and rage and pain. What is that about?

Sex and Shoes

"It's like wearing sex!"

Taken from the mouth of Mitzi as she gazed hungrily at a pair of Steven Madden pink stilettos.

Yum!

Life and Music

"Are you gonna
Live your life wonderin’

Standing in the back
Lookin’ around?

Are you gonna
Waste your time

Thinkin' how you’ve grown up
Or how you missed out?

Things are never gonna
Be the way you want

Where's it gonna
Get you acting serious?

Things are never gonna
Be quite what you want

Or even at 25
You gotta start sometime

I’m on my feet
I’m on the floor
I’m good to go
Now all I need is just
To hear a song I know..."

A Praise Chorus, Jimmy Eat World

Poem for L'il Lisa

This is a poem I wrote for Little Lisa. But it could be for anyone who's felt out of place, and who's had difficulty understanding the emotional turmoil that comes with feeling a little different, sad, and scared.

Shards of Me

broken glass
splintered and brittle
jagged edges cut
i'm bleeding inside

smooth surface
worn and soft over time
reflections of what people want to see

what do i see?

contrasts

between stones, like beachcombed jewels
that friends make into necklaces
which bring smiles to their faces

and razor sharp slivers
uneven and coarse
that keep me enslaved
and alone

-- LML Sept. 24, 2005

Water Wings

I've been dreaming a lot! in the last 3 weeks and remembering at least one dream each night.

One element that keeps appearing in my dreams is water. I am either swimming in it; it is falling on me in the form of rain; my places of work and/or home are houseboats (or some structure situated on or next to water); or there are puddles or bodies of water that I need to go through to get somewhere (splashing as I go, naturally ; ).

There have been swamps and mud bogs, as well as deep pools. In some cases, the water has been clear and clean; other times it is filled with debris (like branches and logs). The water can appear in a natural setting (like a forest or wilderness), or it can be in a swimming pool-like venue.


I don't know anything about dream analysis, but I wonder what is the significance of all this water. I have a good relationship (in real life) with water, I feel calm and sensual when I swim. I feel cleansed. It's a happy place for me. But I don't have yearnings for the ocean, for living on the water, or being in the water.

Or maybe I do?

Neptune, some help please? : )

Where's Waldo?

Jennie-girl mentioned something to me yesterday, something she observed in me last night, as "the gang" got together for an outing of beer and pool and good laughs.

She wondered if my feelings of not fitting in, of feeling isolated and insecure, and wanting so badly for people to like me, stemmed from a need for me to have some space to reclaim my energy. To recharge. I always felt that I got energy from people, and I think I do. But in times of emotional fatigue, when my neediness and desire for validation rises to the surface, when I am being pulled in many directions, perhaps I do need to reclaim my space? Take some time for me. Slow down and breathe.

I feel astonished that even when things are so good in my life, when I feel that my life is full and rich, when I am aware of how amazing my friends are, and how lucky that I have such open, honest, strong connections, when I feel happy and content, I can still, in a heartbeat, get lost. Become an island floating in a sea.

Ikea Rocks!

I just have to say that Ikea rocks!

I am a complete dope when it comes to handling tools (of the mechanical kind ; ) and building anything. I have been known to put things on backwards, upside down, and inside out. My fingers are clumsy and awkward handling screws and nails and trying to line up things exactly. I tend to be a little too lenient when it comes to perfection. (I think of it as flexing my artistic & creative muscles!) I am generally content with "hm, that looks ok to ME." and, the even better, "No one will notice it if I cover it with a... "

On the best of days, I am challenged when it comes to making decisions. So for me to hit Home Depot and try to figure out the best size screw to use for something, often results in me coming home with 10 little packages of screws in various sizes, shapes, and materials.

And I am an Aries, so my patience threshold is slightly lower than most. ; )

But man I feel downright competent with Ikea DIY items! I've built a little TV stand, a huge massive 5X5 cubby bookshelf**, and tonight, I am building a couple of little benches for extra storage space. YAY for me! : )


** I confess that Dave & Amy helped me with the final touches of the bookshelf. I spent nearly an hour trying desperately to put one side of the bookshelf into the little wood knobs, and just as I'd almost have it line up, the opposite side would pop out. So, I'd go over the newly popped out side, and patiently coax each cubby into their little homes, and bam!, the other side would pop out. I went back and forth, and was about to toss the whole pile of puzzle pieces out my window, when A&D stopped by with a little much needed elbow grease and giggles. : )

girls' weekend away

Jennie and I hit the road tomorrow for a weekend away. We are in for it!!!

I suspect there will be some wine, good chats, flirty fun, shopping (naturally), some dancing, letting loose and getting wild, and lots of singing! ; )

Here's to girls!!, here's to the boys who love 'em, and here's to road trips! : )

Woohooo!

Long Weekends and Summer

What more can a person ask for? Sunshine, time off, and freedom.

Happy Long Weekend Everyone!

To those I know who are traveling abroad or within Canada - safe travels and have fun!
To those staying home and playing - enjoy!

: )

Updated Courage

I feel like I have just closed a big door in my life. That huge, iron-fortified castle door that is rusted and awkwardly fitting. The one that takes great effort to close. The one I need to push my whole being against to budge. The one that opens, ironically, so swiftly and suddenly, the moment I falter.

The door that led to the old me, the old life, the way I was before.

It needs to be closed. It is overdue.
But I don't feel jubilant or free. I feel very old and tired.

Courage

This quotation struck a chord with me. Maybe because it's Monday, and the week ahead seems long. Maybe it's because there is something interesting that's brewing in my mind. Maybe it's about letting go, and starting new, and living life to the fullest. Maybe it's about not knowing what the future holds.

Whatever the reasons, I like this quotation.

You cannot be truthful if you are not courageous.
You cannot be loving if you are not courageous.
You cannot be trusting if you are not courageous.
You cannot enter into reality if you are not courageous.
Hence courage comes first... and everything else follows.”

Osho, 1931-1990

Remembering that we change

Change is scary for most people. It means that what you know is no longer, and that it may be something you need to re-learn. Learning takes effort and openness. It takes a willingness to let go of what you already thought you knew and see if there is more you can understand and more you can take in.

When you feel like you know someone or something, you feel comfortable. It's familiar, it's something you can depend on. To me, that is where expectations begin to appear. It becomes more difficult for change to take place. There is resistance, and a greater difficulty in adapting. And you are held back.

I thought about change when I read this quotation. And I thought about how important it is, as Buddha says, to die each day - so that you can start anew, you can be open to seeing things fresh, to accepting things as they are, and not hold yourself back from being in the moment.

"Our being is continually undergoing and entering upon changesÂ… We must, strictly speaking, at every moment give each other up and let each other go and not hold each other back." - Rainer Maria Rilke

I love the idea of starting each day like you are a newborn, of opening your eyes to what is around you, what is in front of you, what is inside of you. And living fully.

Joy

"Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, ‘Did you bring joy?’ The second was, ‘Did you find joy?’”

Leo Buscaglia, 1924-1998

Summer Showers

I am sitting here listening to the rain fall softly outside. The long weekend has been gorgeous so far; hot and sunny; and I suspect we can all use these few moments of relief.

A little rain to keep us indoors for a few more hours; indulge in coffee and breakfast; cuddle next to sleepy bodies; read the paper; reflect on how good life is.

I saw this on Inspiration Peak this morning. It has such a good message - about generosity and strength of character. And how sometimes it takes just a little spark from someone, or a situation, to make you realize that you have been asleep.. and that it's time to wake up (metaphorically and physically).

Enjoy.

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I've been thinking,"’ he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."

Magdelene Sisters

I watched the "Magdalene Sisters" tonight. What a disturbing film. Set in 1964, in Ireland, it described three girls who get sent to a nunnery because they have sinned, according to the Catholic religion. One girl was raped, one had a baby out of wedlock, and the other was considered a temptress because she enjoyed flirting with boys. Their lives were ruined, they were shunned from respectable society, they were removed from their families and sent to a place without love or affection, a place where they had to work themselves to the bone, in order to redeem themselves in the eyes of god.

I realized while I watched this film, how lucky we all are in this world to be free. To be whom we want to be; to live in culture where there is tolerance and acceptance. I know there are situations which don't fit with this, and I respect that people's individual experiences may be different, but I know, for myself, that I am free. To be myself, in whatever capacity that is. I can choose to be me, to express myself, to make choices and make mistakes, and be responsible for those. Knowing that the only judgment, generally, will come from me. I recognize that I am so extraordinarily blessed to be able to do whatever it is that I want. Life is so good. : )

Finding Zen on a Run

My body is
aching from exertion and effort.

And in that state of stiffness and fatigue
there is a stillness.

My mind is quiet
from worry or anxiety.

I am reminded of what is happening now,
what is there in my body, in my mind.

I am present, here, with my sore muscles
and restricted blood flow.
I feel my breath, labored;
I hear my heart racing.

I am enjoying fully my tired limbs
and the calm that comes with it.


-- July 10/05

No Whites, No Blacks, Just Blues *

Ottawa is hosting a Blues Festival from July 7 to 17th, and I decided to treat myself and get a full pass. I've been Friday and Saturday so far (it started on Thursday). I've listened to the Black-Eyed Peas, Neko Case, Alison Krauss & the Union Station, and some of Daniel Lanois.

It's so much fun to walk out of my apartment, up 6 blocks to Laurier/Elgin, and be immersed in the energy and delight of thousands of people, all playing outside, with the intent to hear music. And the music is so good.

I am enjoying this festival. It's a delight to people watch; to navigate through sunburned faces, and around people carrying chairs, coolers, and drinks. I love watching groups of friends who are out enjoying themselves and the scene; lovers swaying together to the music; parents introducing their children to dancing and singing in the park; girls preening themselves and casually scanning the vicinity for boys; And boys acting cool, cruising by the groups of pretty girls.

And walking home, I can hear the strands of Bluegrass music wafting through the air that almost seems to reach my apartment.

* I saw that quotation on the volunteer shirt for the Blues Fest of 2000.

For Mom

My sisters and I are getting together to celebrate my parent's milestone birthdays this year. My mom is quite an extraordinary cook. For her birthday present, we've put together a recipe book of memories, quotations, pictures, menus, and other memorabilia to help commemorate her passion and her love.

This is my contribution.

---

When I think about Mom over the years, one of the things that stand out is her absolute passion for caring for people. She is a warm, caring, and loving person, and one of the biggest manifestations of that love is through her cooking.

My earliest memories of Mom are being in the kitchen with her, watching her move around the space, owning the space with her presence and her being, and her incredible rhythm and timing.

Cooking is about measurements and precision, but it's also about intuition and beat. Much like how a drummer is what holds the tempo of a song together; a cook holds the meal together with the ability to sense when something needs attention and when something is ready to serve.

As a child, I remember celebrating birthdays by being able to choose our absolutely favorite meal and having that be our birthday dinner. Bacon and eggs! Palacsinta! Spaghetti and meat sauce. Whatever our pleasure was, Mom would take the time to create the perfect meal.

Christmas, Easter, and birthday celebrations were a big event in the Michals' household. These special occasions were celebrated with ornate tables. Color-coordinated children matched with tables and food dishes. Everyone was well-dressed and presentable. Name cards were situated at each table setting. The tables were decorated with linens and centerpieces usually consisting of a seasonal fruit or plant, and colors that match the occasion. Wine glasses were placed at each setting, whether you were young or old. And once the food had been served, the tables looked like they were groaning under the weight of all the scrumptious, savory, delectable meals.

For every meal at night, the Michals' family would sit and dine together. We would help Mom set the table, setting each place as if we were setting a place for a special occasion. Each of us had our designated spots to sit in, at each place was a full set of cutlery and a wine glass (often filled with milk or water), and I remember that we would go around the table, all 6 of us, and describe the day we had. Taking our turns to talk about the exciting things we had done, or the difficult events we had experiences. It was a ritual.

I remember a phase of eating when we were living in California which consisted of grilled chicken breasts and green salads. I suspect that we didn't eat this for very long, but it remains the "meal" that I associate with those years in Tiburon.

In my early married years, I mentioned to Mom that I would love her to send me some ideas for meals. Especially with the intent for me to learn how to put a whole meal together, with the desire that one day, I might host a dinner party. I was looking for recipes, ideas, suggestions, and the like. Not three days later, I received a full meal plan (for an appetizer, main course, and dessert), complete with grocery list, clearly laid out descriptions of when and how to cook each course, and even suggestions of meals I could make with the leftovers.

Mom insisted on cooking with whole foods. Very rarely was anything we ate processed or bought. Foods that Mom cooked were in season, fresh, abundant, and at their most nutritious. And whatever we weren't able to eat, was miraculously and deliciously converted into another meal.

I think the only memory I have of food that I disliked were our school lunches. Every Sunday night, we made sandwiches that would last us for the entire week. Each sandwich was the same, and would be the same for the entire week. Sandwich varieties included peanut butter & jam; cucumber & cream cheese; cream cheese & jam; some kind of deli meat & cheese & mustard. By the end of the week, whatever sandwich we had in our lunches, would end up being slightly soggy, slightly limp, and I seem to remember longing for Monday's sandwich to come around quickly.

When we got older, Mom started a cooking school. As part of her meticulous and thorough nature, she began to record her favorite recipes. The recipes included things that she tried that were new and delicious; old family favorites that had been passed on from grandmother to daughter; Hungarian recipes that were obtained from the Michalcsics' side of the family and perfected; and other items. Mom, in her generosity, created recipe books for each of us girls. To this day, she still sends us new recipes to add to our collection.

I remember asking Mom the other day what are her favorite meals to cook. She mentioned to me the following: her trademark lemon salad dressing; sour-cream coffee cake; buttermilk pancakes; and her spaghetti and meat sauce.

Some of my favorite cooking quotations from Mom are:

"I cooked up a storm today...."

"I was thinking of you today because I cooked the most fabulous _______."

"I'll give you the recipe, it's really easy."

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Thank you for filling our lives with love and care. Each mouthful you gave us, each armful you held us in; each kiss you planted on our cheek; each smile and laugh you shared with us; each meal you sat us down for; is a reminder of your love for us.

May you enjoy another happy, healthy, and wonderful 60+ years.

Love,
Lisa

Logic Flaws

I am learning some of the mental aspects of story telling that bog me down when I write. What prevents me from telling a story (any story) is getting the logic right. I am often paralyzed from continuing a thread or following through with an idea, because I feel that it can't happen. I find myself constantly asking myself "Does it make sense? Is it plausible?"

For example, I can start this story about a shoe. I can envision a man driving home after a long day, who is stuck in traffic, in 35 degree weather, with his A/C broken, wearing long pants and a long-sleeved, button-down work shirt. I can see this man as he impulsively kicks his mocassins off to relieve some of the heat that he's
experiencing. I see him reach out to place the shoes on his seat next to him. As he takes his attention off the road for a split second to move the shoes, the driver of the car in front of him slams on his brakes.

In a panic, he tosses the shoes, so that he can grab the emergency brake, and within inches of rear-ending the sleek, shiny, black Mercedes, he screeches to a halt. One of the shoes he's tossed, bounces off the glove compartment, and ricochets out into the middle of the road.

But really? Would he toss the shoe hard enough for it to bounce like through the window? Would the toss be aimed high - towards the window? Or would it, logically, be aimed at the floor? I suspect that when you rush/drop things, it's usually to the ground, especially since the force of gravity assists you.

It's at this point that I feel unable to continue. The story is lost to me.

Lonely Shoe

I was driving along the 417 the other evening, and I saw a single black mocassin shoe in the middle of the fast lane. I was immensely curious about the story behind the shoe. Where did it come from? Where is the matching shoe? How does a shoe end up on the highway anyway?

I've decided to write a short story about the adventures of the lonely shoe. This is my attempt at trying to be creative and learning how to write.

Stay tuned....

Reflections

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.

-- Buddha

Capturing Feelings

I need to capture this, because I really want to explore it further. And the way my mind seems to work these days is that I don't hold on to pain, sadness, or strong emotions for very long. They come, and they can be strong and intense, and in the moment I am very much a part of them. And I pay attention to them. And I experience them fully.

But they pass so swiftly. And I am often left wondering "why was I so upset? why was I so worked up about..."

Yesterday. I told Jack that I wanted to have my own time last night. It was just a feeling that I had - it was for no reason (not disinterest, not irritation, not boredom) - just that I wanted to be alone.

It took me the better part of the morning, struggling with how to tell him. How to convey that it wasn't a personal attack, how to just let him know it's simply what I wanted. How to be ok with telling him that. I finally blurted it out. "I'd like to be alone, tonight."

Had I paid attention to what he said. "I think that's a great idea." and to his body language (relaxed, comfortable, indulgent, even); I might have been able to let it go. But instead, I crawled into this familiar pattern of worry and guilt. I spent the entire day talking to myself, justifying this need to be alone, to myself. And I felt rotten. Close to tears. Emotional. And so guilty. Guilty that I wanted to be alone. That I wanted to go out and listen to music and be without him. Not because I didn't enjoy his company. Just because it was something that I wanted to do. Be on my own. Be comfortable being on my own.

I wrestled with this the entire day. Amazingly. All day. I felt rotten. Like I had broken some rule, that it was wrong, somehow, to choose myself over someone else. I felt dirty. I felt like I needed to buy him a gift to make it up to him. I felt like I was being selfish.

And, on some level, thankfully, I realized that this is one of my greatest patterns. My greatest fears. To not take the time for me. To not be selfish enough to cultivate my own space. And to enjoy and nurture that space, and that relationship with me.

Because if I don't. If I can't. I certainly won't be much of anything to anyone. I won't be me. I will just morph myself into whomever I am with. And I will be lost.

Later on that evening, we chatted on the phone. And with a burst of tumbled words, and tears, I told him that I had felt this way. And that it had scared me. And that I didn't understand where the guilt came from, and why, and how I could learn to let it go. He said he didn't have the answers to those questions, but he was interested in helping me discover them. And that he appreciated that I had the courage to tell him how I had felt. He said that it suprised him how utterly different our perspectives were from the day - how he had felt peace and freedom with my request; happy that I had felt comfortable enough to ask him for space; and happy with that space.

The Kid in all of Us

Driving home the other day, I watched a 60-ish year old woman walking along the street. She was wearing a long dress, sensible shoes, and to me, she seemed to be carrying the weight of the world in the way she walked. In one hand, she carried a small bag of groceries, and a big bundle of dry cleaning was slung over her shoulder.

Across the street from her, a boy was playing with a ball. He accidentally kicked it onto the street, and with a forlorn expression, watched it roll away from him as he obediently stayed on the sidewalk.

As I drove past them, I peeked in the rear view mirror to make sure the boy wasn't going to run into the street. The woman ran into the middle of the road, and with some fancy footwork, kicked the runaway ball to the little boy.

I laughed with delight to watch this woman have a moment of pure fun. I could see her grin. There is a child in each of us, who loves to come out and play.

Awakening the Buddha Within

Hana gave me this book, Awakening the Buddha Within, as a gift.
So like Hana to just come by my desk and give me something that ends up being something that speaks to me so deeply.

It's written by a Westerner who's spent years practicing, studying, and living Buddhism.

I am only a few pages into this book, but I am experiencing such a connection to these words when I read about Buddhism; when I read about the practice of being aware, of being compassionate, of letting go of attachments and ego, of living in the now.

It's almost as if I've already had this knowledge inside me, that I somehow know and recognize what it means to practice Buddhism. It comes from deep within me, and when I read through these pages, slowly, so that I can digest each word and let it absorb into my spiritual/emotional bloodstream, I feel such tremendous peace and calm.

There is such a positive energy that emanates from the pages of the book; dare I say a happiness. I don't feel discomfort or negativity. I don't feel obligation or demands. I just feel light and free and happy.

The words I've read also make me feel like it's "possible." Like a person can actually live this way, because it feels as if it's something that is at the core of all of us, this compassion and love, and that it just needs to be nourished and watered and free to come out; free to grow.

Here's a small excerpt from the beginning of one section, called "Daily Necessities"

Tips and Pointers for Building a Spiritual Life from Scratch
Pray
Meditate
Be aware / Stay awake
Bow
Practice yoga
Feel
Chant and sing
Breathe and smile
Relax / Enjoy / Laugh / Play
Create / Envision
Let go / Forgive / Accept
Walk / Exercise / Move
Work / Serve / Contribute
Listen / Learn / Inquire
Consider / Reflect
Cultivate oneself / Enhance competencies
Cultivate contentment
Cultivate flexibility
Cultivate friendship
Open up / Expand / Include
Lighten Up
Dream
Celebrate and appreciate
Give thanks
Evolve
Love
Share / Give / Receive
Walk softly / Live gently
Expand / Radiate / Dissolve
Simplify
Surrender / Trust
Be born anew

Freedom

What is it about the simple of act of a road trip that makes me feel like I am free?

The open road, loud music, wind in my face and hair, sunglasses on..
...all of these contribute to a feeling of letting go

a literal sense of driving away and shedding the past;
remembering what is important in my life and what really matters;
feeding my wild child soul with the element of the unknown;
a sense of peace and contentment, as I allow myself to be present, and not worry about what will happen next ...

I consider myself blessed to be able to hit the open road (figuratively and literally) whenever I want to.

Keep the rubber side down. ; )

Night Driving and Life

Here's a metaphor for life....

When we drive at night we can only see twenty feet in front of us, yet we make it home anyway.

Why not approach life the same way? Don't jump to conclusions about your final destination, just make the most of the twenty feet in front of you.

And see where it takes you... : )

I love sunshine : )

Contentment

sensual heat pours down my face
fingers of sunshine caress my skin
stroking me with radiating warmth
rhythmic and gentle on the surface of my body
until i feel feverish
and i abandon myself to letting go
drinking in the feverish touch
the light shimmers in the wavering intensity of the concrete
and reflects the calm in me

--LML May 28, 05

Awareness

In the silence,
when I can be still,
there is a calm
and a peace
that resonates
and fills me with
a sense of me.

An understanding
of what I am
and all that I need.

And the moment
my mind realizes
I am experiencing
this freedom...
...it is gone.

LML Feb 19, 2005

Soul Mates

I stumbled across this while I read a blog called Choice In the Matter.

"I believe in soul mates.
I believe we have more than one.
I believe they don’t necessarily have to be people you are romantically involved with."

It really resonated with me. Why? Because I feel like I have quite a few soul mates; people whom I connect deeply with, people whom I feel as if I've known for a hundred years, and many of these people I've never been romantically involved with.

I also believe that you generally cannot get everything from just one person, except yourself. I feel strongly that people intersect your life for a reason; to give you specific gifts (things you need to learn about yourself), and it's up to you to accept those gifts, experience them, and enjoy those people to the fullest.

Books and More Books....

My Mom visited me this weekend. We had a good visit together - lots of walking and eating, shopping for a couch and coffee table for me (woohoo!), many good laughs, some pretty heavy conversations about life and love, and many hours of wonderful discussions about good books and movies that each of us have seen.

As we walked home Saturday evening from Sweetgrass (an Aboriginal bistro), in the Market, we stopped at Chapters. I completely gorged myself and bought 5 books...

Leonard Cohen's "The Favorite Game" --> My Mom's favorite book by Leonard, which she read when she was 16.

Bryce Courtenay's "The Power of One"
Bryce Courtenay's "Tommo & Hawk" -- > I heard about Bryce Courtenay in New Zealand.

J.M. Coetzee's "Disgrace" --> A powerful book about South Africa, centered around one man's personal disgrace.

Douglas Coupland's "Nostradamus" --> Something about the book just called to me. I have no idea what it's about.

And, on top of this all, Sue loaned me Khaled Hosseini's "The Kite Runner".

WOW!
Happy Reading! : )

Where are my memories?

I spent a good chunk of the weekend going through old photos trying to spark some creative juices and some memories. Both Mom and Dad are having significant milestone birthdays this year (60 and 70 respectively), and the girls are putting our creative caps on to capture our favorite parts of their time spent with us so far in our lives.

But I am having some difficulties. A lot of my memories about tastes, smells, people, circumstances, words exchanged, feelings, are not accessible. I feel generally free of the past, not encumbered by yearnings, regret or remorse, guilt, or worry.

And, trust me, I am happy with this place.

However, I wonder if by living in the present, in the now, and by letting go of all the things that remind a person of the past and potentially keep them there, I am also letting go of those strong, and powerful memories. Of being a child, of time spent with my family, of taking vacations and experiencing new things, of being with Mike, of friends I've made, of journeys I taken. Even New Zealand feels like a lifetime ago...

Am I losing something in this process? Or have I just been given the opportunity to start anew, start fresh, take each day as it comes - and fill it to the fullest??

the power of now

"There is nothing worth more than this day!"
- Goethe

"Back" to Basics

It's been almost a week that I've been dealing with a painful lower back. It's not excruciating, it's just very seized... and I don't know why. I haven't done anything unusual or out of the ordinary. I felt great leading up to it - my energy level was awesome - I was doing yoga, weights, and running. And felt very strong.

I am feeling pretty frustrated by all of this. Frustrated that I am achy after going for a walk. That my usual coping mechanism (exercise) is not available to me. Frustrated that my general feeling of wellness is not present and that I am battling with weakness and achiness. Blech!

This has been good for me on a couple of levels. (Here goes my attempt at finding the silver lining.) This whole thing illustrates how much I take my body (and it's strength and fitness) for granted. It's showing me that I need to take better care of myself, and be gentle. That's hard one for me. I just want to go, go, go... "why walk when you can run" kind of philosophy. : )

I also realize that I am quite impatient. *sigh* I want to be better now.

I figure I can just will myself to feel better. D'ya think it will work?

Fall Color Quilt

I am not having thoughts of autumn, but I did stumble across a poem that I wrote a few years back...

A tree sneezes and

leaves spill like paint.

Pools of color and light.

Orange Fire

Yellow Flame

Red Ember

A tapestry of brilliance.

In the Still of the Night

I have discovered something new about me. I am at my most productive in the wee hours of the morning. The world is still asleep, and I feel like it's at this time that I am capable of accomplishing a fair amount.

I woke up this morning at 3:30. (Suffering from a little stomach distress...)
What did I get done? Tons of little things! Wow.

* painted my toe nails pink
* read a quarter of American Gods
* fixed my tax return and submitted my changes online
* had breakfast
* did dishes (and put them away)
* organized and sorted my closet and drawers
* figured out which pictures from New Zealand, I want to frame
* sent about a dozen emails
* blogged
* wrote a few things in my journal
* watched an episode of Star Trek Voyager

*YAWN* I think I need a nap ; )

Fortune Telling and Tea

Last night, for a belated birthday present, Hana took me to get my tea leaves read. It's the first time that I've had my fortune told using that kind of medium. Gerald, a man in his late 60s or so, invited me into his house. He gave me a cup of sweet, orange pekoe tea, and asked me to turn the cup upside down and to place my palm on top of the inverted cup, and grasp it with all my fingers, so he could feel my vibrations. Then he picked up the tea cup and with one finger spiraling in little circles on the bottom of the cup, he rotated the tea cup around and around and started reading.

There were some things that Gerald said that made me laugh out loud because they were just so wrong; some things he said I considered (because they are things that I have thought about myself at some points in my life); and then there were things that I'll categorize in the "Maybe" list - because... you never know. : )

Laughables:
Apparently, I need to exercise more. I don't do enough, and should really make it a regular part of my life.

I work in some kind of field where I wear a white lab coat - medicine, nursing, science, secretary.

I should start a career as an interior designer. Because I am good with color coordination.

Considerations:
I should go get my masters, in something related to math/accounting, because I will be good at it, and it will help with my career path.

I should take up acting as a hobby - join the Ottawa Little Theater on weekends.

I am going through a major disappointment in my life right now, and I need to let go of the anger, and work through it. It's not a loss, because it was my choice, and it was a good decision for me, but it carries a lot of emotion. And I have to learn to let that go.

I'll be moving to another city in a few years, as part of a new step in my career, and then I'll return back to Ottawa with that same company. (I should be reading the career section of the Saturday Toronto Star this weekend.)

Who knows?
I will break my collarbone in 2 years in a skiing accident. (I should never go skiing alone.)

In the next couple of years, someone will want to start a business with me. I should jump at the opportunity because I will be very successful at it. (I need to take risks where my career is concerned - because I generally like to play it safe, and stick with the known.)

I'll meet a dark haired man, and Architect/Designer, with a baby girl next year. Apparently, I'll fall in love with his baby girl first.

And I will live, with very good health, until the ripe old age of 98. WOW!

When I am scared

It's been awhile since I have journalled, and I thought I'd try out this blog medium.

I am a little stunned by this force of emotion. Mostly, (I suspect partly it's because of hormones), centered around the fact that I am meeting up with Mike tonight. And I don't want to. But I am too much of a coward to tell him; to be honest that it's hard for me to relate to him; that the thick emotional cloud that seems to be between us sometimes makes it hard to breathe; that he seems to be looking for a way to connect with me - and worrying about my wellbeing is that vehicle - and that it's just stifling me. It makes me want to flee.

It's so cowardly of me - especially as I want so much to be honest with those around me - and all I am feeling right now is such sadness, guilt, and a pervasive criticism of myself. I feel fat, that terrible sensation of being large and so very out of place; of being dumb, and ugly. Where do these feeling comes from? Why? How does this pattern, this cycle, get triggered?

Is it my form of control over a situation that I am afraid of? That, by beating up on myself, somehow it becomes easier or less frightening to deal with? That, if I set the bar low enough, no matter what happens, I will come out ahead?

I do have a choice in all of this. I have a choice to accept this invitation, or not. I have a choice to feel like shit or not. I have a choice to remember all that is so good in my life. Accept that I feel fragile, and scared, and yes, weak, and just move past this.

I recognize that a lot of this emotion, especially the inability to be honest, comes from the fact that there are so many things that I am experiencing and exploring that I chose not to tell him about. The chasm is there, and it's exhausting to try and communicate with such a great distance between us.

And yet, I ask myself, why do I care so much about him that I go through all of this just to meet him for a drink? I don't know. Maybe it just seems too cruel to tell him that I don't want to see him, especially when I know he is struggling emotionally. Maybe I keep seeing glimmers of potential in him that make me feel that it's possible for him to "get" this; I just don't know.

Maybe it's just punishment that I inflict on myself because I feel like I deserve it. Because I hurt him.

My Apartment in Spring

A friend asked me today how I have been enjoying my apartment, and how I've experienced the changing of the seasons in it.

I'd forgotten how long I've been in my apartment (almost 5 months). I am enjoying watching the seasons change, feeling the sun streaming into my kitchen and onto my little porch in the mornings, watching how it moves through the rooms during the day, until it gently fades from my bedroom.

Those nights where I watch the sunset from my bed are usually the ones that I get to luxuriate in: hopping into bed early with a good book and a glass of wine! : )

I'm finally sleeping with my windows open, which is one of the things I enjoy doing, and I get to fall asleep to the sounds of a busy, active street below me.

Mountain Paths

I liked this quotation - I found it on Inspiration Peak.

It seems to capture the dilemma that many of us face in life, that there are so many choices. How can we ever know what is the best choice to make?

What I understand from this statement is that we should just live life to the fullest, take the path we want to take, and see where it takes us. And if it doesn't work out, there is always another path that we can try, and that we can learn from.


There are hundreds of paths up the mountain,
all leading in the same direction,
so it doesn’t matter which path you take.
The only one wasting time is the one
who runs around and around the mountain,
telling everyone else that their path is wrong.”

Thought for the Day

You... whose day this is, make it BEAUTIFUL.
Get out your rainbow colors, that it may be beautiful.

Nekoosa Indian Poem

Triggers

I have been rummaging through mountains of photos, cards, letters, notes that I passed in high school, poems, souvenirs, and other mementos from my 33 years on this earth.

One of the things that has resulted in this archaeologist's dig, is that I have been thinking about and dreaming about people and situations and memories that I haven't experienced in a long time.

My many worlds: family, friends, grade school, high school, university, post-graduation, triathlon, cycling, Revenue Canada, and Cognos worlds have morphed. In my dreams, there are people who have never met each other, who are sharing the same space.

It's both confusing and comforting to have these worlds collide.

Traveling Lightly

I'd like to travel lightly from now on, and just keep the memories of good times and good feelings about myself and the other people in my life who matter, as just that. Memories.

traveling lightly....

...spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Spring is Here!

The weather is hot; the tulips are poking their heads through the grass; the sun is shining; Dave Matthews is crooning; the air smells sweet.... life is good. : )

sleepy...

I must be jet lagged still. I went to bikram yoga with Hana, and I kept falling asleep. Even during the standing up postures! Good thing I didn't fall down. ; )

Continuing from where I left off...

After my trip to New Zealand, I realized how much fun it was to keep a blog.
I think perhaps I will continue this trend... but I don't know if I'll reveal it to anyone yet.

But only time will tell. ; )