Reflections

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.

-- Buddha

Capturing Feelings

I need to capture this, because I really want to explore it further. And the way my mind seems to work these days is that I don't hold on to pain, sadness, or strong emotions for very long. They come, and they can be strong and intense, and in the moment I am very much a part of them. And I pay attention to them. And I experience them fully.

But they pass so swiftly. And I am often left wondering "why was I so upset? why was I so worked up about..."

Yesterday. I told Jack that I wanted to have my own time last night. It was just a feeling that I had - it was for no reason (not disinterest, not irritation, not boredom) - just that I wanted to be alone.

It took me the better part of the morning, struggling with how to tell him. How to convey that it wasn't a personal attack, how to just let him know it's simply what I wanted. How to be ok with telling him that. I finally blurted it out. "I'd like to be alone, tonight."

Had I paid attention to what he said. "I think that's a great idea." and to his body language (relaxed, comfortable, indulgent, even); I might have been able to let it go. But instead, I crawled into this familiar pattern of worry and guilt. I spent the entire day talking to myself, justifying this need to be alone, to myself. And I felt rotten. Close to tears. Emotional. And so guilty. Guilty that I wanted to be alone. That I wanted to go out and listen to music and be without him. Not because I didn't enjoy his company. Just because it was something that I wanted to do. Be on my own. Be comfortable being on my own.

I wrestled with this the entire day. Amazingly. All day. I felt rotten. Like I had broken some rule, that it was wrong, somehow, to choose myself over someone else. I felt dirty. I felt like I needed to buy him a gift to make it up to him. I felt like I was being selfish.

And, on some level, thankfully, I realized that this is one of my greatest patterns. My greatest fears. To not take the time for me. To not be selfish enough to cultivate my own space. And to enjoy and nurture that space, and that relationship with me.

Because if I don't. If I can't. I certainly won't be much of anything to anyone. I won't be me. I will just morph myself into whomever I am with. And I will be lost.

Later on that evening, we chatted on the phone. And with a burst of tumbled words, and tears, I told him that I had felt this way. And that it had scared me. And that I didn't understand where the guilt came from, and why, and how I could learn to let it go. He said he didn't have the answers to those questions, but he was interested in helping me discover them. And that he appreciated that I had the courage to tell him how I had felt. He said that it suprised him how utterly different our perspectives were from the day - how he had felt peace and freedom with my request; happy that I had felt comfortable enough to ask him for space; and happy with that space.

The Kid in all of Us

Driving home the other day, I watched a 60-ish year old woman walking along the street. She was wearing a long dress, sensible shoes, and to me, she seemed to be carrying the weight of the world in the way she walked. In one hand, she carried a small bag of groceries, and a big bundle of dry cleaning was slung over her shoulder.

Across the street from her, a boy was playing with a ball. He accidentally kicked it onto the street, and with a forlorn expression, watched it roll away from him as he obediently stayed on the sidewalk.

As I drove past them, I peeked in the rear view mirror to make sure the boy wasn't going to run into the street. The woman ran into the middle of the road, and with some fancy footwork, kicked the runaway ball to the little boy.

I laughed with delight to watch this woman have a moment of pure fun. I could see her grin. There is a child in each of us, who loves to come out and play.

Awakening the Buddha Within

Hana gave me this book, Awakening the Buddha Within, as a gift.
So like Hana to just come by my desk and give me something that ends up being something that speaks to me so deeply.

It's written by a Westerner who's spent years practicing, studying, and living Buddhism.

I am only a few pages into this book, but I am experiencing such a connection to these words when I read about Buddhism; when I read about the practice of being aware, of being compassionate, of letting go of attachments and ego, of living in the now.

It's almost as if I've already had this knowledge inside me, that I somehow know and recognize what it means to practice Buddhism. It comes from deep within me, and when I read through these pages, slowly, so that I can digest each word and let it absorb into my spiritual/emotional bloodstream, I feel such tremendous peace and calm.

There is such a positive energy that emanates from the pages of the book; dare I say a happiness. I don't feel discomfort or negativity. I don't feel obligation or demands. I just feel light and free and happy.

The words I've read also make me feel like it's "possible." Like a person can actually live this way, because it feels as if it's something that is at the core of all of us, this compassion and love, and that it just needs to be nourished and watered and free to come out; free to grow.

Here's a small excerpt from the beginning of one section, called "Daily Necessities"

Tips and Pointers for Building a Spiritual Life from Scratch
Pray
Meditate
Be aware / Stay awake
Bow
Practice yoga
Feel
Chant and sing
Breathe and smile
Relax / Enjoy / Laugh / Play
Create / Envision
Let go / Forgive / Accept
Walk / Exercise / Move
Work / Serve / Contribute
Listen / Learn / Inquire
Consider / Reflect
Cultivate oneself / Enhance competencies
Cultivate contentment
Cultivate flexibility
Cultivate friendship
Open up / Expand / Include
Lighten Up
Dream
Celebrate and appreciate
Give thanks
Evolve
Love
Share / Give / Receive
Walk softly / Live gently
Expand / Radiate / Dissolve
Simplify
Surrender / Trust
Be born anew

Freedom

What is it about the simple of act of a road trip that makes me feel like I am free?

The open road, loud music, wind in my face and hair, sunglasses on..
...all of these contribute to a feeling of letting go

a literal sense of driving away and shedding the past;
remembering what is important in my life and what really matters;
feeding my wild child soul with the element of the unknown;
a sense of peace and contentment, as I allow myself to be present, and not worry about what will happen next ...

I consider myself blessed to be able to hit the open road (figuratively and literally) whenever I want to.

Keep the rubber side down. ; )

Night Driving and Life

Here's a metaphor for life....

When we drive at night we can only see twenty feet in front of us, yet we make it home anyway.

Why not approach life the same way? Don't jump to conclusions about your final destination, just make the most of the twenty feet in front of you.

And see where it takes you... : )