Speed Demon

Me screaming down Russell Road at 170 km/h in a hot red convertible BMW Z4 3.0i.

ohmygod!

The most fun you can have with your pants on. : )

Belief

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. It is fearlessness, and it is love.

-- Buddha

Un-Familiar

Just when you start to feel like things are familiar, and well-worn, and known, I find that life sends you a message, and turns your world upside down. If you are open to it, doors that you thought were never possible, suddenly open to you. Opportunities appear. Things you couldn't fathom, exist.

I am learning to play a musical instrument.
I. am. learning. to. play. an. instrument.

I have no clue where this will take me. Whether I will like it, leave it, or love it. Whether this will become a mainstay of my life, or whether in a few years, I'll buckle the clasps on the case, and pass her along to another interested person.

But for now. I am listening to notes. Hearing music in my head. Seeing my fingers take shape to make a chord. Transitioning from one chord to another to make a song. A song. Me! Wow.

I think Robert Frost described this so well.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

-- Robert Frost

Dharma

I got a guitar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's a Yamaha, FS 720S acoustic guitar. In a lovely shade of turquoise.

OHMYGOD!

I named her Dharma. : )

My new favorite word

meh

(usually accompanied with a slight tilt of the head, and an indifferent and oh, so very cool movement of the shoulder)

It's so not me. But I simply love it.
How many other three letter words can conjure up so much meaning?
A few examples are

"whatever"

"as if"

"shrug"

"maybe"

"you never know?"

"kiss my ass!"

"yeah yeah"

"I don't care."

Creative Sites

I stumbled across this Web site awhile ago, but I really like it.

Learning to love you more

Every week or so they post a new assignment. If you are looking for ways to spark your creativity, try something new, or just have fun. You should try it. : )

Warning, Darkness Ahead...

This is a pretty heavy, graphic blog. I needed to put it out there for me. If you don't feel up to reading it, then I suggest you hold off. Just for a little bit. Happy Lala will be back soon.

I wrote this for someone who was in pain last night. I feel so helpless, I don't know how to reach her. How to connect with her. How to be a friend to her. I watched her bleed last night - dripping blood all over her clothes and the floor. I bathed her arms and legs as gently as I could, as if somehow I could soothe her soul. As if somehow I could reach her.

I want to scream and yell
til my vocal chords burst

I want to throw a tantrum
flail my arms, smack my head against the corner of a table
ram my fist through a wall

I want to kick something so hard that my knees give out on me, until I crumble.

Anything, something, to get through to you
to shock you into a state of awakeness
to startle you
to make you angry at me

I want to hurt myself so hard so you don't feel any pain.
and help you see that you are not alone.

there is something...

there is something about...

slipping your feet into a pair of rugged, well-worn boots

pulling a gortex jacket on, zipping and velcroing it up, while wafts of forest and woods tease your nostrils

donning a headlamp and stepping out into the darkness,
your eyes adjusting to the brightness of the moon, and the shadows that dance along the peripheral of your vision

crunching your feet through brush and low-lying plants, the scent of green pervasive

watching movement in the bushes, feeling your heart pound with excitement as you wonder whether it's an animal, the wind, an angel, your spirit

feeling your soul settle and calm as you trudge through branches and swamps, around obstacles, seeing things differently in the shadows and the night

letting go of everything, and existing on the moment,
being invisible in the darkness, it doesn't matter what you look like, what you wear, who you are, where you happen to be

getting dirty, playing like a child, feeling free and frisky

play

a reminder that in the midst of it all, there is a time for laughter and, especially, a time for play.

“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.”

Kahlil Gibran

the chasm

stained glass sky
splinters of gold and blue
cut across flashes of smooth stone
ripples on the surface
extending to the universe
like a warm handshake
the energy of light and laughter
reflect in the iris of your eye
as you stare at me
across the blue chasm

-- LML Oct 09, 2005

first

this is my very first song. I'm hoping I can collaborate with jennie and put it to music. i wrote it last night, staring out at the water, with jack sleeping in the car next to me.

"first"

i don't want to be understood,
i want to understand.
i am deaf to the life around me
until i listen to my soul.

the numbness eases when i wake up.
i feel my heart beating when i catch my breath.

there's a fog blurring the raw light and energy,
i see it when i look at myself.
i can't embrace what it means to be free,
until i let go of what was and what may never be.

the numbness eases when i wake up.
i feel my heart beating when i catch my breath.

running towards my life only happens when i stand still.
open yourself up to the possibility.
to the chance to be.
to life.

the numbness eases when i wake up.
i feel my heart beating when i catch my breath.

reminders

sometimes you need a reminder. a reminder to stand still, and breathe. to see life. to be here in the moment.

a reminder to stop and listen. to thank the gods and goddesses and whomever else is around you for the life that you have.

a reminder to embrace the person that you are. and to remember that you have the capacity to be whomever and whatever you want to be.

a reminder to smile. to bask in the glow of life. to fling your arms wide open and see where that takes you. to spread the energy of being awake and being alive. to see what trails appear for you to blaze.

a reminder that you are not alone. that you, alone, are complete and whole. and that by remembering your self and acknowledging you, you see that there is love and life all around you. and that it is yours for the taking.

life. love. happiness. peace. joy. being alive.

The Morning After...

the bad news:

Oh my. I drank a fair amount last night.
I danced, laughed, and flirted shamelessly.

Apparently, when I have had my fill of alcoholic lubricants, I let go. Sober, I've been told that I am affectionate and even a little overkill. Apparently, when I drink, I become even more happy. If that's even possible. It's like I feel compelled to let all the love that I have go. I feel free to express myself. And I do. oh my.

the good news:

I had a *lot* of fun! : )

Irony

I woke up at 2am this morning, and couldn't fall back asleep. I didn't feel disturbed or anxious. I had nothing on my mind. I just couldn't sleep. I used one of my favorite forms of mediation to relax me even further. I forced myself to think of a person and send that person happy, compassionate thoughts.

I suspect I know what you are thinking - is she nuts?

I like it because it fills me with positive, nurturing energy. And that's the kind of place I feel most at home in. It's the environment, much like snuggling close to someone and filling my nose with their scent, hearing their heart beat, and feeling their chest rise and fall, that allows me to fall asleep.

So I fell asleep and had dreams of anger and rage and pain. What is that about?