New Beginnings Are Happening Right Now

"Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my life up to this moment, to come to this day. This moment - this day - is as good as any moment in all eternity. I shall make of this day - each moment of this day - a heaven on earth. This is my day of opportunity.”

- Dan Custer

I just got a call from Captain Ken, hailing all the way from New Zealand. I think he must be the loneliest man I know. He has no family, is estranged from his daughters, his wife passed away a few years ago. He met a woman, and briefly spent some time with her earlier this year, but that didn't work out. He said he spent Christmas alone. My heart just ached for him.

We chatted for about 15 minutes. He talked a little about what he was doing today (it was 3pm on Fri, Dec 31). He talked about some of his hobbies. One thing he mentioned is that he didn't cook. And when I told him that I didn't either, he said, "OH. Well, then, I guess I can't marry you. I was hoping that you cooked. But it won't work out if you don't cook." I had a good chuckle at that. And yet, it was twinged with a bittersweet sadness, as if it were even remotely possible that I had that kind of power to fill someone's life with happiness.

I hope he can find some friendship in 2006 - that whatever mistakes he's made, whatever doors he's closed, that whatever has happened in the past can be left in the past, and that he can find the courage and the strength to take a new, bold step forward... and open himself to new connections and new possibilities. Life is too bloody short, and to feel like your only friend is some girl you met for a fleeting instant on a bench at a train station thousands of miles away seems wrong somehow.

My thoughts are with you Ken. Be well.
Lisa

Homecoming...

I don't think I have a home. I don't think there is one single edifice or structure that is the magnet that draws me back. My home exists wherever and however I feel whole. In the moments when I feel at peace with myself. When I catch a glimpse of me in a situation, in a group of people, or when I am alone, and I don't experience denial, dissatisfaction, or a deep desire to be different, better, stronger, more attractive, smarter. That moment when I feel content is when I know that I am at home.

I find those moments are rare, precious, and so incredibly beautiful. Seeing the warmth of a smile extend into someone's eyes upon my arrival. Hearing pure, uncensored laughter. Taking a risk by revealing my rawest parts of me. Connecting with someone whom I care about, and feeling my heart ache as it fills with love and a bottomless supply of happiness at being with them. Feeling accepted and genuinely liked. Smiling. Giving hugs that are extensions of me, and having them enjoyed and received. Pausing to look around and experience whatever is happening in the moment. Sunshine. Drifting off to sleep at night, and in the moments before I dream, feeling my body relax and calm.

Letting go of worrying about how people will perceive me, how I see me, doing what is expected of me... and just being me.

That's my home.

Unraveling the ball of knotted threads...

I tossed and turned last night, not finding the sleep that I was craving. So I decided I would try and meditate. I guess I had so much clutter in my mind.

As I concentrated on my breathing, visualizing each breath coming into my body, and going out. Things, I'll call them threads, kept coming to the forefront of my thoughts. Snippets of conversations that I'd had over the last few days; memories of silly or stupid things I've done; lists of things that I must remember to do over the next day, weeks, and months; financial anxieties; thoughts of friends and family members; desires to get back into shape; and the reliving of happy, contented moments.

As each thread come into my mind, I let it go. Some things were harder to let go, and I'd find myself drifting off following that stream of consciousness, but I'd bring myself back. It's almost as if I would take a good look at it, and mentally say to myself "OK, that's ok that I am thinking of this", accept it, and let it go into that fuzzy ether of my me.

It felt as if this big ball of knotted string, the clutter, began to unravel. And the less knotted it was, the more I felt calm. My mind settled, and I felt more relaxed. It was fascinating to observe the whole process. I was very much involved, and it was happening to me, but at the same time I was observing what I was doing and seeing me calm down and find peace.

And I actually did fall asleep for a good long while.

Big Move...

Jennie and I got the news today.. the house we like is ours for the taking! Yeeehaw! : )

And so begins a big move for me. First time I've lived with someone, other than an intimate partner, for a period of time longer than 6 months. (For some reason, I consider my time with Sue to be a time when I needed to heal. When I needed a friend and a place to call home, which wasn't entirely my place, yet which was a space that I considered welcoming and warm.) This decision feels different. We are both going into this with eyes wide open, and with a great sense of "What the heck!?! This is going to be fun!"

And I think it will be.

The happy list includes:

* living with a beautiful friend, with whom I feel comfortable being honest and open
* a new gorgeous house
* not too far from work
* lots of sunlight, and open space
* places for me to be me
* places for both of us to connect, if we choose to
* a big tub for Jennie to soak in, and for her to teach me about the joys of lots of suds, a glass of wine, some candles, and a good book. (YEAH right, me in a tub! ; )
* a not-so-cheap-but-considering-the-rent-pretty-fucking-reasonable cab fare to downtown. ; )
* party central
* close to the grocery store
* 9 clicks from work (I can bike OR run)
* did I mention that I'll be saving $$$$$
* Jennie's a good cook (I'm going to get fat, I know it! ; )
* a deck for sunbathing!

and many more things that I'll get to discover and experience over the next little while. : )

Hold me closer, tiny dancer...

I watched Almost Famous tonight - complete with groupies and bandaids and rock stars and music. Friendship, the discovery of who you are, and a coming of age of sorts.

It wouldn't take me much to be a part of community like that. I see myself being a part of something, something that expresses love and laughter and friendship. I am not sure where it would take me, but I think it's a huge part of me. I think it's a good thing for me to know and to experience.

I don't think I'm meant to be alone.

And yet, that's a scary thought. Do I need this in order to be happy? Or could I thrive on my own, confident in the fact that there may be people in the universe who enjoy my company. And would it just be gravy to experience good friendship, laughter, and even love along the way?

It's an interesting thought.

The Sincerity of Now

Here's a little excerpt from a recent conversation with a good friend of mine. We were talking about eyes being the window to the soul, and how being in the moment and being present allows you to experience so much about life that we tend to miss.

That your senses go into overdrive in the way that you look at the world, the colors, the textures, the smells and sights, the tastes. Everything is heightened. That being able to let go allows you to experience the intensity with which you can touch someone. And gives you awareness about people and situations - awareness that allows you to really see someone as they are.

And the conversation took a turn to a big realization for me. That I so enjoy being in the moment, that it feels natural. It feels so right to me to let go, and that during moments when I feel like I am unable to move, I experience fear and discomfort and anxiety. It's a wonderful realization that I actually like being in this place, that it is a part of me. And I think it feeds on itself.

---
You see, I'm not interested in promises about 'forever' which nobody in this world has a right to make. What I appreciate is the sincerity of now.

Me: That's a beautiful statement. The sincerity of now.
That's all there is. And with me, I enjoy being sincere, and being honest. and being NOW.

Yes, you do. You're very good at it. You have a lovely focus and I suspect that is what feeds that smile.

Me: it's been a long time coming. But it feels so natural.
It astonishes me, really. And I love it!

That is beautiful ... beyond everything I've ever heard you say.

TGIGF

Happy Friday!

I have nothing to post. So à la Seinfeld, I am going to post about nothing.

I thought about writing something inspiring and motivational, but I was too tired.

I wanted to write about a fun, silly event, but I am enough of a goofy person in real life that I didn't want to be redundant.

I could write about sex... but where would I start? ; )

I'd love to describe an adventure, something harrowing and gripping, but I've been having too much fun lately!

I could tell you about the song I am trying to learn to play on guitar, but I haven't been practicing it.

So, it's Friday! I woke up with a smile and I have nothing to say.
It's going to be a good day. : )