I am sitting on my couch, getting some serious love from my roomie's cat. She's kneading away at my chest, her paws are strongly suggesting that I need to make room in my heart for her attention, she's burrowing herself into the crook of my arm, and she's purring so loudly, I wonder if it's an old diesel enginge idling outside. I am totally wigged out on her bliss.
And it's making me think of families and love. This beautiful pummeling of my soul aside, I have noticed some strong feelings in myself to want a family. Even if it's something that is transient and fluid. Even if it's something that is easily lost or left behind. Or something that changes the way a river and stream changes with the seasons, the wind, the sunshine, the animals that quench themselves with it's depth and taste. I feel I am comfortable with change and movement. And I would still enjoy the feeling of being able to share my love, my energy, ME, with people that I feel close to. People whom also feel comfortable and interested in spending time with me.
To me that feels like family; like home.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
It's WORLD AIDS DAY
It's snowing and sleeting here in Ottawa. I am at home, safe under my roof, warm in my pajamas. I have food in my belly, music drifting through my speakers, and I am feeling incredibly lucky.
A perfect day, I think, to spend some time thinking about how other people are living in the world.
Time to think about AIDS.
Today is World AIDS day.
Around forty million people are living with HIV throughout the world - and that number increases in every region every day. What spreads AIDS? Ignorance and prejudice.
If I can think about this disease, and do one small thing towards stopping it - by making a donation, talking about it, making people more aware, giving just a little - perhaps we can take a step towards finding a cure.
A perfect day, I think, to spend some time thinking about how other people are living in the world.
Time to think about AIDS.
Today is World AIDS day.
Around forty million people are living with HIV throughout the world - and that number increases in every region every day. What spreads AIDS? Ignorance and prejudice.
If I can think about this disease, and do one small thing towards stopping it - by making a donation, talking about it, making people more aware, giving just a little - perhaps we can take a step towards finding a cure.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
bamboo
I am weathering this storm
but I want my skin to stay supple
open to the elements around me
that may beat against my soul
and hammer the foundations of my body.
I am bending in the wind
offering no resistance
to a changes in course
or the dizzying disorientation
of being off the path.
I am finding my strength
and feeling my courageous self
yet I am responsive to throwing open my arms
to those beautiful gifts of love
in my life.
lml - november 2006
but I want my skin to stay supple
open to the elements around me
that may beat against my soul
and hammer the foundations of my body.
I am bending in the wind
offering no resistance
to a changes in course
or the dizzying disorientation
of being off the path.
I am finding my strength
and feeling my courageous self
yet I am responsive to throwing open my arms
to those beautiful gifts of love
in my life.
lml - november 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Words for the Season
"Winter covers everything; but everything's not dead."
- Sarah Harmer, "Dogs and Thunder"
I like these words, because they remind me that even though we are all starting to hunker down for the winter; even though the geese are filling the sky with their songs as they head south; even though the air feels colder and the sun is losing its strength; and even though the darkness comes so much faster...
... there is still so much life around us and inside of us.
We just need to be more resourceful during these next few months and make a point of finding that sunshine and that life and that lightness.
- Sarah Harmer, "Dogs and Thunder"
I like these words, because they remind me that even though we are all starting to hunker down for the winter; even though the geese are filling the sky with their songs as they head south; even though the air feels colder and the sun is losing its strength; and even though the darkness comes so much faster...
... there is still so much life around us and inside of us.
We just need to be more resourceful during these next few months and make a point of finding that sunshine and that life and that lightness.
Friday, November 03, 2006
adjusting
like the manipulation of my spinal chord
as I lie on my chiropractor's table
the alignment of my vertebrae
falling into place
echoes the feeling of adjusting
to the situations around me
adjusting to the new distance between me and a friend
and the sadness that pours into me when I realize the loss
adjusting to the yearning that vibrates through me, when I catch a glimpse of his face or his smile.
adjusting to my new body
the change of my curves and my stature
the softness I feel
and the substance.
adjusting to this place of transition
of seeing myself far off in the distance and not able to grasp the steps I need to take to get there.
adjusting to the pieces of this puzzle of me that I need to put together.
adjusting to catching my breath, in this moment, and remembering that I have everything that I need or could ever want right now.
as I lie on my chiropractor's table
the alignment of my vertebrae
falling into place
echoes the feeling of adjusting
to the situations around me
adjusting to the new distance between me and a friend
and the sadness that pours into me when I realize the loss
adjusting to the yearning that vibrates through me, when I catch a glimpse of his face or his smile.
adjusting to my new body
the change of my curves and my stature
the softness I feel
and the substance.
adjusting to this place of transition
of seeing myself far off in the distance and not able to grasp the steps I need to take to get there.
adjusting to the pieces of this puzzle of me that I need to put together.
adjusting to catching my breath, in this moment, and remembering that I have everything that I need or could ever want right now.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloween?
I had a most unusual dream last night. It's different from any dream I've ever had before. And I found it interesting (and creepy?) that it occurred on the eve before All Hallow's Eve'n.
Are there any dream analyzers out there who'd like to take a go at this one??
I am a man, with blonde hair, in my 30s or so. I am dressed in clothing from the 1800s or so - a puffy white blouse with long, flowing sleeves and a vest. I have committed a crime and have been sentenced to death by fire. I am in a holding tank of sorts - a place to wait for the execution of my sentence. I am with a whole bunch of other people who have committed crimes, too, and who are waiting to be executed. The people are all young, black boys - between the ages of 4 and 12. They all have bald heads, and are wearing tattered clothes. And they are all smiling and lovely. Big warm grins that light up their faces.
The next scene takes place inside a small, square, enclosed room. It is dark, there are no windows and no doors that I can see. One third of the room is a huge, roaring, hot, orange fire. The room is very hot. The other two thirds of the room is made up of a raised, wooden platform that sits on top of the fire. The platform is made of slabs of wood, that have gaps in between them, so that licks of fire come up from below. There's an assortment of blankets and old clothing that you can use to sit on to try and ease some of the heat.
I am in this room, still as the man, but in my own body, and dressed in a white tank top and a pair of jeans. I am barefoot. And it's very warm. There is a young, black boy with me. He can't be more than 8 or 9 years of age. His name is Articules, and he is the executioner. He sits on my lap, as I lean against the wall on top of a blanket. He straddles my lap, one leg on either side, and he's very happy and friendly. Laughing and giggly. He askes me how many times before it's my turn. I say 4. He asks if that includes or doesn't include my own turn, and I say that it doesn't. So he writes 5 times down on his piece of paper. I say to him, very gently, "Articules, I am having difficulty with the heat right now, but give me some time to adjust. And I suspect I'll be OK."
The next scene shows a letter that I've (as the man) written. It's written in an old-style English, using words like, "my betrothed", etc. The man's voice is narrating the letter he's written. (Like a voice over). He describes how one boy, Aristotle, was brought into the fire room for the day, as he was scheduled to be executed by fire the next morning. In the morning, we found his body, charred. He had made the choice to jump into the fire on his own, instead of being forced to do it.
And that's the end of the dream.
Are there any dream analyzers out there who'd like to take a go at this one??
I am a man, with blonde hair, in my 30s or so. I am dressed in clothing from the 1800s or so - a puffy white blouse with long, flowing sleeves and a vest. I have committed a crime and have been sentenced to death by fire. I am in a holding tank of sorts - a place to wait for the execution of my sentence. I am with a whole bunch of other people who have committed crimes, too, and who are waiting to be executed. The people are all young, black boys - between the ages of 4 and 12. They all have bald heads, and are wearing tattered clothes. And they are all smiling and lovely. Big warm grins that light up their faces.
The next scene takes place inside a small, square, enclosed room. It is dark, there are no windows and no doors that I can see. One third of the room is a huge, roaring, hot, orange fire. The room is very hot. The other two thirds of the room is made up of a raised, wooden platform that sits on top of the fire. The platform is made of slabs of wood, that have gaps in between them, so that licks of fire come up from below. There's an assortment of blankets and old clothing that you can use to sit on to try and ease some of the heat.
I am in this room, still as the man, but in my own body, and dressed in a white tank top and a pair of jeans. I am barefoot. And it's very warm. There is a young, black boy with me. He can't be more than 8 or 9 years of age. His name is Articules, and he is the executioner. He sits on my lap, as I lean against the wall on top of a blanket. He straddles my lap, one leg on either side, and he's very happy and friendly. Laughing and giggly. He askes me how many times before it's my turn. I say 4. He asks if that includes or doesn't include my own turn, and I say that it doesn't. So he writes 5 times down on his piece of paper. I say to him, very gently, "Articules, I am having difficulty with the heat right now, but give me some time to adjust. And I suspect I'll be OK."
The next scene shows a letter that I've (as the man) written. It's written in an old-style English, using words like, "my betrothed", etc. The man's voice is narrating the letter he's written. (Like a voice over). He describes how one boy, Aristotle, was brought into the fire room for the day, as he was scheduled to be executed by fire the next morning. In the morning, we found his body, charred. He had made the choice to jump into the fire on his own, instead of being forced to do it.
And that's the end of the dream.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Winter is coming....
A field of geese
lifted off from the fields of straw-colored hay.
Like bombers in the sky;
on a mission,
in formation,
shadows against the sun.
The birds turned the world dark.
I could feel the humming their wings,
beating in synchronicity,
as they honked their calls
and passed overhead.
- lml, oct. 21
lifted off from the fields of straw-colored hay.
Like bombers in the sky;
on a mission,
in formation,
shadows against the sun.
The birds turned the world dark.
I could feel the humming their wings,
beating in synchronicity,
as they honked their calls
and passed overhead.
- lml, oct. 21
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Hunger
I wrote this a few days ago.
We all experience sadness in our lives, for various reasons. When I felt this way, I realized that I wanted to take a few minutes to experience how I was feeling. To listen to myself. To see what my bodymind was experiencing as I acknowledged my sadness. It felt therapeutic to put everything into words - and I find that I use words as my outlet. The mechanism of finding a sentence, a passage, a single combination of letters to describe my feelings, paint the portrait in my mind of how my body feels and how my soul wants - leaves me feeling very soothed and comforted.
"Why does my sadness have a taste?
Like a thirst
That only physical contact can quench.
I feel hoarse from screaming
Inside my heart.
The hunger pangs in my belly
Are echoed by a deep yearning
That feels as if it will only be abated
With a simple touch. A kiss. A hug.
An acknowledgement.
This hunger hurts me.
And the lingering sensation of salty tears on my lips
Makes me only crave more."
- lml
We all experience sadness in our lives, for various reasons. When I felt this way, I realized that I wanted to take a few minutes to experience how I was feeling. To listen to myself. To see what my bodymind was experiencing as I acknowledged my sadness. It felt therapeutic to put everything into words - and I find that I use words as my outlet. The mechanism of finding a sentence, a passage, a single combination of letters to describe my feelings, paint the portrait in my mind of how my body feels and how my soul wants - leaves me feeling very soothed and comforted.
"Why does my sadness have a taste?
Like a thirst
That only physical contact can quench.
I feel hoarse from screaming
Inside my heart.
The hunger pangs in my belly
Are echoed by a deep yearning
That feels as if it will only be abated
With a simple touch. A kiss. A hug.
An acknowledgement.
This hunger hurts me.
And the lingering sensation of salty tears on my lips
Makes me only crave more."
- lml
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Life as a festival
Life is a festival! Everything around us is bursting forth with possibility and opportunity and the fresh, full, ripeness of love and laughter. There is beauty everywhere, even in the moments when you feel challenged and when your being is dislocated from the events around you and the feelings inside you.
How to exfoliate yourself from suffering and pain? From feelings of sadness and despair? One way of approaching things is to look at how you hold on to things in your life. How tenacious a grasp is the one you have around the weight that is straddled across your shoulders, pushing you down? The weight that crushes your ribs, in an effort to disrupt your breathing?
Osho has some powerful words about that.
"Suffering is not holding you. You are holding suffering. When you
become good at the art of letting sufferings go, then you'll come to
realize how unnecessary it was for you to drag those burdens around with
you. You'll see that no one else other than you was responsible. The truth
is that existence wants your life to become a festival."
-Osho
How to exfoliate yourself from suffering and pain? From feelings of sadness and despair? One way of approaching things is to look at how you hold on to things in your life. How tenacious a grasp is the one you have around the weight that is straddled across your shoulders, pushing you down? The weight that crushes your ribs, in an effort to disrupt your breathing?
Osho has some powerful words about that.
"Suffering is not holding you. You are holding suffering. When you
become good at the art of letting sufferings go, then you'll come to
realize how unnecessary it was for you to drag those burdens around with
you. You'll see that no one else other than you was responsible. The truth
is that existence wants your life to become a festival."
-Osho
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Do you believe in ghosts?
Here's an interesting perspective about recordings and life energy from Howie Gelb...
It makes you wonder.
"And then another man there told of his friend who witnessed a regiment of roman soldiers marching down an ancient road. The image of these phantoms were only from the belly up because the ancient road they once walked on was now a meter below the current terrain.
I determined something there and then. The explanation of all this seemed to be that they were not ghosts at all. They were recordings. It made some sense, more so then ghosts anyway. It seems that there are more things on this magnetic earth that gets recorded then we know about. It has to do with repetitive actions. And if this occurs as such, then sometimes long after the cause of the actions are gone, the recording of the action remains.
Why not?
We have heard sound recordings on petroleum (vinyl), metals (wire), even paper coated with alloys, and of course magnetic tape. We have seen visual recording transmitted through the waves we are all ready saturated with, there on the TV. We live on a magnet. Sometimes things must get recorded on the elements around us.
What’s more is this would explain the difficulty in trying not to obsess over a lover that has left us. Or worse, a loved one who has died. After so many repetitive actions with this lover, their imprint on you is stuck. You have to suffer that recording long after they are gone. This will drive you mad of course, unless you acknowledge it as a recording. Then maybe you will figure you are lucky to have such capture."
It makes you wonder.
"And then another man there told of his friend who witnessed a regiment of roman soldiers marching down an ancient road. The image of these phantoms were only from the belly up because the ancient road they once walked on was now a meter below the current terrain.
I determined something there and then. The explanation of all this seemed to be that they were not ghosts at all. They were recordings. It made some sense, more so then ghosts anyway. It seems that there are more things on this magnetic earth that gets recorded then we know about. It has to do with repetitive actions. And if this occurs as such, then sometimes long after the cause of the actions are gone, the recording of the action remains.
Why not?
We have heard sound recordings on petroleum (vinyl), metals (wire), even paper coated with alloys, and of course magnetic tape. We have seen visual recording transmitted through the waves we are all ready saturated with, there on the TV. We live on a magnet. Sometimes things must get recorded on the elements around us.
What’s more is this would explain the difficulty in trying not to obsess over a lover that has left us. Or worse, a loved one who has died. After so many repetitive actions with this lover, their imprint on you is stuck. You have to suffer that recording long after they are gone. This will drive you mad of course, unless you acknowledge it as a recording. Then maybe you will figure you are lucky to have such capture."
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Experiencing Life
I like this! : )
"Would you rather eat an apple or understand it?
Either is better than being frightened by an apple.
It is the same with life - better to experience it." - Henry Palmer
"Would you rather eat an apple or understand it?
Either is better than being frightened by an apple.
It is the same with life - better to experience it." - Henry Palmer
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Musings from a Sanctuary
Journal entry from my divine weekend away...
I am here on a dock, not a foot from Lake Gilmour. At the home of some of my parents' friends. The sun is hot, it's almost noon, and I can feel the heat beneath my black bathing suit. Against my skin.
The lake is like liquid glass. Perfectly crafted. Reflecting the bold splashed of color - autumn touching the treetops and bushes with its kiss of red and orange.
Time to change my pen color, like how everything changes. And how I am learning to want change. To accept change. And to let myself go - see where the changes take me. It's always there - change - like the gentle lapping of the lake against the dock I sit on. Always moving. And I find that it's in a place of fear, of not wanting to something to change, that many people find themselves stuck.
I can feel some big changes underfoot for me, over the horizon, but I am determined NOT to play them out in my head. Not to imagine what it will be like, because I think that if I do, I'll be creating a vision of something that is not real. Perhaps attaching myself to that vision. And perhaps, more importantly, missing the doors that will open or opportunities that will come about, because I am not paying attention.
And that is what I want to do. Pay attention. To right now. To the heat on my body, the water splashing beside me, the wasp that landed on my leg, the cawing in the sky above me, the whirring of wings as the dragonflies skim by me, the sound of voices rising and falling, a distant purr of a motor. I think this is where all my answers are.
I like this passage. I like it's message - about deadening a relationship with dishonesty. It's probably the closest description of how I felt after being with Mike for so long - when I didn't make the choices to be myself. It conversely also captures how I feel today. And what I think I've been able to experience in my friendship with Jack. The success of being myself with him.
"Any time we begin to withhold our truth, on any level, no matter how small or subtle, we begin to block the life force coming through us and we begin to deaden ourselves and our relationships. The sexual energy, among everything else, diminishes. That is what often happens in long-term relationships.
It is very difficult to stay truly honest with ourselves and with each other in every moment. It's the nature of human beings to try and please the other person, which means that we don't want to show them the parts of ourselves that are undesirable. We also want security, so we are afraid to risk revealing something that could threaten the relationship. There's a subtle level at which we withhold truth.
To whatever degree we withhold truths, there is a corresponding level of energy dying in the relationship."
To which I add - the relationship with MYSELF as much as with anyone else.
I am here on a dock, not a foot from Lake Gilmour. At the home of some of my parents' friends. The sun is hot, it's almost noon, and I can feel the heat beneath my black bathing suit. Against my skin.
The lake is like liquid glass. Perfectly crafted. Reflecting the bold splashed of color - autumn touching the treetops and bushes with its kiss of red and orange.
Time to change my pen color, like how everything changes. And how I am learning to want change. To accept change. And to let myself go - see where the changes take me. It's always there - change - like the gentle lapping of the lake against the dock I sit on. Always moving. And I find that it's in a place of fear, of not wanting to something to change, that many people find themselves stuck.
I can feel some big changes underfoot for me, over the horizon, but I am determined NOT to play them out in my head. Not to imagine what it will be like, because I think that if I do, I'll be creating a vision of something that is not real. Perhaps attaching myself to that vision. And perhaps, more importantly, missing the doors that will open or opportunities that will come about, because I am not paying attention.
And that is what I want to do. Pay attention. To right now. To the heat on my body, the water splashing beside me, the wasp that landed on my leg, the cawing in the sky above me, the whirring of wings as the dragonflies skim by me, the sound of voices rising and falling, a distant purr of a motor. I think this is where all my answers are.
I like this passage. I like it's message - about deadening a relationship with dishonesty. It's probably the closest description of how I felt after being with Mike for so long - when I didn't make the choices to be myself. It conversely also captures how I feel today. And what I think I've been able to experience in my friendship with Jack. The success of being myself with him.
"Any time we begin to withhold our truth, on any level, no matter how small or subtle, we begin to block the life force coming through us and we begin to deaden ourselves and our relationships. The sexual energy, among everything else, diminishes. That is what often happens in long-term relationships.
It is very difficult to stay truly honest with ourselves and with each other in every moment. It's the nature of human beings to try and please the other person, which means that we don't want to show them the parts of ourselves that are undesirable. We also want security, so we are afraid to risk revealing something that could threaten the relationship. There's a subtle level at which we withhold truth.
To whatever degree we withhold truths, there is a corresponding level of energy dying in the relationship."
To which I add - the relationship with MYSELF as much as with anyone else.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Having trouble letting go... and yet learning so much in the process.
As a result of some news a few weeks ago, I've been drawn to re-reading old emails and letters and journal entries and thoughts from years ago.
I clearly am having trouble letting go of the past. But I am giving myself some space to do this. I know it will come, and I am trying to be patient during this process. And let myself be curious about the past and the person I was - even if I am filled with disgust and I cringe when I read how controlling, threatened, needy, and insecure I was. Ugh.
One of the positive things that I discovered was a series of poetry that I wrote... words which came to me when I needed strength, when I needed courage, when I was at my darkest. It is *comforting* to realize that I had the capacity to change... even back then when I hated myself the most... I just didn't listen to my desires.
And the cool thing is that now I am trying to do that. : )
My present me lies balanced precariously
on the edge of my past
Stepping forward and upward
toward my future
Rocking dangerously over the end
Stabilizing a pathway
that leads to the unknown
- April 1998
Melancholy
There are times
When I immerse myself in melancholy
Without warning,
Irresistably.
Like slipping in to a lake, naked
Feeling the cold fingers wrap around my skin.
Like a presence at my throat, tightening.
Making it difficult to swallow.
Like wind stinging my eyes, fiercly,
Until tears spring forward in retaliation.
- July 8, 1998
I am letting go of my past;
It's ripping off old skin.
So I bleed a little at a time
And I realize how glad I am
At not having to shed it all at once.
- 1998
Age
How old do you have to be
Before you can love yourself
Completely and wholly?
Know your faults and your shortcomings
But also know your beauty
And embrace yourself
And tell yourself
You can do anything...
...and watch as you can.
- Jan 28, 1999
Kaleidoscope
Jagged edges of color and pattern
Come together to create form and rhythm
The known is comfortable.
A twist of the wrist
And our lives are jumbled and broken
Angles shift and reorganize
I am disoriented.
Somewhere in the new design
Are familiar pieces of our old selves.
A new future, a new construction.
Will it be the same?
- July 15, 2002
In Places
My edges are worn through
The tarnish is showing
I've been rubbed raw in places
Innocence, joy, naivety, enthusiasm
Make way for a new cynical and jaded me
As if a rough thumb caressed me
Down to the bone
Revealing a darkness, in places.
- December 2003
I clearly am having trouble letting go of the past. But I am giving myself some space to do this. I know it will come, and I am trying to be patient during this process. And let myself be curious about the past and the person I was - even if I am filled with disgust and I cringe when I read how controlling, threatened, needy, and insecure I was. Ugh.
One of the positive things that I discovered was a series of poetry that I wrote... words which came to me when I needed strength, when I needed courage, when I was at my darkest. It is *comforting* to realize that I had the capacity to change... even back then when I hated myself the most... I just didn't listen to my desires.
And the cool thing is that now I am trying to do that. : )
My present me lies balanced precariously
on the edge of my past
Stepping forward and upward
toward my future
Rocking dangerously over the end
Stabilizing a pathway
that leads to the unknown
- April 1998
Melancholy
There are times
When I immerse myself in melancholy
Without warning,
Irresistably.
Like slipping in to a lake, naked
Feeling the cold fingers wrap around my skin.
Like a presence at my throat, tightening.
Making it difficult to swallow.
Like wind stinging my eyes, fiercly,
Until tears spring forward in retaliation.
- July 8, 1998
I am letting go of my past;
It's ripping off old skin.
So I bleed a little at a time
And I realize how glad I am
At not having to shed it all at once.
- 1998
Age
How old do you have to be
Before you can love yourself
Completely and wholly?
Know your faults and your shortcomings
But also know your beauty
And embrace yourself
And tell yourself
You can do anything...
...and watch as you can.
- Jan 28, 1999
Kaleidoscope
Jagged edges of color and pattern
Come together to create form and rhythm
The known is comfortable.
A twist of the wrist
And our lives are jumbled and broken
Angles shift and reorganize
I am disoriented.
Somewhere in the new design
Are familiar pieces of our old selves.
A new future, a new construction.
Will it be the same?
- July 15, 2002
In Places
My edges are worn through
The tarnish is showing
I've been rubbed raw in places
Innocence, joy, naivety, enthusiasm
Make way for a new cynical and jaded me
As if a rough thumb caressed me
Down to the bone
Revealing a darkness, in places.
- December 2003
Friday, September 08, 2006
Absolutely Emu-sing
It could have been because I was a bit punchy...
I had a rough day at work yesterday. Our company laid off a number of employees and while I was fortunate to be unaffected, the emotions were running high throughout the day.
Or
It could have been because the target of crackpots (ME) that they were marketing was totally bang on...
... But I couldn't stop laughing when I read the label on the Four Emus Shiraz bottle. http://www.fouremus.com.au/flashus.html
I hadn't even started drinking, and Bruce "Deranged but thoughtful, for the 2 seconds any emu can hold onto one thought" had me in stitches.
Thanks for the giggles! : )
I am looking forward to meeting the other 3.... ; )
I had a rough day at work yesterday. Our company laid off a number of employees and while I was fortunate to be unaffected, the emotions were running high throughout the day.
Or
It could have been because the target of crackpots (ME) that they were marketing was totally bang on...
... But I couldn't stop laughing when I read the label on the Four Emus Shiraz bottle. http://www.fouremus.com.au/flashus.html
I hadn't even started drinking, and Bruce "Deranged but thoughtful, for the 2 seconds any emu can hold onto one thought" had me in stitches.
Thanks for the giggles! : )
I am looking forward to meeting the other 3.... ; )
Sunday, August 27, 2006
shedding my skin
It's been an interesting week. I learned some things from my past that have shed new light on this journey of mine. Re-opened wounds, and started new healing. I see myself in a different way, like I am looking through old pictures, and finding clues about myself and me. It's both frightening and wonderful, to travel along old roads, walk routes that were well-worn and exhausting, and be given gifts of shade, water, and sunshine, to ease my travels. Beautiful gifts, that leave me feeling awed and raw.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
massage therapy?
He pressed his elbow, deep into my muscle.
Ripping the scar tissue from my ligament.
His long, sweeping movement brought the eruption of hot liquid.
Scalding my body, as the fibers burned.
Inflamed and angry, they fought his attempts to release them;
To tear them away from the familiar hold that they had on my band.
And as he spoke, I felt my past surface.
The patterns that I had been holding onto, eased.
And in that moment of intense pain, I realized how much my body remembered.
How much was inside of me; holding on tenaciously.
Stirring the very fibers of my being, I felt myself give into the sensation that my history starts right now.
--lml aug 17/06
Ripping the scar tissue from my ligament.
His long, sweeping movement brought the eruption of hot liquid.
Scalding my body, as the fibers burned.
Inflamed and angry, they fought his attempts to release them;
To tear them away from the familiar hold that they had on my band.
And as he spoke, I felt my past surface.
The patterns that I had been holding onto, eased.
And in that moment of intense pain, I realized how much my body remembered.
How much was inside of me; holding on tenaciously.
Stirring the very fibers of my being, I felt myself give into the sensation that my history starts right now.
--lml aug 17/06
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Creepy Creepy
Where do nightmares come from? I went to sleep last night and had the scariest dream/nightmare I've had in a long time.
I won't go into details, because as I sit here at 5 am in my office, I am freaked out even thinking about it. I decided that I am not going back to bed, and I was scared to even make my way to the kitchen, because the lights are off in the house. The gist of it was that my cousin was a murdering psycho and was killing off everyone in the house - I remember distinctly that she killed 3 adults and 1 child. I knew she was coming after me, and I knew that I had to try and save everyone, and I couldn't. I knew that if I could just catch her in the process, I would be able to stop her. I could overpower her or surprise her or make her stop. But I could never catch her in the process.
And she seemed to always be there, sneaking up on me, startling me, and showing me what she had done. I couldn't seem to get away. I couldn't turn the lights on brighter, they were always dimly lit. Just enough light that I could only see shadows. And so that I had to strain to see if it was her silhouette or shadow in the doorway or whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. And she was sick. She'd throw her blonde hair back and just laugh. The visuals are still jarring me. Ugh.
Maybe it was the Stephen King book I read before falling asleep, or maybe it was the piece of pizza that I ate. But I've read horror books my entire life, murder mysteries, sci fi, thrillers, and they've never bothered me before. So where did this come from? What the heck is my subconscious trying to tell me?
I tell you, this is one morning that I am so happy that my house is filled with warm, fuzzy cats, and a friend. I am tempted to crawl into bed with her and get some cuddles, but I am too damned scared!
I won't go into details, because as I sit here at 5 am in my office, I am freaked out even thinking about it. I decided that I am not going back to bed, and I was scared to even make my way to the kitchen, because the lights are off in the house. The gist of it was that my cousin was a murdering psycho and was killing off everyone in the house - I remember distinctly that she killed 3 adults and 1 child. I knew she was coming after me, and I knew that I had to try and save everyone, and I couldn't. I knew that if I could just catch her in the process, I would be able to stop her. I could overpower her or surprise her or make her stop. But I could never catch her in the process.
And she seemed to always be there, sneaking up on me, startling me, and showing me what she had done. I couldn't seem to get away. I couldn't turn the lights on brighter, they were always dimly lit. Just enough light that I could only see shadows. And so that I had to strain to see if it was her silhouette or shadow in the doorway or whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. And she was sick. She'd throw her blonde hair back and just laugh. The visuals are still jarring me. Ugh.
Maybe it was the Stephen King book I read before falling asleep, or maybe it was the piece of pizza that I ate. But I've read horror books my entire life, murder mysteries, sci fi, thrillers, and they've never bothered me before. So where did this come from? What the heck is my subconscious trying to tell me?
I tell you, this is one morning that I am so happy that my house is filled with warm, fuzzy cats, and a friend. I am tempted to crawl into bed with her and get some cuddles, but I am too damned scared!
Sunday, July 23, 2006
A thought about Now
The satiation of being present, of being in the moment, of experiencing now feeds my soul and feeds my energy.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Sometimes this is easy to forget....
I had a blue moment this morning. It didn't last very long, but it was one of those moments where I feel disconnected from all my friends.
I realized that when I am emotional - for whatever reason - and experiencing sadness - I become emotionally needy. I feel immediately forgotten, which I know is not real, and I feel like I am all alone. That somehow, in some parallel universe, I am living a life without friends or connections. That the connections I have, which generally come so effortlessly to me, are lost. Like someone is stepping on the wires. And the energy I get when I am in contact with people close to me feels broken off, faded, rusted. I feel like I want to be remembered. To be touched.
And, usually, it's at these moments that I find slivers of inspiration. Reminders that I am alone. That I do walk my journey of life alone. And that I have been incredibly enriched and blessed with friends, that they fill my life with laughter and love. But that I do not need them to be whole or happy.
"The best day of your life is the one
on which you decide your life is your own.
No apologies or excuses.
No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.
The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey -
and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.
This is the day your life really begins."
-Anonymous
I realized that when I am emotional - for whatever reason - and experiencing sadness - I become emotionally needy. I feel immediately forgotten, which I know is not real, and I feel like I am all alone. That somehow, in some parallel universe, I am living a life without friends or connections. That the connections I have, which generally come so effortlessly to me, are lost. Like someone is stepping on the wires. And the energy I get when I am in contact with people close to me feels broken off, faded, rusted. I feel like I want to be remembered. To be touched.
And, usually, it's at these moments that I find slivers of inspiration. Reminders that I am alone. That I do walk my journey of life alone. And that I have been incredibly enriched and blessed with friends, that they fill my life with laughter and love. But that I do not need them to be whole or happy.
"The best day of your life is the one
on which you decide your life is your own.
No apologies or excuses.
No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.
The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey -
and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.
This is the day your life really begins."
-Anonymous
Monday, July 10, 2006
Creative Hiccups
I spent a few minutes capturing some thoughts tonight about this whole artistic
process that I am exploring.
I enjoy losing myself in the creation of something. I love spending hours just drawing something that I see, that I like, that I want to capture. And the process is pure pleasure. Focus, losing myself in the moment, letting go of everything.
What surprises me, much like when I catch a glimpse of myself in a glass when I walk by a storefront or see my face in a mirror, is that I am totally caught off guard. What I see is not what I'd envisioned. I see something that is unexpected. Something that seems somehow wrong.
The picture, the drawing, when held against the original photo, is all askew. Disproportionate, unconnected, misshapen. It's at that moment that I become uncomfortable. I feel worthless, why was I even bothering to try and draw? I can't do this!, and I feel shy and vulnerable. And very embarrassed.
Have I measured this drawing against something that isn't there? Have I expected too much from myself? Did I expect that I would somehow get it right? That it would just flow? Am I afraid to simply put in the time and effort to do this, practice this, over and over?
Do I even have it in me to be persistent enough? To be creative?
process that I am exploring.
I enjoy losing myself in the creation of something. I love spending hours just drawing something that I see, that I like, that I want to capture. And the process is pure pleasure. Focus, losing myself in the moment, letting go of everything.
What surprises me, much like when I catch a glimpse of myself in a glass when I walk by a storefront or see my face in a mirror, is that I am totally caught off guard. What I see is not what I'd envisioned. I see something that is unexpected. Something that seems somehow wrong.
The picture, the drawing, when held against the original photo, is all askew. Disproportionate, unconnected, misshapen. It's at that moment that I become uncomfortable. I feel worthless, why was I even bothering to try and draw? I can't do this!, and I feel shy and vulnerable. And very embarrassed.
Have I measured this drawing against something that isn't there? Have I expected too much from myself? Did I expect that I would somehow get it right? That it would just flow? Am I afraid to simply put in the time and effort to do this, practice this, over and over?
Do I even have it in me to be persistent enough? To be creative?
Monday, July 03, 2006
The Worlds Within
Well, tonight I feel compelled to write. I am feeling creative and inspired. Feeling like I want to draw and write. I want to learn to draw figure studies - male and female nudes. I want to write a short story. I even have the opening lines for my story. I want to travel the world. I want to drop everything I have, everything I know, and take off and travel the world. I want to be bold and daring. Be free. Be interesting. Be open to everything around me.
I am struggling with having these feelings. I am worried that I want to flee because I am dissatisfied with something in my life right now? What could I be dissatisfied with? Where do I begin to make changes that will give me that kind of outlet - that will inspire me, help me feel like I am exploring new parts of me.
Where can I go to fill myself - fill those parts of me that are hungry?
And yet, here I am sitting here on my couch, eating pretzels, watching Friends, and surfing with my laptop. Do I just expect all of this to just happen to me? That my doorbell is going to ring and suddenly I'll be transported to another universe and that art and magic is going to surround me and fill my senses? That I'll be exposed to new and interesting people? That I'll begin to explore myself and my sense of self in different ways?
How do I start to create it? To have all of that infiltrate my world, as it is now? Without escaping?
I am struggling with having these feelings. I am worried that I want to flee because I am dissatisfied with something in my life right now? What could I be dissatisfied with? Where do I begin to make changes that will give me that kind of outlet - that will inspire me, help me feel like I am exploring new parts of me.
Where can I go to fill myself - fill those parts of me that are hungry?
And yet, here I am sitting here on my couch, eating pretzels, watching Friends, and surfing with my laptop. Do I just expect all of this to just happen to me? That my doorbell is going to ring and suddenly I'll be transported to another universe and that art and magic is going to surround me and fill my senses? That I'll be exposed to new and interesting people? That I'll begin to explore myself and my sense of self in different ways?
How do I start to create it? To have all of that infiltrate my world, as it is now? Without escaping?
Thursday, June 22, 2006
le petit bonheur
Fitting words for the summer solstice. A time of change, and reflection. A time to celebrate summer - the warmth of the sunshine, the fragrant smell of flowers and earth in the air, fireflies that light up the darkness, the gatherings of friends and family that inevitably happens when we feel warm and comfortable. The simple pleasures in life.
"There are times when it is hard to believe in the future, when we are temporarily just not brave enough. When this happens, concentrate on the present. Cultivate le petit bonheur (the little happiness) until courage returns. Look forward to the beauty of the next moment, the next hour, the promise of a good meal, sleep, a book, a movie, the likelihood that tonight the stars will shine and tomorrow the sun will shine. Sink roots into the present until the strength grows to think about tomorrow."
-- Ardis Whitman
"There are times when it is hard to believe in the future, when we are temporarily just not brave enough. When this happens, concentrate on the present. Cultivate le petit bonheur (the little happiness) until courage returns. Look forward to the beauty of the next moment, the next hour, the promise of a good meal, sleep, a book, a movie, the likelihood that tonight the stars will shine and tomorrow the sun will shine. Sink roots into the present until the strength grows to think about tomorrow."
-- Ardis Whitman
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Letting go... jumping in...not being afraid... all that good stuff! : )
I think Ralph Waldo Emerson was a Buddhist. I find his words to be very much about staying in the moment, not being afraid, of letting go of the past and the future, about enjoying the simple things in life.
Isn't that what life is all about?!
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Isn't that what life is all about?!
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Monday, June 12, 2006
A little Shel...
for this Monday morning.
I read this on Inspiration Peak, and thought it was the perfect way to get everyone off on the right foot, today.
A little reminder that the world is yours for the taking! If you are ready for it!
Listen to the Mustn'ts,child,
Listen to the Don’ts
Listen to the Shouldn’ts
The Impossibles, the Won’ts
Listen to the Never Haves,
Then listen close to me --
Anything can happen, child,
Anything can be.”
Shel Silverstein
I read this on Inspiration Peak, and thought it was the perfect way to get everyone off on the right foot, today.
A little reminder that the world is yours for the taking! If you are ready for it!
Listen to the Mustn'ts,child,
Listen to the Don’ts
Listen to the Shouldn’ts
The Impossibles, the Won’ts
Listen to the Never Haves,
Then listen close to me --
Anything can happen, child,
Anything can be.”
Shel Silverstein
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Happy Grazing : )
I *like* my horoscope for this week. I love this line, in particular, "sample a little of a lot."
ARIES (March 21-April 19): In all my years of evaluating your astrological omens, I have rarely seen a time so favourably disposed to the value and pleasure of variety. I'm tempted to conclude that the cosmos is conspiring for you to try all 32 flavours, 46 positions, and 64 loopholes. For a limited time only, you really should be determined to sample a little of a lot rather than a lot of a little. Grazing and browsing are not only fine, they're preferable. You have a poetic license to be mercurial, spontaneous, and inscrutable.
Of course, this seems to be the natural state of post-vacation bliss. : )
Bring it on!
ARIES (March 21-April 19): In all my years of evaluating your astrological omens, I have rarely seen a time so favourably disposed to the value and pleasure of variety. I'm tempted to conclude that the cosmos is conspiring for you to try all 32 flavours, 46 positions, and 64 loopholes. For a limited time only, you really should be determined to sample a little of a lot rather than a lot of a little. Grazing and browsing are not only fine, they're preferable. You have a poetic license to be mercurial, spontaneous, and inscrutable.
Of course, this seems to be the natural state of post-vacation bliss. : )
Bring it on!
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Off traveling...
I'm heading off for a wee bit of an adventure.....
Feel free to catch the excitement here. http://leprechaunlala.blogspot.com/
See you at the end of May! *wave*
Feel free to catch the excitement here. http://leprechaunlala.blogspot.com/
See you at the end of May! *wave*
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Re-assessing my commitments
A friend of mine made a comment to me yesterday about me needing to take time to reassess my commitments. It struck a deep chord with me.
I realized that I've significantly scaled back my interactions with
friends:
Many of whom I haven't seen in months; some of whom I haven't talked to in years...
family:
I used to call everyone on a weekly basis, and now I send a few email updates a month...
volunteer organizations:
I am taking a hiatus from Search and Rescue Global 1 because I don't feel like I can commit appropriately and I don't want my lack of commitment to affect the safety and professionalism of the other members of the group.
I am thinking about severing my official Big Sister relationship with Little Lisa because she is struggling so much, and I so miss that girl.
(Both of these organizations are amazing organizations - I have been involved with them for 4 and 6 years, respectively. I just don't have the energy or desire to do this right now.)
exercise:
OMG! I can't remember the last time I rode a bike (two years, perhaps?). I run/do the gym maybe once a week at the most. I used feel be so active - working out for at least an hour daily. And I loved the way that I felt. Where is my motivation??? How can it just disappear?
Interesting that my horoscope this week says the following:
ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Any idiot can face a crisis," said Russian writer Anton Chekhov. "It is the day-to-day living that wears you out." Your main assignment in the coming weeks, Aries, will be to use your ingenuity to keep from being burned out by the subtle and minor trials of the daily grind. It won't be as dramatic a challenge as some of the epic travails you dealt with in March, but in my opinion it will be just as heroic.
so where does that leave me?
Perhaps by making these decisions, and closing some of these doors, metaphorically, I will be giving myself the space and opportunity to be open to something new.
Or maybe I am just a total flake.
I haven't quite figured out which is true.
I realized that I've significantly scaled back my interactions with
friends:
Many of whom I haven't seen in months; some of whom I haven't talked to in years...
family:
I used to call everyone on a weekly basis, and now I send a few email updates a month...
volunteer organizations:
I am taking a hiatus from Search and Rescue Global 1 because I don't feel like I can commit appropriately and I don't want my lack of commitment to affect the safety and professionalism of the other members of the group.
I am thinking about severing my official Big Sister relationship with Little Lisa because she is struggling so much, and I so miss that girl.
(Both of these organizations are amazing organizations - I have been involved with them for 4 and 6 years, respectively. I just don't have the energy or desire to do this right now.)
exercise:
OMG! I can't remember the last time I rode a bike (two years, perhaps?). I run/do the gym maybe once a week at the most. I used feel be so active - working out for at least an hour daily. And I loved the way that I felt. Where is my motivation??? How can it just disappear?
Interesting that my horoscope this week says the following:
ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Any idiot can face a crisis," said Russian writer Anton Chekhov. "It is the day-to-day living that wears you out." Your main assignment in the coming weeks, Aries, will be to use your ingenuity to keep from being burned out by the subtle and minor trials of the daily grind. It won't be as dramatic a challenge as some of the epic travails you dealt with in March, but in my opinion it will be just as heroic.
so where does that leave me?
Perhaps by making these decisions, and closing some of these doors, metaphorically, I will be giving myself the space and opportunity to be open to something new.
Or maybe I am just a total flake.
I haven't quite figured out which is true.
Learning...
I have been doing so much learning in the last two years. When I think about what I've challenged myself with, where I am now, what I've seen and done, what I've changed, how I've grown, how I've bloomed... I just smile. wow.
I don't think the learning ever stops - nor do I want it to stop! I think that as long as I am awake, it is mine for the taking. To drink deeply, to embrace with fully open arms, to jump in with both feet, to drench my soul. YAY!
After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...
Veronica A. Shoffstall
I don't think the learning ever stops - nor do I want it to stop! I think that as long as I am awake, it is mine for the taking. To drink deeply, to embrace with fully open arms, to jump in with both feet, to drench my soul. YAY!
After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...
Veronica A. Shoffstall
Friday, April 28, 2006
happy friday, now get to work!
I feel like there is sooooo much to do and so little time. Where does time go? I have strong urges to do the following....
* pound out on my new headache bag
* learn to skip rope like boxers
* run to work
* get a tune up for my yellow Rocky Mtn bike, that's been dismantled and neglected for two years now, so I can ride to work
* draw the picture of Alcatraz that's inspired me
* paint the aforementioned picture on one of my cool new canvases
* learn to play Lovers in a Dangerous Time or Running to Stand Still on my guitar
* call my Aunt Edith, whom I've neglected for a year now. *gulp*
* go and splurge on a spa afternoon with my roomie and get my toenails painted for spring
* read the 5 books that I've started and that are on the night table beside my bed
* see the following movies History of Violence; Bakarat; Paradise Now; Harry Potter; Chronicles of Narnia; Ice Age...
* get into shape!!!!
* work on my drawing (practice, practice, practice)
* get together with some long lost buddies whom I haven't seen in a while
* pick up my HD and mod it so that I can stream music to my Xbox
Phew! And that's my short list. : )
I don't seem to get to any of them in a day. Why is that? I think I am fairly efficient with my time and energy. But maybe I need to book myself one hour "me" slots, and see if I can capitalize on that time.
Gotta go. Lots to do, and so little time!
* pound out on my new headache bag
* learn to skip rope like boxers
* run to work
* get a tune up for my yellow Rocky Mtn bike, that's been dismantled and neglected for two years now, so I can ride to work
* draw the picture of Alcatraz that's inspired me
* paint the aforementioned picture on one of my cool new canvases
* learn to play Lovers in a Dangerous Time or Running to Stand Still on my guitar
* call my Aunt Edith, whom I've neglected for a year now. *gulp*
* go and splurge on a spa afternoon with my roomie and get my toenails painted for spring
* read the 5 books that I've started and that are on the night table beside my bed
* see the following movies History of Violence; Bakarat; Paradise Now; Harry Potter; Chronicles of Narnia; Ice Age...
* get into shape!!!!
* work on my drawing (practice, practice, practice)
* get together with some long lost buddies whom I haven't seen in a while
* pick up my HD and mod it so that I can stream music to my Xbox
Phew! And that's my short list. : )
I don't seem to get to any of them in a day. Why is that? I think I am fairly efficient with my time and energy. But maybe I need to book myself one hour "me" slots, and see if I can capitalize on that time.
Gotta go. Lots to do, and so little time!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
things happen for a reason
I am a firm believer in this mantra. I don't know whether it's my optimism - making a point to look for the positive growth experiences and opportunities that come with difficult times and events - or whether it's a fundamental and universal truth. But this speaks to me so strongly.
Knowing that things happen for a reason forces me to pause, during difficult and emotional times, and ask myself what can come from this? It gives me space to take a look around me, at a time when you tend to be completely self-absorbed and consumed with the turmoil going on within, to see if there are doors, once locked and bolted, or just unseen to me, that now stand open and welcoming. It encourages me to listen to my instincts, pay attention to how I am feeling, and acknowledge my fears and emotions as being real. Like giving an accepting and warm hug to my soul.
I still strive to do the best that I can in the situation, but a part of me can relax and see where I will end up. No one knows, no one can predict the future, and it feels comforting to think of things in a positive way; see the world in a hopeful light.
Perhaps my belief in this mantra is no different from any other form of religion - a need to have faith in something that is intangible, which promises you that things will work out for the best at another time (the afterlife?). And does it matter if that's the case? If I open myself up to the Universe and let things evolve the way they will? Am I being blind?
"Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"
Knowing that things happen for a reason forces me to pause, during difficult and emotional times, and ask myself what can come from this? It gives me space to take a look around me, at a time when you tend to be completely self-absorbed and consumed with the turmoil going on within, to see if there are doors, once locked and bolted, or just unseen to me, that now stand open and welcoming. It encourages me to listen to my instincts, pay attention to how I am feeling, and acknowledge my fears and emotions as being real. Like giving an accepting and warm hug to my soul.
I still strive to do the best that I can in the situation, but a part of me can relax and see where I will end up. No one knows, no one can predict the future, and it feels comforting to think of things in a positive way; see the world in a hopeful light.
Perhaps my belief in this mantra is no different from any other form of religion - a need to have faith in something that is intangible, which promises you that things will work out for the best at another time (the afterlife?). And does it matter if that's the case? If I open myself up to the Universe and let things evolve the way they will? Am I being blind?
"Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"
Sunday, April 23, 2006
insomnia?
Uh, oh....
I think I jinxed myself. I was feeling rather pleased with myself that I have this gorgeous gift (I *do* know it's a gift) to sleep well at night. To sleep anywhere, actually.
I had a very jam packed Thursday to Sunday - which involved a lot of travel, some emotional heaviness, and a heck of a lot of fun. As I drove back from Montreal, I was thinking about how sleepy I was, how much I was looking forward to crawling into my bed and having that gorgeous last big deep inhalation before I let all the days go, before I sank into a sweet, blissful state.
I got home, ran a few errands, did a couple of loads of laundry, put all my clothes away (like a good girl), got caught up on work email, wrote a couple of letters to friends and family members, got some new tunes, made a few CDs, opened up mail, made a few phone calls, and actually snuggled up in bed with a book for an hour...
... and it's now midnight, and I am not in the least bit tired! I don't feel stressed... I have no worries on my mind. My body feels sleepy. But I've got this buzz going.... my mind feels a little like it's winding UP for something. Huh.
I really really hope I didn't jinx myself.
I'm thinking I'll just hop back into bed, curl up with my book, and crash hard.
Here's to hoping! : )
(How's this for a blog post about absolutely nothing!? Not bad, eh?)
I think I jinxed myself. I was feeling rather pleased with myself that I have this gorgeous gift (I *do* know it's a gift) to sleep well at night. To sleep anywhere, actually.
I had a very jam packed Thursday to Sunday - which involved a lot of travel, some emotional heaviness, and a heck of a lot of fun. As I drove back from Montreal, I was thinking about how sleepy I was, how much I was looking forward to crawling into my bed and having that gorgeous last big deep inhalation before I let all the days go, before I sank into a sweet, blissful state.
I got home, ran a few errands, did a couple of loads of laundry, put all my clothes away (like a good girl), got caught up on work email, wrote a couple of letters to friends and family members, got some new tunes, made a few CDs, opened up mail, made a few phone calls, and actually snuggled up in bed with a book for an hour...
... and it's now midnight, and I am not in the least bit tired! I don't feel stressed... I have no worries on my mind. My body feels sleepy. But I've got this buzz going.... my mind feels a little like it's winding UP for something. Huh.
I really really hope I didn't jinx myself.
I'm thinking I'll just hop back into bed, curl up with my book, and crash hard.
Here's to hoping! : )
(How's this for a blog post about absolutely nothing!? Not bad, eh?)
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Horoscope Questions
I read my Free Will Horoscope for this week. It asked a whole interesting whack of questions, which I felt inspired to answer.
Aries
When I was a kid, I read Highlights magazine. My favorite feature was the section that asked Zen-like questions like "Can you laugh and cry at the same time?" or "If you were a talking parrot, what words would you want to learn?" For this week's horoscope, I've borrowed the spirit of that old source of inspiration. May the following passage incite your raw wonder and feral innocence. What's more beautiful, the smell of an orange or the sight of a green hill in spring? Under what circumstances might you eat dessert before the main course? Have you ever seen a statue wink? Is it possible to fall up instead of down? Describe how you'd catch a dragonfly without hurting it. Tell a story that's half-true and half-lies. Can you grow brain cells just by thinking you want to?
What's more beautiful, the smell of an orange or the sight of a green hill in spring?
LL: For me, the sight of a green hill triggers feelings of renewal. Of playfulness. Of natural sanctuaries. Of peace.
Under what circumstances might you eat dessert before the main course?
LL: All circumstances! Life is way too short! : )
Have you ever seen a statue wink?
LL: I can't honestly say that I haven't. But I'll be sure to keep my eyes open in case it happens.
Is it possible to fall up instead of down?
LL: Maybe where there is no gravity. Actually, that word made me smile - "grave-ity" sounds so serious. So my second answer would be "Yes! Wherever you play, whenever you laugh, it's possible!"
Describe how you'd catch a dragonfly without hurting it.
LL: I'd likely write a poem about it. Capture it for a moment in time with my words.
Can you grow brain cells just by thinking you want to?
LL: Where there is a will, there is a way. And magic helps too.
Aries
When I was a kid, I read Highlights magazine. My favorite feature was the section that asked Zen-like questions like "Can you laugh and cry at the same time?" or "If you were a talking parrot, what words would you want to learn?" For this week's horoscope, I've borrowed the spirit of that old source of inspiration. May the following passage incite your raw wonder and feral innocence. What's more beautiful, the smell of an orange or the sight of a green hill in spring? Under what circumstances might you eat dessert before the main course? Have you ever seen a statue wink? Is it possible to fall up instead of down? Describe how you'd catch a dragonfly without hurting it. Tell a story that's half-true and half-lies. Can you grow brain cells just by thinking you want to?
What's more beautiful, the smell of an orange or the sight of a green hill in spring?
LL: For me, the sight of a green hill triggers feelings of renewal. Of playfulness. Of natural sanctuaries. Of peace.
Under what circumstances might you eat dessert before the main course?
LL: All circumstances! Life is way too short! : )
Have you ever seen a statue wink?
LL: I can't honestly say that I haven't. But I'll be sure to keep my eyes open in case it happens.
Is it possible to fall up instead of down?
LL: Maybe where there is no gravity. Actually, that word made me smile - "grave-ity" sounds so serious. So my second answer would be "Yes! Wherever you play, whenever you laugh, it's possible!"
Describe how you'd catch a dragonfly without hurting it.
LL: I'd likely write a poem about it. Capture it for a moment in time with my words.
Can you grow brain cells just by thinking you want to?
LL: Where there is a will, there is a way. And magic helps too.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Dinosaur Past
I've been thinking a lot about my little sister lately. I catch myself worrying about her, wondering how she's coping, if she's managing, how she's dealing with such change and uncertainty in her life. If she's able to laugh and play and find peace. If she even wants peace.
I found this poem that I wrote her last October. I found it amongst old pieces of my past - letters, pictures, mementos. I have one small box of my last 34 years. Is that enough? Should I carry more with me? Is that external substance going to give me more? Or is what I can carry in my heart enough. Is what fills my soul all that I need? I wrestle with this. I used to be someone that needed to keep everything, lest I forgot. I still forgot. I still found joy in the moment. So do I really need any of it?
And yet, this morning, when I cracked open the rubber maid container labeled "For Mike" I had this dizzy sense of unearthing me. Of being an archaeologist and rediscovering my old bones, my old skin, dusting off parts of me that I had forgotten. Is this a constructive exercise? Is this something that I need to do every few years? Or is this journey going to bring to surface my forgotten sadness, pain, anxiety, disgust? Am I ready for it? I wonder.
Anyhow - to Lisa - wherever you are. This is for you. And for me.
"I came to the mountains to heal me
to connect with nature
and find some strength in the trees
that have been standing for hundreds of years
buffeted by the winds of time
to find some peace in the mountains
who have softened and mellowed, rounded themselves
carved out by water and tears.
to remind myself that there is a cycle
of life
and that in there, somewhere, I fit. And so do you.
And that maybe with my inadequate hand
I can reach for you and you can grasp me."
-lml oct 2006
I found this poem that I wrote her last October. I found it amongst old pieces of my past - letters, pictures, mementos. I have one small box of my last 34 years. Is that enough? Should I carry more with me? Is that external substance going to give me more? Or is what I can carry in my heart enough. Is what fills my soul all that I need? I wrestle with this. I used to be someone that needed to keep everything, lest I forgot. I still forgot. I still found joy in the moment. So do I really need any of it?
And yet, this morning, when I cracked open the rubber maid container labeled "For Mike" I had this dizzy sense of unearthing me. Of being an archaeologist and rediscovering my old bones, my old skin, dusting off parts of me that I had forgotten. Is this a constructive exercise? Is this something that I need to do every few years? Or is this journey going to bring to surface my forgotten sadness, pain, anxiety, disgust? Am I ready for it? I wonder.
Anyhow - to Lisa - wherever you are. This is for you. And for me.
"I came to the mountains to heal me
to connect with nature
and find some strength in the trees
that have been standing for hundreds of years
buffeted by the winds of time
to find some peace in the mountains
who have softened and mellowed, rounded themselves
carved out by water and tears.
to remind myself that there is a cycle
of life
and that in there, somewhere, I fit. And so do you.
And that maybe with my inadequate hand
I can reach for you and you can grasp me."
-lml oct 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Feeling the Emotion
It's often difficult to remember, especially in the thick of feeling emotional, that it's healthy to accept emotion. To not judge yourself for feeling certain things. To just allow the emotion to exist, pay attention to the fact that it's there, acknowledge it gently. And give yourself the space to experience it, without judging yourself, pushing the feelings away, resisting, or fighting it.
When you can stop and let yourself feel your emotions, it often is exactly what is needed to help lift the urgency of the moment, the weight of those raw feelings, and allow them to flow through you and out into the universe.
I think Kahil Gibran summed it up quite eloquently.
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your head board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. So you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at a standstill and balanced."
When you can stop and let yourself feel your emotions, it often is exactly what is needed to help lift the urgency of the moment, the weight of those raw feelings, and allow them to flow through you and out into the universe.
I think Kahil Gibran summed it up quite eloquently.
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your head board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. So you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at a standstill and balanced."
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Who needs coffee?
Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Carl Jung
Carl Jung
Monday, March 27, 2006
Recipe for taking Big Bites
"To get the full flavor out of life, take big bites!"
How d'ya do it?
1. Take one bite of being asked to work on a cool project all weekend long (and it's still going on...)
2. Mix well with the MIND BLOWING sensual massage workshop that I experienced last night (OMG!)
3. Add a little adrenaline (ok, a lot of adrenaline... and a lot of coffee)
4. Blend in a fascinating week of exploring things that pushed me outside my comfort zone.
5. Sprinkle in some gorgeous friends and beautiful connections.
6. Don't forget a little taste of Spring and Sunshine!
Let it bubble for just a bit.
Et voila! : )
How d'ya do it?
1. Take one bite of being asked to work on a cool project all weekend long (and it's still going on...)
2. Mix well with the MIND BLOWING sensual massage workshop that I experienced last night (OMG!)
3. Add a little adrenaline (ok, a lot of adrenaline... and a lot of coffee)
4. Blend in a fascinating week of exploring things that pushed me outside my comfort zone.
5. Sprinkle in some gorgeous friends and beautiful connections.
6. Don't forget a little taste of Spring and Sunshine!
Let it bubble for just a bit.
Et voila! : )
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Bloom where you are planted
There can be beautiful possibility that comes from this difficult place; cherished memories, love, laughter, even. I hope that you can find it.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Powder Fix
Snowboarding in 5 feet of powder is an amazing feeling. It's soft, it makes turning sluggish, and it's a joy to crash on. The snow fell and fell and fell on Sunday, making our adventure on the slopes of Squaw Valley incredible! The hill was dead, there was hardly anyone there. The weather alternated between complete whiteouts, because the snow was falling so hard, and sunshine pouring on our faces. I had such a blast!!!!
I also got to visit some of my old stomping grounds - my family's cottage in Lake Tahoe, and my house in Tiburon (Marin County). Too cool to drive past places and yell "OMG, I used to... there. I played there. I went to school there. I remember a time when I... there." It was fun! : )
I also got to visit some of my old stomping grounds - my family's cottage in Lake Tahoe, and my house in Tiburon (Marin County). Too cool to drive past places and yell "OMG, I used to... there. I played there. I went to school there. I remember a time when I... there." It was fun! : )
Sunday, March 05, 2006
family and continuity
The only time that I have a powerful draw to have a child of my own is when I think of my father.
When I stop and think of my father getting older and his years winding down. When I think of him reflecting on his life, preparing himself for his passing, wondering what kind of legacy he's going to leave behind, what kind of footprint he's made on this world - I have a deep feeling that I want to have my own child.
That, in some way, I want to be able to demonstrate to him that he does have a legacy, that he did have an influence in his lifetime, that he gave me a great gift by being a force in my life, and that it's something I have not taken for granted. It's something I deeply acknowledge - in the same way that I throw my face into the wind and inhale - because I know that air is required to live.
I suspect that I will have a family of my own in my lifetime, but I don't know what it will look like. What shape it will take. Who it will be composed of. I don't think that it matters to me what my family will be. I simply know that I will have one. A patchwork quilt of people that will help to keep me warm and feeling loved. And with whom I can share myself.
I think that is something I want to share with my dad. That, while it may not be a nuclear family, while it may not be something that he is familiar with, I will have one. And in that simple way, I will continue a tradition that means so much to him. In my own way.
When I stop and think of my father getting older and his years winding down. When I think of him reflecting on his life, preparing himself for his passing, wondering what kind of legacy he's going to leave behind, what kind of footprint he's made on this world - I have a deep feeling that I want to have my own child.
That, in some way, I want to be able to demonstrate to him that he does have a legacy, that he did have an influence in his lifetime, that he gave me a great gift by being a force in my life, and that it's something I have not taken for granted. It's something I deeply acknowledge - in the same way that I throw my face into the wind and inhale - because I know that air is required to live.
I suspect that I will have a family of my own in my lifetime, but I don't know what it will look like. What shape it will take. Who it will be composed of. I don't think that it matters to me what my family will be. I simply know that I will have one. A patchwork quilt of people that will help to keep me warm and feeling loved. And with whom I can share myself.
I think that is something I want to share with my dad. That, while it may not be a nuclear family, while it may not be something that he is familiar with, I will have one. And in that simple way, I will continue a tradition that means so much to him. In my own way.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
indulgences :)
I had a moment this afternoon when I left work and I knew that no one knew where I was. No one knew where I was going, what I was doing. No one needed to check in on me. I had no obligations, no expectations. I didn't have to be anywhere at a certain time. I didn't tell someone I'd do something for them. I was totally on my own. And I realized that I *love* that feeling. I grinned like an idiot when I drove out of the parking garage. It was like a secret indulgence, totally guilt free and gorgeous. I turned my phone off. I bought myself a treat. I cranked up the tunes and sang at the top of my lungs.
I felt like I was free - to go anywhere, to do anything that I wanted, and to be ME.
I felt like I was free - to go anywhere, to do anything that I wanted, and to be ME.
Meh
I got my first flame last night. A (not so) anonymous person emailed me to say that s/he was bored of reading the same blog entry and wanted something new. S/he said to use "F$ck You" as a starting point. That it might spark some creative juices on my end, and help me write something.
Huh.
I don't do well with harassment. I am not someone who would ever sign up for the military. I kind of short circuit when I am forced to do something.
But... I am an Aries and I do like a challenge. ; )
Well, here I am, staring stupefied at a computer screen, blinking sleepily, wishing I had a steaming cup of strong, dark, black Sumatra in my hands.
"Alright let's think of something funny to post. A funny story. An anecdote from work."
"I'm too tired... I'm just not very funny at 6 am. I'd rather just crawl back into my warm bed."
"I'm not going to let go of this. We've been challenged. Can we write under pressure? Inquiring minds want to know."
"Bed. Sleep. Just call in sick and take the next two days off. You know you waaaant it!"
"Ha! Nice try. There is way too much going on. I have piles of work to do, and I'm booked solid with meetings for the next two days. Even if I had the time to take off, I couldn't. Plus, I want to file my taxes, clean up my room, water my plants..."
"You are too uptight! God, it's true! You are like Monica from friends. Life is meant to just be. Chillax a little. Spend some time with you. Pick up a good book, curl up by the fire, spoil yourself."
"Oh, shit, that's right. My book club! I need to get started on the book we selected. A Complicated Kindness. I'll have to go and buy it today."
"That's what weekends are for. I think you just need to pick one thing to do tonight, and leave the rest. You are cluttering up your mind."
"If I don't do these things, they won't get done. And it's not as if you are going to help me out. Just look at you, kicking back in your PJs, and playing on the computer. We have to get moving."
"I want coffee."
"We don't have coffee in the house. That's another thing I've got to get on the way home from work. Hm, we'll have to stop before we head to Oxford Station. Why don't they open a Bridgehead in Barrhaven, it would be so much more convenient?"
"Bed?"
"Nope, it's time to hit the showers, you lazy ass!"
... and look at that, here it is. : )
Huh.
I don't do well with harassment. I am not someone who would ever sign up for the military. I kind of short circuit when I am forced to do something.
But... I am an Aries and I do like a challenge. ; )
Well, here I am, staring stupefied at a computer screen, blinking sleepily, wishing I had a steaming cup of strong, dark, black Sumatra in my hands.
"Alright let's think of something funny to post. A funny story. An anecdote from work."
"I'm too tired... I'm just not very funny at 6 am. I'd rather just crawl back into my warm bed."
"I'm not going to let go of this. We've been challenged. Can we write under pressure? Inquiring minds want to know."
"Bed. Sleep. Just call in sick and take the next two days off. You know you waaaant it!"
"Ha! Nice try. There is way too much going on. I have piles of work to do, and I'm booked solid with meetings for the next two days. Even if I had the time to take off, I couldn't. Plus, I want to file my taxes, clean up my room, water my plants..."
"You are too uptight! God, it's true! You are like Monica from friends. Life is meant to just be. Chillax a little. Spend some time with you. Pick up a good book, curl up by the fire, spoil yourself."
"Oh, shit, that's right. My book club! I need to get started on the book we selected. A Complicated Kindness. I'll have to go and buy it today."
"That's what weekends are for. I think you just need to pick one thing to do tonight, and leave the rest. You are cluttering up your mind."
"If I don't do these things, they won't get done. And it's not as if you are going to help me out. Just look at you, kicking back in your PJs, and playing on the computer. We have to get moving."
"I want coffee."
"We don't have coffee in the house. That's another thing I've got to get on the way home from work. Hm, we'll have to stop before we head to Oxford Station. Why don't they open a Bridgehead in Barrhaven, it would be so much more convenient?"
"Bed?"
"Nope, it's time to hit the showers, you lazy ass!"
... and look at that, here it is. : )
Monday, February 20, 2006
Life
"Go now, while you can ... sail away ... enjoy the rope burn on your hands, and the occsasional splash of cold water in your face ... put your tired back muscles into the rudder and throw your face up to the sky and yell at the top of your lungs. "
-- JN
-- JN
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Thank you Shel Silverstein!
Perfect for a Saturday morning! : )
I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
--shel silverstein
I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
--shel silverstein
Thursday, February 16, 2006
great ideas
I had all these grandiose ideas of coming up with a powerful creative blog entry. I felt inspired. I wanted to write something witty and provocative and thought-provoking. But I am completely empty.
Instead I thought I'd just comment about how gorgeous the snowflakes look right now, as they fall from the sky. Life is good, even when it's blustery. Sometimes I forget that.
Instead I thought I'd just comment about how gorgeous the snowflakes look right now, as they fall from the sky. Life is good, even when it's blustery. Sometimes I forget that.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Thinking about love
I saw these lyrics from a John Lennon song. I am not sure if I agree with them.
What do you think? Do you agree? On one hand, I see the value in loving. I think it's a gift to be able to love, and I think that it is a gift to receive love. I think it is fundamentally what all people want in their lives.
But are all loves equal? Does it matter if they are?
Happy Love Day!
It matters not
who you love,
where you love,
why you love,
when you love,
or how you love,
It matters only
that You love.
~ John Lennon
What do you think? Do you agree? On one hand, I see the value in loving. I think it's a gift to be able to love, and I think that it is a gift to receive love. I think it is fundamentally what all people want in their lives.
But are all loves equal? Does it matter if they are?
Happy Love Day!
It matters not
who you love,
where you love,
why you love,
when you love,
or how you love,
It matters only
that You love.
~ John Lennon
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Pause for thought
Here's an excerpt from "The Feeling Buddha", a lovely gift I got from Sue.
"Many of the important things we learn the hard way. Looking back, I can see that the times of adversity have each taught me something which has given my life extra quality and depth, even though, at the time I did not always welcome these challenges.
...
Often what we learn from the experience of a less than comfortable life is compassion and kindness.
...
When we experience obstacles and hardship, it can go either way with us. We may become bitter and alienated or we may grow as people. Experience broadens us. Difficult experiences challenge us. A person who has always lived in their own country, for instance, may not know what it is like to be a refugee or a member of an ethnic minority.
...
I believe that the Buddha's intention was to show us how to be enlightened rather than defeated by all the various situations of life. Affliction we will assuredly meet. He wanted us to meet it well. "
I think that last sentence sums things up quite vividly for me. We will meet affliction/adversity along this journey of life. You can't escape from that. But you can choose HOW you want to meet it.
I keep thinking that I would like to meet it well, that I would like to find that strength and enlightenment inside of myself. I am learning now that it's not so easy. But it is there. : )
"Many of the important things we learn the hard way. Looking back, I can see that the times of adversity have each taught me something which has given my life extra quality and depth, even though, at the time I did not always welcome these challenges.
...
Often what we learn from the experience of a less than comfortable life is compassion and kindness.
...
When we experience obstacles and hardship, it can go either way with us. We may become bitter and alienated or we may grow as people. Experience broadens us. Difficult experiences challenge us. A person who has always lived in their own country, for instance, may not know what it is like to be a refugee or a member of an ethnic minority.
...
I believe that the Buddha's intention was to show us how to be enlightened rather than defeated by all the various situations of life. Affliction we will assuredly meet. He wanted us to meet it well. "
I think that last sentence sums things up quite vividly for me. We will meet affliction/adversity along this journey of life. You can't escape from that. But you can choose HOW you want to meet it.
I keep thinking that I would like to meet it well, that I would like to find that strength and enlightenment inside of myself. I am learning now that it's not so easy. But it is there. : )
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Ouch! and Ahh!
I get migraines. I've been getting them since I've been about 11. I went through periods of time where I would have sometimes up to 20-25 migraines a month.
They are usually triggered by stress. Often during times of emotional struggling.
Migraines are different for everyone. Mine start off with this feeling like something isn't quite right. Sometimes my thinking becomes fuzzy, my mood changes, or it's like a sixth sense of sorts, I just feel off. Then I'll catch a glimpse of something in my field of vision. A small speck. A pulsating movement. It's an aura. The small circle, jagged lines, sharp edges, bold geometric shapes, and vibrant colors begins to expand outward. The circle opens up and widens, expanding, pulsating, vibrating intensely, until it covers my entire field of vision on one side of my head.
For example, if I were to look at you when my aura is full-on, half of you would disappear in a blurry, fuzzy, opaque cloud. Oftentimes with the aura comes intense nausea. It takes about a half an hour for the aura to disappear, and then, on the opposite side of my head to where the aura occurred, I get the headache, sensitivity to light and noise, pain, and a desire to sink into a deep dark sleep for a long while.
I am so fascinated by my auras. They are immensely beautiful! The most brilliant colors and designs and shapes. Vibrant blues and yellows and reds. Most of my abstract art fascination stems from what I've seen in my own mind. I have always wished that some day I would be able to draw what I experience.
While I was doing some reading online, I found this cool site - finally someone was able to capture what it looks like to get an aura - how it affects your field of vision, and how cool it is to see one.
Take a peek, if you are interested!
http://www.migraine-aura.org/EN/Delia_Malchert.html
the fourth picture on her site shows an aura that moves... that's probably the most realistic depiction that describes what I see. Except mine are in color and have more geometric shapes like triangles and squares embedded in the lines.
They are usually triggered by stress. Often during times of emotional struggling.
Migraines are different for everyone. Mine start off with this feeling like something isn't quite right. Sometimes my thinking becomes fuzzy, my mood changes, or it's like a sixth sense of sorts, I just feel off. Then I'll catch a glimpse of something in my field of vision. A small speck. A pulsating movement. It's an aura. The small circle, jagged lines, sharp edges, bold geometric shapes, and vibrant colors begins to expand outward. The circle opens up and widens, expanding, pulsating, vibrating intensely, until it covers my entire field of vision on one side of my head.
For example, if I were to look at you when my aura is full-on, half of you would disappear in a blurry, fuzzy, opaque cloud. Oftentimes with the aura comes intense nausea. It takes about a half an hour for the aura to disappear, and then, on the opposite side of my head to where the aura occurred, I get the headache, sensitivity to light and noise, pain, and a desire to sink into a deep dark sleep for a long while.
I am so fascinated by my auras. They are immensely beautiful! The most brilliant colors and designs and shapes. Vibrant blues and yellows and reds. Most of my abstract art fascination stems from what I've seen in my own mind. I have always wished that some day I would be able to draw what I experience.
While I was doing some reading online, I found this cool site - finally someone was able to capture what it looks like to get an aura - how it affects your field of vision, and how cool it is to see one.
Take a peek, if you are interested!
http://www.migraine-aura.org/EN/Delia_Malchert.html
the fourth picture on her site shows an aura that moves... that's probably the most realistic depiction that describes what I see. Except mine are in color and have more geometric shapes like triangles and squares embedded in the lines.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Snowboarding
I’ve had only 2 snowboarding lessons so far. The third one is tonight.
There seems to be a life lesson imbedded in learning how to turn. Last week, I had such difficulties making turns. I’d start to turn, feel terrified of picking up too much speed, face away from the bottom of the hill, and then have a terrible time forcing my body to move in a direction it didn’t want to go. It took everything I had to swing myself around to change directions. I had to force every muscle in my stomach and back to respond in a way that they didn’t want to. I'd end up riding straight into the treeline of the slope, or I'd crash. Again and again. Resisting.
It wasn’t until I totally committed to going down the hill. Let myself accept that it was the direction that I had to go in, and enjoy the thrill of the speed that I picked up, that I was able to turn effortlessly. I just remember flinging my arms wide open as I started speeding down the hill, and I felt my body ease naturally into a sloping turn.
Snowboarding and life lessons? Maybe a bit of a stretch... but I am enjoying the ride. : )
There seems to be a life lesson imbedded in learning how to turn. Last week, I had such difficulties making turns. I’d start to turn, feel terrified of picking up too much speed, face away from the bottom of the hill, and then have a terrible time forcing my body to move in a direction it didn’t want to go. It took everything I had to swing myself around to change directions. I had to force every muscle in my stomach and back to respond in a way that they didn’t want to. I'd end up riding straight into the treeline of the slope, or I'd crash. Again and again. Resisting.
It wasn’t until I totally committed to going down the hill. Let myself accept that it was the direction that I had to go in, and enjoy the thrill of the speed that I picked up, that I was able to turn effortlessly. I just remember flinging my arms wide open as I started speeding down the hill, and I felt my body ease naturally into a sloping turn.
Snowboarding and life lessons? Maybe a bit of a stretch... but I am enjoying the ride. : )
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Not Enough
"And when they say, you're not that strong.
You're not that weak.
It's not your fault.
And when you climb, up to your hell.
Up to that place.
I hope you're well."
- "Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace
You're not that weak.
It's not your fault.
And when you climb, up to your hell.
Up to that place.
I hope you're well."
- "Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace
Monday, January 16, 2006
Laughter
I spent some time with my sisters this weekend. We got on the subject of people's perceptions of others and how they often differ from a person's own sense of self. One of my sisters mentioned that people see her as being very serious, cool, professional. And that she doesn't see herself that way at all. We reflected on that for a minute, and then she turned to me. "You aren't like that. You laugh all the time." I laughed (naturally) and said, "Yes, I do. I love to laugh."
She asked me what it was that I found funny. As if there was something she was missing out on. Some formula or logic to it. I just shrugged and said "I laugh at everything. Life makes me laugh."
And it does. I can't tell you why I laugh. I just do. I think it's all there for the taking, sometimes you just need to let go. Find your inner silly switch, pretend you are 5 years old and happy, and marvel at all the joy there is in life. I definitely have a silly switch, and I like it when it's turned ON! ; )
She asked me what it was that I found funny. As if there was something she was missing out on. Some formula or logic to it. I just shrugged and said "I laugh at everything. Life makes me laugh."
And it does. I can't tell you why I laugh. I just do. I think it's all there for the taking, sometimes you just need to let go. Find your inner silly switch, pretend you are 5 years old and happy, and marvel at all the joy there is in life. I definitely have a silly switch, and I like it when it's turned ON! ; )
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Unspoken
There are times when I can't speak about things, but the words still want to come out. I can't look at someone in the eyes, but everything in my heart is there.
If I could, I'd tell you all this. And maybe you can feel it when I hug you. I hope I find my voice soon, because you need to know this.
unspoken
what happened to your spirit?
where is your soul?
i find you alone and trapped in your darkness
can you see my light?
can you see my outstretched hand?
I am here, I am not much to look at, but I am here.
I can be a friend and a guide.
I can show you about love, about how to find your smile.
Where did your smile go?
your body is cold, there is warmth in my arms.
my hands can be gentle
you need to be touched so carefully
your wounded heart is beating so softly
I don't know how to reach you
where is the girl i met a few years ago?
with laughter in her eyes
and a lightness about her?
painted black, you find comfort in the dark.
the anger speaks to you and comforts you
there are colors in the world
i want to help you fill your shadows with color
draw outside the lines
--lml jan 5/06
If I could, I'd tell you all this. And maybe you can feel it when I hug you. I hope I find my voice soon, because you need to know this.
unspoken
what happened to your spirit?
where is your soul?
i find you alone and trapped in your darkness
can you see my light?
can you see my outstretched hand?
I am here, I am not much to look at, but I am here.
I can be a friend and a guide.
I can show you about love, about how to find your smile.
Where did your smile go?
your body is cold, there is warmth in my arms.
my hands can be gentle
you need to be touched so carefully
your wounded heart is beating so softly
I don't know how to reach you
where is the girl i met a few years ago?
with laughter in her eyes
and a lightness about her?
painted black, you find comfort in the dark.
the anger speaks to you and comforts you
there are colors in the world
i want to help you fill your shadows with color
draw outside the lines
--lml jan 5/06
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