happy friday, now get to work!

I feel like there is sooooo much to do and so little time. Where does time go? I have strong urges to do the following....

* pound out on my new headache bag
* learn to skip rope like boxers
* run to work
* get a tune up for my yellow Rocky Mtn bike, that's been dismantled and neglected for two years now, so I can ride to work
* draw the picture of Alcatraz that's inspired me
* paint the aforementioned picture on one of my cool new canvases
* learn to play Lovers in a Dangerous Time or Running to Stand Still on my guitar
* call my Aunt Edith, whom I've neglected for a year now. *gulp*
* go and splurge on a spa afternoon with my roomie and get my toenails painted for spring
* read the 5 books that I've started and that are on the night table beside my bed
* see the following movies History of Violence; Bakarat; Paradise Now; Harry Potter; Chronicles of Narnia; Ice Age...
* get into shape!!!!
* work on my drawing (practice, practice, practice)
* get together with some long lost buddies whom I haven't seen in a while
* pick up my HD and mod it so that I can stream music to my Xbox

Phew! And that's my short list. : )

I don't seem to get to any of them in a day. Why is that? I think I am fairly efficient with my time and energy. But maybe I need to book myself one hour "me" slots, and see if I can capitalize on that time.

Gotta go. Lots to do, and so little time!

things happen for a reason

I am a firm believer in this mantra. I don't know whether it's my optimism - making a point to look for the positive growth experiences and opportunities that come with difficult times and events - or whether it's a fundamental and universal truth. But this speaks to me so strongly.

Knowing that things happen for a reason forces me to pause, during difficult and emotional times, and ask myself what can come from this? It gives me space to take a look around me, at a time when you tend to be completely self-absorbed and consumed with the turmoil going on within, to see if there are doors, once locked and bolted, or just unseen to me, that now stand open and welcoming. It encourages me to listen to my instincts, pay attention to how I am feeling, and acknowledge my fears and emotions as being real. Like giving an accepting and warm hug to my soul.

I still strive to do the best that I can in the situation, but a part of me can relax and see where I will end up. No one knows, no one can predict the future, and it feels comforting to think of things in a positive way; see the world in a hopeful light.

Perhaps my belief in this mantra is no different from any other form of religion - a need to have faith in something that is intangible, which promises you that things will work out for the best at another time (the afterlife?). And does it matter if that's the case? If I open myself up to the Universe and let things evolve the way they will? Am I being blind?

"Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

insomnia?

Uh, oh....

I think I jinxed myself. I was feeling rather pleased with myself that I have this gorgeous gift (I *do* know it's a gift) to sleep well at night. To sleep anywhere, actually.

I had a very jam packed Thursday to Sunday - which involved a lot of travel, some emotional heaviness, and a heck of a lot of fun. As I drove back from Montreal, I was thinking about how sleepy I was, how much I was looking forward to crawling into my bed and having that gorgeous last big deep inhalation before I let all the days go, before I sank into a sweet, blissful state.

I got home, ran a few errands, did a couple of loads of laundry, put all my clothes away (like a good girl), got caught up on work email, wrote a couple of letters to friends and family members, got some new tunes, made a few CDs, opened up mail, made a few phone calls, and actually snuggled up in bed with a book for an hour...

... and it's now midnight, and I am not in the least bit tired! I don't feel stressed... I have no worries on my mind. My body feels sleepy. But I've got this buzz going.... my mind feels a little like it's winding UP for something. Huh.

I really really hope I didn't jinx myself.
I'm thinking I'll just hop back into bed, curl up with my book, and crash hard.
Here's to hoping! : )

(How's this for a blog post about absolutely nothing!? Not bad, eh?)

Horoscope Questions

I read my Free Will Horoscope for this week. It asked a whole interesting whack of questions, which I felt inspired to answer.

Aries
When I was a kid, I read Highlights magazine. My favorite feature was the section that asked Zen-like questions like "Can you laugh and cry at the same time?" or "If you were a talking parrot, what words would you want to learn?" For this week's horoscope, I've borrowed the spirit of that old source of inspiration. May the following passage incite your raw wonder and feral innocence. What's more beautiful, the smell of an orange or the sight of a green hill in spring? Under what circumstances might you eat dessert before the main course? Have you ever seen a statue wink? Is it possible to fall up instead of down? Describe how you'd catch a dragonfly without hurting it. Tell a story that's half-true and half-lies. Can you grow brain cells just by thinking you want to?

What's more beautiful, the smell of an orange or the sight of a green hill in spring?
LL: For me, the sight of a green hill triggers feelings of renewal. Of playfulness. Of natural sanctuaries. Of peace.

Under what circumstances might you eat dessert before the main course?
LL: All circumstances! Life is way too short! : )

Have you ever seen a statue wink?
LL: I can't honestly say that I haven't. But I'll be sure to keep my eyes open in case it happens.

Is it possible to fall up instead of down?
LL: Maybe where there is no gravity. Actually, that word made me smile - "grave-ity" sounds so serious. So my second answer would be "Yes! Wherever you play, whenever you laugh, it's possible!"

Describe how you'd catch a dragonfly without hurting it.
LL: I'd likely write a poem about it. Capture it for a moment in time with my words.

Can you grow brain cells just by thinking you want to?
LL: Where there is a will, there is a way. And magic helps too.

Dinosaur Past

I've been thinking a lot about my little sister lately. I catch myself worrying about her, wondering how she's coping, if she's managing, how she's dealing with such change and uncertainty in her life. If she's able to laugh and play and find peace. If she even wants peace.

I found this poem that I wrote her last October. I found it amongst old pieces of my past - letters, pictures, mementos. I have one small box of my last 34 years. Is that enough? Should I carry more with me? Is that external substance going to give me more? Or is what I can carry in my heart enough. Is what fills my soul all that I need? I wrestle with this. I used to be someone that needed to keep everything, lest I forgot. I still forgot. I still found joy in the moment. So do I really need any of it?

And yet, this morning, when I cracked open the rubber maid container labeled "For Mike" I had this dizzy sense of unearthing me. Of being an archaeologist and rediscovering my old bones, my old skin, dusting off parts of me that I had forgotten. Is this a constructive exercise? Is this something that I need to do every few years? Or is this journey going to bring to surface my forgotten sadness, pain, anxiety, disgust? Am I ready for it? I wonder.

Anyhow - to Lisa - wherever you are. This is for you. And for me.

"I came to the mountains to heal me
to connect with nature
and find some strength in the trees
that have been standing for hundreds of years
buffeted by the winds of time
to find some peace in the mountains
who have softened and mellowed, rounded themselves
carved out by water and tears.
to remind myself that there is a cycle
of life
and that in there, somewhere, I fit. And so do you.
And that maybe with my inadequate hand
I can reach for you and you can grasp me."

-lml oct 2006

Feeling the Emotion

It's often difficult to remember, especially in the thick of feeling emotional, that it's healthy to accept emotion. To not judge yourself for feeling certain things. To just allow the emotion to exist, pay attention to the fact that it's there, acknowledge it gently. And give yourself the space to experience it, without judging yourself, pushing the feelings away, resisting, or fighting it.

When you can stop and let yourself feel your emotions, it often is exactly what is needed to help lift the urgency of the moment, the weight of those raw feelings, and allow them to flow through you and out into the universe.

I think Kahil Gibran summed it up quite eloquently.

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your head board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. So you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at a standstill and balanced."

Who needs coffee?

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.

Carl Jung