Sunday, July 23, 2006
A thought about Now
The satiation of being present, of being in the moment, of experiencing now feeds my soul and feeds my energy.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Sometimes this is easy to forget....
I had a blue moment this morning. It didn't last very long, but it was one of those moments where I feel disconnected from all my friends.
I realized that when I am emotional - for whatever reason - and experiencing sadness - I become emotionally needy. I feel immediately forgotten, which I know is not real, and I feel like I am all alone. That somehow, in some parallel universe, I am living a life without friends or connections. That the connections I have, which generally come so effortlessly to me, are lost. Like someone is stepping on the wires. And the energy I get when I am in contact with people close to me feels broken off, faded, rusted. I feel like I want to be remembered. To be touched.
And, usually, it's at these moments that I find slivers of inspiration. Reminders that I am alone. That I do walk my journey of life alone. And that I have been incredibly enriched and blessed with friends, that they fill my life with laughter and love. But that I do not need them to be whole or happy.
"The best day of your life is the one
on which you decide your life is your own.
No apologies or excuses.
No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.
The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey -
and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.
This is the day your life really begins."
-Anonymous
I realized that when I am emotional - for whatever reason - and experiencing sadness - I become emotionally needy. I feel immediately forgotten, which I know is not real, and I feel like I am all alone. That somehow, in some parallel universe, I am living a life without friends or connections. That the connections I have, which generally come so effortlessly to me, are lost. Like someone is stepping on the wires. And the energy I get when I am in contact with people close to me feels broken off, faded, rusted. I feel like I want to be remembered. To be touched.
And, usually, it's at these moments that I find slivers of inspiration. Reminders that I am alone. That I do walk my journey of life alone. And that I have been incredibly enriched and blessed with friends, that they fill my life with laughter and love. But that I do not need them to be whole or happy.
"The best day of your life is the one
on which you decide your life is your own.
No apologies or excuses.
No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.
The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey -
and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.
This is the day your life really begins."
-Anonymous
Monday, July 10, 2006
Creative Hiccups
I spent a few minutes capturing some thoughts tonight about this whole artistic
process that I am exploring.
I enjoy losing myself in the creation of something. I love spending hours just drawing something that I see, that I like, that I want to capture. And the process is pure pleasure. Focus, losing myself in the moment, letting go of everything.
What surprises me, much like when I catch a glimpse of myself in a glass when I walk by a storefront or see my face in a mirror, is that I am totally caught off guard. What I see is not what I'd envisioned. I see something that is unexpected. Something that seems somehow wrong.
The picture, the drawing, when held against the original photo, is all askew. Disproportionate, unconnected, misshapen. It's at that moment that I become uncomfortable. I feel worthless, why was I even bothering to try and draw? I can't do this!, and I feel shy and vulnerable. And very embarrassed.
Have I measured this drawing against something that isn't there? Have I expected too much from myself? Did I expect that I would somehow get it right? That it would just flow? Am I afraid to simply put in the time and effort to do this, practice this, over and over?
Do I even have it in me to be persistent enough? To be creative?
process that I am exploring.
I enjoy losing myself in the creation of something. I love spending hours just drawing something that I see, that I like, that I want to capture. And the process is pure pleasure. Focus, losing myself in the moment, letting go of everything.
What surprises me, much like when I catch a glimpse of myself in a glass when I walk by a storefront or see my face in a mirror, is that I am totally caught off guard. What I see is not what I'd envisioned. I see something that is unexpected. Something that seems somehow wrong.
The picture, the drawing, when held against the original photo, is all askew. Disproportionate, unconnected, misshapen. It's at that moment that I become uncomfortable. I feel worthless, why was I even bothering to try and draw? I can't do this!, and I feel shy and vulnerable. And very embarrassed.
Have I measured this drawing against something that isn't there? Have I expected too much from myself? Did I expect that I would somehow get it right? That it would just flow? Am I afraid to simply put in the time and effort to do this, practice this, over and over?
Do I even have it in me to be persistent enough? To be creative?
Monday, July 03, 2006
The Worlds Within
Well, tonight I feel compelled to write. I am feeling creative and inspired. Feeling like I want to draw and write. I want to learn to draw figure studies - male and female nudes. I want to write a short story. I even have the opening lines for my story. I want to travel the world. I want to drop everything I have, everything I know, and take off and travel the world. I want to be bold and daring. Be free. Be interesting. Be open to everything around me.
I am struggling with having these feelings. I am worried that I want to flee because I am dissatisfied with something in my life right now? What could I be dissatisfied with? Where do I begin to make changes that will give me that kind of outlet - that will inspire me, help me feel like I am exploring new parts of me.
Where can I go to fill myself - fill those parts of me that are hungry?
And yet, here I am sitting here on my couch, eating pretzels, watching Friends, and surfing with my laptop. Do I just expect all of this to just happen to me? That my doorbell is going to ring and suddenly I'll be transported to another universe and that art and magic is going to surround me and fill my senses? That I'll be exposed to new and interesting people? That I'll begin to explore myself and my sense of self in different ways?
How do I start to create it? To have all of that infiltrate my world, as it is now? Without escaping?
I am struggling with having these feelings. I am worried that I want to flee because I am dissatisfied with something in my life right now? What could I be dissatisfied with? Where do I begin to make changes that will give me that kind of outlet - that will inspire me, help me feel like I am exploring new parts of me.
Where can I go to fill myself - fill those parts of me that are hungry?
And yet, here I am sitting here on my couch, eating pretzels, watching Friends, and surfing with my laptop. Do I just expect all of this to just happen to me? That my doorbell is going to ring and suddenly I'll be transported to another universe and that art and magic is going to surround me and fill my senses? That I'll be exposed to new and interesting people? That I'll begin to explore myself and my sense of self in different ways?
How do I start to create it? To have all of that infiltrate my world, as it is now? Without escaping?
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