shedding my skin

It's been an interesting week. I learned some things from my past that have shed new light on this journey of mine. Re-opened wounds, and started new healing. I see myself in a different way, like I am looking through old pictures, and finding clues about myself and me. It's both frightening and wonderful, to travel along old roads, walk routes that were well-worn and exhausting, and be given gifts of shade, water, and sunshine, to ease my travels. Beautiful gifts, that leave me feeling awed and raw.

massage therapy?

He pressed his elbow, deep into my muscle.
Ripping the scar tissue from my ligament.
His long, sweeping movement brought the eruption of hot liquid.
Scalding my body, as the fibers burned.
Inflamed and angry, they fought his attempts to release them;
To tear them away from the familiar hold that they had on my band.
And as he spoke, I felt my past surface.
The patterns that I had been holding onto, eased.
And in that moment of intense pain, I realized how much my body remembered.
How much was inside of me; holding on tenaciously.
Stirring the very fibers of my being, I felt myself give into the sensation that my history starts right now.

--lml aug 17/06

Creepy Creepy

Where do nightmares come from? I went to sleep last night and had the scariest dream/nightmare I've had in a long time.

I won't go into details, because as I sit here at 5 am in my office, I am freaked out even thinking about it. I decided that I am not going back to bed, and I was scared to even make my way to the kitchen, because the lights are off in the house. The gist of it was that my cousin was a murdering psycho and was killing off everyone in the house - I remember distinctly that she killed 3 adults and 1 child. I knew she was coming after me, and I knew that I had to try and save everyone, and I couldn't. I knew that if I could just catch her in the process, I would be able to stop her. I could overpower her or surprise her or make her stop. But I could never catch her in the process.

And she seemed to always be there, sneaking up on me, startling me, and showing me what she had done. I couldn't seem to get away. I couldn't turn the lights on brighter, they were always dimly lit. Just enough light that I could only see shadows. And so that I had to strain to see if it was her silhouette or shadow in the doorway or whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. And she was sick. She'd throw her blonde hair back and just laugh. The visuals are still jarring me. Ugh.

Maybe it was the Stephen King book I read before falling asleep, or maybe it was the piece of pizza that I ate. But I've read horror books my entire life, murder mysteries, sci fi, thrillers, and they've never bothered me before. So where did this come from? What the heck is my subconscious trying to tell me?

I tell you, this is one morning that I am so happy that my house is filled with warm, fuzzy cats, and a friend. I am tempted to crawl into bed with her and get some cuddles, but I am too damned scared!