I like this! : )
"Would you rather eat an apple or understand it?
Either is better than being frightened by an apple.
It is the same with life - better to experience it." - Henry Palmer
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Musings from a Sanctuary
Journal entry from my divine weekend away...
I am here on a dock, not a foot from Lake Gilmour. At the home of some of my parents' friends. The sun is hot, it's almost noon, and I can feel the heat beneath my black bathing suit. Against my skin.
The lake is like liquid glass. Perfectly crafted. Reflecting the bold splashed of color - autumn touching the treetops and bushes with its kiss of red and orange.
Time to change my pen color, like how everything changes. And how I am learning to want change. To accept change. And to let myself go - see where the changes take me. It's always there - change - like the gentle lapping of the lake against the dock I sit on. Always moving. And I find that it's in a place of fear, of not wanting to something to change, that many people find themselves stuck.
I can feel some big changes underfoot for me, over the horizon, but I am determined NOT to play them out in my head. Not to imagine what it will be like, because I think that if I do, I'll be creating a vision of something that is not real. Perhaps attaching myself to that vision. And perhaps, more importantly, missing the doors that will open or opportunities that will come about, because I am not paying attention.
And that is what I want to do. Pay attention. To right now. To the heat on my body, the water splashing beside me, the wasp that landed on my leg, the cawing in the sky above me, the whirring of wings as the dragonflies skim by me, the sound of voices rising and falling, a distant purr of a motor. I think this is where all my answers are.
I like this passage. I like it's message - about deadening a relationship with dishonesty. It's probably the closest description of how I felt after being with Mike for so long - when I didn't make the choices to be myself. It conversely also captures how I feel today. And what I think I've been able to experience in my friendship with Jack. The success of being myself with him.
"Any time we begin to withhold our truth, on any level, no matter how small or subtle, we begin to block the life force coming through us and we begin to deaden ourselves and our relationships. The sexual energy, among everything else, diminishes. That is what often happens in long-term relationships.
It is very difficult to stay truly honest with ourselves and with each other in every moment. It's the nature of human beings to try and please the other person, which means that we don't want to show them the parts of ourselves that are undesirable. We also want security, so we are afraid to risk revealing something that could threaten the relationship. There's a subtle level at which we withhold truth.
To whatever degree we withhold truths, there is a corresponding level of energy dying in the relationship."
To which I add - the relationship with MYSELF as much as with anyone else.
I am here on a dock, not a foot from Lake Gilmour. At the home of some of my parents' friends. The sun is hot, it's almost noon, and I can feel the heat beneath my black bathing suit. Against my skin.
The lake is like liquid glass. Perfectly crafted. Reflecting the bold splashed of color - autumn touching the treetops and bushes with its kiss of red and orange.
Time to change my pen color, like how everything changes. And how I am learning to want change. To accept change. And to let myself go - see where the changes take me. It's always there - change - like the gentle lapping of the lake against the dock I sit on. Always moving. And I find that it's in a place of fear, of not wanting to something to change, that many people find themselves stuck.
I can feel some big changes underfoot for me, over the horizon, but I am determined NOT to play them out in my head. Not to imagine what it will be like, because I think that if I do, I'll be creating a vision of something that is not real. Perhaps attaching myself to that vision. And perhaps, more importantly, missing the doors that will open or opportunities that will come about, because I am not paying attention.
And that is what I want to do. Pay attention. To right now. To the heat on my body, the water splashing beside me, the wasp that landed on my leg, the cawing in the sky above me, the whirring of wings as the dragonflies skim by me, the sound of voices rising and falling, a distant purr of a motor. I think this is where all my answers are.
I like this passage. I like it's message - about deadening a relationship with dishonesty. It's probably the closest description of how I felt after being with Mike for so long - when I didn't make the choices to be myself. It conversely also captures how I feel today. And what I think I've been able to experience in my friendship with Jack. The success of being myself with him.
"Any time we begin to withhold our truth, on any level, no matter how small or subtle, we begin to block the life force coming through us and we begin to deaden ourselves and our relationships. The sexual energy, among everything else, diminishes. That is what often happens in long-term relationships.
It is very difficult to stay truly honest with ourselves and with each other in every moment. It's the nature of human beings to try and please the other person, which means that we don't want to show them the parts of ourselves that are undesirable. We also want security, so we are afraid to risk revealing something that could threaten the relationship. There's a subtle level at which we withhold truth.
To whatever degree we withhold truths, there is a corresponding level of energy dying in the relationship."
To which I add - the relationship with MYSELF as much as with anyone else.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Having trouble letting go... and yet learning so much in the process.
As a result of some news a few weeks ago, I've been drawn to re-reading old emails and letters and journal entries and thoughts from years ago.
I clearly am having trouble letting go of the past. But I am giving myself some space to do this. I know it will come, and I am trying to be patient during this process. And let myself be curious about the past and the person I was - even if I am filled with disgust and I cringe when I read how controlling, threatened, needy, and insecure I was. Ugh.
One of the positive things that I discovered was a series of poetry that I wrote... words which came to me when I needed strength, when I needed courage, when I was at my darkest. It is *comforting* to realize that I had the capacity to change... even back then when I hated myself the most... I just didn't listen to my desires.
And the cool thing is that now I am trying to do that. : )
My present me lies balanced precariously
on the edge of my past
Stepping forward and upward
toward my future
Rocking dangerously over the end
Stabilizing a pathway
that leads to the unknown
- April 1998
Melancholy
There are times
When I immerse myself in melancholy
Without warning,
Irresistably.
Like slipping in to a lake, naked
Feeling the cold fingers wrap around my skin.
Like a presence at my throat, tightening.
Making it difficult to swallow.
Like wind stinging my eyes, fiercly,
Until tears spring forward in retaliation.
- July 8, 1998
I am letting go of my past;
It's ripping off old skin.
So I bleed a little at a time
And I realize how glad I am
At not having to shed it all at once.
- 1998
Age
How old do you have to be
Before you can love yourself
Completely and wholly?
Know your faults and your shortcomings
But also know your beauty
And embrace yourself
And tell yourself
You can do anything...
...and watch as you can.
- Jan 28, 1999
Kaleidoscope
Jagged edges of color and pattern
Come together to create form and rhythm
The known is comfortable.
A twist of the wrist
And our lives are jumbled and broken
Angles shift and reorganize
I am disoriented.
Somewhere in the new design
Are familiar pieces of our old selves.
A new future, a new construction.
Will it be the same?
- July 15, 2002
In Places
My edges are worn through
The tarnish is showing
I've been rubbed raw in places
Innocence, joy, naivety, enthusiasm
Make way for a new cynical and jaded me
As if a rough thumb caressed me
Down to the bone
Revealing a darkness, in places.
- December 2003
I clearly am having trouble letting go of the past. But I am giving myself some space to do this. I know it will come, and I am trying to be patient during this process. And let myself be curious about the past and the person I was - even if I am filled with disgust and I cringe when I read how controlling, threatened, needy, and insecure I was. Ugh.
One of the positive things that I discovered was a series of poetry that I wrote... words which came to me when I needed strength, when I needed courage, when I was at my darkest. It is *comforting* to realize that I had the capacity to change... even back then when I hated myself the most... I just didn't listen to my desires.
And the cool thing is that now I am trying to do that. : )
My present me lies balanced precariously
on the edge of my past
Stepping forward and upward
toward my future
Rocking dangerously over the end
Stabilizing a pathway
that leads to the unknown
- April 1998
Melancholy
There are times
When I immerse myself in melancholy
Without warning,
Irresistably.
Like slipping in to a lake, naked
Feeling the cold fingers wrap around my skin.
Like a presence at my throat, tightening.
Making it difficult to swallow.
Like wind stinging my eyes, fiercly,
Until tears spring forward in retaliation.
- July 8, 1998
I am letting go of my past;
It's ripping off old skin.
So I bleed a little at a time
And I realize how glad I am
At not having to shed it all at once.
- 1998
Age
How old do you have to be
Before you can love yourself
Completely and wholly?
Know your faults and your shortcomings
But also know your beauty
And embrace yourself
And tell yourself
You can do anything...
...and watch as you can.
- Jan 28, 1999
Kaleidoscope
Jagged edges of color and pattern
Come together to create form and rhythm
The known is comfortable.
A twist of the wrist
And our lives are jumbled and broken
Angles shift and reorganize
I am disoriented.
Somewhere in the new design
Are familiar pieces of our old selves.
A new future, a new construction.
Will it be the same?
- July 15, 2002
In Places
My edges are worn through
The tarnish is showing
I've been rubbed raw in places
Innocence, joy, naivety, enthusiasm
Make way for a new cynical and jaded me
As if a rough thumb caressed me
Down to the bone
Revealing a darkness, in places.
- December 2003
Friday, September 08, 2006
Absolutely Emu-sing
It could have been because I was a bit punchy...
I had a rough day at work yesterday. Our company laid off a number of employees and while I was fortunate to be unaffected, the emotions were running high throughout the day.
Or
It could have been because the target of crackpots (ME) that they were marketing was totally bang on...
... But I couldn't stop laughing when I read the label on the Four Emus Shiraz bottle. http://www.fouremus.com.au/flashus.html
I hadn't even started drinking, and Bruce "Deranged but thoughtful, for the 2 seconds any emu can hold onto one thought" had me in stitches.
Thanks for the giggles! : )
I am looking forward to meeting the other 3.... ; )
I had a rough day at work yesterday. Our company laid off a number of employees and while I was fortunate to be unaffected, the emotions were running high throughout the day.
Or
It could have been because the target of crackpots (ME) that they were marketing was totally bang on...
... But I couldn't stop laughing when I read the label on the Four Emus Shiraz bottle. http://www.fouremus.com.au/flashus.html
I hadn't even started drinking, and Bruce "Deranged but thoughtful, for the 2 seconds any emu can hold onto one thought" had me in stitches.
Thanks for the giggles! : )
I am looking forward to meeting the other 3.... ; )
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