gratefulness

There are so many things that I am grateful. I was inspired by a good friend's post to spend some time immersing myself in a world of thankfulness.

I am grateful for

jumping into puddles with little people.
having delicious coffee in bed, delivered by an equally delicious person.
being able to tackle the mountain of work in a relaxed, comfortable environment.
getting invited over for a delicious dinner with some new friends and lots of interesting, stimulating conversations.
good books and great blogs that I enjoy reading.
filling my refrigerator with healthy, nutritious, scrumptious food.
phone calls from my sisters.
taking a long walk through the streets of Ottawa and soaking up the sights and sounds.

Enjoy your respective weekends!

life is good

I like this life. It's difficult and it's often hard to know which end is up, but it's so good. 

...and sometimes when you take a good, hard look at what you have, you find the most unexpected and joyous answers.

I like that you can find that laughter and that love, all that stuff you crave and that you yearn for deep inside of yourself,  just over there.  All you have to do is remember that it may not come in the shape you were expecting, or the package you may have wanted. But it is there.

And solitude - it seems to be just an illusion. We create this perception for ourselves that we are alone. Cuddle up to a cat sometime. Feel that purring - their pure contentedness at being connected with you. We Are All Connected. 

Most of us don't understand this concept, and it's an incredibly vast and abstract thing to try and wrestle with. But when you take it down to its basic level.... like a cat rubbing her head against your hand, or a smile that you may share with someone in an elevator, or the great fun you can have on a weekend with perfect strangers (if you just let yourself)... it makes perfect sense.

I don't have any answers for a lot of the questions that buzz around in my head. The noise that beats me senseless in the pre-dawn hours of the morning, while my physical body is too sleepy to fight back. 

But I feel like I can find these answers when I give myself permission to find them. Usually when I can pause... and breathe. And smile. Life is good. 

realizations

I realize that I give a lot of myself when I am with people.

I watch my essence weave itself around the antics, laughter, and sheer forcefulness of another's personality.

Like tendrils of smoke wafting from a lit cigar, I evaporate into the sky.

I believe this to be a gift. For it happens so naturally - like I am an extension of the person I am with. I get so easily caught up in their lives and their personalities.

Sometimes, though, it feels like there is a cost. That a part of me gets lost, and that I am unable to retrieve me after being with someone for a period of time.

For I leave some people feeling more alive than ever! Electrically charged and animated. Like I've drunk deeply of their souls and filled my cup to the brim at the same time. It's an intoxication that makes me thrive.

And I leave others feeling hollow and weak. Empty and dry, like the dead husk of a plant. Full of sadness and yearning, feeling depleted and bare. And needing to take myself off to a quiet room, to heal.

I suspect the only difference between the two is how far I am willing to go - how much I am willing to give. But I don't know that I want to give up the one for the other. Because in order to experience the intoxication, I must be willing to let myself go, just as easily and wholly as I can.

a day in the life of a......person using conté for the first time

I had my first drawing class last night. It was sooooo HARD. I am happy because I sensed a good progression in me, over the three hours. My proportions of people are terrible. Bellies become distended and Buddha-like. Feet get crammed in at the bottom of the page, because I didn't leave enough room for them. Legs are too short, and heads are two-three times too large. But by the end of the evening, I was getting better at measuring. ; )

This is a beginner life drawing class. When we first started the class, I discovered that I'm not in a class with ANY beginners, which made me laugh. There was one woman who said she was a beginner to life drawing, but has been drawing for a long time. Luckily, for me, the instructor was very open to giving me lots of instruction. Which I totally need!! Hehe....

We did some interesting drills - spent the first 30 minutes doing a warmup. We had 2 minutes, using contour lines, to draw the model in whichever pose she was in - ensuring that we captured the entire body and that the proportions were correct (demanding teacher!). The intent of this drill is to learn to see the body in its entirety - to take a photo of the whole figure with your mind - and capture the essence of that pose. Learn what stands out - the elbow, the way the head is titled, the angle of the knee, etc. By working quickly, you don't have time to become paralyzed (by fear and doubt) of your drawing. You focus on the model and the pose.

After the warmup, we went through a series of 15-20 minutes to draw a pose, using the extra time (as if!) to do shading, etc. The time was gruelling for me... I would often get caught looking at my art and feeling overwhelmed and feeling angst. My instructor would come by and remind me to look at the model. That all the information I needed was over there, not in front of me on my easel. (She is this little petite woman, with the forceful personality of a drill sargeant.)

I learned to hold my pencil up to measure the size of the model's head, and then the size of the rest of her body, in proportion to her head. I'd stand there with my arm extended, one eye closed, a fierce concentration scowl on my face, and my finger measuring off a point on my charcoal pencil. A true artiste, non?

At the end, I often had a lopsided, disfigured Picasso-like person (I think). My instructor would come over, look at my drawing, step back to see it from far away, and then lean in again with a sigh and say "see this leg here.. this needs to be over here." And I'd get the giggles.

Then I'd peek over to the art from the (gifted!) man drawing next to me - I'd see these creations. His figures just popped to life. It was unbelievable what he would create in that time! He'd smile at me, give me a little wink, and say "That last one you did worked out well, eh?"

Yeah, right! ; )

practicing what I preach

I have been enjoying the last 4 years of my life a great deal! Life has been good to me, and I've enjoyed immersing myself in it to the fullest.

One of the things that I believe firmly for myself, is to live a life that is free. To be free and unencumbered in my relationships. To be open to life, however it unfolds; often in ways unexpected. To laugh and live joyfully. To be open to love and intimacy, without reservation, expectation, or cost.

All of these things make me feel peaceful. They make me feel calm and centered. They feel right. I haven't experienced angst or discomfort when I embrace it. I believe it's a very real part of who I am.

The reality, as a good friend mentioned today, is that sometimes it takes a great deal of courage to practice these things. I believe they are right for me, and I feel the full benefits of them when I practice them. However, there are times, like now, when I'm in the midst of a great deal of change and adjustment, that I am scared and I want to cling. I feel sad, and I want to set up illusions - boxes that neatly and safely preserve what I like.

I know that it is not reality. And that the truth, for me, doesn't exist in boxes and safety, but letting go and practicing that is sometimes very hard.

tempest in a teapot

What is bliss?

This is my bliss at the moment - being overloaded with work deliverables and deciding to work from home.

The house is quiet and empty. The cats are sleeping. I'm in my pjs and sipping a hot cup of coffee.

Ahhhhh!

The Luna Farm

Soft orange light
pierces through the sky
the scent of hay
and of dew dancing on the grass
wafts into the farmhouse window.

Like sentries, they stand in the dawn
sleek and elegant
heralding the new day as steam blows from their muzzles

Picturesque against the freshly cut wood of the arena.
Their presence embodies the sanctuary of this space.

- LML Sept 1/2008