exhaust fumes

I'm officially announcing this to be my project management post. I have so much noise going on in my head that I'm feeling paralyzed by the sheer volume of it all. 

I have ideas, worries, upcoming events, interests, compulsions, chores, obligations, dreams, needs, wants, silly thoughts, and a whole whack of things that I can't even categorize yet that keep swirling about in my mind.

I've decided to jot them down in the hopes that the practice of capturing them on (virtual) paper will free up some space to see opportunities and the energy to go ahead and tackle them.

I'm using bullets because I'm not interested in ranking them or prioritizing them right now. I just want to divest myself of them so I can breathe (and get ready for a weekend of play!).

• submit my mba application
  
• study for GMAT exam
  
• draw new photo I just downloaded
  
• finish reading the books by my bed ("Number Eight", "Grown up Digital","Hot, Flat and Crowded")
  
• figure out where to start implementing pragmatic marketing at work
  
• figure out where to start implementing e-marketing ideas at work
  
• stop worrying about figuring it all out before starting (see above)
  
• create a book on Spider for Sue
• see an allergist
  
• get travel vaccinations for Oman
  
• get international driver's license for Oman
  
• send a bday card and gift to Gina
• download new tunes
• have a vacation
  
• swim 3/week
  
• try out the workout DVD
  
• visit the little people I love
  
• visit the big people I love
  
• see Slumdog Millionaires and The Reader
• go to yoga 1/week
  
• finish Lego batman
  
• download and listen to TEDTalks podcasts
• laundry
  
• submit expense claims
  
• max out my RRSPs
  
• call home on Sundays
  
• talk to my sisters at least once every 2 weeks
  
• reply to all the friendly emails I've got in my inbox
  
• reply to all the unfriendly emails I've got in my inbox
  
• get laser hair removal
  
• stop chewing the inside of my lip because I'm getting wrinkles on my face 
  
• see my dentist for checkup
  
• stretch 
  

Hmm.. I didn't have any incredible insights about how tackle these items, but it did feel good to purge. Happy weekend everyone. Hope you find some peace of mind, too. 

swimming pool meditation

stroke stroke -- breathe
stroke stroke -- breathe

I was meditating during my swim last night. Letting the noise in my head sort itself out; length by length

stroke stroke -- breathe
stroke stroke -- breathe

Thinking about how I'll fit school into my day; Figuring out what it would mean to study for 3 hours a night (at a minimum), and reflecting on whether I could sustain that for a lengthy period of time.

stroke stroke breathe
stroke stroke breathe

Letting the old fears of school and that world of expectations and judgement, that I resist so vehemently, wash over me; like the waves I generated as I kicked in the water.

stroke stroke -- breathe
stroke stroke -- breathe

My demons of failure and insecurities around intelligence and academia and self worth, rose in me; like the exhalation of my breath in the pool. Bubbling to the surface.

stroke stroke -- breathe
stroke stroke -- breathe

I left the pool an hour later, completely drained. My heart was pounding and my body felt exhausted. I felt empty, with no resolution or decision made.

Just the peace that comes with knowing that the water will be there for me next time, and with it, more opportunities to let go. 

it's a new day, so sing

"The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."

~ Maya Angelou

sigh

It's been a weary kind of day, today. I feel weighed down and fragmented from the people and things that give me energy and pleasure. I'm filled with a yearning for escape which often comes to me at the times when I am the neediness. As if I want to somehow flee from my very own self. As if I recognize the distaste for seeing and experiencing that part of me. Even my dreams, my sanctuary away from reality that often fill me with color and vividness and intensity, were filled with images of people I enjoy and care for being awful to other people in my life. I felt caught in the middle and very torn and woke with a deep sadness. I have a hard time knowing what my soul needs when I feel this way. I respond quickly to tough love; the voice in my head telling me to just suck it up and remember how lucky I am. The sharp sting of rebuke or a roll of the eyes. And yet, if, in the midst of this space, someone passes along a kind word or a gentle thought, I feel myself crack ever so slightly, feel my throat tighten in a great lump, and feel the tears come.

I don't feel in the mood to try and analyze where these feelings are coming from. I suspect I'll get some inkling from my dreams tonight. I'm off to bed to rest and sleep and wake tomorrow with a brand new day to start things all over again. Wishing you all peace.

quote of the day

"Do not travel far to other dusty lands.
forsaking your own sitting place;
If you cannot find the truth where you are now,
you will never find it."

- Dogen

Hope

I just read this job description from Seth Godin and it made me think about hope

What marketers actually sell
Not powder or chemicals or rubber or steel or silicon or talk or installations or even sugary water.
What marketers sell is hope.
The reason is simple: people need more. We run out. We need it replenished. Hope is almost always in short supply.
The magical thing about selling hope is that it makes everything else work better, every day get better, every project work better, every relationship feel better. If you can actually deliver on the hope you sell, there will be a line out the door.
Hope cures cynicism. Hope increases productivity. Hope needs no justification.

Maybe it's because today is the day that Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, or maybe it's because it was Martin Luther King Jr. day yesterday, or maybe it's because we are feeling anxious about the wars going on the world and the economic crunch that makes our collective stomachs clench, or maybe because the winter days feel like they are getting longer and that spring is just beyond your finger tips away...

...whatever it is, hope feels very ripe today. It's in the air. People are looking for meaning in what they do, how they spend their time and money, what their existence is meant to be, who they choose to be with, what they do with themselves, what they want.

People are looking for hope and, I think, are much more receptive to hope. To smiles. To friendships. To opening themselves up to living life and all the beautiful things that come with embracing the moment.

little people

One of my favorite bloggers and "livers of life", Jen Gray, wrote this new post on the effect that a particular little person has on her life. She is fairy godmother and soul sister to this new little boy, and she captured how much my own spirit sings when I get to celebrate the little people in my own life.

i wish i lived right next door to his Mom and Dad so I wouldnt miss a single second of his beautiful life. thank you Boho's for giving me the time to cocoon down with my baby Godchild. i miss you, i miss him, and seeing all of you again, simply cannot come soon enough.....

I wish I could spend more time with them and I look so forward to each and every chance that I get to connect with them. They fill me with much joy and happiness and I know that I am blessed to have the opportunity to soak up as much love from them and with them as I can.

Clearing a space for change

I read this article from Daily Om titled "Clearing a space for change." It discusses the weight of objects, both physical and emotional, and how, when we hold on to things, we don't often have enough space for new life, new changes, new things to enter. 

And how, by purging ourselves of material goods, and emotional baggage, we can live a lighter life - be more responsive, freer to life's changes, open to new experiences. It also suggests that by making this space, we may find that our energy level will soar (as we aren't as bogged down as before) and that it can lead to mental clarity and an improved memory. 

I find it interesting that, while I don't profess to lead an exemplary life of simplicity, I am relatively unburdened by emotional and physical baggage. 

I have some basic furniture and a few sporting goods; I lease a small car; I rent a house, which I share; I have a very reasonable wardrobe, which I purge and prune every few months or so; I have a lovely number of people that I adore in my life, that I feel spoiled to have, but try not to have any expectations of them; I feel as if I've let a lot of the weight of the years go, despite the laugh and worry lines that are etching themselves on my face; I sleep easily and peacefully at night; I laugh easily;  I find I don't fret too much (except about myself).

But I have to tell you that my memory stinks! I wrestled with this very same concern a few years in another post: by letting go of all the things that remind a person of the past and potentially keep them there, am I also letting go of strong and powerful memories?  Of being a child? Of spending time with my family? Of taking vacations and experiences? Of being married? Of journeys I've taken? 

I don't have those memories. And if I do, I suspect they are somewhere deeply buried. I keep wondering if someday I'll just be flooded with them. Or maybe I'm just meant to live in the moment. And that is the lesson I must continue to practice. 

I guess time will tell. Or maybe, in my case, it won't. 

hibernation

It's a cold, cold day in Ottawa. And it's supposed to be even colder still, tomorrow.

I am connecting with my inner bear tonight and I'm going to hibernate.
I have a good book that I want to devour.
I'll light some candles (oh how I wish I had a fireplace!).
I'll snuggle into a pair of longjohn pjs, sans the bum flap.
I'll sip on some wine.
I'll listen to tunes.
I'll think about people I love.
and maybe I'll draw.

A night of connecting with myself, refilling my jug, and sending happy and positive vibes into the universe by recharging and relaxing.

be well.

Update: as I made my way home and felt the stinging cold that left me coughing, and I listened to the news about Nortel going bankrupt and the fighting in Gaza, I thought about how amazingly lucky I am in my life. Lucky to have a warm place for the night. To have clothes that keep me protected. To have peace in my world. To feel loved. To have a job. To have the awareness that I am incredibly grateful and humbled by my lucky life.

Mrs. Carr

“Let us ever behold the red and purple sunset.”
- words taken from the Native Canadian Prayer (a favourite of Illoma’s)

I was 17; a hyper, high-energy girl struggling with a severe eating disorder. Bouncing around the halls of a brand-new boarding school. Seeking attention and yearning to be popular and liked. Deeply saddened by the fact that I was neither. Feeling like I wanted to run away. Feeling wounded. Feeling like I was on the verge of taking a hold of my life and steering it in a direction that I wanted. For the first time in my life.

And there was Mrs. Carr. A woman who's face is blurred in my memories but whose words and essence changed my life.

I just remember how I would meet with Mrs. Carr every week. How we would talk about the things that I was struggling with in my life. How she would pay attention to my feelings and my intensity and my fears and my anger. She listened. At a time in my life when I felt very lonely and found it very difficult to express all the noise that was inside of me, I found a sanctuary in her office. I found a quietness. I found a place where I was treated as an adult and where my choices and my decisions were accepted and respected.

I think it was a first for me. To be on the receiving end of such empathy and compassion and freedom. There were no control issues. There was no insinuated hierarchy. There were no rules. There was nothing more than what was happening in the moment. She was Illoma and I was Lisa and I would talk and she would listen.

She had a profound and lasting effect on me. I can't articulate the kind of gift of freedom she gave me. The kind of life lessons she passed along to me when she told me to trust my instincts, to believe in myself, to listen to my soul, to follow what made me happy.

Life lessons that are coming back to me full circle tonight as I say goodbye to her.

Thank you, Mrs. Carr. Rest in peace.

bringing my worlds together

I've been having so many dreams lately about bringing my different worlds together.

I moved around a lot as a child, teenager, and adult. I went to many different schools, lived in different cities and different countries. I traveled a lot.
At times, I was literally across the country from what I had known before.

Being a social person, and one who derives a great deal of pleasure and energy from interacting with people, these different parts of me would often collide in my dreams.

I'd host parties and large gatherings where all these different people and all these different places would intersect. Connections would be forged. Threads would be woven together. I'd walk through dream rooms and feel a thrill of satisfaction and immense relief to see people who had never met in real life, interacting and enjoying each other, as I always suspected they might.

And feel my fragmented parts be reassembled.

I think it was a very necessary and healing thing for me to experience those dreams. It helped me, in real life, remember all those segmentations that were in my life, and to keep things straight, and, at the same time, have a chance to bring things together, at a subconscious level, so that I could make sense (or order) of that which was so disparate.

Like putting the puzzle pieces together to make a picture of my life and the people and places and textures that make up my life. Giving me a chance to wake up in the mornings and feel whole.

So now, at a time when there are many momentous events happening to people around me and to myself (new babies, new moves, new homes, new jobs, new separations, weddings, connections, opportunities, discoveries, losses) it seems to spark a need in me, like the ignition of a long fuse, to explode into a series of very vivid dreams.

Dreams of parties and long conversations. Of catching up with people. Of saying goodbye. Of introducing people to each other. Of watching connections being made. Of navigating a sea of confusion and finding a sort of logic. Of electricity between people. Of seeing familiar faces and memories merge in a common space. A common space in my soul, no doubt.

My puzzle pieces are coming together. Again. For now.

neighbors

as i watch them
drifting down
these little crystals of light
that land in mountains
of winter magic

i am reminded
of his surly soul and angry spirit
raging against the world
that raw, open ache
he hides behind cold eyes

and how
the bridge was built between us
with a small smile and a gentle touch

a plank of wood
laid down across a couple of stones
precarious over the white waters of the ocean
that acts as the chasm

a simple peace offering
that is passable
if you are careful not to slip

-- lml dec 2008