summer reading list

I was halfway through my latest Lee Child book, Die Trying, starring the unflappable, restless wandering hero, Jack Reacher, when I received my summer reading list from Queen's. Once I'm done this action-packed piece of fiction, I've got to dig into a different kind of summer reading buffet in preparation for school:

• The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't (Robert I. Sutton)
• Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done (Larry Bossidy)
• Succeeding in Statistics by Ronald E. Shiffler & Arthur J. Adams (to be reviewed)
• Queen's: Finance and Accounting Workbook (to be completed)
• Strategy: A View from the Top by Cornelis A. de Kluyver & John A. Pearce II
• A Writer's Handbook by Leslie E. Casson (I think I'm going to be OK with this one!)

It all looks very interesting and demanding. I'm almost ready to get started...

...once I finish with Reacher. : )

5 years

A couple of months ago, I celebrated a major milestone. 5 years ago, I left Mike.

It's been a crazy 5 years. Like the bubbly champagne froth that explodes up the glass and spills over the sides, I have experienced a lot of drama and adventure and change!

I left a 15 year marriage. I experienced the loss of Kona. I moved 5 times. I had two new roommates. I changed jobs twice, and moved to a new company. Many of my closest friends experienced tumultuous changes in their own relationships and lives. I discovered my own sexuality and the kind of relationships I wanted for myself. I watched the destruction and downward spiral of my beautiful little sister, Lisa. And then I watched as she grew healthy and thrived. I travelled around the world. I moved in with Jack and Gaby. I left search & rescue. I watched as friends got married and had babies. I enrolled in school!

Let's just say that in the last 5 years, there has been a lot of adventure. A lot of change! A lot of "new" things.

I realize, as I reflect on these years, that I am good with change. I thrive on it. I am resilient. I am capable. And, dare I say, I actually love it.

But, in the last few months, I've experienced a different kind of place. A different kind of world. Things are quiet. There doesn't seem to be the kind of drama and tension and upheaval from before. The long, sleepless nights fraught with worry. The anxiety in my stomach. The build up to a difficult conversation. The need to be constantly vigilant in my words and my actions. The loss of friendships and loneliness with finding a place where I fit in. The fear that I am making a wrong decision. The adrenaline that comes with the unknown. The new. The sheer thrill of jumping in with both feet. The pounding of my heart with throwing caution to the wind.

Aside from a few rowdy evenings with good friends, my life is moving to a different rhythm. There's a steady beat. A quiet satisfaction. A calm. I don't worry about where I'm going to be next, what I have to do, the decisions that weigh on me, the difficult choices, the fear, the escape, and that exhilaration of seeing what's around the next corner.

Don't get me wrong - I live in the moment, as best as I am able. And I have no idea where tomorrow or 9pm tonight will bring me. But, as I sit here on a Friday evening, I want to celebrate something different. I want to raise a glass to toast to the peace that I feel. The ease in my body. The love that surrounds me.

And I look forward, with relish, to whatever my next adventure will be!

riding the rollercoaster

Things that have stirred up emotion in me the last few days...

- hearing about my second Aunt who's just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Both live so far away from me (Hungary and BC) and I keep wishing I could swing by their respective homes and deliver a hug to them in person.

- getting an email from a friend filled with love and support and practical things that I could do or think about doing for both my Aunts. It was unexpected and much more deeply needed than I thought.

- meeting a new friend of a friend whose family comes from a small town in Hungary; the same small town that my own father hails from, Szombathely! What a small world!

- someone reminding me of the fact that I'm nearing 40 and I may want to think about having kids before its too late. Who says it's ever too late?

- being given a chance at work to buy more vacation days (score!) and remembering that I am taking time off for school already (damn!).

- connecting with my Dad about taking a trip together to Hungary to see where he grew up and where he lived as a youngster.

- being invited to celebrate fathers' day with members of my chosen family.

Who needs to go to Canada's Wonderland to ride a rollercoaster?

like drinking a glass of iced water in the desert

This passage was wonderful to read. Anne Morrow Lindbergh has such a powerful way of describing how to be in the moment with people, how to experience them as they are. The elasticity of relationships that she describes is something that really resonates with me. I want that for myself. I want to live that. And I feel lucky in my life that I can try and practice that way of connecting and relating to another person. I have a tremendous circle of friends (and friends with benefits) in my life.

I think about love and relationships a fair amount. I often assess whether a behavior or response that I see is something I want for myself. Whether it makes me feel comfortable and at ease or whether it makes me very wound up and emotional.

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand.

We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now.

Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides."
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

reflections on me with a little person

I had the privilege a few weekends ago to care for a little person for an entire weekend. She is an amazing girl - energetic, determined and affectionate. She's happy and well-adjusted and a lot of fun.

I had been asking do this for a long while (and wanting to do it). I love being around little people. I feel good around them! They energize me and fill me with happiness. I love interacting with them. I understand them. I like them. And so, I thought I was more than ready for this.

It was an experience I will not forget! It was beautiful, powerful and exhausting and, surprisingly enough, it generated a huge number of emotional responses in me.

I even cried a few tears during the weekend - both from profound feelings of love and yearnings and from many of my biggest fears coming to the surface. I've finally had a few minutes to reflect on my feelings and try and capture them in words.

• the heady intoxication of a brilliant kind of love and attention; mesmerizing and all consuming. I *get* why people fall in love with their children.
  
  
• watching a face light up at seeing you come into a room.
  
  
• hearing belly laughs and giggles. It makes it so easy to smile and remember how good life is.
  
  
• the fun of playing and laughing and enjoying the moment. What a high!
  
  
• experiencing the pure pleasure that results from watching a little person feel proud at something they learned how to do.
  
  
• feeling like you are an important person, that you are loved and cherished.
  
  
• feeling the freedom to love them back intensely, especially in a society that doesn't generally accept or understand that kind of love.
  
  
• the awesome weight of responsibility; the black hole of absorption. How do parents ever leave the house?
  
  
• fatigue. The sheer exhaustion of being around an energetic, rambunctious, happy almost-two-year old!
  
  
• the lack of interest in my own self. I didn't care what I ate (or didn't), what I looked like, whether I had showered. I couldn't even think about shagging!
  
  
• the emotional distress that I experienced at seeing a meltdown. I had a strong desire to want to make her happy - at whatever cost.
  

I don't expect to find answers to the questions that these reactions generated. I sincerely hope I get another opportunity to be with her and I suspect the next time I get the chance to take care of her it may be easier or it may be harder. I guess I just won't expect it to be anything than what it is.

I am, however, fascinated by the feelings that I experienced. That was a lot packed into a short period of time! It made me realize all the intensity that a parent must feel around their little people. The incredible highs and the challenging lows. And that beautiful balance of somehow navigating it all on a daily basis. Wow.

doing more

My heart feels a little heavy today. A little full and a little sore. I feel like I've been spending a lot of my time taking these days (taking love, taking friendship, taking food, taking pleasure, taking joy, taking goodness, taking laughter, taking smiles, taking fun, taking sleep, taking and taking...) and I feel like it's time for me to give. 

And just when I feel so ready to do something, I'm reminded about the big step that I've chosen to do, that I've committed to doing, in the Fall. Just when I feel like I've taken enough, spent the last 5 years living for myself with no thought to the world around me, I remember that I'm doing yet another thing just for me. Another thing that will take away time from helping someone else. Make someone's life a little easier. 

*sigh* 

First step: complete the EMBA program.
Next step: do something more (volunteer with Red Cross, teach English, be a big sister, volunteer at the Humane Society, volunteer at a soup kitchen, be a foster parent...)

homecoming

After 4 weekends away, it was an absolute pleasure to come home last night. I was so happy about being immersed in my little space. Upon my arrival, I got a big bear hug and delicious kiss from J. While I unpacked my bag, I cuddled Chloe (who purred while crawling into my duffel bag in search of the source of the strange new city smells). I made my bed with the new linens I purchased at Simons (my only purchase of the weekend) and put on some comfortable pjs. I made myself a delicious bagel and cup of tea and took a few minutes to thank my beautiful friends for accepting me and my rowdy and raucous behavior in Montreal (giggle). I played rock band with the crew until my voice cracked with fatigue. I did laundry and was so grateful for the clean house that I came home to. I watched an episode of Lost, ruffled my freshly made bed, and soaked up the feeling of drifting off to sleep in a tangle of limbs. *sigh*

home sweet home, until my next adventure! 

let's get physical

I'm a physical person and I love exercise and moving my body. It makes me happy and gives me a natural high. While I was walking home last night, I was thinking about all the sports I've tried and tested over the years. In my lifetime, I've done the following:

swimming (back stroke, front crawl, butterfly), basketball, hiking, gymnastics, track & field (long jump, high jump, hurdles, 800m, 400m, 50 yd dash), cross-country running, marathon running, sprint distance running races (5K, 10K), triathlons (sprint, Olympic, & long course distance), road racing (criteriums and road races), mountain bike racing, cyclocross racing, Nordic skiing, skate skiing, downhill skiing, tobogganing, snowboarding, snow shoeing, ice skating, rollerskating, roller blading, skateboarding, windsurfing, snorkeling, SCUBA diving, water skiing, surfing (once, but I want to do more!), beach volleyball, indoor volleyball, archery, lacrosse (once), soccer, dodgeball, flag football, ballroom dancing, pole dancing, skipping jump rope, hula-hooping, trampolining, softball, tennis, badminton, horseback riding, adventure racing, kayaking, rowing, canoeing, rappelling, rock climbing, white water rafting, dragon boating, aerobics, yoga, fencing, floor hockey, inner tube water polo, bowling, bicycle polo, wake boarding, body boarding, squash, racquetball, croquet, curling, ping pong, and weightlifting.

*phew!* ...and there is still so much to try and do! : )

I have to say that despite all the things I've tried and done over the years, my favorite form of exercise is walking. I find it easy, spiritual, and a great way to explore a city or a place. It's powerful and my body loves it!

Hoofing it

I'm walking to work most days and loving the energy, sunshine and the smile that is on my face as I stride along, arms swinging, head bopping, ear buds in place. It's a happy time for me! I love moving my body. I love the sound of my music blasting in my ears. I love the smiles that I share with fellow commuters. It's intoxicating. 

I guess I move pretty quickly, too, because yesterday, on my way home I got headbutted by a big fat bumblebee. He whacked me so hard on the forehead that he flew away in a dizzy spiral. I got a good laugh at that. He probably thought he had smacked into a brick wall!