the little gifts

And there I was last night - in that well-worn, deeply rutted, struggle - pulling myself kicking and screaming into the moment, into reality, and finding myself drifting back to that dark wave of longing that crests every now and again - that yearning for acknowledgement, friendship, of wanting to contribute, of wanting to be something important in someone's life. My ego's desire to feel special.

My phone rang. It was Little Lisa - calling out of the blue after 7 months of absence. Months of me reaching out to her to see how she's doing. Months of little notes and posts and phone calls to let her know that I care and that I think of her often. Months of seeing and hearing snippets of her angst and stress.

We talked for an hour. We got caught up in the complexities of her relationships and life challenges, the fun adventures that await her, and the fears of not being able to enjoy them. After a many laughs and a few tears and much love, we said goodnight.

And after I tucked myself into bed, the fan circulating the warm air across the room, I knew that the universe had conspired to send me that soul balm. It was exactly what I had needed in a form that I would have never expected. What a magical gift.

Thank you!

take the reins

I can feel the bit between my teeth
hard, cool steel rides my gums, pulling and yanking me,
until I chomp down on it.
It grinds me - and I feel harnessed and haltered
like something reigns me in
preventing me from running wild and free.

I wake each morning, nodding my head to the multiple parts of me
the one who luxuriates in the sunshine,
waiting for the world to take care of her.
And the one who leaps out of bed and smiles at the sounds
of the world creaking, groaning, and heralding the new day.

I think my dual personality is especially strong

when my authentic assessments of life are fatigued.
Unable to purposefully guide my passions in the direction of my choosing,

I leave myself open to whimsy and delight.

And then I flounder

and I'm not quite sure where this life will take me.

I'm both excited and daunted by what will transpire next.

In the meantime, you can feel the froth of exertion
forming on my lips. As I carry my bit, toss my head
and wonder where this will lead me.

- lml