Love and writing

Much newness is about to unfold

My world is undergoing another transformation

It's scary and I wish that I will emerge as a butterfly

And it's exciting

I love the prospect of change

What frightens me is that I make the wrong choices around all the logistics that are required -- financial, location, school, etc.

But they are not final, not definite and if I approach them as starting points and steps in the right direction, then I know I can't make the wrong decisions.

One step at a time. Towards clarity. Towards things clicking together. Towards my destiny!

The ripeness

The fruit of a new year, new beginnings, lays ripe before me.

Ready for the taking

Rich with juice

Succulent and sweet

I can hear the crisp bite that my lips and teeth would taste

The essence of that life surrounds my mouth with so much potential

I can feel the sweetness escape down my throat 

And the rush of energy and lust that is released.

The succor of the fields and harvest stimulate my senses.

And I surrender.

A poem Shirley sent me in Oct

Wild Geese

You do not need to be good.

You do not need to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

--Mary Oliver

Travel bug

At first I am reluctant

To engage

To align myself

With the weary travelers

To shuffle along

It isn't until the air had thinned

And the grit of exhaustion stings my eyes

That the space between us constricts

And I feel that little ember of joy smolder

We are not so different, you and I 

My fellow passenger of life

And the world becomes smaller 

As we embark on a new adventure in synchronicity 

My journal

This paper

This pulp of promise 

This texture of opportunity

Carved out on this rectangular space.

The clean, clear, open forum for reflection

Is before me.

Untouched, untarnished

Unspoken

By tongue or stylus or wisp of imagination?

Until you walk by me. And I see you.

~ June 7, 2014

Gratitude

Day #1 of vacation-- grateful for the sleep in, the easiness of the morning, the sunshine that streams through the curtains, the peace, the feeling that I don't have to respond to email, the sense of freedoms, the video games and glass of red wine in the afternoon, the sassiness of a friend, and the total sense of letting go. Even if it's just for one day.

Life

Life, comes in tears and cries and groans

Life, comes in moments of beauty and love

Life, comes in aches and growing pains and raspy inhales of jagged breath

Life, comes in moments of stillness

Life, comes in moments of ecstasy

Life, is where I find you naked in my bed

Life, is where I find you on a mountain

Life, is in my touch, my smile and my hug. 

Life, is in my gratitude, for you.

~ April 27, 2014

The pull and the want....

Have you ever wondered where you'd be; who you'd be; at this age?

Did you imagine your life would be like this? This easy? This hard?

That your favorite place is a chair and good book? And that you yearn for so much more?

You have lived so many different lives....and you have many more to live. What will those look like?

The many lives I've lived

The only issue I see with living many lives in a lifetime is that there are very few who have seen you in each of those phases.

It's the rare person who can say that they knew so-and-so and knew how you were during that time. Very few who have been able to stick it out with you or who have amazing memories to be able to accurately go back and report on that person you were. 

I think that is why we seek out our past relationships. It is some kind of validation, expression; some kind of yearning talk to the people who knew us as we were: young, vulnerable, unsure, misguided, angry, naive. Whatever we were, I think we long for some kind of testimonial; some right of passion, some kind of badge of honor that only members of our past lives can bestow.

Why else would school reunions be so popular? You get to go back in time, seek out those who saw you and knew you a particular, heartbreaking way, and you get to disrupt that memory. You show up in your finest - looking and feeling confident and mature and ready to take on the world. 

It's interesting to me that social media is helping us save some of those memories. In an unfiltered, un-doctored way -- from the perspective of a lot more people than just a few chosen people. 

We live in interesting times.

Sweetness

Sultry sirens on Songza

Fierce fire on my face

The pleasure of a delicious book

A soul connection sitting nearby 

Toes caressing, music lapping, my heart swooning

With love, joy and sweetness

~ lml Oct 30, 2013

Rattle me bones

It's national talk Pirate day, so the subject line seems especially appropriate.

The last two weeks have been such highs and lows... Invitations from fabulous sources to interview (yes, a real job!!!). Then the let downs of projects being cancelled and work expectations not being realized (both McMillan and Thornley Fallis liked me but lost project bids and felt they didn't have the capacity to bring me on board.)

Good validation that I am in the right space and working hard towards something real and viable. Something that fits my skills and experience and attitude. Something that fits culturally, too. Which I know is so critical for me and my energy.

So the re-scheduling, twice, of an interview is no big deal. It's not a "no" and I know I can practice the patience required to wait. But I am so frigging excited...to start, to embark, to go forward with this! I feel like I am just so hungry..... 

Look out world! 

My story

Who will tell my story when I am gone? Who will know my thoughts and fears? Who speaks my language...my language of desire, of pain, of fear, of hope? Who has ridden these dreams with me....who understands that the girl I see in the mirror and the girl I really am are different?

I wonder about that voice. Who will speak for me? Who will tell stories of me? How they will describe the woman who aches for adventure, freedom, a world of possibility? Who finds herself so conventional, so stereotypical, so unfortunately bland.

I am reading these stories of remarkable women. Of women who weave intent, passion, destiny into their lives. Of women who leave a legacy, often unwillingly and unknowingly, and who have their stories theeaded into the fabric of the future. The quilts that get passed, both genetically and nurtured, into families, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. 

I wonder who will sit by the fire and remember my stories. 

Alice Hoffman

I've read books and words by Alice Hoffman over the course of many years of my life. I keep coming back to her. And i keep rediscovering her. Because of how she captures the relationship of sisters, the connection we have to nature, the magic that lives inside us, the spiritualness of the world around us and the strong power of being a woman in this world. I don't know how she does it for me, but each time I experience her words...I am absolutely lifted away from where I am. It is like she somehow has tunneled into my soul and described what it means to be a woman, a lover, a sister, a daughter and friend. 

~ lml July 23, 2013

Moving....

The word moving evokes so much for me. Obviously there is the practical application which implies the journey of discovery (looking and finding) and there is also the kinesthetic experience of energy (moving your body, your mind, your spirit).

I am moving.

I am practically dealing with my "things" - clothes, books, knick-knacks, gear - the accumulation that comes with a privileged First World life. I am also moving, kinesthetically. Seeking a new job and a new life challenge. Searching for the meaning of "home" and the figurative and literal baggage that goes along with that word. Finding ways to grow - through new hobbies (or new discoveries of old ones), exercises of the physical and mental kind that stimulate innovation and adventure, and a complete surrender to sunshine, water and fertile soil (the necessary ingredients to ensure that all of me is nurtured and all of me can flourish)!

As a physical being, I like to move. I like the stimulation that comes with firing your neurons, activating your muscles and sinew, taking that leap. I am an enthusiastic doer, I get things done, often with a huge smile on my face.

I love this time of year - Spring - when you can feel the Earth moving. Buds popping up on trees and plants; the sunshine pushing the cold air fronts away; the days getting longer.

It's a time for all of us to celebrate movement.

~ lml April 14, 2013

the rollercoaster

I've sent out 88 applications for jobs since 2010. Not including the ones I've tracked down and applied for online and through word-of-mouth.

88 applications. Over the course of 3 years, during EMBA school, working at the CMA, Oxfam, traveling, etc. That's about 30 a year.

88 organizations that have resonated with me. People and roles that sound amazing and make me somewhat crazy with anticipation and enthusiasm and want.

Can you imagine riding a roller coaster with 88 hills? 88 times of clawing your way to the top, waiting for the brakes to fail, feeling like you are going to hurtle backwards to your death, only to find that you are at the top, with just enough time to catch your breath, before you go screaming down and down and down.....

Well I'm still riding this roller coaster. I keep finding new hills to climb - amazing new heights and incredible views - and new lows to flatten me.

The ride hasn't gone off the rails yet, but I am feeling a little queasy.

~ lml
March 26, 2013

Ahh... sweet Friday

This morning, upon hearing the words "Happy Friday" bounce from my lips, my niece screamed at the top of her lungs "NO! No! NOOO! It's not happy! No! I don't want you to say it's happy!" 

I was a little taken aback. I love Friday. It's sacred for me. I love the way it pounces on you and reminds you of the ripe, fullness of the weekend ahead. I love how it feels decadent - all this time available to you. Leaps and heaps of indulgent, carefree space. All for you.

It's a happy time! 

Today, I am feeling grateful for this opportunity to be present and to nurture my own gratefulness for being alive, being healthy, for having incredible friendships and for feeling this huge capacity to love in my body. It feels like this untapped well... so much space available to feel; so much potential there it moves me to tears. 

Happy Friday! 

Tick tock

I made a decision this year. A conscious choice to leave a good job that was, in a very specific way, toxic. A choice to throw my destiny into the air. To do something I have always wanted to do - live overseas - and to seize this time, this opportunity of freedom and un-encumberment, to travel.

So.... the time is near. My first adventure, six weeks in London, is almost here. I'm nervous and happy and sad and thrilled all rolled into one. I find that so funny.

I know I will be away from some really incredible people in my life who are so much a part of my fabric. My being. They are friends and lovers and soul twins and safety nets. They are people and places where I feel whole. Where I feel free to be me. Something I have grown to love and take for granted these last 9 years.

And people have asked me why I am leaving. Like I'm breaking up with all of them. Like I am destroying something so good. For what? Selfishness?

I know I will be forging new relationships with my sister and her family, in ways that our one week Christmas or summer vacations can't give me. I am really looking forward to that. I worry that I will rock their boat. I worry that our lives will be so different in how we live them and that the adjustment might be taxing for everyone. But I do believe we have a strong enough communication foundation to really kick back and enjoy the experience. It will be new for all of us.

And I plan on writing. About the people I meet. The feelings I have being "away". What I learn. What I see. What I experience.

So....for now. Give me a good send off. Wish me success and happiness.
I'll keep you posted.

~ lala
Jan 28, 2013

Rapture

My eyes can't cry much longer
I feel so overwhelmed by these emotions...

Freedom
Joy
Gratefulness
The space to celebrate the moment

The rapture of feeling life, liberty and intense love.

~ lml
January 17, 2013

peace

It's a word that conjures up so much for me. A place, a space, a sense of calm; of quiet; of presence; of being in the moment; of having your body and soul and heart aligned. In harmony. A sense of knowing who you are so strongly that nothing could sway or de-rail you. The breath you inhale. The relaxing of the muscles around your eyes, your spine and your soul. A magnificent and oft-sought place. One that is so hard to find. Something I wish more people could know; could experience; could trust that they could find. It is there... it is! You just need to pause; breathe and trust.

Oh beautiful day of energy...

Today was a day of energy.

I gave energy and received so much in return. Amplified.
I used my hands and my heart. I felt light and free. It was so little to do and to give.
And I got so much in return.

And when I sat. Quietly. In contentment. Sipping some lemongrass tea. I saw it.
An opportunity. One that rocked me.

It seemed like it came out of the blue.

I love those moments! When you feel your worlds align and the power that comes from that groove.
I have no expectations, but I sure did feel the impact of that energy.

Here's to keeping my fingers crossed and to G Adventures hearing the call....