balancing act

I'm imbalanced! I know this about myself. I love living in the moment and embracing it fully. And if that means squeezing all the goodness out of a day and leaving nothing of myself left over for other things, then that's how I roll. And if that means that I let hours go by with a good friend over a bottle of wine, and walk away tipsy from the conversation and the love, then that's something I do with relish. I like that part of me.

But it does present some interesting challenges, being imbalanced. It's even more clear to me these days, because I'm so focused on prying my eyes open in the morning with promises of heavily caffeinated beverages, working a full day (and a little extra to make up for school), heading home, figuring out dinner, settling myself at my desk for a good round of homework (with some daydreaming of travel, social gatherings and getting fit on the side), and collapsing in bed for a few pages of mind-numbing reading before slumbering for about 6 hours and starting it all over again in the morning. Don't get me wrong - I manage to find time to do some of the things that give me pleasure, I'm feeling energized and not at all physically exhausted. But I do realize, usually when my eyes start to droop and the book whacks my face a couple of times, that I've forgotten to shave or buy breakfast foods for the morning. That it was my niece's birthday (sorry Aly) and I forgot to call (I did send a card, but it's not the same thing). That I really need to change the bed linen, get a haircut, mail those letters, pay that bill, do some exercise, remember to call Mom and so on…

I guess this is how new parents and people who lead very busy lives feel! There is never enough time to do it all. The hard part for me is to remember to let go of the angst that I'm missing out, or that I'm not being a good friend (or Auntie or sister or daughter…). So, I do what I can in that moment. I make a choice, usually when I snuggle deep under the covers, to send out love and happy thoughts to the people in my life. I send smiles and virtual hugs out into the universe so that somewhere, hopefully, someone will feel it. I pause, to think of a face and a person whom I cherish - and to soak up the gratitude I feel about having them in my life. It makes me feel that even in those few minutes, I can foster something positive. And then I drift off to sleep with the gentle reminder to just go with the flow...

That's something I am good at.

hard to write

I'm finding it hard to write these days; not because I'm lacking time, which I am, nor because I'm lacking material, which I'm not, but because I'm in a bizarre place. My world is changing and I can feel it! My perspectives are shifting. My mind is stretching. Everything seems upside down.

I'm loving being in school! (I can't believe I am saying that!) I am thriving on the stimulation and the challenge. I'm soaking up new information and new interactions like a cup of coffee at 5am - greedy and guzzling. I am facing my fears head on and enjoying the thrill of experiencing a new way of dealing with things that I wouldn't have coped with in the past. I am dizzy and excited, feeling like an archaelogist discovering new worlds!

I am also, it seems, healing my old wounds. I can't seem to stop dreaming about my university days and I wake up feeling disoriented. I'm thrown off by the intense intellectual conversations with former friends and acquaintances in my dream world that seem like I just had them in my waking state. I get angry because past professors tell me that I am not capable of doing what I am. I catch myself calling people by the names of people from my past. I've even been driving to Cognos, my old stomping grounds, when I leave for work.

I find myself in situations with my new team that a month ago, a year ago, would have tied my stomach in knots and left me with a defeated sense of fatigue, that I now find invigorating and interesting. I am feeling challenged and open. I feel like I am in a trusted place to push these boundaries and try new things. I take charge. I listen. I ask questions. I read the newspaper and get it (for the most part).

I love my new team - the boys as I affectionately call them - we get along really well and I enjoy spending time with them. Which is a good thing, because we do spend a lot of time together. And yet, I'm sensitive to the fact that there are other people I miss hearing from and interacting with... a soreness that I know won't be taken care of for awhile yet. I'm cognizant that there may be a few close friends whom I won't know at the end of this journey, and a few new ones that will be added to my fold.

I recognize that it's early days yet, and I know I have a long 15 months ahead of me, but I am so thrilled by this buzz and this adrenalin surge in me. I find it fascinating that my soul wants to heal the past and lose my old conditioning as I blaze trails that I've never traveled on before. And for now, while I'm caught in this crazy place, all I can do is throw my head back and laugh! "Bring it on!"