banging my head against a wall

Ah yes, here is my deep guilt.
And my incredulous disbelief.
And my immediate sadness.
And my reluctant compassion.

And a huge desire to let the past go.

And an even bigger yearning to be living right now.

"I guess that I will always feel that had circumstances been different you and I would have made a great couple and familly and would have a familly with lovely kids maybe that would be 6 and 5 now or something.  I think you would have been a great mom.  Maybe we will still get the chance ... who knows."


Sigh.

Happiness

what is happiness?

why is it something that people search for it over and over?

why is it something that seems so elusive?

why doesn't it reveal itself in the depths of heartache
or find itself nestled in the corner of one's soul?

why does it feel hard to enjoy?

why do we need permission to feel it? To let go and soak it in?

~ lml, November 2011

Remember why...

motivation

procrastination

i feel stupid

i feel smart

i love this work

i'm bored

this excites me

i know i'm growing

what am I doing

how will I get there

do more

be different

have fun

work harder

remember why you are doing this

~ lala September 8, 2011

the refrain

I wrote this last week, when I was struggling with something that seemed, in the moment, massive and life-altering. It blistered and festered and surprised me by it's forcefulness.
With a wonderful friend's little nudge towards gentleness and perspective, much of this anger passed.
I am grateful for his kindness and for his encouragement. I am grateful for so many things in my life.
But, sometimes, in the quiet of the night, I still hear this refrain.

the refrain

I'm talking the talk. I talk, and I talk.

I'm really good at talking.

I play the game. Yes, I want a good job. Yes, I have goals.

Yes, I want that. Yes, I need that. Yes, why not?

It's the same refrain since I was a little girl.

Seeing much more, yearning for it, feeling it at my finger tips...

...and then ignoring it. Not paying attention to it.

I always wanted to dance. To sing.

I've never taken lessons. 

I never just turn the music up and do it.

What am I waiting for? Someone to show me how to move my lips?

I long to travel the world. To explore. 

To set my sights on wonders and dig deep inside me.

My backpack lies unused in my closet. Unpacked. 

What am I waiting for? Permission to leave?

Learning a new language. Reading the piles of books on my shelf. 

Drawing. Getting fit. Learning to cook. Starting a new business. Investing in stocks. Buying real estate. 

It's like I expect that these things will creep into my subconscious and suddenly, I'll just start doing them.

What stops me from starting? What stops me from doing?

Why am I paralyzed? 

I love being over 6 feet 

Embracing my inner Amazon queen

I stand tall and straight

But what you don't see is that I still care so much about how you see me

How much it hurts that I'm still here and you are over there.

How do I get there? 

I love being unconventional - doing things differently.

I like not fitting in to the cookie cutter boxes and white picket fences.

I read "The Ethical Slut" and "Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be"

But really, yes, this white-washed Caucasian is really rocking the world with her Reitman's clothing and her Merrell footwear.

Yes, I have a pair of Trivium shoes and a great pair of purple pleather pants..... awesome! 

I never wear them. They sit in my closet.

I don't even have a tattoo.

I have yet to get my dreadlocks. I've never lived on a commune.

I am not homeless, free spirited or raw.

I'm pretty fucking conventional.

This is the same refrain that I've been living since I was a teenager.

Since I wanted to run away to Brazil to save the rain forest.

I didn't do it then. I'm not doing it now. 

What's stopping me? 

Fear? Sloth? Lethargy? Apathy? 

Am I just hoping that some great person will take me under their wing because they see the "potential" in me?

Why can't I just trust that I am OK? That I have potential enough. That it's time to just go. 

Stop waiting and go. Why haven't I gone? 

So I got laid off. 4 months ago. What have I done with that time?

And here I am, a Wednesday night. I'm in front of my computer writing when I could be doing something different.

Something more. Something else.

Serving dinner at a soup kitchen. Helping orphans in Africa. Feeling like I am physically making a difference in this world.

Instead of sitting in my comfortable home. With a beautiful and loving friend. With all the amenities I could ever imagine. 

With air conditioning. A cuddly cat. Movies. Good food. 

Feeling sorry for myself.

Really? 

Really?

It's the same refrain that I've been living since I was in my twenties and thirties.

Feeling so out of place in this world - and catching glimpses of my authentic soul.

Glimpses which make me ache and move me to tears. 

Glimpses which smack me in the face and remind me about who I am.

I saw it when I was in the woods - searching for lost and missing people.

I saw it when I was a Big Sister to a girl-child who became part of my family.

I felt it in the moments when I unflinchingly wrote my pain and my sorrow in poetry.

I felt it when I was at my lowest. When my compassion was at its highest.

When I sat in front of the mirror and peeled away the layers of lies and the pretenses accumulated during the day.

The yeses and pleases. The inability to say no. The overriding need to say yes. 

The realization that I wanted to make peace and keep things harmonious.

When really, what I was doing was causing a torrential storm of rage and emotion inside of myself.

I am not yet forty and I refuse to live this same refrain. I refuse to.

I know that what is inside me and what I think I have to do are totally separate.

I don't know where the distinction is and I don't know how to find it out.

But it's there. 

I need to be me. I need to be authentic. I need to live the life that I want. 

I need to do. I need to go. I need to grow.

~ June 2011

crickets...

I think the hardest part of losing a job is the silence that comes.

There is a big rush of support and encouragement at the beginning, a lovely and genuine display of positive energy - people unexpectedly reaching out, ideas that come at full force about what to do next, the networking that seems exhausting, to be frank, because there are so many people to reach out to, so many possibilities, so much potential. Or so it seems.

And then comes the quiet.

It's no different than what you feel with any big change - the loss of a loved one, a big move to a new city, a divorce or separation - any kind of start over.

The emotional highs and lows come hand-in-hand with the honest realization that you are alone, that your destiny is in your hands and that you have to find the grit and the strength to be alone, and the courage to continue moving. To take that next step forward, to pull yourself out of that rut, to continue pushing for what you believe in, what you want, what you see yourself doing.

You have to believe, and try, and cry, and fail and start over and dig deeply.

And the times when you hear nothing but the crickets are the times when the biggest growth occurs.
It's when you face your demons and your darkness and you still manage to smile at your face in the mirror.

Today is a new day - let's see what unfolds!
~ lala

on the eve of my 39th birthday

It's the eve of my 39th birthday and I'm feeling so good! 
I have beautiful wonderful happy people who are my friends and chosen family
I have some very interesting job prospects that excite the shit out of me
I feel so free and unencumbered
I am strong and healthily, I am capable, I am carving if out my destiny
I am lucky and grateful to be healthy and whole
I am spiritual and gentle
I have the resources to help, the energy to want to help and the wherewithal to make it happen! 
I know what it feels like to love and to be loved and to touch and be touched. 
I have arms to hold people - to want them and to clasp them close to me
And I have the strength to let them go, without fear, and without needing them to return
I feel blessed and, at times, beautiful, especially as I watch a super moon in the sky or hear the sound of the ocean or feel the sun on my skin. 
I bathe in the happiness of life and the joy that I feel when I connect with those around me


Happy, happy birthday to me. I am so lucky!
~ lala

before you...

I love the kind of day that spreads itself open to you...
to possibility
The hours are ripe and swollen
And time crawls slowly
Giving you enough time to savor
The sweetness and richness
The sheer delicacy
Of nothingness and everything

Unfathomable depths - free for the taking
To use however you can imagine
However you can enjoy them
In whatever way you want

~ lml

the space between

between the next to-do list

between the piles of books next to your bed

between the chores and the logistics - 

the repetitive duties of the day

between the emails and the phone calls - 

the required communication that drains you

between the dreams and the wish lists - 

the desires that intoxicate you

between the tabs of bookmarked websites -

the endless information and content that buries you

between the what's next and the what's now...

is the space.

the space is quiet, restorative

the space is empty

it can cause anxiety and despair because of its depth and breadth

it can bring on insecurities and doubts

it is the discomfort of the unknown

but what it brings is peace

a chance to recharge and reflect

a place to grow

the space to stop your brain from panicking

and start thinking

the space to stop festering and floundering

and start growing

between today and tomorrow

I challenge you to find the space

between your expectations and your obligations

I challenge you to find freedom

- lml 

New blog: musings4change

It's been awhile since I've posted much, but it's a new year and I have an exciting new adventure!

I am finally finished school, after an incredible 17 month journey, and I've decided to carve out some of my delicious free time with a purpose.

This new blog, musings4change, will be my collection of information, insights, opportunities and ideas about the world of social media, mobile technology and international development. I will start by sharing what I find and what I am learning and, perhaps, it will lead to more.

I hope you join me in this journey.

~ lala