breathe

I finished off a hectic and demanding week, full of challenges and many beautiful surprises. Full of fatigue and the crazy hyperactive holiday season. Full of way too much rich food that was fantastic and too much brain power expenditure that hurt. I submitted my economics exam just now and I am sitting here, on the couch, soaking up the silence and the happy tired feeling of too little sleep and too much Coke Zero and finding that bliss in between my erratic heartbeat. Breathe.

holiday yearnings

A woman at work told me how excited she was to be going home for the holidays - that she was so thrilled to be able to pull her family together for a couple of days and immerse herself in the happy hubbub. Her words and her pure enthusiasm made my throat seize and my stomach clench. I was surprised by the visceral reaction that I had. Surprised at how much the vision of being surrounded by good friends and family made me want it in my own life right now.

I think I'm experiencing a strong case of the "can't haves" which will likely hit me in various ways over the next year and a bit. It gave me a huge reason to pause and to remember that I'm thinking of you (yes, you!) and all those beautiful souls who make up my life. Happy holiday season! Soak up the happy, joyful spirit this season - fill your boots with it! Thank you for your love!

life gifts

I am having one of those days where I have the space to soak up so many little indulgences in my life: good coffee, working from home, delicious pasta dinner, easy and warm connections with friends, laughter, long phone conversations, cuddles with purring cats, a walk in the fresk air, the gift of a bouquet of bright flowers, a cozy blanket, nailing a few stats problems, smiles that come my from emails, upbeat music, and the feeling of heading off to bed with a full and peaceful soul.

Be well. G'night!

lifeblood

I had a very vivid dream last night. I was a vampire and, with my fangs, I remember piercing the skin of my victim's neck. I could smell their musk (I don't know if it was a man or woman) and feel the throb of their pulse against my teeth and my lips. I remember how it felt, that slight resistance before I slid my teeth into them. I remember tasting their blood, thinking that it was unlike anything I had heard or read. There was no saltiness or metallic tang, only a heavy thickness and heat. I felt it coat my tongue and my throat and slide into my body. And then, there was a rush of energy and magic - as their lifeblood filled me. I felt lightheaded and intoxicated with this blast of adrenalin.

eye on the prize

I've been head down in school and work these past few months. It's easy to forget about the world around me - I feel caught up in homework assignments and due dates, late nights and take out.

A couple of things made me lift my head up and take stock of the world around me. Yes, there is a world - a great, big beautiful ball just ripe with life, love, sadness, sickness, humor, and connection.

• The weather has slipped into its brisk, Fall rhythm edging closer to the cool white Winter that we all know is just around the corner. The passage of time echoes like a clock inside of me.
  
• H1N1 invaded my house. Everyone is fine, thank goodness, but it did wonders for giving me perspective. Oh, yes, my health ... there you are. I take you for granted, don't I? How lucky am I!?
  
• I read an incredible speech by Paul Hawken. It floored me, really. Not simply because it was a breathtaking piece of writing but because it made me smile. It made me believe. It moved me. It reminded me about some of the dreams I have and how I am taking steps to get there. And it made me ache with the desire to realize them. "I'm working on it! Just give me some time..."
  
• I saw some pictures of my favorite little people all dressed up for Halloween. A dragon, a chicken, a ladybug, Hermione, a fairy... I had a delicious chuckle at those munchkins and I realized how much I miss getting that love. I'm going to need a fix soon and I'll just have to find a way to get it.

All together they were small, simple moments but they made me pause.
Thanks for reading.
Lala

Grading my learning

The grades have just started coming in. OK, one grade arrived today. One single grade for a 4 page assignment that was due the second week of class. Irrespective of the medium that the mark arrived in (an email instead of being handed out in class), I'm immediately right back there. In class. I've got the knot in my stomach and I'm fighting back tears. I'm thinking why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I have done better? I feel that deep yearning to want to succeed and, almost as quickly, the resigned "I'm not surprised, what did you expect?" shrugging of my shoulders. I am determined to change this habit - this old pattern of response and reflex. I WANT to learn. I want to improve. I want to be excited. I want to try harder. And yes, I want to do better. But I also, desperately, want to be OK with who I am.

That's going to be the hardest lesson for me to learn.

Good Friday to you!

I am happy today and I thought I'd share some of my soul smiles:

- Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize!

- It's a long weekend and I have an extra day off!

- I am reading a fantastic article about managing your energy and it's reminding me about the simple things in life.

- I am off to visit a good friend this weekend. I am going to soak up the outdoors, see some horses, and spend hours (hopefully) drinking red wine and catching up. Food for my soul, indeed!

- I'm feeling on top of the homework for the next couple of weeks. (Steady as she goes….)

- It's Thanksgiving - the perfect time of the year to reflect on how grateful I am and how wonderful my life is.

Be well everyone!
Lisa xo

balancing act

I'm imbalanced! I know this about myself. I love living in the moment and embracing it fully. And if that means squeezing all the goodness out of a day and leaving nothing of myself left over for other things, then that's how I roll. And if that means that I let hours go by with a good friend over a bottle of wine, and walk away tipsy from the conversation and the love, then that's something I do with relish. I like that part of me.

But it does present some interesting challenges, being imbalanced. It's even more clear to me these days, because I'm so focused on prying my eyes open in the morning with promises of heavily caffeinated beverages, working a full day (and a little extra to make up for school), heading home, figuring out dinner, settling myself at my desk for a good round of homework (with some daydreaming of travel, social gatherings and getting fit on the side), and collapsing in bed for a few pages of mind-numbing reading before slumbering for about 6 hours and starting it all over again in the morning. Don't get me wrong - I manage to find time to do some of the things that give me pleasure, I'm feeling energized and not at all physically exhausted. But I do realize, usually when my eyes start to droop and the book whacks my face a couple of times, that I've forgotten to shave or buy breakfast foods for the morning. That it was my niece's birthday (sorry Aly) and I forgot to call (I did send a card, but it's not the same thing). That I really need to change the bed linen, get a haircut, mail those letters, pay that bill, do some exercise, remember to call Mom and so on…

I guess this is how new parents and people who lead very busy lives feel! There is never enough time to do it all. The hard part for me is to remember to let go of the angst that I'm missing out, or that I'm not being a good friend (or Auntie or sister or daughter…). So, I do what I can in that moment. I make a choice, usually when I snuggle deep under the covers, to send out love and happy thoughts to the people in my life. I send smiles and virtual hugs out into the universe so that somewhere, hopefully, someone will feel it. I pause, to think of a face and a person whom I cherish - and to soak up the gratitude I feel about having them in my life. It makes me feel that even in those few minutes, I can foster something positive. And then I drift off to sleep with the gentle reminder to just go with the flow...

That's something I am good at.

hard to write

I'm finding it hard to write these days; not because I'm lacking time, which I am, nor because I'm lacking material, which I'm not, but because I'm in a bizarre place. My world is changing and I can feel it! My perspectives are shifting. My mind is stretching. Everything seems upside down.

I'm loving being in school! (I can't believe I am saying that!) I am thriving on the stimulation and the challenge. I'm soaking up new information and new interactions like a cup of coffee at 5am - greedy and guzzling. I am facing my fears head on and enjoying the thrill of experiencing a new way of dealing with things that I wouldn't have coped with in the past. I am dizzy and excited, feeling like an archaelogist discovering new worlds!

I am also, it seems, healing my old wounds. I can't seem to stop dreaming about my university days and I wake up feeling disoriented. I'm thrown off by the intense intellectual conversations with former friends and acquaintances in my dream world that seem like I just had them in my waking state. I get angry because past professors tell me that I am not capable of doing what I am. I catch myself calling people by the names of people from my past. I've even been driving to Cognos, my old stomping grounds, when I leave for work.

I find myself in situations with my new team that a month ago, a year ago, would have tied my stomach in knots and left me with a defeated sense of fatigue, that I now find invigorating and interesting. I am feeling challenged and open. I feel like I am in a trusted place to push these boundaries and try new things. I take charge. I listen. I ask questions. I read the newspaper and get it (for the most part).

I love my new team - the boys as I affectionately call them - we get along really well and I enjoy spending time with them. Which is a good thing, because we do spend a lot of time together. And yet, I'm sensitive to the fact that there are other people I miss hearing from and interacting with... a soreness that I know won't be taken care of for awhile yet. I'm cognizant that there may be a few close friends whom I won't know at the end of this journey, and a few new ones that will be added to my fold.

I recognize that it's early days yet, and I know I have a long 15 months ahead of me, but I am so thrilled by this buzz and this adrenalin surge in me. I find it fascinating that my soul wants to heal the past and lose my old conditioning as I blaze trails that I've never traveled on before. And for now, while I'm caught in this crazy place, all I can do is throw my head back and laugh! "Bring it on!"

it's that time

It's my last night of fun - of wasted time - of doing whatever my heart desires! No strings attached, no pangs of guilt, no obligations, no "I should be" thoughts, no late night cram sessions, no frantic assignment uploads, no crammed-brain syndrome, no bags under my eyes, no stupefying blinks, no wild heart palpitations, no brewing coffee at 2am, no anxiety dreams, no stomach knots, no greasy take-out because the fridge is empty, no wistful yearnings of beaches and getaways, no coffee spills on binders, no laptop battery deaths at the local coffee shop, no shallow breathing, no shaking hands, no exam writing, no sleepless nights, and no wondering what my friends are up to because I haven't talked to them in years...

...Tonight, I'm taking a break!

I'm being frivolous. I'm being neglectful. I'm being careless. I'm wasting time! And I intend to enjoy it! : )

channel changing

I find my biggest source of stress and anxiety comes when I try and visualize my future. When I try and see the path that I think I need to take to get from A to B.

Whether I'm trying to figure out how to carve out my career; where I see myself living; what I envision for myself in retirement; whether I'll pass my EMBA; how I see my place within my circle of family and friends; if I'm going to buy a house; whether I plan on having any children or not... I end up feeling quite anxious and uneasy.

It doesn't matter if the questions come from my own heart or from inquiring minds around me (financial planners, family members, people I just meet...), as soon as they are released, I feel the weight of panic and noise settle in. The view is fuzzy - I have no clear picture in my head. I feel a strong sense of "I should know this answer!" and "What's going to happen to me?" These feelings pummel me and, like I would adjust a distorted tv channel, I feel compelled to try and fine tune myself. I feel compelled to have an answer and to KNOW the truth.

It takes me a while to remember that the scratchy radio station in my mind is a good thing! I believe the universe is trying to remind me that there IS NO road to the future. The road exists today. The path I need to follow is one that is created by my actions and my presence right now. If I'm not here, then I'm not carving out what I need to, to get to wherever I need to go. Reminding myself of that. Taking that deep breath and exhaling. Being in the moment. That is where the answers exist.

My kind of weather

It's been hot and sticky here in Ottawa. The temperatures are soaring and the humidity grabs you in a bear hug and holds you down - making it difficult to breathe.

We don't have air conditioning in our house, so we keep ourselves cool with ice water and cold compresses. Cold showers. Lots of fans. We wear shorts and tank tops. We walk slowly and drink lots. I pull my hair off my head with elastic bands - exposing my neck to release some of the heat in my body. There is a sheen to my skin. Constantly. I feel tacky. I feel like I need to be in water.

And, I absolutely love this weather. To me, this is summer. This is what I wait for all year! This is my kind of weather. And I am soaking it up like a sponge and relishing every sticky, sweaty drop of it! YAY!

Happy hat day!

I'm sitting here, giggling, wearing a giant Gerber flower hat on my head. At work. : )

It's "happy hat day" here - and a couple colleagues and I are trying to inject some lightness and humor in our workday. People have been swamped and overwhelmed with some unclear direction as we navigate a new organization. As a result, we all are being asked to wear many hats. And thus, the idea. ; )

In honor of everyone wearing many hats in their personal and professional lives, I urge you to celebrate like this...just for a giggle or two.

~ lala

Groovy

I just had a brilliant conversation with a man who lived a lot of his youth in the 1970s. He talked about how, at that time, the energy that was flowing was unbelievable. It was palpable. New music emerged on a weekly basis. People connected quickly and effortlessly. There were life-changing events that occurred so frequently, it was hard to keep track of the landscape. He said that it was a time where your formed intense and authentic connections with people during the midst of these powerful events. Sometimes lasting for years.

He said he feels like today, and how we are living right now, has the same vibe as that era. It has the same energy. The same easy and mind-blowing connections are being made through avenues like Facebook and Google searches. He feels the same kind of rhythm in the speed with which we do things, the access to information and data, the desire for finding meaning in everything we do. The fact that new music is being created in interesting ways. The fact that the landscape of the world is changing in ways we don't always fathom.

I loved hearing about this energy. This passion. This excitement. This world just resonating with electricity. It's groovy!

color

In one of my Juicy Journaling sessions, SARK asked what role color plays in my life. When I read that question, I realized that color is a huge part of my life. I reflected on the fact that I am attracted to bright, bold splashes of it. That I dream in technicolor. That when I have a migraine aura, it comes in flashes and jagged edges of bright blues, reds, purples and oranges. That when I am feeling especially connected, I can even sometimes see a person's aura - represented to me in different colored hues.

I realized that I love color and I love finding color, especially in the places I travel to! My adventures are intertwined with color and the colors etch themselves in my mind, when I think back on a city or a country.

I remember when I was in Ireland in 2006 - I discovered the multitude of shades of green that were a part of the countryside. At times, they seemed to be fluorescent - the hues popped out so vibrantly. Balanced against the rough, grey stone of the West coast and the thatched-roof houses that could be mistaken for being dour, the green added a playfulness to the landscape. Like a mischievous leprechaun winking at you as he danced across a field.

This year, I was in the Middle East, and I remember the rich, dusky burnt-red textures of the Omani desert - spilling out like a matte paint - that coated the surface of everything. The hot, smooth sand that I could feel in my hair, lined my face, stuck to my eyelashes, and caressed my toes. The grit that I could feel in my teeth. Where the hide of camels and other desert animal life blended in so magnificently, you felt you were adrift in an orange-red ocean, with waves and ripples obscuring the shore.

I remember the crystal clear turquoise water of the ocean of Turks and Caicos, and how the white sand sparkled like fresh snow in the glare of the hot sunlight. The brilliant flashes of color coming from the plentiful sea life that lived just below the surface of that warm, inviting tapestry. The saltiness enveloping and washing over you.

I remember the splashes of pinks, purples and yellows of the Painted Ladies - as they called the Victorian houses that lined the streets of San Francisco. Tall and narrow, the pointed roofs reaching up towards the blue sky. We used to drive by them as we passed Golden Gate park on our way into the city.

And I remember the way the steel bowls of the Thai night markets caught the neon lights and street lamps. Bouncing like rubber balls off of shiny surfaces and people's faces, reflecting the mouth-watering curries, vegetables, and banana/chocolate crepes inside.

Clearly color comes to me like poetry - helping me shape my experiences with textures and a language unto its own - vivid; brilliant; rich...

the question of the week

I was asked a question this weekend that made me pause. It got my mind buzzing, my soul stretching and made me uncomfortable, embarassed, frazzled and excited.

"What are you excellent at!?"

How would you answer this question?

chaos

Chaos is 22 members of my family converging in a cottage, on an island, for a week. Fun, crazy, stimulating, wonderful, exasperating.... I have no idea what to expect!

How to be unremarkably average

I borrowed this from a remarkable, unconventional thinker. It made me stop in my tracks because so much of this reads like how I've chosen to live parts of my life. The good news is that I am neither going to accept this at face value NOR do I agree that this is how I want to live my entire life!

It still made me think. How do you feel reading it?

Simple Tips for a Risk-Free Life:
Accept what people tell you at face value. Surround yourself with people who think like you. Don’t stand out. Stay close to home. Get a normal job. Do things the way everyone else does, because there has to be a method to the madness.

College
Go to college because someone said you should get a degree, not because you want to learn anything. Take four years to finish, or maybe even five. No one’s counting. Take out student loans to “invest in yourself.” Follow the plan in your course catalog even if you hate some of the classes. Believe your advisor when she says you have to do things a certain way. Jump through hoops. Check off boxes.

Personal Finance
Use your credit card as your primary means of spending. Get the largest mortgage you can qualify for. Fill it with plasma TVs and expensive furniture. Buy a big, new car and complain about the cost of gas. Spend all you earn, or maybe even more than you earn. The government will help you if there’s a recession. Spend money on things you don’t want but will help you impress others.
Give token amounts of money to charity. Change the channel when a charity appeal comes on. Believe the 3,000 marketing messages that the average person in the U.S. and Canada receives every day. You need things you’ve never heard of before because they will help you feel better about yourself. You deserve to buy luxury products because you’ve earned the right through your hard work.

Travel
Go overseas once or twice in your life, to somewhere safe like England. Tell everyone what a great cross-cultural experience it was to visit London. (“They talk so differently over there!”) Wherever you go, make absolutely sure that you will be safe and comfortable. McDonald’s is now in 119 countries, so you can always find something good to eat.
If you want to be brave, go to somewhere like Mexico. Never travel unaccompanied to any place “really foreign.” Don’t try to speak any language other than English. If people don’t understand you, speak louder. Africa is for safaris and Asia is for cities with big shopping malls. Don’t drink the water!

Work
Work at a job you don’t like for the majority of your professional life. Sit at a desk 40 hours a week for an average of 10 hours of productive work. One day, the corner cubicle will be all yours. Until then, get really good at Minesweeper. Read every article on CNN.com every day. Attend useless meetings. Take the credit when things go right. Put the blame on someone else when things go wrong. Never take responsibility for anything. When you fail at something, resolve to never try again.
Form alliances of convenience to survive office conflict. When you are forced to mediate a disagreement, make your judgment on the basis of personality instead of principle. To advance in management, don’t confront anyone and only give positive reviews. Instead of trying to fix big problems, focus on unproductive work that everyone notices. In times of crisis, wonder out loud what someone will do. Polish the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Authority
Don’t question authority; it’s there for a good reason. Believe in and actively defend “the way things used to be” even if your memory is hazy about when that actually was. Feel threatened by new ideas. Never be the voice of dissent. Support your country’s foreign policy when it is popular and reject it when it is unpopular. Don’t wonder about someone’s motivations for pursuing one choice over another.

***
Don’t worry, be happy
Don’t worry about being average, because no one will ever question you about it. Average is the status quo. Politicians pander to the average out of political necessity. When they try to promote their own unconventional ideas, they quickly learn how risky it is to be truly different. If you go through life following this advice, you’ll find yourself in good company with virtually everyone who lives an unremarkably average life.

What more could you want?

camp SARK

I signed up for an e-camp with SARK - the quirky, inspirational, creative soul who seems to pop into my world at just the most perfect times.

Camp is 30 days of thought-provoking emails to get your juices flowing. To dig deep into your world of words and see what comes to the surface. I thought it would be fun to play a little, before school starts. Something to challenge and excite me.

Today was Day 1:
1. Create a list of gorgeous moments
2. Write about one item on that list more deeply
3. Create another list of gorgeous moments, centering around nature and the outdoors
4. Write a poem from the contents of the list

gorgeous moments, list #2:
- Sunshine on my face
- Wind whipping around my hair
- The smell of the ocean
- The roar of waves crashing on the shore
- The sound of birds in the early mornings
- The deafening vibration of frogs in the summer
- The crackling sound of an orange hot fire; flames licking the wood
- Fresh rain on the grass
- Watching animals just be
- Lilac bushes in the spring
- Hiking to the top of a mountain – my heart pounding with exertion and altitude, the blood coursing through my body, tingling my fingers, and the breathtaking feeling of being able to fall off the world

The world outside
I crested the top of the mountain
Feeling the sunshine on my face.
The wind whipped around my hair
And I could smell the ocean.
Like the salt of your skin when I pulled you close.

I stood still – my heart pounding with exertion and altitude –
and I could feel the blood coursing through my body.
My fingers tingled, in time with the roar of waves crashing on the shore.

I knew that I would be here, watching you;
Hearing the crackling sound of an orange hot fire as the flames licked the wood.
Like I’d lick my lips after our kiss.

And the sweat between us; as fragrant as fresh rain on the grass
Would quench my thirst. Until the next time.
The next breathtaking feeling of being able to fall off the world.

-lml, July 24

sewing love

I held her face between my hands and I kissed her furrowed brow. Trying to soften the deep fissures that threatened to reveal the depths of her sorrow. I smoothed back her hair and looked into her eyes. I told her that our little patches, little fabrics of love - the pieces of ourselves that we share with the people we treasure and the people who fill our souls - can be sewn together to make a beautiful quilt. Alone, that one square may seem small and insignificant. But together, they bring warmth, comfort and peace. That beautiful weight that envelopes and covers you just before you drift off to sleep.

I told her that was what family was. And I told her that was what she had in her life already. That she just needed to bring those pieces together and sew her own quilt. And then I wiped the tears from her face and kissed her lips.

~ That was my dream last night. I don't know who I was speaking to but the message moved me a great deal.

social - work - life

Those people who know me know that I'm a social person. I truly enjoy people. I like interacting with people on a regular basis. The times when I'm not around folks, I often feel a little hollow - a little askew - like something is missing or something is off.

I guess I am a bit of a community whore - I like being around people. I like sharing laughter and friendship. I like feeling that I belong. I know I feed off the positive energy that comes with connecting. And I'm equally as affected by interactions with people who send off negative energy.

So, it's been an interesting discovery for me to realize that 9 months into my new job (I guess it's technically not new any more), I've yet to make a close connection. Don't get me wrong - there are some fun and talented, interesting, enlightened, and really beautiful people who work here - but I'm not participating. I'm not engaged. I'm eating lunches alone, working on an independent team who functions quite competently on their own, and I'm not socializing with folks outside of work.

Interesting.

I suspect some of these tendencies have to do with the fact that I'm changing; gearing up for school and anticipating that I will be busy and unable to have much of an existence outside of work/school. I suspect some of it may also be that's my extroverted and social tendencies are shifting. I'm more restless, more impatient with myself, less open to the world around me.

A lot of those feelings have to do with me steeling myself for the next year and half. Some of those feelings have to do with many unanswered, "what is my purpose in life?" questions that I have in front of me. Some has to do with learning to hunker down and get done what needs to be done in the little time that I have. Some has to do with recognizing that the people I am close to are blazing off on their life journeys. Some has to do with anxieties coming to surface.

Wherever these feelings come from, I'm just quietly observing this shift in me. Recognizing that it's a change, a rather momentous one, in my life and my temperament and my desires. Acknowledging that it's neither permanent nor absolute.

Happiness in the midst of Blues

To me, there is nothing more that screams "It's summer!" than a series of outdoor concerts, hot weather, cold drinks, throngs of people laughing, waving their arms, connecting with friends and loved ones, singing and dancing, and getting up to mischief.

It's Bluesfest time in Ottawa. It's time for 10 days of bliss. Time to put you day-to-day drudgery aside; all those noisy, irksome responsibilities. It's time to put on some comfortable clothes (don't forget your shades!) and head down the Lebreton Flats for a rockin' good time. Discover some new sounds, hear some old favorites, let everything else go in the presence of music.

See you there!

Right brain vs Left brain

I watched this video of a brain scientist who had a stroke. She used her stroke as an opportunity to really understand how the left brain and the right brain work. (Talk about the ultimate science experiment!) She goes into great detail about the differences between these two parts of our brain; blending spirituality and science in a captivating way.

Watch it for yourself! I'd love to hear what you think.

http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html

summer reading list

I was halfway through my latest Lee Child book, Die Trying, starring the unflappable, restless wandering hero, Jack Reacher, when I received my summer reading list from Queen's. Once I'm done this action-packed piece of fiction, I've got to dig into a different kind of summer reading buffet in preparation for school:

• The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't (Robert I. Sutton)
• Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done (Larry Bossidy)
• Succeeding in Statistics by Ronald E. Shiffler & Arthur J. Adams (to be reviewed)
• Queen's: Finance and Accounting Workbook (to be completed)
• Strategy: A View from the Top by Cornelis A. de Kluyver & John A. Pearce II
• A Writer's Handbook by Leslie E. Casson (I think I'm going to be OK with this one!)

It all looks very interesting and demanding. I'm almost ready to get started...

...once I finish with Reacher. : )

5 years

A couple of months ago, I celebrated a major milestone. 5 years ago, I left Mike.

It's been a crazy 5 years. Like the bubbly champagne froth that explodes up the glass and spills over the sides, I have experienced a lot of drama and adventure and change!

I left a 15 year marriage. I experienced the loss of Kona. I moved 5 times. I had two new roommates. I changed jobs twice, and moved to a new company. Many of my closest friends experienced tumultuous changes in their own relationships and lives. I discovered my own sexuality and the kind of relationships I wanted for myself. I watched the destruction and downward spiral of my beautiful little sister, Lisa. And then I watched as she grew healthy and thrived. I travelled around the world. I moved in with Jack and Gaby. I left search & rescue. I watched as friends got married and had babies. I enrolled in school!

Let's just say that in the last 5 years, there has been a lot of adventure. A lot of change! A lot of "new" things.

I realize, as I reflect on these years, that I am good with change. I thrive on it. I am resilient. I am capable. And, dare I say, I actually love it.

But, in the last few months, I've experienced a different kind of place. A different kind of world. Things are quiet. There doesn't seem to be the kind of drama and tension and upheaval from before. The long, sleepless nights fraught with worry. The anxiety in my stomach. The build up to a difficult conversation. The need to be constantly vigilant in my words and my actions. The loss of friendships and loneliness with finding a place where I fit in. The fear that I am making a wrong decision. The adrenaline that comes with the unknown. The new. The sheer thrill of jumping in with both feet. The pounding of my heart with throwing caution to the wind.

Aside from a few rowdy evenings with good friends, my life is moving to a different rhythm. There's a steady beat. A quiet satisfaction. A calm. I don't worry about where I'm going to be next, what I have to do, the decisions that weigh on me, the difficult choices, the fear, the escape, and that exhilaration of seeing what's around the next corner.

Don't get me wrong - I live in the moment, as best as I am able. And I have no idea where tomorrow or 9pm tonight will bring me. But, as I sit here on a Friday evening, I want to celebrate something different. I want to raise a glass to toast to the peace that I feel. The ease in my body. The love that surrounds me.

And I look forward, with relish, to whatever my next adventure will be!

riding the rollercoaster

Things that have stirred up emotion in me the last few days...

- hearing about my second Aunt who's just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Both live so far away from me (Hungary and BC) and I keep wishing I could swing by their respective homes and deliver a hug to them in person.

- getting an email from a friend filled with love and support and practical things that I could do or think about doing for both my Aunts. It was unexpected and much more deeply needed than I thought.

- meeting a new friend of a friend whose family comes from a small town in Hungary; the same small town that my own father hails from, Szombathely! What a small world!

- someone reminding me of the fact that I'm nearing 40 and I may want to think about having kids before its too late. Who says it's ever too late?

- being given a chance at work to buy more vacation days (score!) and remembering that I am taking time off for school already (damn!).

- connecting with my Dad about taking a trip together to Hungary to see where he grew up and where he lived as a youngster.

- being invited to celebrate fathers' day with members of my chosen family.

Who needs to go to Canada's Wonderland to ride a rollercoaster?

like drinking a glass of iced water in the desert

This passage was wonderful to read. Anne Morrow Lindbergh has such a powerful way of describing how to be in the moment with people, how to experience them as they are. The elasticity of relationships that she describes is something that really resonates with me. I want that for myself. I want to live that. And I feel lucky in my life that I can try and practice that way of connecting and relating to another person. I have a tremendous circle of friends (and friends with benefits) in my life.

I think about love and relationships a fair amount. I often assess whether a behavior or response that I see is something I want for myself. Whether it makes me feel comfortable and at ease or whether it makes me very wound up and emotional.

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand.

We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now.

Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides."
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

reflections on me with a little person

I had the privilege a few weekends ago to care for a little person for an entire weekend. She is an amazing girl - energetic, determined and affectionate. She's happy and well-adjusted and a lot of fun.

I had been asking do this for a long while (and wanting to do it). I love being around little people. I feel good around them! They energize me and fill me with happiness. I love interacting with them. I understand them. I like them. And so, I thought I was more than ready for this.

It was an experience I will not forget! It was beautiful, powerful and exhausting and, surprisingly enough, it generated a huge number of emotional responses in me.

I even cried a few tears during the weekend - both from profound feelings of love and yearnings and from many of my biggest fears coming to the surface. I've finally had a few minutes to reflect on my feelings and try and capture them in words.

• the heady intoxication of a brilliant kind of love and attention; mesmerizing and all consuming. I *get* why people fall in love with their children.
  
  
• watching a face light up at seeing you come into a room.
  
  
• hearing belly laughs and giggles. It makes it so easy to smile and remember how good life is.
  
  
• the fun of playing and laughing and enjoying the moment. What a high!
  
  
• experiencing the pure pleasure that results from watching a little person feel proud at something they learned how to do.
  
  
• feeling like you are an important person, that you are loved and cherished.
  
  
• feeling the freedom to love them back intensely, especially in a society that doesn't generally accept or understand that kind of love.
  
  
• the awesome weight of responsibility; the black hole of absorption. How do parents ever leave the house?
  
  
• fatigue. The sheer exhaustion of being around an energetic, rambunctious, happy almost-two-year old!
  
  
• the lack of interest in my own self. I didn't care what I ate (or didn't), what I looked like, whether I had showered. I couldn't even think about shagging!
  
  
• the emotional distress that I experienced at seeing a meltdown. I had a strong desire to want to make her happy - at whatever cost.
  

I don't expect to find answers to the questions that these reactions generated. I sincerely hope I get another opportunity to be with her and I suspect the next time I get the chance to take care of her it may be easier or it may be harder. I guess I just won't expect it to be anything than what it is.

I am, however, fascinated by the feelings that I experienced. That was a lot packed into a short period of time! It made me realize all the intensity that a parent must feel around their little people. The incredible highs and the challenging lows. And that beautiful balance of somehow navigating it all on a daily basis. Wow.

doing more

My heart feels a little heavy today. A little full and a little sore. I feel like I've been spending a lot of my time taking these days (taking love, taking friendship, taking food, taking pleasure, taking joy, taking goodness, taking laughter, taking smiles, taking fun, taking sleep, taking and taking...) and I feel like it's time for me to give. 

And just when I feel so ready to do something, I'm reminded about the big step that I've chosen to do, that I've committed to doing, in the Fall. Just when I feel like I've taken enough, spent the last 5 years living for myself with no thought to the world around me, I remember that I'm doing yet another thing just for me. Another thing that will take away time from helping someone else. Make someone's life a little easier. 

*sigh* 

First step: complete the EMBA program.
Next step: do something more (volunteer with Red Cross, teach English, be a big sister, volunteer at the Humane Society, volunteer at a soup kitchen, be a foster parent...)

homecoming

After 4 weekends away, it was an absolute pleasure to come home last night. I was so happy about being immersed in my little space. Upon my arrival, I got a big bear hug and delicious kiss from J. While I unpacked my bag, I cuddled Chloe (who purred while crawling into my duffel bag in search of the source of the strange new city smells). I made my bed with the new linens I purchased at Simons (my only purchase of the weekend) and put on some comfortable pjs. I made myself a delicious bagel and cup of tea and took a few minutes to thank my beautiful friends for accepting me and my rowdy and raucous behavior in Montreal (giggle). I played rock band with the crew until my voice cracked with fatigue. I did laundry and was so grateful for the clean house that I came home to. I watched an episode of Lost, ruffled my freshly made bed, and soaked up the feeling of drifting off to sleep in a tangle of limbs. *sigh*

home sweet home, until my next adventure! 

let's get physical

I'm a physical person and I love exercise and moving my body. It makes me happy and gives me a natural high. While I was walking home last night, I was thinking about all the sports I've tried and tested over the years. In my lifetime, I've done the following:

swimming (back stroke, front crawl, butterfly), basketball, hiking, gymnastics, track & field (long jump, high jump, hurdles, 800m, 400m, 50 yd dash), cross-country running, marathon running, sprint distance running races (5K, 10K), triathlons (sprint, Olympic, & long course distance), road racing (criteriums and road races), mountain bike racing, cyclocross racing, Nordic skiing, skate skiing, downhill skiing, tobogganing, snowboarding, snow shoeing, ice skating, rollerskating, roller blading, skateboarding, windsurfing, snorkeling, SCUBA diving, water skiing, surfing (once, but I want to do more!), beach volleyball, indoor volleyball, archery, lacrosse (once), soccer, dodgeball, flag football, ballroom dancing, pole dancing, skipping jump rope, hula-hooping, trampolining, softball, tennis, badminton, horseback riding, adventure racing, kayaking, rowing, canoeing, rappelling, rock climbing, white water rafting, dragon boating, aerobics, yoga, fencing, floor hockey, inner tube water polo, bowling, bicycle polo, wake boarding, body boarding, squash, racquetball, croquet, curling, ping pong, and weightlifting.

*phew!* ...and there is still so much to try and do! : )

I have to say that despite all the things I've tried and done over the years, my favorite form of exercise is walking. I find it easy, spiritual, and a great way to explore a city or a place. It's powerful and my body loves it!

Hoofing it

I'm walking to work most days and loving the energy, sunshine and the smile that is on my face as I stride along, arms swinging, head bopping, ear buds in place. It's a happy time for me! I love moving my body. I love the sound of my music blasting in my ears. I love the smiles that I share with fellow commuters. It's intoxicating. 

I guess I move pretty quickly, too, because yesterday, on my way home I got headbutted by a big fat bumblebee. He whacked me so hard on the forehead that he flew away in a dizzy spiral. I got a good laugh at that. He probably thought he had smacked into a brick wall! 

wedding card shopping

I went wedding card shopping last night and found it exasperating and exhausting. I wanted to find something authentic; something that captured my wishes and my being. Something that was honest. 

All the cards I found spoke of true love, forever love, lifetimes together.... none of them talked about the happiness that is found right now, today, in this moment. The feeling that comes with living the truth for the present and not setting expectations or obligations for the future. The realization that you love someone fully today without knowing what tomorrow may bring. The pure pleasure in connecting with a soul friend and the fun, excitement, enjoyment of wanting to be with them, without the weight of being absolutely sure of everything from this point onwards. Because how can you be certain? Ever? Because we all do change and grow and we experience life differently at different times. 

So, I decided I'd write my own set of wedding cards that I could use to celebrate the lovelies in my life that I know who are getting married. Something you probably couldn't find in Hallmark. Something that comes from me... with all my own filters, preconceived notions, and personal hangups, admittedly... : )

Congratulations! 
To celebrating life and all the joy that comes with opening yourself up to love. 

To making the choice to be here right now and loving with abandon.

To sharing your soul with a friend and a lover. 

To immersing yourself in this moment fully - laughing, loving, celebrating and living!

To love - experiencing all the joy and happiness that this moment brings you.

To the beauty of this moment - may your soul be filled with love, laughter and lightness.

I could go on an on... but I suspect you get the gist. 

To everyone who's filling their lives with love in whichever way makes them happy, I am sending you the warmest of wishes and much peace.  xo

Nurturing your soul....

I sent this to a dear friend today, and I thought I'd post it here for myself (and you) for future reflection.

It's raining here… pretty hard… and I'm looking out the window at work thinking about all the nourishment that the rain gives the earth. How much we thirst for water, in our own bodies.

And that made me think about different kinds of thirsts. I saw this today, and thought of you, my lovely friend. I thought your soul might be thirsty and that perhaps there was some food in these items that might bring you some peace.

10 Things to Nurture your Soul*

1. Tell The Truth
We speak in terms of "searching our soul" when we need to find answers for life's deep questions. The soul is the seat of our own truth and is a demand for it. We must seek the truth and tell it. Skate by the truth as your soul knows it, and sooner or later, you'll be back to re-visit the subject you avoided. The soul settles for nothing less than the bare naked truth.

2. Spend Time In Nature
Live close to the earth and you'll know its soul. When you know the soul of nature, you'll know your own. Spend time in the natural world and allow yourself to connect with all living things and you will find your place in the order of life. You will see yourself as a part of nature, no more and no less than the stars and the trees. The soul rests in the natural world.

3. Experience Your Experience
The soul is a junkie for experience. It loves it all! The soul has no preference for pain or joy; just a demand that we experience whatever is true in the moment. When grief or sadness are upon you, feel them, experience them. Through these harder emotions, new doors open and great freedom enters. When joy and passion are present, live them out loud. The soul is a glutton for living with gusto!

4. Live On The Edge
"Man is so made that when anything fires his soul, impossibilities vanish." --Jean De La Fontaine

Live out to the edges of your life. That's where the soul thrives. The soul seeks possibilities that can only be found beyond what is already known, safe and comfortable. It does not understand the meaning of "impossible". What is already known is already known. To the soul, the "juice" lies in the unknown, where all things are possible. The soul calls us to come to the edge, then go beyond.

5. Learn To Dance In The Rain
There will be times in your life when the sun doesn't shine. Dance anyway. There will be times when life is painful. Dance with your pain. The soul is naturally drawn to the dark, tight places inside. Its job is to expand those places so the light can shine into and through them. Dance with whatever cards you're dealt, then tell the truth about it. The soul is nothing if not an excellent dancer. Give it the dance floor and step aside!

6. Uncontrollable Belly Laughter
Laughter is good medicine for the soul. Nothing can uplift the spirit and lighten the soul like a good laugh that starts at your belly and explodes through your whole body. It's orgasmic! The soul needs orgasms as much as the body needs them. Who do you laugh with? Have a "laughter date" at least once a week. It's OK to be silly, hokey, corny, all the things your ego wouldn't deign to be. Get a grip and let her rip!

7. Meditation
To meditate is to enter the soul's inner temple. Here, you'll hear the soul's whisper. Meditation is like drinking water after crawling through the desert. It quenches the soul's thirst for silence and stillness.

8. Keep A Journal
Having kept a journal for over thirty years, looking back, I see than many of the same questions are with me today as thirty years ago, I'm just on a different turn of the wheel. I'm taking a deeper cut. I'm more surrendered to the wisdom unfolding as my life. All of this comes through my writing as I see my soul's process over the long arc of time expressed on the pages of my journal. It's a living document that you were here, you lived a life, you loved, you lost, you learned. Be sure to record your dreams, which are the language of the soul.

9. Love Fully
At the end of the day, how much did you love? Were you a lover of life, the world? Did you love with a big, wide, open, generous heart? Did you love without conditions? This is what will matter when you come to the finish line. The soul is here to learn to love it all, even and perhaps especially, those things the ego thinks are unlovable. Love the unlovable parts of yourself and others and your soul will find peace.

10. Bring A Sense Of The Sacred
To the soul, it's all holy. It's all sacred. Every moment, every experience, every blade of grass, every bug that crawls, every baby that cries, every tear that's shed, every gesture of love, every act of kindness..... it's all sacred. To bring a sense of the sacred to every moment is to live out the mission of the soul.

*Thanks to Judith Rich who used her words to describe such a powerful recipe for living

and the wheels go 'round

Perhaps it's the copious cups of coffee, the chattering that happens within the closed confines of a car and the high caffeine content, the music streaming from the radio, or the endless ribbon of asphalt that unravels in front of your eyes...

..whatever it is, there is something about a road trip that inspires reflection.

On this particular long weekend, driving along quiet stretches of highways in Quebec, I listened to these Starsailor lyrics "So I turn to you and I say, thank goodness for the good souls, that make life better. So I turn to you and I say, if it weren't for the good souls, life would not matter." and I was consumed with thoughts of friends, love, and the beautiful experiences that both of these have brought to my world. Heady food for thought, indeed.

I've learned and explored a few things in the last few years about both. I consider these to be my own personal life lessons and I feel blessed that I've had the chance to experience them and grow from them.

- friendship is powerful force and has rocked my world more intensely than I could ever expected.

- there is nothing quite like the feeling of being with little people and being able to soak up their energy, laughter, and ability to live in the moment.

- people will come into your life bearing gifts. It's up to you to find what those gifts are and to use them without hesitation or restraint. Often it's not until much later in life that you recognize them for the impact that they had on you.

- when in the presence of love - the kind that fills your soul, brings a happy ache to your heart and tears to your eyes - stop whatever it is that you are doing, let the feeling flow down to your toes, and smile. Be still, be grateful, and soak it up!

- I don't know that I believe that I can change the world, but I do believe that people heal in the presence of love. Years of anger and hatred, fear and doubt can transform into courage, confidence and acceptance. It takes time and it takes openness. I believe that what we need to do to help make a global impact starts with a simple desire to want to treat one person differently.

- I am an incredibly lucky and blessed person and I am so grateful for all the people, experiences, and fortune that surrounds me. I recognize that life is short and I intend to fill mine with as much love, laughter and life as I possibly can.

A new girl

It's a girl! Anna Elizabeth Hogue was born last night. Congratulations, Gina & Stuart. I can't wait to meet your new little one. : )

The coolest feeling in the world...

...is my sister sending me text messages while she's in labor!!!!!!! I can't help it but I'm crying. I almost feel like I'm there. 

I love you, Gina! Good luck! 

My archetype: the giver

On Tuesday, I saw a cat in a tree, stuck high above the branches, all four paws on hydro wires, supporting his weight by leaning against the hydro pole. He was meowing. He attempted to move a couple of times, got spooked by the wires, and stayed where he was.

I called the Fire department (what else do you do?) and they dispatched my call to Ottawa Hydro. While I was waiting for them, I noticed that a sign had been posted by the Humane Society. Since 10:46 am, the cat had been noticed and was being monitored by them, and the note suggested that the cat would come down on its own.

I called the woman from the Humane Society. She said they usually leave cats for at least 24 hours, as the cats, in the dark and when it's quiet, will come down on their own. She said if he was still there in the morning, she'd call Ottawa Hydro. I asked if I could leave some food and water there for him, as a possible lure. She thought that was a good idea.

Wednesday morning, as I drove to work, I saw that the cat was still there. Still in the same position. It had been over 24 hours. The poor guy. I called the Humane Society immediately and left a message for my contact. I had a three hour meeting at work, and when that was done, I walked to see if the cat had been taken down. He was gone and the Hydro crews were trimming trees branches to keep a space between the trees and the hydro poles. All was good!

I reflected on these events a lot walking home last night. Why was I so interested in being involved? Why did I expend so much energy on a cat that wasn't even mine? It's funny because it didn't even matter to me who's cat it was. I could imagine his relief and exhaustion at being down. I could visualize him arriving at home meowing at his family as if to say "You would not believe the day I just had."

I realized that I became involved mostly because I felt compelled to do something. I felt like I couldn't just walk by and disengage. It seemed like such a simple thing to do - help one cat stuck in a tree. Life can be incredibly difficult at times and having the opportunity to do something so simple seemed so natural.

All of these emotions reminded me that I'm a giver. I like to help. I feel good when I am doing something for someone or something. And it made me take stock of the life that I am living these days. I'm not living that part of me. I'm having a lot of fun. I'm connecting regularly with people who give me positive energy and love. I am very content and peaceful. But I think there is energy that I have that I'm not using. I am not volunteering. I only occasionally see my little sister. I've given up Search & Rescue. I guess you could say, I'm hungry to do more.

I just got accepted into the EMBA program which starts in the Fall. I suspect that I will need to wait a little bit longer to have the time (and energy) to be available to volunteer - but it was a good reminder to me that I have this energy to put to good use. It's there for the taking. So why waste it?

learning

When I think about school:

I remember the angst
I remember not fitting in
I remember wondering what my destiny was
I remember worrying about the world
I remember feeling determined to do something about it
I remember hating myself
I remember harboring secrets
I remember wanting things so badly my stomach would twist in pain
I remember struggling
I remember not understanding the magic of learning
I remember feeling inadequate
I remember being afraid
I remember being able to understand people who also felt out of sorts
I remember wanting to help them
I remember feeling lost
I remember laughing easily especially over stupid things
I remember how easily things affected me
I remember crying often and hard
I remember wishing that things were different
I remember living in a fantasy world
I remember yearning to run away
I remember watching popular people with awe
I remember fumbling
I remember stumbling
I remember feeling awkward
I remember growing 5 inches so quickly
I remember towering over the rest of my class, boys included
I remember how much I loved to read
I remember that I wanted to be actress
I remember not making it into any plays
I remember creating stories and movies in my head
I remember going there for fun and comfort
I remember taking long walks in the mountains behind my house
I remember thinking that there was a reason for my existence and that I just needed to find out what it was
I remember the soul friends that I did make, how rare they were, and how they still make me smile when I think of them

Years later, I am thinking about going back to school and I've been assaulted by all these memories and fears and wants. I am a different person, in many ways, and yet I am someone who is still haunted by the ghosts of desire (to do good things, to be a part of a community, to feel acceptance in my heart, to help this world).

I like that I am stretching myself to reexamine this relationship. To look at it through a different lens. To open myself up to the beautiful experience of learning. Learning something new, stretching my mind, gaining a different perspective, giving myself permission to try and try and hopefully succeed in understanding something that is unfamiliar. What a fortunate place to be in! What an incredible chance to be bold and find courage. A chance to redefine myself and change old patterns.

How often in one's life will I have the chance to be immersed in growth like this? It's a good opportunity - one that makes me excited and anxious and determined. We'll see where it leads me!

Achhoooo!

The great news is that the seasons are changing in Ottawa. The sunshine is coming out, the weather is getting hotter, and the flowers and trees are in bloom.

The bad news is that my allergies are exploding in a bad way. Grrr....
Makes me long for the desert dryness and heat of Oman.

Thankfully, I've got an arsenal of Nasonex, Aerius and Kleenex at hand.
I just feel badly for my lovely housemates who get to hear me sneeze and honk and rub my itchy, weary eyes. How sexy! ; )

Happy "achoo!" Spring!
Lala

Yes!

I'm back home! Back to the smells of a familiar house, to the calm that comes with the unpacking of a well worn and battle weary backpack, to the delicious cuddles of a beautiful friend, to the purrs of the cats, to the greetings from loved ones, to the reflections of a fantastic adventure.

“The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.” Joseph Campbell

I just wanted to send a shout out to the three brave adventurers (Colleen, Hana and Jenn) who traveled with me to Oman and who helped make the experience rich, full of laughter and a whole lot of fun! 

I can't wait to be able to YES to another adventure. Lucky me!
~ Lala

scratching that traveler's itch

I'm off tomorrow for an adventure. : )

I invite you to come along for the ride! http://www.arabianlala.blogspot.com

See you in a couple of weeks!

cauterizing me

I perched on the counter
and leaned towards you anxiously.
My shoulders hunched,
at odds with the cozy heat of the kitchen.

Amidst the sound of the rich coffee percolating,
I whispered my fears.
Letting my tongue form the words;
the demons that have been hijacking my thoughts.

And as the tears rolled down my face,
I spoke of the paralysis that I felt.
How scared I really was
and whether I had the courage to rip open those raw wounds
and start my healing.

While I talked, your eyes caressed me;
gently stroking the catch in my throat
until I calmed.
I heard you speak to me softly,
asking me to search myself for what it is that I wanted.

Whether I was ready to face all the darkness that seemed to engulf me.

And then you touched my hand; grounding me.
Reminding me of the electricity of your being
And what it takes to cauterize failure, and turn it into something of strength.

- lml March 25, 2009

Denying denial

I struggle with the concept of denial. It's a yo-yo relationship that stems back to my early years in a religious school; the belief that denial is a constructive way to grow. 

I have a really strong reaction to that concept. I feel, instinctively, that denying one's self of something doesn't make you grow; it makes you shrink and constrict. It tightens you; prevents you from letting go. Forces you to hold on to something fiercely. 

When I deny myself of something, I feel like I am not accepting all the parts of me. I'm not accepting the little patches of colors and textures and motifs that make up who I am. I am informing my psyche that there are pieces of me that are bad, there are wants that I have that are wrong, there are parts of my whole that are not OK. And that what is right is to stuff those elements of my personality into a little box and lock it up.

In doing so, I learn not to accept certain parts of myself. I learn not to sit with those aspects of my self in compassion and patience and understanding. I teach myself that parts of me are not acceptable and not worthy. I feel guilty for enjoying those pleasures…

And I am startled by the intense feelings of rebellion and anger. Of being anxious and unhappy. Of wanting to flee. And when I have the chance, I end up overindulging because I've starved that part of myself for so long. 

I wonder how the experience of denial can be healthy and constructive. I wonder how to learn and become more self-aware in that kind of a cycle. And I wonder how I can grow in that kind of an environment. 

I'm not sure denial is for me. I don't quite know where the balance is, between too much and too little. I suspect that the middle ground is a place where there is openness, patience, awareness and acceptance. 

Wordsmithing

Revelation of the day: I miss words!!

I've been working in a new career for a few months now. I spend my time researching and analyzing. Finding solutions. Strategizing. I enjoy the challenge of change, of solving problems, of learning, of developing vision. I've been immersed in the world of "E" - the Web, social media, electronic communication. 

Just today, I had an opportunity to review a document for someone outside of work, and I realized that I miss writing. I miss words. Well, to be more precise, I miss editing!

I miss reviewing content, reorganizing it, making editorial changes, solving word problems, offering up suggestions... I miss that whole experience of cleaning up words and making content more effective and accurate. 

Wow. This is a huge realization for me. And I'm not quite sure what it means. For now, I think I'll let this sit awhile and simmer and see what speaks to me. ; )

traveller's itch

In the tradition of blogging my travel adventures, I set up a new blog for my Oman adventure in April 2009. Feel free to check it out!

Lala of Arabia --> http://www.arabianlala.blogspot.com

If you'd like to read my other travel blogs, you can find them here: 

http://nzlisa.blogspot.com/ (A Backpack, three weeks, and New Zealand: March-April 2005)

http://leprechaunlala.blogspot.com/ (Footprints and Pints in Ireland: May 2006)

http://thailala.blogspot.com/ (A tiny taste of Thailand: July-August 2007)

Happy wanderings. : )

dreams

I'm afraid to dream
to breathe the essence of what I yearn for
as if by forming the syllables with my lips
the alchemy of life will change them
and I'll be left with the whispers that haunt me at night

I'm afraid to wish
to want something so badly that it consumes me
intoxicates me with passion and ardor
leaving me spent

I'm afraid to turn that page
to see the script of the future
the calligraphy of my soul
tattooed in my heart

I'm afraid to close my eyes at night
that perhaps I will not wake
and with that, the knowledge that I have not lived.

- lml march 2009

stuffing the closet

I've been feeling scatterbrained the last few weeks.

It seems that the closet where I throw my thoughts, tasks, light-bulb moments, really nice ideas that I just haven't gotten around to doing, dreams and schemes, and other miscellaneous clutter is dangerously full. Every time I need to toss in another item, I can only figuratively inch the door open and hope the whole mess doesn't come tumbling down on me.

I think I generally like being jumbled and discordant. I like doing what I feel is impulsive and whimsical. I have spent the last few weeks laughing a lot, playing even more, and enjoying every last lick of it.

And I feel like I'm managing just fine. I got my taxes done, am actively studying for a test at the end of March, have made progress in work deliverables and vision, and even enjoyed some lovely, quality time with my closest friends. I sleep soundly at night and wake feeling relaxed and refreshed. I have a good quantity of energy and zest. And the spring feel in the air is making me excited.

Yet, I feel like I'm waiting for the walls to come crashing down. Like, at any moment, something is going to give, and I have no idea what it will be. Like that closet is lurking, eerily, in the back bedroom of my subconscious - a dark, musty closet that you know will reveal something nasty.

And being the procrastinator that I am, I think I'd much rather have a house fire blaze through that particular room, then have to roll up my sleeves and dig in; sort through the debris and make some sense of it all. I know I'm not quiet inside, and so I'm likely projecting that into my world. I don't feel discontent, but I also don't feel peaceful - and so the world around me becomes hyper and crazy.

And just as I am typing this, I meet a new colleague at work who tells me that he has leukemia. He's a young, fit, attractive guy. He's married and has a toddler at home. He smiles gently when he tells me that he's just getting back to the gym since he had 12 months of chemo. He describes that he will live with cancer in his blood for the rest of his life; monitoring his white blood cell count every three months. That if his levels deteriorate, he'll get back on the "soup"; the toxic cocktail that gives him a chance to live longer with his family. He talks about how this kind of thing puts life into perspective and makes it easier to laugh and to love. And then he walks away; munching on a donut.

And with that life lesson, I can feel my body relax. I can feel that noise in my head quiet. I can feel the tears brimming in my eyes. And I thank him silently for the gift he has just given me.

March sunshine

I'm a March baby. I'm a Spring baby. I was born two days after the official start of Spring. Ironically, my birth occurred in the middle of a huge snow storm in Montreal, and my mother wasn't sure if she would actually make it to the hospital in time for my birth.

And I am aware that I'm an optimist. I get so much of my energy by seeing the world in a positive way; looking for the silver lining present in every situation. 

So, I don't know if this feeling comes from me being born at this time of the year or whether it stems from my enthusiasm, but I am noticing that the sun feels different in March.

Yes, it's still bitterly cold outside. The kind of cold that whacks its way into your bones and leaves your teeth rattling on the way out. The kind of cold that paralyzes your lungs when you inhale deeply. A frigidness that makes you feel inspired to layer your clothes, take an extra portion (or two) of cheese and breads and comfort food, and lock the door until mid August.

But the sunshine feels different in March from the sunshine in February or late November. It feels warm. It feels stronger. When it touches your face, streaming through a window or brightly lit outside, I feel my skin heat up. I can feel my body relax into it. I can feel my spring soul jump excitedly. 

"Spring is coming!", I hear my inner voice tell me, "Spring is coming!"

The world of 140: Twitter

I wanted to take a few minutes to describe why I enjoy twitter so much, in 140 characters or less ; ) (101)

Firstly, it’s one stop shopping: From celebrities to musicians, social media mavericks to news releases, business to the latest hot topics. (139)

And it’s all available in one dynamic, constant flow of 140 characters: easy to read, easy to write, and complete with links and pictures. (138)

Above all, it’s free, accessible from anywhere, universal in it’s appeal, and easy to use. What more could you ask for? (119)

Just in case you might be intrigued...here are some of the cast of characters that I follow: 

social media/marketing gurus:
jeremiah owyang
guy kawasaki
chris brogan
mashable
avinash kaushik
pistachio
bryan person
bryan eisenberg
rahaf harfoush

celebrities (actors, writers, musicians, athletes):
wil wheaton
lance armstrong
ashton kutcher
demi moore
dooce
soleil moon frye 
don tapscott
stephen fry
neil gaman
levar burton
john cleese
john mayer
dave matthews

geek:
thinkgeek
bambi blue

environmental:
david suzuki

inspirational:
tiny buddha
you quoted quotes

news:
cbc
nytimes business
reuters
anderson cooper

business:
ibm cognos
pragmatic marketing
whole foods

local:
Ask Around Ottawa
suze muse
ryan anderson

Marketing 101

I had an old 27" JVC TV, weighing about 100 lbs, that I decided I'd leave out on the sidewalk for someone to use, since I didn't need it any longer.

About 3 hours after leaving it outside in broad daylight, I was perturbed by the fact that no one had stopped to pick it up. I went outside to take a look, and saw that J had posted a sign on it that read "Works OK :-)"

I laughed out loud. "I think the same marketing principles apply even when you are giving something away for free. Let's try something a little more enticing", I said to J with a teasing smile. 

I returned to the street, masking tape and marker in hand. I flipped over the sign and wrote in bold letters "Works Perfectly & Free!"

15 minutes later, we watched as a couple stopped their car, shoved the TV in their backseat, and drove off.

I guess it is all about the marketing.