relationships

What is a relationship?

I spent some time today talking to a good friend about relationships. What are they? What does it mean? What do I want? How do you know?

I managed to come up with a list of things I don't want.

* I don't want to define the word relationship. It takes two people to connect. And in that connection there exists something that gives each person their freedom and their happiness. If that doesn't exist, than the relationship needs to move on or grow or change. And each person's definition of what feels right exists in their mind and their heart. So basically, there is no definition.

* I don't want to need someone. That feeling of waking up and worrying about someone, where they are, what they are doing, who they are with, and how that may affect me... those feelings don't feel right to me. My choices are for me. How I choose to spend my time is mine. I can only hope that whomever wants to be with me will choose his/her time the same way. That he/she makes their own choices, for themselves. Because ultimately, nothing makes me happier than for me to feel like reason someone calls me on the phone, the reason someone emails me, the reason that someone wants to go out to dinner with me, is because they WANT to.

* I don't want to be attached. I suspect that this statement sounds cold or unfeeling. But what I am trying to convey is that if a person I am enjoying spending time with decides to make a different choice for himself/herself, and that this choice does not involve me, I hope that I am able to remember that this is about their choices and happiness, and that I am not responsible for either of those. I fully believe that I am intense person, I don't do much that is half-hearted. I like to love fully, laugh fully, enjoy things fully... so I don't believe I am capable of only giving part of myself to a person or a situation. But what this means to me is that I don't make my choices for someone else. I don't define my happiness by someone else's standards. I think the two are separate.

* I don't want to be hesitant. I love the phrase - Jump in with both feet! The only way I can truly learn about what I want, is by trying. Try something once. If I don't like it, I'll learn from that experience. But I find it so hard to know what you want, when you haven't had that experience in the first place. The other day I was in Quiznos, and I was trying to explain to someone what an avocado tastes like. Have you ever tried to explain what an avocado tastes like to someone who hasn't tried it? I ended up telling this girl to just try one. See if she liked it. Because I couldn't come up with the words to describe it to her properly, and she couldn't decide whether it was something she would like or not, based on my description.