I received some lovely words from a very good friend. They made me cry and they definitely helped me to put things into perspective. THANK YOU! : )
Fatigue can do many things including making us feel old and spent when really we're not. When really we're vibrant, beautiful and ambitious, yearning for the excitement and challenge that feeds our soul. When really all we might need is a few good nights' sleep, nutritious food to replenish our bodies (preferably prepared for us by someone else!) and walks along the Canal. When really we could use unscheduled, free time to explore possibilities, be, and dream up our next adventures. Yup ... fatigue will curb that in a flash!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
now I know why...
...I was asking so many questions!
From my horoscope for the month of August:
Lunar Eclipse occurs on August 28th in the early degrees of Pisces. The "crisis" that eclipses such as this one tend to elicit is a crisis of lack--a time when we suddenly realize a great need or want. This eclipse can trigger awareness of need in an area of our lives, such as our relationship to work, to our health and bodies, and so forth. This is a time when matters come to light--things that have been brewing under the surface.
With the Virgo-Pisces service axis involved, this Lunar Eclipse presses us to look more closely at our needs, lacks, and wants in our lives. We are pushed to find a balance between day-to-day functions and routines, physical health, and the need for order (Virgo) and vision, spiritual health, disorder, and the infinite (Pisces). Virgo rules the tools and techniques that we use to deal with day-to-day life, while Pisces rules the tools that we use to deal with our spiritual selves. Epiphanies are likely at this time as we become acutely aware of our lack.
This understanding can propel us into positive action. Full Moons and Lunar Eclipses bring issues in our lives to fulfillment. Our emotions are heightened, and there is often some sort of drama involved with the house, sign, and any contacted planets activated by the Full Moon. Occurring in your solar twelfth house, you may recognize an overwhelming need for rest and spiritual renewal. You've been busy with all sorts of everyday activities, deeply involved in your work and routines. It's time to balance your life with some down time--otherwise, you simply don't feel whole.
From my horoscope for the month of August:
Lunar Eclipse occurs on August 28th in the early degrees of Pisces. The "crisis" that eclipses such as this one tend to elicit is a crisis of lack--a time when we suddenly realize a great need or want. This eclipse can trigger awareness of need in an area of our lives, such as our relationship to work, to our health and bodies, and so forth. This is a time when matters come to light--things that have been brewing under the surface.
With the Virgo-Pisces service axis involved, this Lunar Eclipse presses us to look more closely at our needs, lacks, and wants in our lives. We are pushed to find a balance between day-to-day functions and routines, physical health, and the need for order (Virgo) and vision, spiritual health, disorder, and the infinite (Pisces). Virgo rules the tools and techniques that we use to deal with day-to-day life, while Pisces rules the tools that we use to deal with our spiritual selves. Epiphanies are likely at this time as we become acutely aware of our lack.
This understanding can propel us into positive action. Full Moons and Lunar Eclipses bring issues in our lives to fulfillment. Our emotions are heightened, and there is often some sort of drama involved with the house, sign, and any contacted planets activated by the Full Moon. Occurring in your solar twelfth house, you may recognize an overwhelming need for rest and spiritual renewal. You've been busy with all sorts of everyday activities, deeply involved in your work and routines. It's time to balance your life with some down time--otherwise, you simply don't feel whole.
Monday, August 27, 2007
on the fringe
if I were a dancer, I would be gracefully perched on the edge...
dangling a toe, brushing the tip gently against the surface
elegantly calm; poised.
caressing life's tapestry;
leaving the smallest of indentations on the assortment of collected people and experiences and threads that make up my personal quilt
-- lml
The problem is that I am not a dancer. I am not graceful and elegant.
I feel so clunky. I feel like I fidget and fuss and can't settle.
I feel like I am this noisy, diesel-fueled, beater car that has dings and scuffs, and shakes when you drive it. The kind of car that people look at and say, "It must have been cute in it's prime..."
And that's the crux, right there. When is/was my prime?
I feel incredibly ancient today: I see youthfulness and vigor; an effortless easiness that crops up in conversations "Like, oh my god, I was so, like, pissed!" I see passionate strong, unique, independent, individuals carving out their paths. With energy and vitality and fun.
and I falter. I think I must be fortysomething?
...carrying around the age of my years. Years that feel lost (what have I done with my life?).
Like I am just starting out, carrying all this baggage with me.
And then, I feel incredibly young today: I see bodies breaking down; I see grey sprouting at the roots. I see life passing by; I see people forgetting how to smile and how to play; I see friends molding themselves into pods and families that don't have room for me; I see softness and frailty.
and I falter. I think I must be twentysomething?
... absorbing the vibrancy and energy that comes with asking questions and being curious and challenging the status quo. And wanting to play and laugh and dance.
I know that I am thirtysomething, but it doesn't fit me.
Or does it?
I find this tension in me to be exhausting. Wondering where my home is. Where I am. What to do.
I do know that the answers lie in the present, in being in the moment.
And I struggle to fit into the now.
I want to feel like I'm a part of the puzzle.
dangling a toe, brushing the tip gently against the surface
elegantly calm; poised.
caressing life's tapestry;
leaving the smallest of indentations on the assortment of collected people and experiences and threads that make up my personal quilt
-- lml
The problem is that I am not a dancer. I am not graceful and elegant.
I feel so clunky. I feel like I fidget and fuss and can't settle.
I feel like I am this noisy, diesel-fueled, beater car that has dings and scuffs, and shakes when you drive it. The kind of car that people look at and say, "It must have been cute in it's prime..."
And that's the crux, right there. When is/was my prime?
I feel incredibly ancient today: I see youthfulness and vigor; an effortless easiness that crops up in conversations "Like, oh my god, I was so, like, pissed!" I see passionate strong, unique, independent, individuals carving out their paths. With energy and vitality and fun.
and I falter. I think I must be fortysomething?
...carrying around the age of my years. Years that feel lost (what have I done with my life?).
Like I am just starting out, carrying all this baggage with me.
And then, I feel incredibly young today: I see bodies breaking down; I see grey sprouting at the roots. I see life passing by; I see people forgetting how to smile and how to play; I see friends molding themselves into pods and families that don't have room for me; I see softness and frailty.
and I falter. I think I must be twentysomething?
... absorbing the vibrancy and energy that comes with asking questions and being curious and challenging the status quo. And wanting to play and laugh and dance.
I know that I am thirtysomething, but it doesn't fit me.
Or does it?
I find this tension in me to be exhausting. Wondering where my home is. Where I am. What to do.
I do know that the answers lie in the present, in being in the moment.
And I struggle to fit into the now.
I want to feel like I'm a part of the puzzle.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
wacky dreams
I had some wacky dreams last night. Two dreams that seemed to take the whole night to tell the stories.
First one:
I was working part time at Laura Secord, at a store inside Cognos, and it was my first day. The person who was going to help me close was sick, and I told her to go home and rest. I asked another staff person all sorts of questions - how much was my float, where was the safe, how much do we charge for chocolate, where are all the gloves/tissue paper to take chocolate out of the displays, etc.
She was very nonchalant about everything and didn't give me any information, so I started looking for documentation to help me. I remember trying hard to read an email that outlined procedures/steps. I couldn't quite get what I needed, and right about then, a Cognoid came in and asked for a chocolate. When I charged him for it, he told me that he got it for free, he was a regular. I told him that it was my first day on the job and that I didn't feel comfortable giving away freebies. I told him he could have it, but that I would pay for it myself. He just shrugged and walked out with the truffle, and I remember counting out $1.14 from my purse.
My other dream was a total romantic love story:
There was the bum who lived on the streets and who fell in love with a woman who used to pass him by. One day he gave her a gift and it made her very uncomfortable. She treated him poorly, and he was so distraught, that he decided he had to leave the city.
A few days later, she opened the gift and saw that it was a hand-sewn wedding dress. It was absolutely stunning, and when she brought it to a famous dressmaker, the woman thought it was worth a fortune. The stitching was impeccable, and it was very glamorous. It was a ancient Greek style sheath dress, that had a wide silver stitched band right under the breasts, and was made of white and had piece that came up around the neck, like a halter. The dressmaker puzzled over how to put the dress on the woman, and the woman found a band of silver, and strung it through the top of the dress, and hung it around her neck. It fit perfectly.
The woman was so blown away by the gift, and she realized that the man had more substance than what she had previous thought, so she went out to find him.
She went to these used clothing stores that were near where she had met the man, and they were filled with hand sewn shirts and articles of clothing. The salesperson knew the man she was talking about, and told her that he regularly brought clothes in that he had made to be sold.
She searched everywhere in the city for him, and when she found him, he had dismantled the little shack he was living in, had given away all his clothing and belongings, all except for two suitcases, and he was leaving.
She rushed to him, hugged him, felt something so powerful and electric between them, but he just stroked her face, smiled, and wished her well. And left.
How's that for drama?
First one:
I was working part time at Laura Secord, at a store inside Cognos, and it was my first day. The person who was going to help me close was sick, and I told her to go home and rest. I asked another staff person all sorts of questions - how much was my float, where was the safe, how much do we charge for chocolate, where are all the gloves/tissue paper to take chocolate out of the displays, etc.
She was very nonchalant about everything and didn't give me any information, so I started looking for documentation to help me. I remember trying hard to read an email that outlined procedures/steps. I couldn't quite get what I needed, and right about then, a Cognoid came in and asked for a chocolate. When I charged him for it, he told me that he got it for free, he was a regular. I told him that it was my first day on the job and that I didn't feel comfortable giving away freebies. I told him he could have it, but that I would pay for it myself. He just shrugged and walked out with the truffle, and I remember counting out $1.14 from my purse.
My other dream was a total romantic love story:
There was the bum who lived on the streets and who fell in love with a woman who used to pass him by. One day he gave her a gift and it made her very uncomfortable. She treated him poorly, and he was so distraught, that he decided he had to leave the city.
A few days later, she opened the gift and saw that it was a hand-sewn wedding dress. It was absolutely stunning, and when she brought it to a famous dressmaker, the woman thought it was worth a fortune. The stitching was impeccable, and it was very glamorous. It was a ancient Greek style sheath dress, that had a wide silver stitched band right under the breasts, and was made of white and had piece that came up around the neck, like a halter. The dressmaker puzzled over how to put the dress on the woman, and the woman found a band of silver, and strung it through the top of the dress, and hung it around her neck. It fit perfectly.
The woman was so blown away by the gift, and she realized that the man had more substance than what she had previous thought, so she went out to find him.
She went to these used clothing stores that were near where she had met the man, and they were filled with hand sewn shirts and articles of clothing. The salesperson knew the man she was talking about, and told her that he regularly brought clothes in that he had made to be sold.
She searched everywhere in the city for him, and when she found him, he had dismantled the little shack he was living in, had given away all his clothing and belongings, all except for two suitcases, and he was leaving.
She rushed to him, hugged him, felt something so powerful and electric between them, but he just stroked her face, smiled, and wished her well. And left.
How's that for drama?
Friday, August 24, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
one of *those* days
today was the kind of day where you wake from your bed feeling worse than the groggy, sleepy-eyed, bleary monster that you were before you fell asleep.
...the kind of day where you head pounds for no explicable reason, your heart races, and you operate in a kind of fog. "Huh, look at me, I'm typing. What the heck am I typing anyway? Oopps...(backspace backspace backspace) ...OK. Close that window, and focus, already."
...where, at breakfast, you pull open all the cupboards in the kitchen, and hang the refrigerator door wide open, staring and blinking at all the food items that are stocked and stashed away. Sipping your coffee, waiting for the caffeine to kick start your circulation, and willing some miraculous home cooked meal to start waving at you from the very back of the cupboard. "Over here! Hey! This is what you feel like. And look, I'm already made! Psst! Hey!"
...and the idea of going for a walk outside, simply stepping foot out of the house for one minute and into the sunshine, "it's good for you! your body needs vitamin D" involves huge amounts of coercion and is literally like trying to pluck a crazy-glued hair follicle out of a vacuum.
...when you imagine that everyone else must be leading a much more glamorous and exciting life than you, as you shuffle around in sweatpants and a t shirt a few sizes to small for you. "Maybe some mascara will make my bloodshot eyes look better. Huh, check out those bags! Whoa. Good grief, I feel old!"
...the kind of day when you look forward to crawling back into bed, closing your eyes, sinking deep into a comfortable mattress, and letting everything just go.
...and it's only noon! ; )
...the kind of day where you head pounds for no explicable reason, your heart races, and you operate in a kind of fog. "Huh, look at me, I'm typing. What the heck am I typing anyway? Oopps...(backspace backspace backspace)
...where, at breakfast, you pull open all the cupboards in the kitchen, and hang the refrigerator door wide open, staring and blinking at all the food items that are stocked and stashed away. Sipping your coffee, waiting for the caffeine to kick start your circulation, and willing some miraculous home cooked meal to start waving at you from the very back of the cupboard. "Over here! Hey! This is what you feel like. And look, I'm already made! Psst! Hey!"
...and the idea of going for a walk outside, simply stepping foot out of the house for one minute and into the sunshine, "it's good for you! your body needs vitamin D" involves huge amounts of coercion and is literally like trying to pluck a crazy-glued hair follicle out of a vacuum.
...when you imagine that everyone else must be leading a much more glamorous and exciting life than you, as you shuffle around in sweatpants and a t shirt a few sizes to small for you. "Maybe some mascara will make my bloodshot eyes look better. Huh, check out those bags! Whoa. Good grief, I feel old!"
...the kind of day when you look forward to crawling back into bed, closing your eyes, sinking deep into a comfortable mattress, and letting everything just go.
...and it's only noon! ; )
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Welcome back to me.... now get to work!
It's been a few weeks now since I returned from Thailand. It was such a good vacation; such a good break. A completely new world of people and sights and sounds and smells to explore. A really lovely way to escape for what felt like a really short time.
I was *not* ready to return to Ottawa. I was not ready to be greeted with the sounds of crickets chirping on a incredibly sleepy Saturday night, after being immersed in such activity and energy and people, and all the hubbub that comes along with that. I definitely wasn't ready to head back to work - and to the new, and quite challenging responsibilities that are now on my plate.
I have to say, though, that these changes at work are awesome. WRITING after nearly 4 years off, learning new products, and transitioning to a brand new team, complete with all the quirks and delights that come with getting to know new people. I feel like I've jumped into a refreshingly cold lake - I'm full of goosebumps; my heart is pounding; and there are times when I feel like I can't breathe. But damn! it feels good! : )
"Change is inevitable. Growth is optional. " I think I'm sprouting a new limb or two. ; )
I was *not* ready to return to Ottawa. I was not ready to be greeted with the sounds of crickets chirping on a incredibly sleepy Saturday night, after being immersed in such activity and energy and people, and all the hubbub that comes along with that. I definitely wasn't ready to head back to work - and to the new, and quite challenging responsibilities that are now on my plate.
I have to say, though, that these changes at work are awesome. WRITING after nearly 4 years off, learning new products, and transitioning to a brand new team, complete with all the quirks and delights that come with getting to know new people. I feel like I've jumped into a refreshingly cold lake - I'm full of goosebumps; my heart is pounding; and there are times when I feel like I can't breathe. But damn! it feels good! : )
"Change is inevitable. Growth is optional. " I think I'm sprouting a new limb or two. ; )
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