thinking about 2009

I love new beginnings!

I'm an Aries, inspired to start fresh, excited to try new things; not always great at the finishing part...

Hence the fact that 2008 is not even over and I'm dreaming about the NEW YEAR.

I have some travel destinations; an exotic Arabian desert oasis in the spring and some beach time in the middle of winter with a beautiful friend - just the two of us!

I have some career plans; many challenges and opportunities ahead of me and, if all goes well, school in the fall.

I have personal desires to be closer to my chosen family; to take the time and give my energy to celebrate each of them and what they mean to me.

I want to live each moment to the fullest; to seize life passionately and intensely and make the most of what I have and what I experience.

And, I want to try to be creative; to dance, sing (Rockband!), draw, pick up my neglected guitar, write the poems that resonate in my soul and do the things that fill me with pleasure.

Here's to a new year! 

As it just begins to unfold to take me on this magical journey called life.

- lml Dec 30, 2008

happy holidays

listening to silent night

thinking about the families that are together

this season

all shapes and sizes and colors

thinking of the laughter, love and happiness

that comes from being in the spaces

that overlap each of us

feeling the love being celebrated and shared around the world

as tears course down my face.

tis a beautiful season;

one that brings people close

and fills my soul with peace.

happy holidays

- lml dec 20, 2008

Surprise!

I had a deliciously long laugh with Hana today, when I called her to get the inside scoop on a surprise that Sandy was cooking up for Saturday night. Naturally, Sandy wouldn't tell me his plan......but Hana offered up some tips:

Apparently I need to be dressed and ready to go in my outdoor gear because we are going Wild Turkey hunting. I should bring all my SAR gear because it will be cold outside and we may get lost, and I need an extra bag to carry the dead turkeys in, because we will be skinning and de-feathering them later. And that I shouldn't worry, because Sandy's friend T will show us how to do everything.

That's what I get for being curious, I guess. ; )

drawing

I was spoiled a few months ago with an easel for my creative space. I'm nestled into a corner of the office. On the wall is a Tibetan prayer flag, and behind me is a collage of photos of friends and family members. 

Since my drawing class is over, I've decided to continue "going to class" by dedicating an evening a week to drawing. It's SO much fun! I peruse pictures on my favorites sites (like nerve.com) to find inspiration, put my music on, roll up my sleeves, and dig in. I emerge a few hours later, like waking up from a deep sleep. It's a lovely, meditative way to let go and be creative.

I drew this one last night and I'm really quite pleased with how it turned out. 

Here's to many more drawing adventures! 

Is the Internet Full?

I just read this post on Seth Godin's blog. He's a hilarious (and brilliant) guy and in a few short paragraphs seemed to sum up some of the angst that people feel around the Internet. See his post: Warning: the internet is almost full.

His post, at least in my mind, seems to address our anxiety about finding data, dealing with copious amounts of information, weeding through clutter to get to the good stuff, balancing the "more" mentality that exists with less, staying on top of everything, being thought-leaders, and fighting off our urges for the quick(er) and fast(est).

Here's a snippet

Ten years ago, you had a shot of at least being aware of everything that mattered. Five years ago, you had to be really selective about what you took in, but at least it was possible to know what you didn't know. Today, it's impossible. Today, you can't even read every article on a thin slice of a thin topic.

Exhausting, isn't it?

celebrating

I've given myself permission
to decorate my spirit
in the scent of holiday pine.
In the sound of snow crunching underfoot.
In the laughter of loved ones
as they lean closer to my soul;
leaving footprints.
Tracks that imprint themselves on me.

My heart aches
and the moment is open to me;
captivated by the mistletoe
and the frost that sparkles against your cheek.

And as my hand curls around
the steaming ceramic mug
brimming with the scent of cinnamon and nutmeg,
I can feel the heat cascade into me
and, like a golden globe dangling from your tree, I glow.

-lml Dec 8, 2008

smiling

when i feel the most troubled
when i feel prodded and poked
achy and uncomfortable in my body

when i feel feverish and fired up
raging and raucous
when pointed barbs embed themselves
just under the surface of my skin

and i feel that tumble of emotions
bouncing against themselves with their urgency
to spill forth and assert themselves

i remember to smile
to myself

i feel my face relax
i feel my eyes moisten
i feel quiet

and like i would at a child as i watched their antics, i smile with indulgence
at myself

and i watch as, for the briefest of moments, the turmoil is stilled.

new words

I wrote this awhile ago. It's a bit of a departure for me - the statements are fleshed out more. It feels more like a story and less like a poem, in some respects. I like experimenting with new words, new feelings, and how to write about what it feels like to be connected with someone physically, and emotionally.

I lay in the darkness
the world made blacker still
by the thoughts swirling around my head.

And I listened to that drone of voices,
repetitious and persistent,
drowning out my sanity.

My heart aching,
compressed by an unknown sorrow
clenched tightly in the vise grip of pain.

Brushing aside the curls that lay
nestled on the nape of my neck
You leaned in with your lips.

I felt the heat of your skin;
your warmth embrace me
as your limbs found their home.

The pressure of your touch,
your arm pulling me deeper into your soul.
And I lay, amazed, at how the world disappears.

ebb and flow

Learning new things, being flipped in multiple directions, is a crazy experience.
It's fun and it's hard.
It can leave you feeling exuberant and crushed.

On a daily basis, I'm feeling this see-saw of impatience and being overwhelmed.
The tug of war of feeling like I've got a good idea well within my grasp, and then, quick as a flash, feeling like I need to retreat to a corner to lick my wounds and wonder how it all went askew.

The tide pulls me.
Like a current, it spills towards me
advancing
building
cresting
and I am lured into that pool;
deeper and deeper I go.
Until the ideas crash on the shore
tumbling and bursting forth;
the culmination of inspiration.

And then the ebb begins
slowly
withdrawing
inching away from the beach.
Leaving the earth barren and arid.
Dizzy from want.
Until the thirst is too much for the sand
and the water is ready to return.

- LML November 27, 2008

animal crackers in my soup

I have been dreaming massively and vividly since I started my new job. No surprise, since everything feels new and different and challenging. I love how my dreams merge the wacky with day-to-day events, sprinkled with some subconscious wisdom. They are colorful and active and seem to last the entire night long. I love dreaming.

Take last night's dream. I was going to open an animal reserve. For elephants and tigers, naturally. 8 elephants and a pasture of tigers. With little Chloe (real cat) thrown in, since she loves to investigate.

One could extrapolate that the new business adventure in my dream has some kind of relationship to my new career. And one could see the connection between animals being symbolic of things that may or may not be a part of myself.

Let's see...

Elephant
To see an elephant in your dream, indicates that you need to be more patient or more understanding of others. Or perhaps there is a memory that you are holding on to for too long. You need to let go of the past. The elephant is also a symbol of power, strength, faithfulness and intellect. Alternatively, the elephant's introverted personality may be a reflection of your own personality.

Eight
Eight stands for power of authority, success, karma, material gains, regeneration, and wealth. When the number eight appears in your dream, trust your instincts and intuition.

Tiger
To see a tiger in your dream, represents power and your ability to exert it in various situations. The dream may also indicate that you to take more of a leadership role. Alternatively, the tiger represents female sexuality, aggression, and seduction.

tell me why... I don't like Mondays

It's funny how you can fill your weekend with friends, fun, relaxation, good food, good rest, some exercise, and lots of laughter and hugs, mix in a funny movie, some Rock Band, a happening party, lots of Web surfing, cuddles with cats, fresh new bed linen, clean laundry, fresh bagels and hot coffee in bed...

...and STILL want to crawl back into bed on a Monday morning! 

: )

random thoughts from the first few days

• Internet access restrictions stink. Big time.
• Bring more snack foods to work...I get hungry at 2pm and there is no food.
• Free green tea, coffee and hot chocolate. Yum!
• I wish I could just plug in and learn like Neo did in the Matrix.
• Trying to figure out ways to stay on top of the latest Web and e-Marketing news via Outlook. *sigh*
• It takes so long to ramp up - I want to contribute, now!
• Everything is new.
• It is a very quiet office. So quiet that you can hear me chewing gum. And it echoes.
• Welcoming the newbie with Police "Do Not Cross" tape and the outline of a body scares the heck out of a lot of people but it made me howl. Awesome!
• Physicians are a unique breed - smart, demanding, with really short attention spans.
• Yay for Twitter!! (They probably just don't know about it.. but it's my lifeline right now.)
• I miss all the familiar faces that come from being in a place for so long.
• I really need to start walking to work. The 4 minute drive on the 417 seems just wasteful. Plus, I'd get in shape finally.

travel lust

I watched a video that a colleague put together about his 6 month travels to Southeast Asia. Oh. My. God!

I decided, after salivating from his pictures and his videos, that when I turn 40, yes.. that bigass milestone, I'm going to take a year off to travel the world, or at least travel a big chunk of it.

Here's my list of places that I am lusting after. It's a small list. One that I'll keep adding to, I know.

Turkey
Spain
Laos
Jordon
Vietnam
Jamaica
Petra
Morocco
Australia
Greece
Cambodia
Belize
Tunisia
Chile
Namibia
Malaysia
Indonesia
Brazil

The good news for my itchy foot is that I am due to hit a country in the Arabian Peninsula in April 2009 - Oman!

9,999 and still going strong.....

Malcolm Gladwell, author of Blink and The Tipping Point, suggests that culture, luck, and 10,000 hours are the key criteria to be successful.

Not happiness, mind you. Success.

10,000 hours at 24 hours a day means 416.66 days. That's 1 year and 51 days of NONSTOP focus and practice (or 9.15 YEARS at 3 hours a day) to become successful at something. Flying a plane. Mountain biking. Writing. Photography. Playing guitar. Designing fashion. Marketing. Software development. Making beer. Calligraphy.

Me? I have the attention span of a gnat. I like to sample. I like to nibble. A little of this, a little of that. OK, I'm moving on.

This may be why I'm not the master of something. Yet.

Noise

swirling thoughts
swinging moods
suspended animation

clutter
clanking around in my mind
a cacophony of sounds

distractions
distortions
distance between body and mind

feeling forgetful
focusing on the futile
fidgety

waiting
worrying
wondering

realizing that
presence
peace and
persistance

is what is necessary.


- lml, November 3/08

dreaming of oceans

Snow has arrived in Ottawa. It won't last, I know. (Or it will last for 6 months and then disappear.) 

I love the snow.

I love the scent of the cold air in my nostrils, and the way the snow crunches under my feet. 

I like the way my eyelashes will freeze together and how my breath makes ribbons when I breathe.

 I love the magical way that ice hangs on bare branches - somehow adding nature's glitter to the stark greyness that seems to permeate everything. 

How the moonlight gets magnified by the crystals of the snow's surface - so much so that a walk at 9 in the evening can feel like the dawn might be just breaking. 

I love shoving frigid fingers into the warm envelope of friend's pocket, the heat tingling my skin so quickly it stings.

The way smoke from a chimney seems to wind it's way around my nostrils and infuse me with peace and calm, the way a hearth might have greeted a weary warrior in days gone by.

I love all these aspects of winter. Especially how it makes me yearn for heat and sunshine.

How I fight the change of temperature with denial and disgust.

And I dream of oceans, warm water, fresh fruit and the luxuries of the tropics.

surfers

slick black bodies

bobbing

waiting for the gust of white

watching

silhouetted against the sun

solitude

crashing against the current

calmly

opening themselves to the ocean

outside.

 -lml may 2006

being social

Last week I attended my first Social Media Breakfast in Ottawa. 

I loved the fact that a community of people got together to discuss online communities of people who have shared interests in the world of networking, media, marketing and business. These layers of interconnectedness made me smile: people tweeting about the commentary that took place at the breakfast; bloggers meeting each other face to face for the first time, only recognizing each other by their respective handles; iPhones flashing as pictures and live "stills" were taken of the event and immediately uploaded to YouTube and Facebook. It felt edgy and surreal to be there, like we all knew we were on the cusp of something really different. Like a tiny crack in time was open and we had a glimpse of the future.  

I'm a devourer of anything social media. I have Google Alerts send me daily news about it. I read social media blogs. Many of the people I follow on Twitter are recognized in the industry as being gurus. I tweet. I post on Facebook. I have a blog. I get regular feeds. I tag content and bookmarks. 

My favorite pastimes are to peruse the pages of Tweets (on Twitter) and Facebook and see who's connected to whom, what they are talking about, what they are reading, what they are looking at and commenting on. I wouldn't say I am one of the creators of any of the tools or applications of social media, but I'm fascinated by all the variations that social media and social networking is bringing the world of business and human interaction. 

I think it's a natural extension of my own personality. As human beings we are connected. To each other. To the world around us. And so, by extension, our lives tend to overlap in places. We have similarities. Shared experiences. Common friends. Together, this intertwining of worlds and lives reminds me that we are meant to be a community. Our physical lives may be separated by miles, but we thrive when we can build communities of knowledge, information, support, and interest. 

It's a natural leap to move from personal networking to social networking for business. And this is what brought me to the breakfast in the first place. I'm simply marking this point in time with a blog because I'm very curious to see what the next 3-5 years will bring. 

The Gulper

My father is a firm believer in the adage "everything in moderation". He lives an exemplary life of doing a little bit of everything. He starts his day off with a glass of water, a piece of fruit, a little sweet, and a cup of strong, dark coffee. Not too much. Not too little. He is at peace with living simply and living conventionally.

I, on the other hand, am an excessive person. I drink heartily, I laugh boisterously, I play frequently. I love without reservation. I eat too often and too much. I watch too many movies. I love sleeping in. I love staying up all night. I relish chugging contests. I get hyper and goofy when I am around a lot of people. I am loud. I talk with wild hand gestures. I can spend a week on the couch and then go out for a 5 hour bike ride. I buy clothes impulsively and then give them away when they don't fit me. I enjoy being up for anything - and usually am.

In other words, I take great big gulps of life which sometimes leave me intoxicated, overstimulated, depleted, dangerous, and dizzy. Oh how I enjoy that!

artful living

the threads of us
our individual yarns of textures
each colored by our experience
and the exposure to life's adventures and light
wove themselves together as we talked

our stories mingled and danced
unearthing our desires and unspoken dreams
reflections that made us smile as tears spilled from our eyes
the pauses and silence
enhancing the fabric of our gathering

over the hours we connected and quilted a pattern of friendship and laughter, soul food that wraps me in warmth and love

-- lml Oct 2/08

gratefulness

There are so many things that I am grateful. I was inspired by a good friend's post to spend some time immersing myself in a world of thankfulness.

I am grateful for

jumping into puddles with little people.
having delicious coffee in bed, delivered by an equally delicious person.
being able to tackle the mountain of work in a relaxed, comfortable environment.
getting invited over for a delicious dinner with some new friends and lots of interesting, stimulating conversations.
good books and great blogs that I enjoy reading.
filling my refrigerator with healthy, nutritious, scrumptious food.
phone calls from my sisters.
taking a long walk through the streets of Ottawa and soaking up the sights and sounds.

Enjoy your respective weekends!

life is good

I like this life. It's difficult and it's often hard to know which end is up, but it's so good. 

...and sometimes when you take a good, hard look at what you have, you find the most unexpected and joyous answers.

I like that you can find that laughter and that love, all that stuff you crave and that you yearn for deep inside of yourself,  just over there.  All you have to do is remember that it may not come in the shape you were expecting, or the package you may have wanted. But it is there.

And solitude - it seems to be just an illusion. We create this perception for ourselves that we are alone. Cuddle up to a cat sometime. Feel that purring - their pure contentedness at being connected with you. We Are All Connected. 

Most of us don't understand this concept, and it's an incredibly vast and abstract thing to try and wrestle with. But when you take it down to its basic level.... like a cat rubbing her head against your hand, or a smile that you may share with someone in an elevator, or the great fun you can have on a weekend with perfect strangers (if you just let yourself)... it makes perfect sense.

I don't have any answers for a lot of the questions that buzz around in my head. The noise that beats me senseless in the pre-dawn hours of the morning, while my physical body is too sleepy to fight back. 

But I feel like I can find these answers when I give myself permission to find them. Usually when I can pause... and breathe. And smile. Life is good. 

realizations

I realize that I give a lot of myself when I am with people.

I watch my essence weave itself around the antics, laughter, and sheer forcefulness of another's personality.

Like tendrils of smoke wafting from a lit cigar, I evaporate into the sky.

I believe this to be a gift. For it happens so naturally - like I am an extension of the person I am with. I get so easily caught up in their lives and their personalities.

Sometimes, though, it feels like there is a cost. That a part of me gets lost, and that I am unable to retrieve me after being with someone for a period of time.

For I leave some people feeling more alive than ever! Electrically charged and animated. Like I've drunk deeply of their souls and filled my cup to the brim at the same time. It's an intoxication that makes me thrive.

And I leave others feeling hollow and weak. Empty and dry, like the dead husk of a plant. Full of sadness and yearning, feeling depleted and bare. And needing to take myself off to a quiet room, to heal.

I suspect the only difference between the two is how far I am willing to go - how much I am willing to give. But I don't know that I want to give up the one for the other. Because in order to experience the intoxication, I must be willing to let myself go, just as easily and wholly as I can.

a day in the life of a......person using conté for the first time

I had my first drawing class last night. It was sooooo HARD. I am happy because I sensed a good progression in me, over the three hours. My proportions of people are terrible. Bellies become distended and Buddha-like. Feet get crammed in at the bottom of the page, because I didn't leave enough room for them. Legs are too short, and heads are two-three times too large. But by the end of the evening, I was getting better at measuring. ; )

This is a beginner life drawing class. When we first started the class, I discovered that I'm not in a class with ANY beginners, which made me laugh. There was one woman who said she was a beginner to life drawing, but has been drawing for a long time. Luckily, for me, the instructor was very open to giving me lots of instruction. Which I totally need!! Hehe....

We did some interesting drills - spent the first 30 minutes doing a warmup. We had 2 minutes, using contour lines, to draw the model in whichever pose she was in - ensuring that we captured the entire body and that the proportions were correct (demanding teacher!). The intent of this drill is to learn to see the body in its entirety - to take a photo of the whole figure with your mind - and capture the essence of that pose. Learn what stands out - the elbow, the way the head is titled, the angle of the knee, etc. By working quickly, you don't have time to become paralyzed (by fear and doubt) of your drawing. You focus on the model and the pose.

After the warmup, we went through a series of 15-20 minutes to draw a pose, using the extra time (as if!) to do shading, etc. The time was gruelling for me... I would often get caught looking at my art and feeling overwhelmed and feeling angst. My instructor would come by and remind me to look at the model. That all the information I needed was over there, not in front of me on my easel. (She is this little petite woman, with the forceful personality of a drill sargeant.)

I learned to hold my pencil up to measure the size of the model's head, and then the size of the rest of her body, in proportion to her head. I'd stand there with my arm extended, one eye closed, a fierce concentration scowl on my face, and my finger measuring off a point on my charcoal pencil. A true artiste, non?

At the end, I often had a lopsided, disfigured Picasso-like person (I think). My instructor would come over, look at my drawing, step back to see it from far away, and then lean in again with a sigh and say "see this leg here.. this needs to be over here." And I'd get the giggles.

Then I'd peek over to the art from the (gifted!) man drawing next to me - I'd see these creations. His figures just popped to life. It was unbelievable what he would create in that time! He'd smile at me, give me a little wink, and say "That last one you did worked out well, eh?"

Yeah, right! ; )

practicing what I preach

I have been enjoying the last 4 years of my life a great deal! Life has been good to me, and I've enjoyed immersing myself in it to the fullest.

One of the things that I believe firmly for myself, is to live a life that is free. To be free and unencumbered in my relationships. To be open to life, however it unfolds; often in ways unexpected. To laugh and live joyfully. To be open to love and intimacy, without reservation, expectation, or cost.

All of these things make me feel peaceful. They make me feel calm and centered. They feel right. I haven't experienced angst or discomfort when I embrace it. I believe it's a very real part of who I am.

The reality, as a good friend mentioned today, is that sometimes it takes a great deal of courage to practice these things. I believe they are right for me, and I feel the full benefits of them when I practice them. However, there are times, like now, when I'm in the midst of a great deal of change and adjustment, that I am scared and I want to cling. I feel sad, and I want to set up illusions - boxes that neatly and safely preserve what I like.

I know that it is not reality. And that the truth, for me, doesn't exist in boxes and safety, but letting go and practicing that is sometimes very hard.

tempest in a teapot

What is bliss?

This is my bliss at the moment - being overloaded with work deliverables and deciding to work from home.

The house is quiet and empty. The cats are sleeping. I'm in my pjs and sipping a hot cup of coffee.

Ahhhhh!

The Luna Farm

Soft orange light
pierces through the sky
the scent of hay
and of dew dancing on the grass
wafts into the farmhouse window.

Like sentries, they stand in the dawn
sleek and elegant
heralding the new day as steam blows from their muzzles

Picturesque against the freshly cut wood of the arena.
Their presence embodies the sanctuary of this space.

- LML Sept 1/2008

a beautiful balance

doing repetitive, data entry tasks for work and watching Lara Croft, Tomb Raider

...a perfect way to bring the sublime into the mundane.

the changeling

the changeling sits
wistfully staring out the window

dreaming of different landscapes
of unfamiliar textures and tastes
that makes her senses buzz

astonished by the courage in her soul
that doesn't seem to materialize in the daylight
but draws her, as she lies in the darkness
her heart thumping in anticipation

she finds escape in fantasies
colors and shapes that swirl together
like a kaleidoscope
settling into a new pattern

that blazes in front of her
like a freshly carved trail
gouged into the side of a mountain

winding its way up to the skies
out of sight
but clearly imprinted on her soul

--lml august 2008

Asphalt Heat

The road, like my lover,
seduces me with its
smooth, taut surface.

With those sleek curves
that I ride,
undulating underneath me,
I caress each slope and valley.

Nestling myself in deeply,
the tangled limbs lie
like ribbons of highway,
spread out before me.

Waiting to be discovered.

I breathe in deeply
the intoxicating musk
of pleasure and freedom.

- LML July 2008

I don't know how parents do it!

A fabulous road trip with the windows open and the tunes blasting.
The hustle and bustle of a very busy household.
Huge hugs and spontaneous kisses from three loveable munchkins.
Cool lake water and excited screams after my arms launch them into the air.
Sticky chocolate fingers after eating Dr. Mike's famous ice cream.
Playing tag in the evening before dinner and making sure to run faster than the mosquitos.
The collection of all the towels and blankets in the house to build the best fort in the basement.
Hours creating pictures and art of swirls and cobras and the adventures of horses and princesses.
Watching one horse rider master her posting trot and jumping position.
Sitting on the patio with delicious dark, strong coffee in the mornings.
A rousing game of scrabble!
Watching Harry Potter all cuddled up on the couch.
Snapping pictures of the girls and capturing them in the moment: one with a snorkel and mask on her face.
Winding down before bed with freshly washed hair tickling my nose as I lean in for a kiss.
Starting it all again with the sun rise.

What a weekend!

Inspiration for the long weekend

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain; mine or your own; without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful; be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine; and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of moon. "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Fancy Schmancy

I have to get this down because a) I'll never make anything like this in my lifetime and b) they gave me a printout of the tasting menu to keep!

I indulged in this meal at Beckta in Ottawa. Treat yourself one of these days - it is worth it!

Amuse
~ ~
Watermelon
Frozen Watermelon Sashimi, Grilled Asparagus,
Goats' Cheese, Sweet Lemon & Cucumber Sorbet
Riesling "Off Dry" Cattail Creek, VQA Niagara 2006
~ ~
Hierloom Beet
Crisp Pear Chips, Roasted Fennel, Spinach
Ermite Blue Fondue and Pear Cider Vinagrette
Sauvignon Blanc "Triomphe" Southbrook, VQA Niagara 2007
~ ~
Gnocchi
Fingerling Potatoes, Green Beans, Chanterelles,
Swiss Chard and Parsley Pesto
Gamay Noir "Estate" 13th Street, VQA Four Mile Creek 2006
~ ~
Intermezzo
Orange-Sesame-Sake Sorbet
~ ~
Spring Vegetable Tian
Pearl Barley, Fresh Spring Vegetables and
Mushrooms in a Tarragon Tea with Young Peas
Cabernet Sauvignon, Lyeth, Sonoma County, California 2006
~ ~
Cherry
Roasted Cherry Financier, Red Wine Soaked Cherries,
Buttermilk Sorbet, Toasted Almond
"Fine Old Tokay", Buller, Rutherglen, Australia N.V.
~ ~
Petit Fours

happy

filled with goodness
so overflowing
that smiles and positive energy
just spills forth
gushing and tumbling
coating my emotions
the way a warm coat
wraps itself around my body
as I luxuriate in its warmth
nestled deep
impervious to the elements

- LML June 2008

nature

My fondest memory (and earliest memories) of being and enjoying nature started when I was about 5 years old. It likely could have happened earlier, but I really only remember it from that point onwards. My family had a cottage in Vermont. After dinner, and just before we had to go to bed, my Dad had a ritual that he would do with my three sisters and myself. One at a time, he would wrap us up in a warm blanket, and carry us up to the top of this little hill that we had. He sat down on a log, cradling us in his arms, and we'd look at the stars. He would talk about the night sky, the stars that we could see, and how big the universe was, and how beautiful nature was. I remember feeling loved and warm and in awe of the gift of nature.

I love Nature. It's a huge part of my being, my spirituality, and my feelings of being connected to all living beings. We are all connected and I seek out nature to remind myself often that human beings are just a small part of that living, breathing, functioning organism that we call life. I find nature to be honest and real - there isn't a lot that is hidden or subversive. It makes sense to me and it fills me with wonder, peace, and great respect. **

**these comments came about because nature is our subject/theme at Toastmasters this week. The toastmaster, a lovely guy named Boby, wanted to get some people's perspectives and input about nature and their own personal relationship with nature. It gave me a chance to explore some beautiful memories that I haven't accessed in awhile.

Art & Inspiration: A Walkabout in the City

I enjoyed a couple of hours of walking along the streets of Ottawa today. I followed the CATwalk (Centretown Art Tour), and I literally walked into people's homes, soaking up their creativity and art.

I was really moved by the fact that the artists opened up their homes to strangers. It made it feel so intimate to look around at a creative person's space, get a chance to see them and talk to them, and check out how they live and work. Where they create. How they carve out a niche for themselves. And see, sometimes, the inspiration for those creations. I felt like I had been invited over to a friend's house to see their photo slide show. Invited to look at the pictures from their vacation or family reunion; Pictures of Uncle Bob and Aunt Jo eating their corn dogs or the family dog chasing after little Billy. Pictures that make you feel as if for some brief moment that you are a part of their family.

I think it added to the art in more ways than seeing pieces in a gallery. I suspect galleries are designed so that you are not distracted by the walls and paint colors and babies crawling around the floor, but I really liked how it added to the texture and accessibility of art.

A couple of times I walked away thinking, I should just go home and draw. Whether it's exactly what I want or what others want, I should just do it. And keep doing it. Over and over.

So I went home and drew. Just a little. And I felt like an artist. Just for a little bit.

wild women in the woods

There is something about fresh air and exercise, mountains and forested lushness that makes an average city girl like me* let go of all the tangled stresses and logistics of living in our world and breathe deeply, sweat copiously, laugh uncontrollable, and ache like an old woman.

I bonded this past weekend with four deliciously wonderful, wicked, gorgeous women. We hiked, laughed, moaned and bitched, sweat, soaked up the sunshine and company, and let our little balls of tangled messes unravel, slowly and surely, as we traipsed up and down the 4,000 foot peaks. Each deliberate foothold forced us to make room for nothing but balance and breathing. Pushed out the rest of the craziness that we create in our heads and made room for pure, simple, breathtaking bliss. We walked until we felt exhaustion and until the noise in our heads was stilled. And all that existed was the sunshine, the wind, the intoxicating smell of the evergreen trees, the boulders, the water, and us.

And each evening, over red wine and cards, we teased and laughed and commented and reflected on the day. Spilling into our bunks at night completed exhausted. And let the stillness of the darkness and the sound of the wind and rain outside lull us to sleep.

* albeit one that is a wee bit of a granola crunching hippie

the buzz

This is why I love poetry so much! When someone can write it as well as Erica Jong.

Hope everyone has a beautiful long weekend - make the most of the sunshine, the rain, the people and animals that you love. Celebrate the country that we live in!

After the Earthquake

After the first astounding rush,
after the weeks at the lake,
the crystal, the clouds, the water lapping the rocks,
the snow breaking under our boots like skin,
& the long mornings in bed. . .

After the tangos in the kitchen,
& our eyes fixed on each other at dinner,
as if we would eat with our lids,
as if we would swallow each other. . .

I find you still
here beside me in bed,
(while my pen scratches the pad
& your skin glows as you read)
& my whole life so mellowed & changed

that at times I cannot remember
the crimp in my heart that brought me to you,
the pain of a marriage like an old ache,
a husband like an arthritic knuckle.

Here, living with you,
love is still the only subject that matters.
I open to you like a flowering wound,
or a trough in the sea filled with dreaming fish,
or a steaming chasm of earth
split by a major quake.

You changed the topography.
Where valleys were,
there are now mountains.
Where deserts were,
there now are seas.

We rub each other,
but we do not wear away.

© Erica Mann Jong

New Career: Adventure Planner?

I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list. ~ Susan Sontag

I had a really fun weekend getting all my gear organized for hiking this coming weekend. I LOVE the process of finding my gear, replenishing old and used stock (i.e. for my First Aid kits), packing my snacks into ziploc bags, putting my toiletries into little tubes/containers, sealing things up, and systematically checking off the items on my gear list.

HOURS of entertainment, I am not kidding you. : )

tears on a Wednesday

I'm not sure why, but this quotation made me cry, today.

there are things you do because they feel right
and they may make no sense and they may make
no money and it may be the real reason we are here:
to love each other and to eat each other's cooking
and say it was good ~ brian andreas

There's something about the simplicity of loving someone and partaking in that meal with someone you enjoy and celebrating it all.

Sharing the simple nourishment that comes with food and the social comfort that we feel when we immerse ourselves in that intimate and satiating tradition.

Realizing that you can take the time away from all the noise and craziness in your day, and the way time seems to ooze through our fingers like oil, un-graspable, thick and heavy with promise, leaving a residue of memories and photographs.

Finding that sanctuary in the simplicity of love, the uncomplicated free love that we all know, that emanates from our souls, and that, thinking it is somehow wrong or inappropriate or feared, we hide and bury behind our walls of protection and our fears and insecurities.

And allowing ourselves to feel - making choices because they feel good and they feel right - irregardless of the logic or intelligence. Simply trusting our bodies and our souls; listening to hearts and our wisdom; finding that smile that exists just there. For no other reason, than because it does.

Indy and the next generation

I saw the latest Indiana Jones movie last night. It was good - it seemed authentic and the cinematic quality was just like the previous 3 films. The cheesiness was there, the inspired theme song came out in full force, and you could feel that the audience really liked Indy and was happy he was back.

I have to say that I enjoyed the movie even more because of the cute 7 year old boy sitting next to me. He couldn't wait to tell his parents that "She is evil," when Cate Blanchett appeared. He got so excited during the car chase scenes. "Cool! Yah! Mom, he's the best!" There was a scene with a lot (a LOT!) of ants. It was good and creepy, and I heard him cry "That's gross!" Just about the same time I did.

It was fun to experience this movie with the next generation of Indy fans. It reminded me about the simple pleasures of a movie experience. A little drama, a lot of action, some cheesy dialog, good theme music, and a whole lot of fun!

Fun fun fun, in praise of fun!

Here's the daily OM message for today. I loved this!!

Remember The Light Side
In Praise Of Fun

Often when we talk about fun, or doing things just for fun, we talk about it in a dismissive way as if fun isn’t important. We tend to value hard work and seriousness, and we forget to pay our respects to the equally important, light side of silliness and laughter. This is ironic because we all know the feeling of euphoria that follows a good burst of laughter, and how it leaves us less stressed, more openhearted, and more ready to reach out to people. We are far more likely to walk down the street smiling and open after we’ve had a good laugh, and this tends to catch on, inspiring smiles from the people we pass who then positively influence everyone they encounter. Witnessing this kind of chain reaction makes you think that having fun might be one of our most powerful tools for changing the world.

Laughter is good medicine, and we all have this medicine available to us whenever we recall a funny story or act in a silly way. We magnify the effects of this medicine when we share it with the people in our lives. If we are lucky, they will have something funny to share with us as well, and the life-loving sound of laughter will continue to roll out of our mouths and into the world.

Of course, it is also important to allow ourselves to be serious and to honor that side of ourselves so that we stay balanced. After a great deal of merriment, it can actually be a pleasure to settle down and focus on work, or take some time for introspection until our next round of fun begins.

blowing in the wind...

Do you ever have those moments where you feel as if your body is dutifully going about the tasks that make up a regular, ordinary, comfortable existence?

And your soul is just screaming to be let out to play.

All these signposts are around you...

...Your friend posts a quotation on her blog the other day: I am bigger than the life I lead.

And "yes!" your soul cries "I really am. Let me show you!"

...A colleague sends you a web site link for a pair of shoes called the Five Fingers. Plastered on the page is the glorification of freedom of another kind:
barefooting (bare•foot•n) n. 1. The exhilarating joy of going barefoot without leaving yourself exposed; 2. any activity requiring unconventional footwear offering the protection of a thin, flexible Vibram skin; 3. an intelligent way to deepen your connection with your natural surroundings.

And your heart does a little leap of joy at the prospect of running naked in the great outdoors.

...You hear about people and companies that are doing things you would love to do!
Make people laugh. Fill your space with succulence. Do some good in the world. Create beauty.

And you quiver and shake with the intensity of need. "I want that for me!"

So what do you do? Stuff your face into a pillow and will it all to go away? Carry on dragging yourself through another eternity of a day? Dangle that big toe into the ice cold lake and prepare yourself for a tidal wave?

A Summer Toast

I had to write a toast for tomorrow's Toastmasters meeting. The theme is SUMMER.

I wrote this quickly - mostly because I am hungry and itching to get out of the house for some exercise. I scribbled this down on a pad of paper as I sat perched on my kneeling chair - one leg poised in a contortion, as if ready to make a mad dash to somewhere.

Although my mind was a bit scattered and distracted, the imagery came so easily.

And it dawned on me how much I enjoy this season.
How I wait for it for months and forget about the simple pleasures and incredible fun that lies in wait every moment during these short 12 weeks.

Here's a toast to SUMMER

to sunshine
green grass
gatherings of friends and family
lilac bushes
BBQ season
cold beer
summer holidays
ice cream
birds chirping at dawn
bare feet
impromptu cocktails on the back deck
campfires
outdoor music
picnics
brilliant sunsets
swimming
and all the things that are evocative of the warmest time of year with the longest days!

To summer!

rant rant rant

That last post was such a rant! Better call me a Waaaaaambulance. ; )

Here's a great article about blogging and exposing one's self to the world. I don't agree with everything that Emily wrote about. But she describes the draw and the world of social networking with ease and flourish.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/25/magazine/25internet-t.html?ref=magazine

the seesaw

I've bouncing around a lot, emotionally and physically, these last few weeks. Swinging from highs to lows, without really being on middle ground much. Either I'm shooting upwards, trying to touch the stars, hands extended up, up, up, feeling on top of the world... or my knees are up by my ears, as I smack the ground hard. Ouch.

The lows don't last long, nor do they particular hurt, they just sort of startle me.
Like a jolt. A smack on the ass. A shake-down.

The highs are all about the fun I've been having at work. I feel good about this move. I feel good about what I've learned in the last 7 months. I feel good about exploring my creative and business side. I like the people I'm connecting with. I like trying brand new things (like Podcasts! I am totally hooked on this audio world). I like thinking about living somewhere new. I like teasing my senses with the idea of moving. Living abroad. Traveling. I'm saving up money for that opportunity - whatever and whenever it might be - I have no idea.

The lows are more about my physical body. I just reached that landmark. I'm heavier than I've ever been IN MY LIFE. I know it's a number. But it's also how I feel - middle-aged, unattractive, stagnant, and undesirable . I am not sure where my sexy side has gone. I don't feel really light and playful. And I'm not sure where this belly arrived from, either. My clothes don't fit. I've had to buy larger and larger sizes. It's a very strange feeling...

But, as I said, the lows don't last long. I seem to push that anxiety to the side very quickly. It feels like I let it go, although I don't know if I'm fooling myself. I am working out more than I have in the last year. Which isn't a lot. It's simply more than I have for a long while. I don't really know how I got to be so sedentary. Funny how you can change. It seemed that before, all I ever did was exercise.

I know that what I can do is be active, have fun, and eat well. That the rest will sort itself out, if I give it enough time. At least, I hope desperately that this will happen.

Today is Friday, and I am embracing a fun, sunny, and active weekend ahead of me. I look forward to playing some tennis, doing yoga, going for a run, reading, winding down, reflecting, spending some time with friends, and laughing.
All good and beautiful things. : )

At least my soul is in good shape!

The Girl Effect

I have to share this with you all. It's powerful. It's important. It's about us. It's about our future.

You need to watch this.

http://girleffect.org

Weekend Mornings

It's a quiet Saturday morning in the house. My sister, visiting from Portland and sans her 1 year old son, is fast asleep (soaking up some leisure time for herself). J&E have run off to do errands and have some fun. I am sitting on the pod, in the sunshine, sipping a Bridgehead, and studying for my exam. I've got a cuddling cat beside me, a fleece blanket warming my toes, and I'm quietly contemplating how beautiful life is and how very lucky I am.

Hope all of you can enjoy a quiet, peaceful morning. In whatever way that makes you smile.

the drudgery of learning

why does learning and studying take so much effort?
why does it feel like work? like obligation? like weight?

why do I manage to find a million other ways to procrastinate - like painting my toes, sending gifts to my friends and family around the world, vaccuming up cat hair, scrubbing the tub, plucking eyebrow hairs...

I always believed that school could be like drinking a tall glass of water, a beaded, deliciously cool glass of water, that glides down your throat in great gulps, seeming to coat your thirst like a velvet cloak, making you sigh in satisfaction.

But I found school to be fraught with anxiety and nervousness. More heat and agitation than calm and tranquil. More painful slogging than simple absorption and satiety.

Maybe I fight it too hard? Perhaps I should just ease into this journey of being a student of life.
Relax and let go. Enjoy the bumpy ride. Immerse myself in appreciating the newness of learning and the stimulation of the unknown.

Or maybe I should just study for my final exam! ; )

Free Will Horoscope

Here's my Free Will horoscope for this week.

Quite profound and beautifully written, I might say. It makes you look differently on a little creature like the ant.

Your power symbol for the week is an ant carrying a potato chip. It means you'll possess so much strength that you'll be able to hold aloft burdens that are much bigger than you. More than that, Aries. You'll look graceful doing it. And here's the kicker. That giant load you carry may ultimately provide nourishment not only for you but also for everyone back at the nest.

the wild

I saw a beautiful film last night, Into the Wild.

Adapted from the book by Jon Krakauer, the film was done by Sean Penn (screenplay written and film directed by him).

It was an exquisite view of the natural world - of the wild - of that raw and untouched landscape that we often don't explore. A story of this young man who wants to give his material belongings up to go live in the wild. To be free.

While I was watching the film, I realized that I have a deep longing to be able to act as courageously as Chris McCandless - to forgo all the traps that we have set up for ourselves in our lives - all the material things which we attach ourselves to - and live a life that is true and honest and one that requires me to be self-sufficient. Relying on no one else but myself.

Here's a quote that Chris wrote:
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

Could I do that?

A few years ago, I walked away from everything that I knew. Everything that I was familiar with. Everything that I had built up over the years. I walked away because, like Chris, I was deeply unhappy. I felt that I had no control over my own life. I felt like I had no choices available to me. I was not free.

And I walked into the wild of being alone, for the first time in my life. I walked into the wild of learning to be on my own, to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, free. I learned what I wanted for myself, what I was willing to accept, and what I was not willing to do.

It's a few years later now, and I've settled into a happy groove. I like myself. I like my life. And I live day to day, seeking out the adventures and the possibilities that can occur when you are open to living, when you are receptive to opportunities, when you embrace the moment.

And there are times, when I watch a movie like the one last night, that I have an urge to give my belongings away, donate my RRSPs/savings to charity, and with nothing more than a backpack on my back and a smile on my face, take that step into the unknown. That road less traveled. And see where it takes me.

Life, as I would like it

I really enjoyed reading this inspiration peak quotation. I like the easiness and freedom that it implies. I like the way that it recognizes how rich an interaction like this one can be.. if you are open to it.

"I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful."

Frederick E. Perl

simple reminders...

from the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

saying goodbye

It's therapeutic and cathartic for me to write. So write I will.
I apologize, in advance, for the heavy subject matter.
And if you decide to stay, thank you for listening.

April 18, 2008
It was time for Kona. Her body was breaking down, she was a shell of the dog I've known, skeletal and bony, and feeble.

It felt like the right time - when she was in a place where she could still recognize us and respond and could still be spunky and spirited. When she still had her faculties and her senses about her. But oh, how it hurt, nonetheless. How we still questioned whether it was right. Whether we had the right to make such a decision. Whether we should wait. Whether we should simply let nature take its course.

We fed her peanut butter cookies, when the sedative went in. Dr. Young, a beautiful and compassionate vet, had warned us that sometimes animals react strongly to the sedative - because of it's potency and because of the sheer quantity that they give. Kona didn't even acknowledge that she had a needle - so intent was she on her treats. She gorged herself! Her eyes were bulging with excitement. Her ears were perked forward. She simply could not believe that she was being given so many treats. Never had she been allowed to have so many cookies at any one time. Oh man, this was good, she told us. Give me more! Her excitement was palpable.

After many cookies, she started licking her lips, soaking in the head rubs and caresses and the gentle strokes on her paws and her back end. Her ears relaxed, and for a bit, she seemed mellow and just plain content. Belly full. Love being given. Life was good.

When the sedative kicked in, she had, what the vet described as, a hallucinogenic reaction. Her ears went into an alert position and her eyes shifted from side to side, back and forth. It was like she was hunting down a fly or a wasp, and was intent on following it and getting it. Watching, shifting, slightly tense. Only her face seemed to be animated and alert , the rest of her started to soften and sink into a very deep, and relaxed state.

Mike lowered her head onto a pillow and nestled her in his lap. He caressed her face. Stroked her muzzle. Played with her soft ears, and talked to her - about the fun places she'd be able to explore, the adventures she'd have, where she didn't have to worry about her body giving out on her. Where she could romp and run and swim to her heart's content. Where she could play and frolic. He talked to her about how much he loved her and how much a part of him she was.

She stayed in his lap. I played with her big paws, my fingers seeking out the tufts of hair that grew between the pads. Telling her I loved her, that she was a good girl, that everything was OK. And we sobbed while the final injection was administered. Her body was so warm, her fur so soft and silky, and her face so alive. Content and animated.

I haven't cried so hard in a long while. I cried for this beautiful animal, this animal child of mine, who came into my life by chance, and who gave me so much free and open love. Love without reservation. Love of a scale that moves me to tears when I allow myself to experience it. Love in the depths of those chocolate brown eyes that stared at me, unafraid, openly, intensely. As if to say, "There you are." Without holding back.

I cried for that time of my life , the 13 years, that I spent with her. The memories, adventures, changes that she simply took in stride, in her easy-going, adaptable, happy-go-lucky spirit. As long as we were there with her, she was content. And so accommodating.

I cried for losing something and letting go of something that loved ME so much. It's not often in one's lifetime that you can be the recipient of such an intense love affair. It makes you feel awfully small and insignificant to walk away from that. To know that you may never know that kind of attention and profound simplicity of an uncomplicated love. In it's most raw and open form.

I cried for Mike's loss. For him finally being on his own - and having to experience coming home to any empty house. For the loss of his anchor and his friend. Kona kept him so grounded and made him feel that he had a family.

And I cried because I was closing this final chapter of my relationship with Mike. After so long, the umbilical cord is cut. It's possible that I may never see him again.

She was so still when she was gone, and yet she looked so much like herself. I walked to the bathroom at one point, and when I came back, I just expected her to rise up. To pant. To look me in the eyes and paw me, as if to say, "OK, now what?"

The worst was watching Mike carry her to the van. Her body was so limp, and it hit me hard that she was really gone. We covered her in a blanket, chuckling feebly at her tongue that was slightly pointing out. The tongue that we used to grab when she panted, tugging, trying to get her to play. We hugged and cried. And that was it.

Mike gave me a picture before I left - of me stroking Kona's head. the week before her death. She looks skinny and her muzzle is white, but it's the same face and body that I've known through the years. Funny how things can change so significantly and yet seem like they haven't changed at all. It felt as if it couldn't possibly be real that she was gone. And yet she is. As the Indigo Girls said "And if it was ever there, and it left, does that mean it was never true?"

I don't think so.

Goodbye, Kona

Dear Kona,

thank you for being such a gentle bear. You were such a big dog, with such a big head and neck and powerful set of jaws, but you'd cower at the site of a wee little kitten.

thank you for the way you'd smile when you saw me. You really and truly knew how to smile.

thank you for the way you'd plop onto me, in bed. You'd nestle in with a deep, contented sigh, and half your 100 lb body, all elbows and ribs, digging into me.

thank you for the way you'd lean your head into me, pushing me off balance, just to get my attention. "I'm here!" And then your paw would hook my arm. "You may think you are leaving, but I'm not done yet."

thank you for long walks we used to take at night. You made me feel so safe and your company was so enjoyed when I walked and talked and sorted things out in my head.

thank you for the way that you reacted to sand. You'd flip out! You'd get your feet on a beach and burst out with this crazy dog dance that you'd do; whipping around in a frenzy with your legs splayed out and this look of sheer delight on your face.

thank you for catching snowballs and plowing head first into snow drifts; your legs digging furiously to make deep caverns in the snow banks. You made winter and early morning walks in the crisp frigid air so much fun.

thank you the way you loved to swim. You would spend hours and hours just floating and drifting, and would often go in and swim on your own, whenever you felt like it.

thank you for the way you'd chew on tennis balls as if they were pieces of bubble gum. The top of your "cone head", those powerful, massive jaw muscles, would flex and contract as you happily chewed away.

thank you for being such a shredder. We never had to worry about you eating anything, you simply loved to shred it - sticks, paper bags, balls, stuffed animals, whatever it was. And if you ever did sneak some food in your mouth that you weren't supposed to eat, you'd look at us with those big melted chocolate brown eyes and wait for us to notice. One little "Kona, release" and out it would pop... and you'd watch it fall to the ground with a big sigh and a look of longing.

thank you for being so stoic when you had two knee surgeries. The only dog I've ever known to have both her knees operated on. We used to laugh that she had more athletic war wounds than any one else we knew.

thank you for the funny way you'd run - slightly sideways, to accommodate your bow legs and pigeon toes. You were never graceful, but you had so much fun; chasing after squirrels or playing hide and seek with us.

thank you for enjoying the road trips and the bike races and the traveling around as much as we did. You were always game when we packed up the car, and you'd start your anticipatory panting, and be so happy when we invited you to crawl into a t-shirt (to cut down on hair!), climb on top of the layers of blankets (to cut down on hair!) in the back seat. Off we'd go. We took you everywhere. People would always remark, "She's so good!". You never caused problems or got into mischief.You seemed to be so happy as long as you were with your "pack."

Thank you for all these gifts that you gave me so freely and so generously.
I'll miss you so much.
Love, me.

it seems

the movement of the belt startles me
reminds me to punch in my personal data and start taking steps

i'm pushing keys, watching the numbers climb.
year after year. i enter this information.
year after year, the numbers increase
i'm moving up, it seems.

but really, i'm just getting older. i'm just getting softer.

the repetitive motion seems familiar.
i've been here before.
pounding on this treadmill. punishing my body. pushing myself. sweating.
going nowhere, it seems.

i think about the yearning that is still so ripe in my body.
so new and fresh, it's like a wound; raw and weeping.
this wanting. this desire.
a hunger that drives me to push, do more, try harder, be more...
i've been running like this for years, it seems.

i think about how little i have to show for the years on my face and the wrinkles on my skin.
how the numbers get bigger, and how much smaller i feel.
how far i still have to go, it seems.

how much i hurt at times, when i feel like the world is such a big place.
and i am scrambling to find my place in it. my purpose. my calling.
times like this when things seem insurmountable and lonely and ugly,
my longing is pronounced.

i stumble and misstep. grab the railings to avoid falling.
i've been catching myself, like this, for years, it seems.

~april 10, 2008

talk to the hand

Shirley and I got our palms read on Friday night. I've had it done a few times now - at different. critical stages of my life - all occurring in the last 6 years - and all read by Jolyn at Second Cup. Thanks Jolyn.

It was cool to hear similar themes across the palm reading - and hear that some things had changed or lessened or shifted focus. I was a very different person in 2002 than I was in 2005 and as I am in 2008. I just noticed that each of these readings were 3 years apart. June, February, and April. (6-2-4) Again a common thread?

I think I'll capture the reading that is most recent, as I guess it's most me. Then we'll go back in time...

April 4, 2008
Right hand: Actions
Need excitement, change, variety
I am very interested in Business.
Jolyn saw papers (writing? administration?) everywhere
Independent
Very practical
Strong communication skills
Intuitive

This year is an 8 year - a year for finances.
The focus is on $$, she couldn't tell whether that would be good or bad.

At age 37/38 - I would TRAVEL! Travel lots and for a long time. Travel, travel, travel. (YAY!)

Key work years: 35, 31, 45, 55, and I'd likely retired in my late 60s (oh yay)

Left Hand/Subconscious/Life Path
Giving.
Perfectionist.
Adaptable.
Good energy.

She mentioned that I should check my thyroid later on in life.

Overload years: 30 (yes), 33 (YES!), 35 (meh), 37, 39, 40, 45

Relationships: Big years 35-37 (I must make some kind of decision. Big emotional years for me)

She sees 2 kids in my life, sort of.
She sees 2 loves, but only 1 is real

Mondays are the new Fridays

Apparently Mondays are the new Fridays.

They are the days that you can ease into your work week, take stock of the week ahead, quietly amass your to-do lists. I find that people tentatively book meetings on Mondays, usually with comments like "Is this a good time? Do you want to wait until Tuesday or later in the week?"

This is the day that you can come into work at your own pace, and feel relaxed, like taking a deep breath before you plunge into the deep end of a pool, and have an underwater race that lasts until you feel like your lungs are going to explode.

I am writing this post on a Friday. The day, for some reason, feels heavy. Expectant. I suppose it's partly that I am sleepy. My mind feels foggy. It doesn't feel like a Friday. It feels like I'll be trying to pack a week into my eight hours. I am sitting here waiting - anticipating the frantic busyness and panic that will begin to build in an hour. I'll hear the phones start ringing, the blackberries start buzzing, and voices start to rise. I'll feel the intensity and electricity... increasing in volume and tight with adrenalin and impatience. I'll feel it build and compound; until it bursts into a crescendo, and like a tidal wave, cascades across the desks and cubicles and hallways of the office.

I'll feel my heart pounding, and I'll feel the sweat on my body. My fingers will fly across the keyboard - and with my mouse, I'll become the model of efficiency - clicking and closing, navigating across the three screens on my desk. Reading, copying, typing, correcting, responding to emails, to queries, to demands, to requests.

Before I know it, it'll be 5pm, and I'll be exhausted, dehydrated, and so ready for the weekend. Ready to soak up the sunshine and play.

OK OK, it's a quiet day. But you never know what might happen.... ; )

peace and power

In the middle of Rock Band, perfecting our respective musical talents, at 8:02pm, we shut off the power for our own Earth Hour celebration. We turned off all the lights in the house, all the appliances, all the computers. We lit some candles and hopped naked and deliciously into bed; with our books and our smiles.

I felt peace settle on the house. I felt the stillness and the lack of noise. In the flickering candlelight, it seemed like the world was comfortable and easy.

In this calm place, I decided it was a good time to start my new Tolle book. A good time, when my own Ego was quiet(er) to read about attachment and identification and the suffering that we have when our Egos control our lives. A good time to meditate. To listen to my breathing. To reflect on my own Ego, the power that it has over me, and how it drives me to think, feel, respond, and react to the world.

Then I picked up my other book, Shantaram, and was assaulted with this statement. More about power, or the lack thereof. And this time, how people often compensate for that lack of power.

Gregory David Roberts wrote "I'd heard that laugh before, in another prison across the world. I knew it well. Cruelty is a kind of cowardice. Cruel laughter is the way cowards cry when they are not alone, and causing pain is how they grieve."

Finally, when I closed my books, and lay back on my pillow, feeling sedated and heavy with drowsiness, and light of spirit, I remembered reading another quotation earlier in the day. How we can make choices: to turn the lights off, to walk away, to listen to our Egos, to be aware of how we ARE, to feel anger, to hurt, to heal, to laugh, to play, to open our arms... And how those choices, in turn, create the journey we have in front of us.
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." ~Carlos Castenada, 1925-1998

Here's a toast to peace and to power. The path that each of them make take. And the choices we each make to find the right path for ourselves.

sunset

I had a dream last night with the most vivid sunset. It was huge, spread across the sky, in deep pinks and purples. I remember that I kept trying to peek around a building or a telephone pole, to actually see the sun. Because I wanted to know what color that orb would be to pain the sky like that. I couldn't get a view of it. I just saw the sky explode in this breathtaking color show. I remember being still and just watching the sky.

It's amazing what comes from my dreams. Just amazing. I often awake wondering where the vividness comes from. Where the colors and textures and scenarios stem from. It's no wonder that I have no retention for movie lines or song lyrics, or random tidbits of trivia. Good portions of my brain space are taken up by my dreams.

I looked up some of the symbolism in the Dream Moods Dictionary, and here's what I found:

Sunset
To see the sunset in your dream, indicates the end of a cycle or condition. It is a period of rest, renewal, and evaluation.

Purple
Purple is indicative of devotion, healing abilities, loving, kindness, and compassion. It is also the color of royalty, high rank, and dignity.

Pink
Pink represents love, joy, sweetness, happiness, affection, kindness. Being in love or healing through love is also implied with this color.

Hmmmm...

Happy Friday!

battle weary

I've been wanting to blog for a few days now, and I can't seem to think of something clever or powerful to describe. I've made a point of paying attention to things, to find the nuggets of an interesting story or amusing anecdote, to capture something in prose.

I haven't found any stories or scenarios, but being aware has made me realize that I am very cranky these days. I am impatient when I drive. I am quick to honk, to give someone the "Ah, give me a break, buddy" full hand gesture. I find I am anticipating that people are going to be rude and obnoxious. I catch myself muttering obscenities under my breath, interspersed with "Fuck You!" exclamations. I am edgy and uptight.

I've noticed this at work and home. My brows are furrowed, my body is tense. The angry switch got flipped on more times in the last week, than in the last year put together. I hear myself sigh deeply in annoyance.

What is going on?

I can't figure out where this frazzled me is coming from. I can't figure out why. Quite frankly, I don't like it. I don't feel generous, I don't feel free. I feel like my heart is squeezed into a tight little ball of bitterness. Like I'm a refugee from a battle of some magnitude, and I'm awash with righteous justification and indignation. My fuse is quick to ignite.

But I've not been in any battles.

I'm sleeping well. I'm eating very healthily. I feel refreshed in the mornings. I am exercising (sometimes). I start every day feeling open and generous. I go to bed at night with "Awaken the Buddha Within" and reflect on life. Work is going well. My sex life is great. I have time to read. I sleep peacefully.

Admittedly, my dreams have been very angry too. In them, I am consistently petulant and pouty. I am emotionally immature. I cause scenes. I get angry. I rage. I cry.

Why?

It's clear to me that I am trying to resolve something. In some deep recess of my subconscious, someone is pounding on a door, desperately trying to get it open. But I don't have that combination. I don't even know where to begin to look for a locksmith.

I've got a road trip ahead of me this weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes up while I ponder the wide stretch of asphalt and sip coffee. While I hear the tires underneath me, and feel the sunshine on my face. I think there's an opportunity for me to pay attention to this noise and see what all the fuss is about. Let the road soothe the savage beast.

Assuming, I don't get into any fights along the way....

posting from the slopes

It's raining here, in Killington, Vermont. The fluffy flakes of snow that fell on Sunday night have morphed into a slushy, icy sludge. Today is not the day that I want to don my snowboarding gitch and head out on the slopes. It's wet and overcast. This afternoon, I'm content to curl up indoors, complete with a glass of red wine, and a few minutes in solitaire and peace... putting pen to paper, metaphorically, I want to try and capture the magic of the birthday surprise from last night.

"We arrived at 47 Lewis Rd. around 6:30pm. The lights in the house were on, and we could smell the sharp sting of a burning wood fire in the damp, thick air. We rang the doorbell; standing on the step with gift in hand. Heard the thundering of footfalls pounding over to the front door, while the rain drops beat a rhythm on the front handrail. A face peeked out from the rectangular window slice. A furrowed brow, beneath a bright pink and white striped beanie, took the three strangers in. All at once, a smile broke out, and the door opened. "Auntie Lisa? What are you doing here?" Then a quick retreat back into the door to yell out "Whitney!!!"

Whitney, foot thumping alerting us to her arrival, is breathless at the door. "Why are you here?"

"We heard there was a birthday girl.... Happy Birthday Whitney!", we yell and break into the birthday song. A half smile and look of delight on her face, Whitney announces, "Well, you can come inside!"

Inside we go...into the heated room, into the giggles and hugs of the girls. Into the astonished exclamations of "I had no idea you were coming! Did Mommy know? Why didn't anyone tell me?" The tugs on the arm to show us the latest story, article of clothing, silly joke. The pokes and prods and kisses of delight. The laughter.

Into the kitchen, easing into the chaotic flow of a regular evening with a busy family, finding our bearings with the mashing of the potatoes, the pouring of the red wine, the setting of the table. Getting our groove amongst the requests flying through the air "Girls, let's set the table. Aly, help Mommy with the potatoes."

Quick snatches of conversation, questions and comments layered with the jokes and the silliness and the excited hum of a change in the evening's plans. A sudden upheaval. Christmas in March.

And we closed the door against the rain and the windy, winter weather, and embraced the warmth within."

Mindfulness...

A friend sent this to me. She said she found it in her inbox, in an email from me, something that I saw on a poster in a doctor's office. Wow, did it jar me. I think I needed to be reminded about how to make the most of my life and the moments that I am given RIGHT NOW. How to seize the situation, be present, aware, live life to the fullest, and soak up as much as I am capable of.

"Whoever is present, are the right people.
Whenever it begins, is the right time.
Whatever happens, is the only thing that could have happened.
When it's over, it's over."

Thank you, for the reminder.

confidence...

I don't actually think you get more confident as you get older...

... it's just wishful thinking

and breathing...

After spending some good quality time with friends, going for a run (a beautiful way of setting my equilibrium), reading and recharging, and playing, I am feel much more grounded. I think by being present - making sure that the I am present for each experience that I am involved in, gives me such a healthy perspective. It stops my monkey mind from taking off to the future (which has not happened and does not exist yet) or dwelling in the past; holding on to something which no longer is. Being now gives me a chance to let go. I don't have to be anything than what I am right now. What I feel. What I want. The rest just unfolds, the same way my breath pours from my body. Naturally. Instinctively. One at a time... as deeply or as shallow as I choose to take it.

Space

There's no space for me
When you burst into the room
Eclipsing my self with your tempest and fire.

There's no space for me
Amidst your dreams and passions and tears;
Your grandiose gestures;
Your eloquence and intelligence.

I feel small in your presence
Unsure and timid.
Lost and tentative.

The noise is deafening, at times.
And my world starts to tunnel
Strangling my energy;
Suffocating the breathing room that I have left.

I know this is my challenge -
that the universe brings us what we need to learn from;
what we need to grow from;
opportunities to regain our footing
and tear down the old walls that formed in our psyches.

But this one is hard for me.
Finding my voice....
that seems so hollow and broken;
carried away on the wind that rushes forth from you
pummeling my diaphragm
until I can do no more than croak.

Muted, I blink, and retreat. To lick my wounds.
To recover some of my spirit. Some of my joy.
I'm losing my joy.

There will be another time
and another place for me
to assert myself.
To create an emotional sanctuary for my own being -
A place that can exist comfortably in your presence and in your essence.
Easily. Honestly.

But it's not tonight. And I shut the door
with a welcome sigh at the silence.

-- lml Feb 11, 2008

no problem...

This is what enlightenment is all about - a deep understanding that there is no problem. Then, with no problem to solve, what will you do? Immediately you start living. You will eat, you will sleep, you will love, you will work, you will have a chit-chat, you will sing, you will dance - what else is there to do?

~ Osho

words to inspire me before heading out on a road trip...

"If you just look at all that already exists in your life, all that you already have: unlimited air to breathe, ample lighting to see, music to hear, books to read, stars to dream by, trees to gaze at, floors to dance on, friends to cavort with, enemies to befriend, strangers to meet, woods to walk through, beaches to comb, rocks to scale, rains to cleanse you, rivers to float you, animals to comfort you; you do have to admit, there's more of it than you could ever, ever, ever spend.

But try anyway."

~ Mike Dooley

happiness

"If you observe a really happy man, you will find him building a boat,

writing a symphony, educating his child, growing double dahlias or

looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi Desert. He will not be searching

for happiness as if it were a collar button that had rolled under the

radiator, striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware

that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours

of each day."

W. Beran Wolfe, 1900-1935

Author and Psychiatrist