the seesaw

I've bouncing around a lot, emotionally and physically, these last few weeks. Swinging from highs to lows, without really being on middle ground much. Either I'm shooting upwards, trying to touch the stars, hands extended up, up, up, feeling on top of the world... or my knees are up by my ears, as I smack the ground hard. Ouch.

The lows don't last long, nor do they particular hurt, they just sort of startle me.
Like a jolt. A smack on the ass. A shake-down.

The highs are all about the fun I've been having at work. I feel good about this move. I feel good about what I've learned in the last 7 months. I feel good about exploring my creative and business side. I like the people I'm connecting with. I like trying brand new things (like Podcasts! I am totally hooked on this audio world). I like thinking about living somewhere new. I like teasing my senses with the idea of moving. Living abroad. Traveling. I'm saving up money for that opportunity - whatever and whenever it might be - I have no idea.

The lows are more about my physical body. I just reached that landmark. I'm heavier than I've ever been IN MY LIFE. I know it's a number. But it's also how I feel - middle-aged, unattractive, stagnant, and undesirable . I am not sure where my sexy side has gone. I don't feel really light and playful. And I'm not sure where this belly arrived from, either. My clothes don't fit. I've had to buy larger and larger sizes. It's a very strange feeling...

But, as I said, the lows don't last long. I seem to push that anxiety to the side very quickly. It feels like I let it go, although I don't know if I'm fooling myself. I am working out more than I have in the last year. Which isn't a lot. It's simply more than I have for a long while. I don't really know how I got to be so sedentary. Funny how you can change. It seemed that before, all I ever did was exercise.

I know that what I can do is be active, have fun, and eat well. That the rest will sort itself out, if I give it enough time. At least, I hope desperately that this will happen.

Today is Friday, and I am embracing a fun, sunny, and active weekend ahead of me. I look forward to playing some tennis, doing yoga, going for a run, reading, winding down, reflecting, spending some time with friends, and laughing.
All good and beautiful things. : )

At least my soul is in good shape!