it seems

the movement of the belt startles me
reminds me to punch in my personal data and start taking steps

i'm pushing keys, watching the numbers climb.
year after year. i enter this information.
year after year, the numbers increase
i'm moving up, it seems.

but really, i'm just getting older. i'm just getting softer.

the repetitive motion seems familiar.
i've been here before.
pounding on this treadmill. punishing my body. pushing myself. sweating.
going nowhere, it seems.

i think about the yearning that is still so ripe in my body.
so new and fresh, it's like a wound; raw and weeping.
this wanting. this desire.
a hunger that drives me to push, do more, try harder, be more...
i've been running like this for years, it seems.

i think about how little i have to show for the years on my face and the wrinkles on my skin.
how the numbers get bigger, and how much smaller i feel.
how far i still have to go, it seems.

how much i hurt at times, when i feel like the world is such a big place.
and i am scrambling to find my place in it. my purpose. my calling.
times like this when things seem insurmountable and lonely and ugly,
my longing is pronounced.

i stumble and misstep. grab the railings to avoid falling.
i've been catching myself, like this, for years, it seems.

~april 10, 2008