I've been crying a lot lately - sad songs, silly movies, funny little
interactions with people - leave tears coursing down my cheeks.
...for no apparent reason.
It leaves me feeling troubled.
Like I'm grieving for something that isn't even in my consciousness.
Like I'm turned around and disoriented, and I don't even know that I was supposed to be heading in a certain direction.
Like my soul is waiting.
My bags are packed and I've got my passport ready to go.
But I don't have the ticket yet or know where I'm going.
I find that I'm not fond of this state.
Of feeling a storm coming when the air is calm and the sky is blue.
Of seeing my fragility so close to the surface, wearing thin in places, exposed to the elements.
I find myself getting flustered at my inability to articulate simple thoughts.
I find myself getting impatient at little things that used to make me smile.
I find I argue with myself, out loud sometimes, over how I want to be instead of how I am.
I find the easiness with which I felt light and laughter and NOW is heavier. It takes longer to get there. And it leaves me more swiftly.
I wonder if I am being over dramatic.
If I am catering to my emotional state and allowing it to take over.
I wonder if I am simply fighting these feelings, and by forcing them down, making them even stronger and more present.
I wonder if I'll find some of these answers in the words I write and the feelings that spring from me like a fountain.
I wonder.
3 comments:
A station is a destination.
It's the journey, not the destination.
So, the train must move.
good perspective! : )
Life is a journey... and I do feel like I am moving...but very slowly.
Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I am more accustomed to taking big, huge, breathtaking leaps. (Or want to.) Maybe that's why I feel unsettled.
Unsettled by the dishes in the sink and the fact that I have laundry to do... even though parts of me have taken off in the sunset on some grand adventure that the rest of me isn't experiencing.
When you catch a train, often you have to stand in line to wait your turn to get your ticket.
Then you have to wait your turn to board the train.
Then you have to put away your luggage and find your seat.
Then you have to wait for everyone else to do the same.
And then, then the train pulls away from the station....and that's when it's really cool!
All the tedious stuff has to happen first. But in the end, it's worth it, because there's nothing like a journey on a train.
Close your eyes. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Then open your eyes and get on the fucking train.
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