It's been a weary kind of day, today. I feel weighed down and fragmented from the people and things that give me energy and pleasure. I'm filled with a yearning for escape which often comes to me at the times when I am the neediness. As if I want to somehow flee from my very own self. As if I recognize the distaste for seeing and experiencing that part of me. Even my dreams, my sanctuary away from reality that often fill me with color and vividness and intensity, were filled with images of people I enjoy and care for being awful to other people in my life. I felt caught in the middle and very torn and woke with a deep sadness. I have a hard time knowing what my soul needs when I feel this way. I respond quickly to tough love; the voice in my head telling me to just suck it up and remember how lucky I am. The sharp sting of rebuke or a roll of the eyes. And yet, if, in the midst of this space, someone passes along a kind word or a gentle thought, I feel myself crack ever so slightly, feel my throat tighten in a great lump, and feel the tears come.
I don't feel in the mood to try and analyze where these feelings are coming from. I suspect I'll get some inkling from my dreams tonight. I'm off to bed to rest and sleep and wake tomorrow with a brand new day to start things all over again. Wishing you all peace.
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