learning

When I think about school:

I remember the angst
I remember not fitting in
I remember wondering what my destiny was
I remember worrying about the world
I remember feeling determined to do something about it
I remember hating myself
I remember harboring secrets
I remember wanting things so badly my stomach would twist in pain
I remember struggling
I remember not understanding the magic of learning
I remember feeling inadequate
I remember being afraid
I remember being able to understand people who also felt out of sorts
I remember wanting to help them
I remember feeling lost
I remember laughing easily especially over stupid things
I remember how easily things affected me
I remember crying often and hard
I remember wishing that things were different
I remember living in a fantasy world
I remember yearning to run away
I remember watching popular people with awe
I remember fumbling
I remember stumbling
I remember feeling awkward
I remember growing 5 inches so quickly
I remember towering over the rest of my class, boys included
I remember how much I loved to read
I remember that I wanted to be actress
I remember not making it into any plays
I remember creating stories and movies in my head
I remember going there for fun and comfort
I remember taking long walks in the mountains behind my house
I remember thinking that there was a reason for my existence and that I just needed to find out what it was
I remember the soul friends that I did make, how rare they were, and how they still make me smile when I think of them

Years later, I am thinking about going back to school and I've been assaulted by all these memories and fears and wants. I am a different person, in many ways, and yet I am someone who is still haunted by the ghosts of desire (to do good things, to be a part of a community, to feel acceptance in my heart, to help this world).

I like that I am stretching myself to reexamine this relationship. To look at it through a different lens. To open myself up to the beautiful experience of learning. Learning something new, stretching my mind, gaining a different perspective, giving myself permission to try and try and hopefully succeed in understanding something that is unfamiliar. What a fortunate place to be in! What an incredible chance to be bold and find courage. A chance to redefine myself and change old patterns.

How often in one's life will I have the chance to be immersed in growth like this? It's a good opportunity - one that makes me excited and anxious and determined. We'll see where it leads me!