Alice Hoffman

I've read books and words by Alice Hoffman over the course of many years of my life. I keep coming back to her. And i keep rediscovering her. Because of how she captures the relationship of sisters, the connection we have to nature, the magic that lives inside us, the spiritualness of the world around us and the strong power of being a woman in this world. I don't know how she does it for me, but each time I experience her words...I am absolutely lifted away from where I am. It is like she somehow has tunneled into my soul and described what it means to be a woman, a lover, a sister, a daughter and friend. 

~ lml July 23, 2013

Moving....

The word moving evokes so much for me. Obviously there is the practical application which implies the journey of discovery (looking and finding) and there is also the kinesthetic experience of energy (moving your body, your mind, your spirit).

I am moving.

I am practically dealing with my "things" - clothes, books, knick-knacks, gear - the accumulation that comes with a privileged First World life. I am also moving, kinesthetically. Seeking a new job and a new life challenge. Searching for the meaning of "home" and the figurative and literal baggage that goes along with that word. Finding ways to grow - through new hobbies (or new discoveries of old ones), exercises of the physical and mental kind that stimulate innovation and adventure, and a complete surrender to sunshine, water and fertile soil (the necessary ingredients to ensure that all of me is nurtured and all of me can flourish)!

As a physical being, I like to move. I like the stimulation that comes with firing your neurons, activating your muscles and sinew, taking that leap. I am an enthusiastic doer, I get things done, often with a huge smile on my face.

I love this time of year - Spring - when you can feel the Earth moving. Buds popping up on trees and plants; the sunshine pushing the cold air fronts away; the days getting longer.

It's a time for all of us to celebrate movement.

~ lml April 14, 2013

the rollercoaster

I've sent out 88 applications for jobs since 2010. Not including the ones I've tracked down and applied for online and through word-of-mouth.

88 applications. Over the course of 3 years, during EMBA school, working at the CMA, Oxfam, traveling, etc. That's about 30 a year.

88 organizations that have resonated with me. People and roles that sound amazing and make me somewhat crazy with anticipation and enthusiasm and want.

Can you imagine riding a roller coaster with 88 hills? 88 times of clawing your way to the top, waiting for the brakes to fail, feeling like you are going to hurtle backwards to your death, only to find that you are at the top, with just enough time to catch your breath, before you go screaming down and down and down.....

Well I'm still riding this roller coaster. I keep finding new hills to climb - amazing new heights and incredible views - and new lows to flatten me.

The ride hasn't gone off the rails yet, but I am feeling a little queasy.

~ lml
March 26, 2013

Ahh... sweet Friday

This morning, upon hearing the words "Happy Friday" bounce from my lips, my niece screamed at the top of her lungs "NO! No! NOOO! It's not happy! No! I don't want you to say it's happy!" 

I was a little taken aback. I love Friday. It's sacred for me. I love the way it pounces on you and reminds you of the ripe, fullness of the weekend ahead. I love how it feels decadent - all this time available to you. Leaps and heaps of indulgent, carefree space. All for you.

It's a happy time! 

Today, I am feeling grateful for this opportunity to be present and to nurture my own gratefulness for being alive, being healthy, for having incredible friendships and for feeling this huge capacity to love in my body. It feels like this untapped well... so much space available to feel; so much potential there it moves me to tears. 

Happy Friday! 

Tick tock

I made a decision this year. A conscious choice to leave a good job that was, in a very specific way, toxic. A choice to throw my destiny into the air. To do something I have always wanted to do - live overseas - and to seize this time, this opportunity of freedom and un-encumberment, to travel.

So.... the time is near. My first adventure, six weeks in London, is almost here. I'm nervous and happy and sad and thrilled all rolled into one. I find that so funny.

I know I will be away from some really incredible people in my life who are so much a part of my fabric. My being. They are friends and lovers and soul twins and safety nets. They are people and places where I feel whole. Where I feel free to be me. Something I have grown to love and take for granted these last 9 years.

And people have asked me why I am leaving. Like I'm breaking up with all of them. Like I am destroying something so good. For what? Selfishness?

I know I will be forging new relationships with my sister and her family, in ways that our one week Christmas or summer vacations can't give me. I am really looking forward to that. I worry that I will rock their boat. I worry that our lives will be so different in how we live them and that the adjustment might be taxing for everyone. But I do believe we have a strong enough communication foundation to really kick back and enjoy the experience. It will be new for all of us.

And I plan on writing. About the people I meet. The feelings I have being "away". What I learn. What I see. What I experience.

So....for now. Give me a good send off. Wish me success and happiness.
I'll keep you posted.

~ lala
Jan 28, 2013

Rapture

My eyes can't cry much longer
I feel so overwhelmed by these emotions...

Freedom
Joy
Gratefulness
The space to celebrate the moment

The rapture of feeling life, liberty and intense love.

~ lml
January 17, 2013

peace

It's a word that conjures up so much for me. A place, a space, a sense of calm; of quiet; of presence; of being in the moment; of having your body and soul and heart aligned. In harmony. A sense of knowing who you are so strongly that nothing could sway or de-rail you. The breath you inhale. The relaxing of the muscles around your eyes, your spine and your soul. A magnificent and oft-sought place. One that is so hard to find. Something I wish more people could know; could experience; could trust that they could find. It is there... it is! You just need to pause; breathe and trust.

Oh beautiful day of energy...

Today was a day of energy.

I gave energy and received so much in return. Amplified.
I used my hands and my heart. I felt light and free. It was so little to do and to give.
And I got so much in return.

And when I sat. Quietly. In contentment. Sipping some lemongrass tea. I saw it.
An opportunity. One that rocked me.

It seemed like it came out of the blue.

I love those moments! When you feel your worlds align and the power that comes from that groove.
I have no expectations, but I sure did feel the impact of that energy.

Here's to keeping my fingers crossed and to G Adventures hearing the call....

Discovering your perfect career

That's my reading for tonight. The Complete Idiot's Guide to no less.

Hi, My Name is Lisa. I am 40 years old. I don't know what I want to do with my life.

*sigh*

What does Christmas mean for you?

Gina asked me what Christmas meant to me. After a short consideration, I realized that it means the best (and sometimes only) time that people express love.

It's a space that we have carved out-that we have given ourselves permission to have-which allows us to remember that we are a community. A family. That I love you as much as I would love my blood. That the world we live in is actually small. That the person whom you think lives across the world and whom you feel you despise could actually be your brother, mother, sister, lover, friend.

For that one day, many of us come together. We are generous and free spirited. We kiss with abandon. We hold each other close. We revel in laughter. We make an effort to be social. To break bread with each other. We acknowledge our humanity, our connection and the beauty we know is around us, inside us and available to us.

Just imagine what that could mean for the rest of those 364 days of the year. What could we build? What mountains could we move? What amazing things could we do with that amount of love and compassion?

It frightens us, I think. That power, that intensity, that sheer possibility.

So we tuck it away. For months. We forget about it. We go about the work and play and life that we lead.

Until we hear the seasonal songs and feel the crisp cool air bite our noses and our cheeks.
And our hearts begin to thaw and we feel that familiar tug...

what do you dream of?

I am reminded frequently - by the conflict in the world, the Buddhist difficult-ness of life, the pain that is present in so many people's hearts and souls, the fear that propels each of us to react, retreat, retaliate- of how short our time is on this earth and how, even more critical it is to make sure it’s the life that YOU want for yourself. I have no visual picture of what that life is, right now. I don’t dream about a future on my own or in a certain place or even knowing what I want to do with my life. Surely, at 40, I should have some glimpses? Some ideas? Some aspirations? Or maybe I have too many and they render me paralyzed.

Perhaps by starting small – learning Spanish, taking a short trip to somewhere new, let go of some of my newly acquired baggage of the last few years (partying, being wild, being sexy…) – that these realizations will surface? More vividly? Or maybe it’s in the act of doing that the desire manifests?! I will watch this and see what I learn.

I am watching my fingers type in my laptop screen as I enter these words. I see these strong, square fingers, so much like Julie’s and my Dad’s. I see a long-haired, wrinkled but smiling face silhouetted in the background. What would she tell my younger self? What wisdom, capacity and opportunity is before me. I am feeling more and more compelled to find out what that is. 

- lml, November 25, 2012

Beautiful

"If you look for the beautiful, you will find it." ~ Ron Atchison


I looked for the beautiful today and found it in an early morning cuddle with a friend and lover, the feel of a furry baby implanted on my chest in the middle of the night, the taste and smell of fresh bread and melted butter in the morning, a long, dark drink of good coffee, brain games, opportunities to make friends, laughter, sunshine, summer and a full night of deep, dreamless, happy sleep.

banging my head against a wall

Ah yes, here is my deep guilt.
And my incredulous disbelief.
And my immediate sadness.
And my reluctant compassion.

And a huge desire to let the past go.

And an even bigger yearning to be living right now.

"I guess that I will always feel that had circumstances been different you and I would have made a great couple and familly and would have a familly with lovely kids maybe that would be 6 and 5 now or something.  I think you would have been a great mom.  Maybe we will still get the chance ... who knows."


Sigh.

Happiness

what is happiness?

why is it something that people search for it over and over?

why is it something that seems so elusive?

why doesn't it reveal itself in the depths of heartache
or find itself nestled in the corner of one's soul?

why does it feel hard to enjoy?

why do we need permission to feel it? To let go and soak it in?

~ lml, November 2011

Remember why...

motivation

procrastination

i feel stupid

i feel smart

i love this work

i'm bored

this excites me

i know i'm growing

what am I doing

how will I get there

do more

be different

have fun

work harder

remember why you are doing this

~ lala September 8, 2011

the refrain

I wrote this last week, when I was struggling with something that seemed, in the moment, massive and life-altering. It blistered and festered and surprised me by it's forcefulness.
With a wonderful friend's little nudge towards gentleness and perspective, much of this anger passed.
I am grateful for his kindness and for his encouragement. I am grateful for so many things in my life.
But, sometimes, in the quiet of the night, I still hear this refrain.

the refrain

I'm talking the talk. I talk, and I talk.

I'm really good at talking.

I play the game. Yes, I want a good job. Yes, I have goals.

Yes, I want that. Yes, I need that. Yes, why not?

It's the same refrain since I was a little girl.

Seeing much more, yearning for it, feeling it at my finger tips...

...and then ignoring it. Not paying attention to it.

I always wanted to dance. To sing.

I've never taken lessons. 

I never just turn the music up and do it.

What am I waiting for? Someone to show me how to move my lips?

I long to travel the world. To explore. 

To set my sights on wonders and dig deep inside me.

My backpack lies unused in my closet. Unpacked. 

What am I waiting for? Permission to leave?

Learning a new language. Reading the piles of books on my shelf. 

Drawing. Getting fit. Learning to cook. Starting a new business. Investing in stocks. Buying real estate. 

It's like I expect that these things will creep into my subconscious and suddenly, I'll just start doing them.

What stops me from starting? What stops me from doing?

Why am I paralyzed? 

I love being over 6 feet 

Embracing my inner Amazon queen

I stand tall and straight

But what you don't see is that I still care so much about how you see me

How much it hurts that I'm still here and you are over there.

How do I get there? 

I love being unconventional - doing things differently.

I like not fitting in to the cookie cutter boxes and white picket fences.

I read "The Ethical Slut" and "Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be"

But really, yes, this white-washed Caucasian is really rocking the world with her Reitman's clothing and her Merrell footwear.

Yes, I have a pair of Trivium shoes and a great pair of purple pleather pants..... awesome! 

I never wear them. They sit in my closet.

I don't even have a tattoo.

I have yet to get my dreadlocks. I've never lived on a commune.

I am not homeless, free spirited or raw.

I'm pretty fucking conventional.

This is the same refrain that I've been living since I was a teenager.

Since I wanted to run away to Brazil to save the rain forest.

I didn't do it then. I'm not doing it now. 

What's stopping me? 

Fear? Sloth? Lethargy? Apathy? 

Am I just hoping that some great person will take me under their wing because they see the "potential" in me?

Why can't I just trust that I am OK? That I have potential enough. That it's time to just go. 

Stop waiting and go. Why haven't I gone? 

So I got laid off. 4 months ago. What have I done with that time?

And here I am, a Wednesday night. I'm in front of my computer writing when I could be doing something different.

Something more. Something else.

Serving dinner at a soup kitchen. Helping orphans in Africa. Feeling like I am physically making a difference in this world.

Instead of sitting in my comfortable home. With a beautiful and loving friend. With all the amenities I could ever imagine. 

With air conditioning. A cuddly cat. Movies. Good food. 

Feeling sorry for myself.

Really? 

Really?

It's the same refrain that I've been living since I was in my twenties and thirties.

Feeling so out of place in this world - and catching glimpses of my authentic soul.

Glimpses which make me ache and move me to tears. 

Glimpses which smack me in the face and remind me about who I am.

I saw it when I was in the woods - searching for lost and missing people.

I saw it when I was a Big Sister to a girl-child who became part of my family.

I felt it in the moments when I unflinchingly wrote my pain and my sorrow in poetry.

I felt it when I was at my lowest. When my compassion was at its highest.

When I sat in front of the mirror and peeled away the layers of lies and the pretenses accumulated during the day.

The yeses and pleases. The inability to say no. The overriding need to say yes. 

The realization that I wanted to make peace and keep things harmonious.

When really, what I was doing was causing a torrential storm of rage and emotion inside of myself.

I am not yet forty and I refuse to live this same refrain. I refuse to.

I know that what is inside me and what I think I have to do are totally separate.

I don't know where the distinction is and I don't know how to find it out.

But it's there. 

I need to be me. I need to be authentic. I need to live the life that I want. 

I need to do. I need to go. I need to grow.

~ June 2011

crickets...

I think the hardest part of losing a job is the silence that comes.

There is a big rush of support and encouragement at the beginning, a lovely and genuine display of positive energy - people unexpectedly reaching out, ideas that come at full force about what to do next, the networking that seems exhausting, to be frank, because there are so many people to reach out to, so many possibilities, so much potential. Or so it seems.

And then comes the quiet.

It's no different than what you feel with any big change - the loss of a loved one, a big move to a new city, a divorce or separation - any kind of start over.

The emotional highs and lows come hand-in-hand with the honest realization that you are alone, that your destiny is in your hands and that you have to find the grit and the strength to be alone, and the courage to continue moving. To take that next step forward, to pull yourself out of that rut, to continue pushing for what you believe in, what you want, what you see yourself doing.

You have to believe, and try, and cry, and fail and start over and dig deeply.

And the times when you hear nothing but the crickets are the times when the biggest growth occurs.
It's when you face your demons and your darkness and you still manage to smile at your face in the mirror.

Today is a new day - let's see what unfolds!
~ lala

on the eve of my 39th birthday

It's the eve of my 39th birthday and I'm feeling so good! 
I have beautiful wonderful happy people who are my friends and chosen family
I have some very interesting job prospects that excite the shit out of me
I feel so free and unencumbered
I am strong and healthily, I am capable, I am carving if out my destiny
I am lucky and grateful to be healthy and whole
I am spiritual and gentle
I have the resources to help, the energy to want to help and the wherewithal to make it happen! 
I know what it feels like to love and to be loved and to touch and be touched. 
I have arms to hold people - to want them and to clasp them close to me
And I have the strength to let them go, without fear, and without needing them to return
I feel blessed and, at times, beautiful, especially as I watch a super moon in the sky or hear the sound of the ocean or feel the sun on my skin. 
I bathe in the happiness of life and the joy that I feel when I connect with those around me


Happy, happy birthday to me. I am so lucky!
~ lala

before you...

I love the kind of day that spreads itself open to you...
to possibility
The hours are ripe and swollen
And time crawls slowly
Giving you enough time to savor
The sweetness and richness
The sheer delicacy
Of nothingness and everything

Unfathomable depths - free for the taking
To use however you can imagine
However you can enjoy them
In whatever way you want

~ lml

the space between

between the next to-do list

between the piles of books next to your bed

between the chores and the logistics - 

the repetitive duties of the day

between the emails and the phone calls - 

the required communication that drains you

between the dreams and the wish lists - 

the desires that intoxicate you

between the tabs of bookmarked websites -

the endless information and content that buries you

between the what's next and the what's now...

is the space.

the space is quiet, restorative

the space is empty

it can cause anxiety and despair because of its depth and breadth

it can bring on insecurities and doubts

it is the discomfort of the unknown

but what it brings is peace

a chance to recharge and reflect

a place to grow

the space to stop your brain from panicking

and start thinking

the space to stop festering and floundering

and start growing

between today and tomorrow

I challenge you to find the space

between your expectations and your obligations

I challenge you to find freedom

- lml