When I am scared

It's been awhile since I have journalled, and I thought I'd try out this blog medium.

I am a little stunned by this force of emotion. Mostly, (I suspect partly it's because of hormones), centered around the fact that I am meeting up with Mike tonight. And I don't want to. But I am too much of a coward to tell him; to be honest that it's hard for me to relate to him; that the thick emotional cloud that seems to be between us sometimes makes it hard to breathe; that he seems to be looking for a way to connect with me - and worrying about my wellbeing is that vehicle - and that it's just stifling me. It makes me want to flee.

It's so cowardly of me - especially as I want so much to be honest with those around me - and all I am feeling right now is such sadness, guilt, and a pervasive criticism of myself. I feel fat, that terrible sensation of being large and so very out of place; of being dumb, and ugly. Where do these feeling comes from? Why? How does this pattern, this cycle, get triggered?

Is it my form of control over a situation that I am afraid of? That, by beating up on myself, somehow it becomes easier or less frightening to deal with? That, if I set the bar low enough, no matter what happens, I will come out ahead?

I do have a choice in all of this. I have a choice to accept this invitation, or not. I have a choice to feel like shit or not. I have a choice to remember all that is so good in my life. Accept that I feel fragile, and scared, and yes, weak, and just move past this.

I recognize that a lot of this emotion, especially the inability to be honest, comes from the fact that there are so many things that I am experiencing and exploring that I chose not to tell him about. The chasm is there, and it's exhausting to try and communicate with such a great distance between us.

And yet, I ask myself, why do I care so much about him that I go through all of this just to meet him for a drink? I don't know. Maybe it just seems too cruel to tell him that I don't want to see him, especially when I know he is struggling emotionally. Maybe I keep seeing glimmers of potential in him that make me feel that it's possible for him to "get" this; I just don't know.

Maybe it's just punishment that I inflict on myself because I feel like I deserve it. Because I hurt him.