I struggle with the concept of denial. It's a yo-yo relationship that stems back to my early years in a religious school; the belief that denial is a constructive way to grow.
I have a really strong reaction to that concept. I feel, instinctively, that denying one's self of something doesn't make you grow; it makes you shrink and constrict. It tightens you; prevents you from letting go. Forces you to hold on to something fiercely.
When I deny myself of something, I feel like I am not accepting all the parts of me. I'm not accepting the little patches of colors and textures and motifs that make up who I am. I am informing my psyche that there are pieces of me that are bad, there are wants that I have that are wrong, there are parts of my whole that are not OK. And that what is right is to stuff those elements of my personality into a little box and lock it up.
In doing so, I learn not to accept certain parts of myself. I learn not to sit with those aspects of my self in compassion and patience and understanding. I teach myself that parts of me are not acceptable and not worthy. I feel guilty for enjoying those pleasures…
And I am startled by the intense feelings of rebellion and anger. Of being anxious and unhappy. Of wanting to flee. And when I have the chance, I end up overindulging because I've starved that part of myself for so long.
I wonder how the experience of denial can be healthy and constructive. I wonder how to learn and become more self-aware in that kind of a cycle. And I wonder how I can grow in that kind of an environment.
I'm not sure denial is for me. I don't quite know where the balance is, between too much and too little. I suspect that the middle ground is a place where there is openness, patience, awareness and acceptance.
I have a really strong reaction to that concept. I feel, instinctively, that denying one's self of something doesn't make you grow; it makes you shrink and constrict. It tightens you; prevents you from letting go. Forces you to hold on to something fiercely.
When I deny myself of something, I feel like I am not accepting all the parts of me. I'm not accepting the little patches of colors and textures and motifs that make up who I am. I am informing my psyche that there are pieces of me that are bad, there are wants that I have that are wrong, there are parts of my whole that are not OK. And that what is right is to stuff those elements of my personality into a little box and lock it up.
In doing so, I learn not to accept certain parts of myself. I learn not to sit with those aspects of my self in compassion and patience and understanding. I teach myself that parts of me are not acceptable and not worthy. I feel guilty for enjoying those pleasures…
And I am startled by the intense feelings of rebellion and anger. Of being anxious and unhappy. Of wanting to flee. And when I have the chance, I end up overindulging because I've starved that part of myself for so long.
I wonder how the experience of denial can be healthy and constructive. I wonder how to learn and become more self-aware in that kind of a cycle. And I wonder how I can grow in that kind of an environment.
I'm not sure denial is for me. I don't quite know where the balance is, between too much and too little. I suspect that the middle ground is a place where there is openness, patience, awareness and acceptance.
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