family and continuity

The only time that I have a powerful draw to have a child of my own is when I think of my father.

When I stop and think of my father getting older and his years winding down. When I think of him reflecting on his life, preparing himself for his passing, wondering what kind of legacy he's going to leave behind, what kind of footprint he's made on this world - I have a deep feeling that I want to have my own child.

That, in some way, I want to be able to demonstrate to him that he does have a legacy, that he did have an influence in his lifetime, that he gave me a great gift by being a force in my life, and that it's something I have not taken for granted. It's something I deeply acknowledge - in the same way that I throw my face into the wind and inhale - because I know that air is required to live.

I suspect that I will have a family of my own in my lifetime, but I don't know what it will look like. What shape it will take. Who it will be composed of. I don't think that it matters to me what my family will be. I simply know that I will have one. A patchwork quilt of people that will help to keep me warm and feeling loved. And with whom I can share myself.

I think that is something I want to share with my dad. That, while it may not be a nuclear family, while it may not be something that he is familiar with, I will have one. And in that simple way, I will continue a tradition that means so much to him. In my own way.