I had the privilege a few weekends ago to care for a little person for an entire weekend. She is an amazing girl - energetic, determined and affectionate. She's happy and well-adjusted and a lot of fun.
I had been asking do this for a long while (and wanting to do it). I love being around little people. I feel good around them! They energize me and fill me with happiness. I love interacting with them. I understand them. I like them. And so, I thought I was more than ready for this.
It was an experience I will not forget! It was beautiful, powerful and exhausting and, surprisingly enough, it generated a huge number of emotional responses in me.
I even cried a few tears during the weekend - both from profound feelings of love and yearnings and from many of my biggest fears coming to the surface. I've finally had a few minutes to reflect on my feelings and try and capture them in words.
I had been asking do this for a long while (and wanting to do it). I love being around little people. I feel good around them! They energize me and fill me with happiness. I love interacting with them. I understand them. I like them. And so, I thought I was more than ready for this.
It was an experience I will not forget! It was beautiful, powerful and exhausting and, surprisingly enough, it generated a huge number of emotional responses in me.
I even cried a few tears during the weekend - both from profound feelings of love and yearnings and from many of my biggest fears coming to the surface. I've finally had a few minutes to reflect on my feelings and try and capture them in words.
- the heady intoxication of a brilliant kind of love and attention; mesmerizing and all consuming. I *get* why people fall in love with their children.
- watching a face light up at seeing you come into a room.
- hearing belly laughs and giggles. It makes it so easy to smile and remember how good life is.
- the fun of playing and laughing and enjoying the moment. What a high!
- experiencing the pure pleasure that results from watching a little person feel proud at something they learned how to do.
- feeling like you are an important person, that you are loved and cherished.
- feeling the freedom to love them back intensely, especially in a society that doesn't generally accept or understand that kind of love.
- the awesome weight of responsibility; the black hole of absorption. How do parents ever leave the house?
- fatigue. The sheer exhaustion of being around an energetic, rambunctious, happy almost-two-year old!
- the lack of interest in my own self. I didn't care what I ate (or didn't), what I looked like, whether I had showered. I couldn't even think about shagging!
- the emotional distress that I experienced at seeing a meltdown. I had a strong desire to want to make her happy - at whatever cost.
I am, however, fascinated by the feelings that I experienced. That was a lot packed into a short period of time! It made me realize all the intensity that a parent must feel around their little people. The incredible highs and the challenging lows. And that beautiful balance of somehow navigating it all on a daily basis. Wow.
1 comment:
This is why I drink a lot ;-)
Seriously though, the entire experience was a shock to me. Still is on a daily basis.
I didn't expect it to be so hard. Yet, I didn't expect it to be so easy. Odd eh? I also didn't know the love would come so easily, or so fully.
The part about the lack of interest in your own self is liberating to me. I don't know if it is lack of time and energy, but I don't stress nearly as much about "me". Or about the idea of what "I" should be, look like, do, think, feel. She helps with perspective. And on an even more positive note, that absorption in her hasn't taken away from my focus on the Jennie things that deserve focus. She just makes me want to be a better person.
Some days I crash and burn. Some days I just get by. Some days I soar.
Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to get away without us having to worry about her well-being. Now she clearly know "aunt Yeesa!"
Post a Comment