The Girl Effect

I have to share this with you all. It's powerful. It's important. It's about us. It's about our future.

You need to watch this.

http://girleffect.org

Weekend Mornings

It's a quiet Saturday morning in the house. My sister, visiting from Portland and sans her 1 year old son, is fast asleep (soaking up some leisure time for herself). J&E have run off to do errands and have some fun. I am sitting on the pod, in the sunshine, sipping a Bridgehead, and studying for my exam. I've got a cuddling cat beside me, a fleece blanket warming my toes, and I'm quietly contemplating how beautiful life is and how very lucky I am.

Hope all of you can enjoy a quiet, peaceful morning. In whatever way that makes you smile.

the drudgery of learning

why does learning and studying take so much effort?
why does it feel like work? like obligation? like weight?

why do I manage to find a million other ways to procrastinate - like painting my toes, sending gifts to my friends and family around the world, vaccuming up cat hair, scrubbing the tub, plucking eyebrow hairs...

I always believed that school could be like drinking a tall glass of water, a beaded, deliciously cool glass of water, that glides down your throat in great gulps, seeming to coat your thirst like a velvet cloak, making you sigh in satisfaction.

But I found school to be fraught with anxiety and nervousness. More heat and agitation than calm and tranquil. More painful slogging than simple absorption and satiety.

Maybe I fight it too hard? Perhaps I should just ease into this journey of being a student of life.
Relax and let go. Enjoy the bumpy ride. Immerse myself in appreciating the newness of learning and the stimulation of the unknown.

Or maybe I should just study for my final exam! ; )

Free Will Horoscope

Here's my Free Will horoscope for this week.

Quite profound and beautifully written, I might say. It makes you look differently on a little creature like the ant.

Your power symbol for the week is an ant carrying a potato chip. It means you'll possess so much strength that you'll be able to hold aloft burdens that are much bigger than you. More than that, Aries. You'll look graceful doing it. And here's the kicker. That giant load you carry may ultimately provide nourishment not only for you but also for everyone back at the nest.

the wild

I saw a beautiful film last night, Into the Wild.

Adapted from the book by Jon Krakauer, the film was done by Sean Penn (screenplay written and film directed by him).

It was an exquisite view of the natural world - of the wild - of that raw and untouched landscape that we often don't explore. A story of this young man who wants to give his material belongings up to go live in the wild. To be free.

While I was watching the film, I realized that I have a deep longing to be able to act as courageously as Chris McCandless - to forgo all the traps that we have set up for ourselves in our lives - all the material things which we attach ourselves to - and live a life that is true and honest and one that requires me to be self-sufficient. Relying on no one else but myself.

Here's a quote that Chris wrote:
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

Could I do that?

A few years ago, I walked away from everything that I knew. Everything that I was familiar with. Everything that I had built up over the years. I walked away because, like Chris, I was deeply unhappy. I felt that I had no control over my own life. I felt like I had no choices available to me. I was not free.

And I walked into the wild of being alone, for the first time in my life. I walked into the wild of learning to be on my own, to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, free. I learned what I wanted for myself, what I was willing to accept, and what I was not willing to do.

It's a few years later now, and I've settled into a happy groove. I like myself. I like my life. And I live day to day, seeking out the adventures and the possibilities that can occur when you are open to living, when you are receptive to opportunities, when you embrace the moment.

And there are times, when I watch a movie like the one last night, that I have an urge to give my belongings away, donate my RRSPs/savings to charity, and with nothing more than a backpack on my back and a smile on my face, take that step into the unknown. That road less traveled. And see where it takes me.

Life, as I would like it

I really enjoyed reading this inspiration peak quotation. I like the easiness and freedom that it implies. I like the way that it recognizes how rich an interaction like this one can be.. if you are open to it.

"I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful."

Frederick E. Perl

simple reminders...

from the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

saying goodbye

It's therapeutic and cathartic for me to write. So write I will.
I apologize, in advance, for the heavy subject matter.
And if you decide to stay, thank you for listening.

April 18, 2008
It was time for Kona. Her body was breaking down, she was a shell of the dog I've known, skeletal and bony, and feeble.

It felt like the right time - when she was in a place where she could still recognize us and respond and could still be spunky and spirited. When she still had her faculties and her senses about her. But oh, how it hurt, nonetheless. How we still questioned whether it was right. Whether we had the right to make such a decision. Whether we should wait. Whether we should simply let nature take its course.

We fed her peanut butter cookies, when the sedative went in. Dr. Young, a beautiful and compassionate vet, had warned us that sometimes animals react strongly to the sedative - because of it's potency and because of the sheer quantity that they give. Kona didn't even acknowledge that she had a needle - so intent was she on her treats. She gorged herself! Her eyes were bulging with excitement. Her ears were perked forward. She simply could not believe that she was being given so many treats. Never had she been allowed to have so many cookies at any one time. Oh man, this was good, she told us. Give me more! Her excitement was palpable.

After many cookies, she started licking her lips, soaking in the head rubs and caresses and the gentle strokes on her paws and her back end. Her ears relaxed, and for a bit, she seemed mellow and just plain content. Belly full. Love being given. Life was good.

When the sedative kicked in, she had, what the vet described as, a hallucinogenic reaction. Her ears went into an alert position and her eyes shifted from side to side, back and forth. It was like she was hunting down a fly or a wasp, and was intent on following it and getting it. Watching, shifting, slightly tense. Only her face seemed to be animated and alert , the rest of her started to soften and sink into a very deep, and relaxed state.

Mike lowered her head onto a pillow and nestled her in his lap. He caressed her face. Stroked her muzzle. Played with her soft ears, and talked to her - about the fun places she'd be able to explore, the adventures she'd have, where she didn't have to worry about her body giving out on her. Where she could romp and run and swim to her heart's content. Where she could play and frolic. He talked to her about how much he loved her and how much a part of him she was.

She stayed in his lap. I played with her big paws, my fingers seeking out the tufts of hair that grew between the pads. Telling her I loved her, that she was a good girl, that everything was OK. And we sobbed while the final injection was administered. Her body was so warm, her fur so soft and silky, and her face so alive. Content and animated.

I haven't cried so hard in a long while. I cried for this beautiful animal, this animal child of mine, who came into my life by chance, and who gave me so much free and open love. Love without reservation. Love of a scale that moves me to tears when I allow myself to experience it. Love in the depths of those chocolate brown eyes that stared at me, unafraid, openly, intensely. As if to say, "There you are." Without holding back.

I cried for that time of my life , the 13 years, that I spent with her. The memories, adventures, changes that she simply took in stride, in her easy-going, adaptable, happy-go-lucky spirit. As long as we were there with her, she was content. And so accommodating.

I cried for losing something and letting go of something that loved ME so much. It's not often in one's lifetime that you can be the recipient of such an intense love affair. It makes you feel awfully small and insignificant to walk away from that. To know that you may never know that kind of attention and profound simplicity of an uncomplicated love. In it's most raw and open form.

I cried for Mike's loss. For him finally being on his own - and having to experience coming home to any empty house. For the loss of his anchor and his friend. Kona kept him so grounded and made him feel that he had a family.

And I cried because I was closing this final chapter of my relationship with Mike. After so long, the umbilical cord is cut. It's possible that I may never see him again.

She was so still when she was gone, and yet she looked so much like herself. I walked to the bathroom at one point, and when I came back, I just expected her to rise up. To pant. To look me in the eyes and paw me, as if to say, "OK, now what?"

The worst was watching Mike carry her to the van. Her body was so limp, and it hit me hard that she was really gone. We covered her in a blanket, chuckling feebly at her tongue that was slightly pointing out. The tongue that we used to grab when she panted, tugging, trying to get her to play. We hugged and cried. And that was it.

Mike gave me a picture before I left - of me stroking Kona's head. the week before her death. She looks skinny and her muzzle is white, but it's the same face and body that I've known through the years. Funny how things can change so significantly and yet seem like they haven't changed at all. It felt as if it couldn't possibly be real that she was gone. And yet she is. As the Indigo Girls said "And if it was ever there, and it left, does that mean it was never true?"

I don't think so.

Goodbye, Kona

Dear Kona,

thank you for being such a gentle bear. You were such a big dog, with such a big head and neck and powerful set of jaws, but you'd cower at the site of a wee little kitten.

thank you for the way you'd smile when you saw me. You really and truly knew how to smile.

thank you for the way you'd plop onto me, in bed. You'd nestle in with a deep, contented sigh, and half your 100 lb body, all elbows and ribs, digging into me.

thank you for the way you'd lean your head into me, pushing me off balance, just to get my attention. "I'm here!" And then your paw would hook my arm. "You may think you are leaving, but I'm not done yet."

thank you for long walks we used to take at night. You made me feel so safe and your company was so enjoyed when I walked and talked and sorted things out in my head.

thank you for the way that you reacted to sand. You'd flip out! You'd get your feet on a beach and burst out with this crazy dog dance that you'd do; whipping around in a frenzy with your legs splayed out and this look of sheer delight on your face.

thank you for catching snowballs and plowing head first into snow drifts; your legs digging furiously to make deep caverns in the snow banks. You made winter and early morning walks in the crisp frigid air so much fun.

thank you the way you loved to swim. You would spend hours and hours just floating and drifting, and would often go in and swim on your own, whenever you felt like it.

thank you for the way you'd chew on tennis balls as if they were pieces of bubble gum. The top of your "cone head", those powerful, massive jaw muscles, would flex and contract as you happily chewed away.

thank you for being such a shredder. We never had to worry about you eating anything, you simply loved to shred it - sticks, paper bags, balls, stuffed animals, whatever it was. And if you ever did sneak some food in your mouth that you weren't supposed to eat, you'd look at us with those big melted chocolate brown eyes and wait for us to notice. One little "Kona, release" and out it would pop... and you'd watch it fall to the ground with a big sigh and a look of longing.

thank you for being so stoic when you had two knee surgeries. The only dog I've ever known to have both her knees operated on. We used to laugh that she had more athletic war wounds than any one else we knew.

thank you for the funny way you'd run - slightly sideways, to accommodate your bow legs and pigeon toes. You were never graceful, but you had so much fun; chasing after squirrels or playing hide and seek with us.

thank you for enjoying the road trips and the bike races and the traveling around as much as we did. You were always game when we packed up the car, and you'd start your anticipatory panting, and be so happy when we invited you to crawl into a t-shirt (to cut down on hair!), climb on top of the layers of blankets (to cut down on hair!) in the back seat. Off we'd go. We took you everywhere. People would always remark, "She's so good!". You never caused problems or got into mischief.You seemed to be so happy as long as you were with your "pack."

Thank you for all these gifts that you gave me so freely and so generously.
I'll miss you so much.
Love, me.

it seems

the movement of the belt startles me
reminds me to punch in my personal data and start taking steps

i'm pushing keys, watching the numbers climb.
year after year. i enter this information.
year after year, the numbers increase
i'm moving up, it seems.

but really, i'm just getting older. i'm just getting softer.

the repetitive motion seems familiar.
i've been here before.
pounding on this treadmill. punishing my body. pushing myself. sweating.
going nowhere, it seems.

i think about the yearning that is still so ripe in my body.
so new and fresh, it's like a wound; raw and weeping.
this wanting. this desire.
a hunger that drives me to push, do more, try harder, be more...
i've been running like this for years, it seems.

i think about how little i have to show for the years on my face and the wrinkles on my skin.
how the numbers get bigger, and how much smaller i feel.
how far i still have to go, it seems.

how much i hurt at times, when i feel like the world is such a big place.
and i am scrambling to find my place in it. my purpose. my calling.
times like this when things seem insurmountable and lonely and ugly,
my longing is pronounced.

i stumble and misstep. grab the railings to avoid falling.
i've been catching myself, like this, for years, it seems.

~april 10, 2008

talk to the hand

Shirley and I got our palms read on Friday night. I've had it done a few times now - at different. critical stages of my life - all occurring in the last 6 years - and all read by Jolyn at Second Cup. Thanks Jolyn.

It was cool to hear similar themes across the palm reading - and hear that some things had changed or lessened or shifted focus. I was a very different person in 2002 than I was in 2005 and as I am in 2008. I just noticed that each of these readings were 3 years apart. June, February, and April. (6-2-4) Again a common thread?

I think I'll capture the reading that is most recent, as I guess it's most me. Then we'll go back in time...

April 4, 2008
Right hand: Actions
Need excitement, change, variety
I am very interested in Business.
Jolyn saw papers (writing? administration?) everywhere
Independent
Very practical
Strong communication skills
Intuitive

This year is an 8 year - a year for finances.
The focus is on $$, she couldn't tell whether that would be good or bad.

At age 37/38 - I would TRAVEL! Travel lots and for a long time. Travel, travel, travel. (YAY!)

Key work years: 35, 31, 45, 55, and I'd likely retired in my late 60s (oh yay)

Left Hand/Subconscious/Life Path
Giving.
Perfectionist.
Adaptable.
Good energy.

She mentioned that I should check my thyroid later on in life.

Overload years: 30 (yes), 33 (YES!), 35 (meh), 37, 39, 40, 45

Relationships: Big years 35-37 (I must make some kind of decision. Big emotional years for me)

She sees 2 kids in my life, sort of.
She sees 2 loves, but only 1 is real

Mondays are the new Fridays

Apparently Mondays are the new Fridays.

They are the days that you can ease into your work week, take stock of the week ahead, quietly amass your to-do lists. I find that people tentatively book meetings on Mondays, usually with comments like "Is this a good time? Do you want to wait until Tuesday or later in the week?"

This is the day that you can come into work at your own pace, and feel relaxed, like taking a deep breath before you plunge into the deep end of a pool, and have an underwater race that lasts until you feel like your lungs are going to explode.

I am writing this post on a Friday. The day, for some reason, feels heavy. Expectant. I suppose it's partly that I am sleepy. My mind feels foggy. It doesn't feel like a Friday. It feels like I'll be trying to pack a week into my eight hours. I am sitting here waiting - anticipating the frantic busyness and panic that will begin to build in an hour. I'll hear the phones start ringing, the blackberries start buzzing, and voices start to rise. I'll feel the intensity and electricity... increasing in volume and tight with adrenalin and impatience. I'll feel it build and compound; until it bursts into a crescendo, and like a tidal wave, cascades across the desks and cubicles and hallways of the office.

I'll feel my heart pounding, and I'll feel the sweat on my body. My fingers will fly across the keyboard - and with my mouse, I'll become the model of efficiency - clicking and closing, navigating across the three screens on my desk. Reading, copying, typing, correcting, responding to emails, to queries, to demands, to requests.

Before I know it, it'll be 5pm, and I'll be exhausted, dehydrated, and so ready for the weekend. Ready to soak up the sunshine and play.

OK OK, it's a quiet day. But you never know what might happen.... ; )

peace and power

In the middle of Rock Band, perfecting our respective musical talents, at 8:02pm, we shut off the power for our own Earth Hour celebration. We turned off all the lights in the house, all the appliances, all the computers. We lit some candles and hopped naked and deliciously into bed; with our books and our smiles.

I felt peace settle on the house. I felt the stillness and the lack of noise. In the flickering candlelight, it seemed like the world was comfortable and easy.

In this calm place, I decided it was a good time to start my new Tolle book. A good time, when my own Ego was quiet(er) to read about attachment and identification and the suffering that we have when our Egos control our lives. A good time to meditate. To listen to my breathing. To reflect on my own Ego, the power that it has over me, and how it drives me to think, feel, respond, and react to the world.

Then I picked up my other book, Shantaram, and was assaulted with this statement. More about power, or the lack thereof. And this time, how people often compensate for that lack of power.

Gregory David Roberts wrote "I'd heard that laugh before, in another prison across the world. I knew it well. Cruelty is a kind of cowardice. Cruel laughter is the way cowards cry when they are not alone, and causing pain is how they grieve."

Finally, when I closed my books, and lay back on my pillow, feeling sedated and heavy with drowsiness, and light of spirit, I remembered reading another quotation earlier in the day. How we can make choices: to turn the lights off, to walk away, to listen to our Egos, to be aware of how we ARE, to feel anger, to hurt, to heal, to laugh, to play, to open our arms... And how those choices, in turn, create the journey we have in front of us.
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." ~Carlos Castenada, 1925-1998

Here's a toast to peace and to power. The path that each of them make take. And the choices we each make to find the right path for ourselves.

sunset

I had a dream last night with the most vivid sunset. It was huge, spread across the sky, in deep pinks and purples. I remember that I kept trying to peek around a building or a telephone pole, to actually see the sun. Because I wanted to know what color that orb would be to pain the sky like that. I couldn't get a view of it. I just saw the sky explode in this breathtaking color show. I remember being still and just watching the sky.

It's amazing what comes from my dreams. Just amazing. I often awake wondering where the vividness comes from. Where the colors and textures and scenarios stem from. It's no wonder that I have no retention for movie lines or song lyrics, or random tidbits of trivia. Good portions of my brain space are taken up by my dreams.

I looked up some of the symbolism in the Dream Moods Dictionary, and here's what I found:

Sunset
To see the sunset in your dream, indicates the end of a cycle or condition. It is a period of rest, renewal, and evaluation.

Purple
Purple is indicative of devotion, healing abilities, loving, kindness, and compassion. It is also the color of royalty, high rank, and dignity.

Pink
Pink represents love, joy, sweetness, happiness, affection, kindness. Being in love or healing through love is also implied with this color.

Hmmmm...

Happy Friday!

battle weary

I've been wanting to blog for a few days now, and I can't seem to think of something clever or powerful to describe. I've made a point of paying attention to things, to find the nuggets of an interesting story or amusing anecdote, to capture something in prose.

I haven't found any stories or scenarios, but being aware has made me realize that I am very cranky these days. I am impatient when I drive. I am quick to honk, to give someone the "Ah, give me a break, buddy" full hand gesture. I find I am anticipating that people are going to be rude and obnoxious. I catch myself muttering obscenities under my breath, interspersed with "Fuck You!" exclamations. I am edgy and uptight.

I've noticed this at work and home. My brows are furrowed, my body is tense. The angry switch got flipped on more times in the last week, than in the last year put together. I hear myself sigh deeply in annoyance.

What is going on?

I can't figure out where this frazzled me is coming from. I can't figure out why. Quite frankly, I don't like it. I don't feel generous, I don't feel free. I feel like my heart is squeezed into a tight little ball of bitterness. Like I'm a refugee from a battle of some magnitude, and I'm awash with righteous justification and indignation. My fuse is quick to ignite.

But I've not been in any battles.

I'm sleeping well. I'm eating very healthily. I feel refreshed in the mornings. I am exercising (sometimes). I start every day feeling open and generous. I go to bed at night with "Awaken the Buddha Within" and reflect on life. Work is going well. My sex life is great. I have time to read. I sleep peacefully.

Admittedly, my dreams have been very angry too. In them, I am consistently petulant and pouty. I am emotionally immature. I cause scenes. I get angry. I rage. I cry.

Why?

It's clear to me that I am trying to resolve something. In some deep recess of my subconscious, someone is pounding on a door, desperately trying to get it open. But I don't have that combination. I don't even know where to begin to look for a locksmith.

I've got a road trip ahead of me this weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes up while I ponder the wide stretch of asphalt and sip coffee. While I hear the tires underneath me, and feel the sunshine on my face. I think there's an opportunity for me to pay attention to this noise and see what all the fuss is about. Let the road soothe the savage beast.

Assuming, I don't get into any fights along the way....

posting from the slopes

It's raining here, in Killington, Vermont. The fluffy flakes of snow that fell on Sunday night have morphed into a slushy, icy sludge. Today is not the day that I want to don my snowboarding gitch and head out on the slopes. It's wet and overcast. This afternoon, I'm content to curl up indoors, complete with a glass of red wine, and a few minutes in solitaire and peace... putting pen to paper, metaphorically, I want to try and capture the magic of the birthday surprise from last night.

"We arrived at 47 Lewis Rd. around 6:30pm. The lights in the house were on, and we could smell the sharp sting of a burning wood fire in the damp, thick air. We rang the doorbell; standing on the step with gift in hand. Heard the thundering of footfalls pounding over to the front door, while the rain drops beat a rhythm on the front handrail. A face peeked out from the rectangular window slice. A furrowed brow, beneath a bright pink and white striped beanie, took the three strangers in. All at once, a smile broke out, and the door opened. "Auntie Lisa? What are you doing here?" Then a quick retreat back into the door to yell out "Whitney!!!"

Whitney, foot thumping alerting us to her arrival, is breathless at the door. "Why are you here?"

"We heard there was a birthday girl.... Happy Birthday Whitney!", we yell and break into the birthday song. A half smile and look of delight on her face, Whitney announces, "Well, you can come inside!"

Inside we go...into the heated room, into the giggles and hugs of the girls. Into the astonished exclamations of "I had no idea you were coming! Did Mommy know? Why didn't anyone tell me?" The tugs on the arm to show us the latest story, article of clothing, silly joke. The pokes and prods and kisses of delight. The laughter.

Into the kitchen, easing into the chaotic flow of a regular evening with a busy family, finding our bearings with the mashing of the potatoes, the pouring of the red wine, the setting of the table. Getting our groove amongst the requests flying through the air "Girls, let's set the table. Aly, help Mommy with the potatoes."

Quick snatches of conversation, questions and comments layered with the jokes and the silliness and the excited hum of a change in the evening's plans. A sudden upheaval. Christmas in March.

And we closed the door against the rain and the windy, winter weather, and embraced the warmth within."

Mindfulness...

A friend sent this to me. She said she found it in her inbox, in an email from me, something that I saw on a poster in a doctor's office. Wow, did it jar me. I think I needed to be reminded about how to make the most of my life and the moments that I am given RIGHT NOW. How to seize the situation, be present, aware, live life to the fullest, and soak up as much as I am capable of.

"Whoever is present, are the right people.
Whenever it begins, is the right time.
Whatever happens, is the only thing that could have happened.
When it's over, it's over."

Thank you, for the reminder.

confidence...

I don't actually think you get more confident as you get older...

... it's just wishful thinking

and breathing...

After spending some good quality time with friends, going for a run (a beautiful way of setting my equilibrium), reading and recharging, and playing, I am feel much more grounded. I think by being present - making sure that the I am present for each experience that I am involved in, gives me such a healthy perspective. It stops my monkey mind from taking off to the future (which has not happened and does not exist yet) or dwelling in the past; holding on to something which no longer is. Being now gives me a chance to let go. I don't have to be anything than what I am right now. What I feel. What I want. The rest just unfolds, the same way my breath pours from my body. Naturally. Instinctively. One at a time... as deeply or as shallow as I choose to take it.

Space

There's no space for me
When you burst into the room
Eclipsing my self with your tempest and fire.

There's no space for me
Amidst your dreams and passions and tears;
Your grandiose gestures;
Your eloquence and intelligence.

I feel small in your presence
Unsure and timid.
Lost and tentative.

The noise is deafening, at times.
And my world starts to tunnel
Strangling my energy;
Suffocating the breathing room that I have left.

I know this is my challenge -
that the universe brings us what we need to learn from;
what we need to grow from;
opportunities to regain our footing
and tear down the old walls that formed in our psyches.

But this one is hard for me.
Finding my voice....
that seems so hollow and broken;
carried away on the wind that rushes forth from you
pummeling my diaphragm
until I can do no more than croak.

Muted, I blink, and retreat. To lick my wounds.
To recover some of my spirit. Some of my joy.
I'm losing my joy.

There will be another time
and another place for me
to assert myself.
To create an emotional sanctuary for my own being -
A place that can exist comfortably in your presence and in your essence.
Easily. Honestly.

But it's not tonight. And I shut the door
with a welcome sigh at the silence.

-- lml Feb 11, 2008

no problem...

This is what enlightenment is all about - a deep understanding that there is no problem. Then, with no problem to solve, what will you do? Immediately you start living. You will eat, you will sleep, you will love, you will work, you will have a chit-chat, you will sing, you will dance - what else is there to do?

~ Osho

words to inspire me before heading out on a road trip...

"If you just look at all that already exists in your life, all that you already have: unlimited air to breathe, ample lighting to see, music to hear, books to read, stars to dream by, trees to gaze at, floors to dance on, friends to cavort with, enemies to befriend, strangers to meet, woods to walk through, beaches to comb, rocks to scale, rains to cleanse you, rivers to float you, animals to comfort you; you do have to admit, there's more of it than you could ever, ever, ever spend.

But try anyway."

~ Mike Dooley

happiness

"If you observe a really happy man, you will find him building a boat,

writing a symphony, educating his child, growing double dahlias or

looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi Desert. He will not be searching

for happiness as if it were a collar button that had rolled under the

radiator, striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware

that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours

of each day."

W. Beran Wolfe, 1900-1935

Author and Psychiatrist

New!

I love all things new. I am an Aries, and I think, naturally, that I am predisposed to liking new starts, new opportunities, new seasons, new changes...

... my senses are heightened and delighted when I can crack open the spine of a brand new book and gulp the pages down voraciously;

... when I can stamp my footprints into deep, unblemished powder snow;

...when I used to go shopping for school supplies which signaled the start of a brand new year;

... when I get handed a fresh work project to sink my teeth into;

... when I tear off a clean sheet of paper to draw on;

And so, with the ushering in of a brand new year, 2008, I approach the newness with excitement, with a huge grin on my face, and a deep inhalation of breath. This is FUN! I have no idea where this year will take me. I can hardly remember what path 2007 led me on - but I know that I have a new slate, a new chance to make friends, to explore and discover, to travel, to laugh often and deeply, to love, to dance, to celebrate, to play, to giggle, to BE, to work hard, to work little, to read, to dream, to shag a lot, to get fit, to indulge, to create, to hug, to cry, to get angry, to dare, to immerse myself in beauty, to escape, to wander, to question, to open myself wider and experience the world more deeply.

And I look forward to every minute of it!

Unexpected news on this Friday afternoon...

...it seems that Kona may be in remission!

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

I find it fascinating how changes in my life make their way into my psyche. How they ride the undercurrent of my emotions and my perspective. How they weave themselves into moments of poignancy and nostalgia, and how they manifest themselves in my dreams.

Little life changes, big moves, new paths to explore, things that impact me directly and immediately, and things that I know lie just beyond the horizon.. things that are coming.

A few things are changing right now. Today.
Sue left Ottawa and moved to a new job and a new city. A dear friend and soul sister of mine, growing and changing and challenging herself in a beautiful, positive way.
I started a new job last week in a totally different career, marketing. A personal leave of familiar faces and places and a jump in the deep, dark part of the lake with both feet - immediately busy, challenged, and working in a very dynamic and quiet work environment.

A few things are changes that I suspect are coming. Possibly big changes. Although definitely things that are not clearly unfolded out before me. Things that I am not sure exactly how they will impact me.
IBM is acquiring Cognos. How that is going to "end up" is way beyond my limited knowledge. Whether I'll have a job or not remains to be seen.
Kona, my doggie for the last 12 years, is dying. I've begun to mourn her already, which seems both natural and incredibly wrong at the same time. I find myself waiting for the call... waiting for that moment. And I get angry that I'm not in the present moment, just experiencing the fact that she is very much still alive and that her spirit is very much here.

There are other things too, that I'm contemplating.. things that I haven't articulated to my soul yet. Things that are in their infancy - cravings of travel and family and community and possible career changes... that I've only begun to be curious about. These, too, are scratching the surface of my painted self, peeling away some of the flakes that have formed in the corners and the dark crevasses of me. Priming me for something that has yet to hit me with full force, front and center.

And so, I've been dreaming rampantly lately. My dreams seem to center around Sue leaving.

In one dream, Sue is living with me and is up packing her belongings, figuratively and literally purging her "things", and making space for her new adventures. I am watching her do this, watching her lug boxes and bags to her car and I watch her drive away. So passive. So distant from her choices. I am also saying goodbye to other people who live in my house.
My house is this big sprawling, multi-floored house, with mazes of rooms and white walls, and banistered stairways that lead to nooks and crannies on each floor. I watch my house getting emptied, and I realize with a sudden pang, a sort of heavy wistfulness, that I need to find another roommate. That there is no way that I can stay here, remain here, fill this space, without someone else.

In another dream, I'm acting as the ringleader for Sue's move. I'm like a bonafide agent - making calls, making bookings, coordinating lists of logistics over telephones and computers. I'm sending emails, fielding responses, making travel arrangements and itineraries. I'm in the thick of the action. All the while, I know that she is leaving. And I find myself trying very hard to stay distracted.

And in other dream, I'm in a hotel room. It's empty of furniture and there is only a telephone on the floor. I am waiting for a call from Sue. For her to tell me that she's ready to meet. And I just sit on the floor, in a cross-legged position, in the dark, poised for that phone to ring.

Snow!!

Snow hit Ottawa this morning and the world has turned white and wintry.

I have to say that it's such a beautiful sight to see the city transformed into a wonderland.
You get a chance to see the trees and the landscape hugged by soft, fluffy snow.
It makes the world look different, and beautiful in its difference.

must be the full moon....

it's in that moment
in the near darkness
the room lit by a solitary candle
that flickers and sways in the night air
caressing the lines of my body
like a lover's tongue
tasting my skin and lingering in places
nestled deep in my scent
when the goddess emerges

... she calls to me
and I can't help but laugh
my head thrown back
a deep, throaty laugh erupts
that stirs my senses
and I celebrate her awakening

-- lml October 30, 2007

little steps...

I've been reflecting on my last post and my feelings and all that wondering.

There is a Chinese proverb that says "Be not afraid of moving slowly; be afraid only of standing still."

I think that I've forgotten lately, that even though I'm not taking HUGE, grandiose, explosive, exciting, adrenaline-charged, crazy, intoxicating leaps and bounds, the kind of cliff hangers that I've taken over and over again in the last few years (a divorce, dramatic weight loss, my very first apartment, a new friend with benefits, new job roles, many new living arrangements, moves, travels, new friends, and so on...), I am still moving.

Little tiny steps perhaps. But forward, nonetheless.

And knowing this, perhaps I can relax into the moment, into the NOW, and enjoy it fully.

the train is at the station...

I've been crying a lot lately - sad songs, silly movies, funny little
interactions with people - leave tears coursing down my cheeks.
...for no apparent reason.

It leaves me feeling troubled.

Like I'm grieving for something that isn't even in my consciousness.

Like I'm turned around and disoriented, and I don't even know that I was supposed to be heading in a certain direction.

Like my soul is waiting.
My bags are packed and I've got my passport ready to go.
But I don't have the ticket yet or know where I'm going.

I find that I'm not fond of this state.
Of feeling a storm coming when the air is calm and the sky is blue.
Of seeing my fragility so close to the surface, wearing thin in places, exposed to the elements.

I find myself getting flustered at my inability to articulate simple thoughts.
I find myself getting impatient at little things that used to make me smile.
I find I argue with myself, out loud sometimes, over how I want to be instead of how I am.
I find the easiness with which I felt light and laughter and NOW is heavier. It takes longer to get there. And it leaves me more swiftly.

I wonder if I am being over dramatic.
If I am catering to my emotional state and allowing it to take over.

I wonder if I am simply fighting these feelings, and by forcing them down, making them even stronger and more present.

I wonder if I'll find some of these answers in the words I write and the feelings that spring from me like a fountain.

I wonder.

human-ity

When I look around me
at the all the people
in a room
on a bus
in a hallway

I remember what it is.

That humanness. That shared experience.

We do all share the same qualities of whatever it is that makes us alive.

That essence. the je ne sais quois...

We all feel bonds of affection and love; of togetherness;
that come in the shape and form of our spirits and our souls and our bones and our skin.

We all have the same blood, that courses in our veins;
that makes us blush;
the same tears, that make us cry;
the same voices, that sing and scream and laugh;
the same bodies, that dance and hold and touch and explore.

We know each other in the way that we seek each other out.
We know each other by our smiles, by our joy, by our struggles, by our pain.

In the way that a smile can bring so much out in a person; how it can soften them.
And how, within that loosening and easing, our attention is captured...

...and we are reminded that they could be our friend, our mother, our brother.

-- lml Oct 12, 2007

memories that surfaced after a weekend with my youngest sister and a lot of red wine

• I'd ski in front of Gina, with my head between my legs, looking back at her, falling and crashing into things, just so that I could hear her laugh. I loved to make her laugh.

• I had many many posters on my wall when I was about 11 or 12. Some of the Outsiders, the movie that was made after the incredible book by s.e. hinton. The movie that launched the careers of many of the huge stars of today's era, but most of my posters were of of Michael Jackson. I wrote him a letter once. I was convinced that he would want to be friends or even pen pals with me. That he would write me back. "Because we were both 5' 7" with brown eyes and brown curly hair." Naturally....

• I used to try out for every single play that was ever held at my high school. I wanted to act so badly. It used to eat me up when I'd audition and wait, breathlessly, for days, until the list was posted. I was always tall, so I would wait at the back while everyone checked for their names and laughed and hugged and smiled. I would wait, pretending to be patient, congratulating everyone who got a part to share in a little of the experience. I'd wait to be in front of that single piece of paper with the dot matrix printout of names. And I'd run my finger down that list of names, the names of people who made the production, and not see mine. I'd go over the list, one name at a time, multiple times, over and over, just to make sure, just in case I missed it in the rush, in the excitement.
  
  And each time, I'd feel that familiar knot start in my stomach. I'd feel my face start to get warm, feel the blood rush in embarrassment, feel my armpits sweat, feel so small, to think that I would have actually thought I had a chance.
  
  You see, I believed that I had this untapped potential in me. I felt that I just needed someone to discover me. I needed someone to take me away from the life I was living. To show me what was so obvious to them, to show me what I had inside. I just needed one person to spend a little bit of time with me, and they WOULD KNOW! My rough edges would be smoothed out, and I would be a star! I knew I had this star quality inside me, I just needed a little help to let it out.
  

• I used to read books voraciously. I remember borrowing books from my parents library upstairs, and from my sisters who would come home from university on break. I can skim books quickly, and it wouldn't take me long to find the really juicy passages of a book. I looked for sex, for any mention of relationships, of what transpired between people. What happened behind closed doors. I loved anything that was risqué and I read content that was far advanced for my age.
  

I had a very rich and vivid fantasy life. : )

A little Shel.... reminders from a friend : )

Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me...
Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.

~ Shel Silverstein

art-ing : )

I think I really did *finally* rest this weekend because I had cravings to be creative - something I've ignored/ not felt/ haven't desired/ haven't explored in a good, long while.

I drew for hours, without coming up for air.
(I'm taking DIY lessons again... starting with the basics - how to draw a line, perspective, shadowing, and my favorite, squirkling.)

I also craved my guitar. My poor neglected Dharma who greets me at the door, every time I come in or leave the house. Who needs one hell of a tuning, I imagine. And who wants some blues riffs to take the rust off her strings and give me some killer calluses.

I also journaled a little - taking some time to write my own version of morning pages. Mine tend to me late evening, as I'm under my bed covers, feeling the cool, crisp breeze brushing my skin, and reflecting on the day, my emotions, and life events.

I wonder if it's perhaps related to the changing of the seasons... the cooling of the air, the yearning to hunker down, bury myself in books and music and art, shut down for awhile...

...like a dog that noses the blankets and turns three circles before lying down with a contented sigh, I think Fall makes me nest.

ahhhhhhhhh, Friday! : )

My horoscope for today... Nice!

September 7, 2007

You may be feeling a bit more sluggish than usual today, Lisa. Your warrior instinct would rather just stay home on the couch than get up and fight. This is fine. More than likely, you may simply need a break from your quest towards world domination. Remember that a good leader also takes the time to sit back and reflect on recent events so that he or she can make better plans for the future.

uplifting reminder...

I received some lovely words from a very good friend. They made me cry and they definitely helped me to put things into perspective. THANK YOU! : )

Fatigue can do many things including making us feel old and spent when really we're not. When really we're vibrant, beautiful and ambitious, yearning for the excitement and challenge that feeds our soul. When really all we might need is a few good nights' sleep, nutritious food to replenish our bodies (preferably prepared for us by someone else!) and walks along the Canal. When really we could use unscheduled, free time to explore possibilities, be, and dream up our next adventures. Yup ... fatigue will curb that in a flash!

now I know why...

...I was asking so many questions!

From my horoscope for the month of August:

Lunar Eclipse occurs on August 28th in the early degrees of Pisces. The "crisis" that eclipses such as this one tend to elicit is a crisis of lack--a time when we suddenly realize a great need or want. This eclipse can trigger awareness of need in an area of our lives, such as our relationship to work, to our health and bodies, and so forth. This is a time when matters come to light--things that have been brewing under the surface.

With the Virgo-Pisces service axis involved, this Lunar Eclipse presses us to look more closely at our needs, lacks, and wants in our lives. We are pushed to find a balance between day-to-day functions and routines, physical health, and the need for order (Virgo) and vision, spiritual health, disorder, and the infinite (Pisces). Virgo rules the tools and techniques that we use to deal with day-to-day life, while Pisces rules the tools that we use to deal with our spiritual selves. Epiphanies are likely at this time as we become acutely aware of our lack.

This understanding can propel us into positive action. Full Moons and Lunar Eclipses bring issues in our lives to fulfillment. Our emotions are heightened, and there is often some sort of drama involved with the house, sign, and any contacted planets activated by the Full Moon. Occurring in your solar twelfth house, you may recognize an overwhelming need for rest and spiritual renewal. You've been busy with all sorts of everyday activities, deeply involved in your work and routines. It's time to balance your life with some down time--otherwise, you simply don't feel whole.

on the fringe

if I were a dancer, I would be gracefully perched on the edge...
dangling a toe, brushing the tip gently against the surface
elegantly calm; poised.
caressing life's tapestry;
leaving the smallest of indentations on the assortment of collected people and experiences and threads that make up my personal quilt

-- lml

The problem is that I am not a dancer. I am not graceful and elegant.
I feel so clunky. I feel like I fidget and fuss and can't settle.
I feel like I am this noisy, diesel-fueled, beater car that has dings and scuffs, and shakes when you drive it. The kind of car that people look at and say, "It must have been cute in it's prime..."

And that's the crux, right there. When is/was my prime?

I feel incredibly ancient today: I see youthfulness and vigor; an effortless easiness that crops up in conversations "Like, oh my god, I was so, like, pissed!" I see passionate strong, unique, independent, individuals carving out their paths. With energy and vitality and fun.

and I falter. I think I must be fortysomething?
...carrying around the age of my years. Years that feel lost (what have I done with my life?).
Like I am just starting out, carrying all this baggage with me.

And then, I feel incredibly young today: I see bodies breaking down; I see grey sprouting at the roots. I see life passing by; I see people forgetting how to smile and how to play; I see friends molding themselves into pods and families that don't have room for me; I see softness and frailty.

and I falter. I think I must be twentysomething?
... absorbing the vibrancy and energy that comes with asking questions and being curious and challenging the status quo. And wanting to play and laugh and dance.

I know that I am thirtysomething, but it doesn't fit me.
Or does it?

I find this tension in me to be exhausting. Wondering where my home is. Where I am. What to do.

I do know that the answers lie in the present, in being in the moment.
And I struggle to fit into the now.

I want to feel like I'm a part of the puzzle.

wacky dreams

I had some wacky dreams last night. Two dreams that seemed to take the whole night to tell the stories.

First one:

I was working part time at Laura Secord, at a store inside Cognos, and it was my first day. The person who was going to help me close was sick, and I told her to go home and rest. I asked another staff person all sorts of questions - how much was my float, where was the safe, how much do we charge for chocolate, where are all the gloves/tissue paper to take chocolate out of the displays, etc.

She was very nonchalant about everything and didn't give me any information, so I started looking for documentation to help me. I remember trying hard to read an email that outlined procedures/steps. I couldn't quite get what I needed, and right about then, a Cognoid came in and asked for a chocolate. When I charged him for it, he told me that he got it for free, he was a regular. I told him that it was my first day on the job and that I didn't feel comfortable giving away freebies. I told him he could have it, but that I would pay for it myself. He just shrugged and walked out with the truffle, and I remember counting out $1.14 from my purse.

My other dream was a total romantic love story:

There was the bum who lived on the streets and who fell in love with a woman who used to pass him by. One day he gave her a gift and it made her very uncomfortable. She treated him poorly, and he was so distraught, that he decided he had to leave the city.

A few days later, she opened the gift and saw that it was a hand-sewn wedding dress. It was absolutely stunning, and when she brought it to a famous dressmaker, the woman thought it was worth a fortune. The stitching was impeccable, and it was very glamorous. It was a ancient Greek style sheath dress, that had a wide silver stitched band right under the breasts, and was made of white and had piece that came up around the neck, like a halter. The dressmaker puzzled over how to put the dress on the woman, and the woman found a band of silver, and strung it through the top of the dress, and hung it around her neck. It fit perfectly.

The woman was so blown away by the gift, and she realized that the man had more substance than what she had previous thought, so she went out to find him.

She went to these used clothing stores that were near where she had met the man, and they were filled with hand sewn shirts and articles of clothing. The salesperson knew the man she was talking about, and told her that he regularly brought clothes in that he had made to be sold.

She searched everywhere in the city for him, and when she found him, he had dismantled the little shack he was living in, had given away all his clothing and belongings, all except for two suitcases, and he was leaving.

She rushed to him, hugged him, felt something so powerful and electric between them, but he just stroked her face, smiled, and wished her well. And left.

How's that for drama?

another one of those days...

I am pretty sure my scale is lying to me.

one of *those* days

today was the kind of day where you wake from your bed feeling worse than the groggy, sleepy-eyed, bleary monster that you were before you fell asleep.

...the kind of day where you head pounds for no explicable reason, your heart races, and you operate in a kind of fog. "Huh, look at me, I'm typing. What the heck am I typing anyway? Oopps...(backspace backspace backspace) ...OK. Close that window, and focus, already."

...where, at breakfast, you pull open all the cupboards in the kitchen, and hang the refrigerator door wide open, staring and blinking at all the food items that are stocked and stashed away. Sipping your coffee, waiting for the caffeine to kick start your circulation, and willing some miraculous home cooked meal to start waving at you from the very back of the cupboard. "Over here! Hey! This is what you feel like. And look, I'm already made! Psst! Hey!"

...and the idea of going for a walk outside, simply stepping foot out of the house for one minute and into the sunshine, "it's good for you! your body needs vitamin D" involves huge amounts of coercion and is literally like trying to pluck a crazy-glued hair follicle out of a vacuum.

...when you imagine that everyone else must be leading a much more glamorous and exciting life than you, as you shuffle around in sweatpants and a t shirt a few sizes to small for you. "Maybe some mascara will make my bloodshot eyes look better. Huh, check out those bags! Whoa. Good grief, I feel old!"

...the kind of day when you look forward to crawling back into bed, closing your eyes, sinking deep into a comfortable mattress, and letting everything just go.


...and it's only noon! ; )

Welcome back to me.... now get to work!

It's been a few weeks now since I returned from Thailand. It was such a good vacation; such a good break. A completely new world of people and sights and sounds and smells to explore. A really lovely way to escape for what felt like a really short time.

I was *not* ready to return to Ottawa. I was not ready to be greeted with the sounds of crickets chirping on a incredibly sleepy Saturday night, after being immersed in such activity and energy and people, and all the hubbub that comes along with that. I definitely wasn't ready to head back to work - and to the new, and quite challenging responsibilities that are now on my plate.

I have to say, though, that these changes at work are awesome. WRITING after nearly 4 years off, learning new products, and transitioning to a brand new team, complete with all the quirks and delights that come with getting to know new people. I feel like I've jumped into a refreshingly cold lake - I'm full of goosebumps; my heart is pounding; and there are times when I feel like I can't breathe. But damn! it feels good! : )

"Change is inevitable. Growth is optional. " I think I'm sprouting a new limb or two. ; )

Chohk Dee (good luck!)

I'm off on a Thailand adventure! Come and see for yourself.

lunar landscape

the moon looks to be too full
for the sky tonight

too round
and too bright
for the darkness
that I taste in my mouth

too energetic
for the weariness in my bones

too decadent
for the dirt underneath my nails

too clear
for the cobwebs rattling inside my rusty heart

perhaps I can wrap my limbs around you tonight
and find a place for the moon to exist
in your arms.

-lml june 28/07

sex with strangers?

A woman stood next in line behind S. and me in the express lane at the grocery store.

She was hunched over and wobbly, carrying a bulge in that special space between her shoulders where people over the age of 70 tend to wear their age. She had a warm and open presence. Her smile engulfed the little bit of face that peeked out from under a wide brimmed hat. She peered intently at us, her body positively bubbling with a desire to engage in conversation.

She lay her four items on the conveyor belt.

one package of beef tongues, extra large
one cantaloupe
one small package of ground meat
one box of Trojan condoms


and later in the car, S. and I pondered her choice of grocery items....


S. Did you see what was on the conveyor?
me: Some kind of bloody meat.
S.: It was tongue. Beef tongues. I read the label.
me: Aww, ew. Beef tongues. That's disgusting!
S.: yeah, beef tongues. and condoms.

laughter

me: she's planning a hot date! ; )
S.: She does realize that she is past menopause.
I mean, condoms aren't necessary unless she is worried about catching a disease.

we both pause

S.: Imagine, being 70 years old and having sex with strangers.

A Leaving of Sorts

I let you go.

like a ribbon of cloth
held up against the sky
grasped between my fingers
bucking and whipping,
desperately aching,
in the wind.

I let you go.

tumbling and twisting forward
underneath, on top again, and sideways
buffeted by the elements.

I watched you go.

in that instance,
as my hair whirls and weaves itself around me
and cradles me in curls,
like a diver adjusting
to the break of the surface,
I feel the pressure ease.

the weight lifts from me.
like a binding cloth that peels away from my lungs,
I feel my cloak of claustrophobia,
the sadness that often envelops me in a suffocating sorrow,
disappear.

like something ethereal. it evaporates into the atmosphere.
and what I've carried with me for years.

I watch it go.

-- lml June 18.07

pumped up

The sun is shining on this Saturday morning...

I'm nibbling a Kettleman's bagel smothered with margarine, sipping on a freshly brewed Brazilian Bridgehead dark roast coffee. I've cranked a new Fall Out Boy tune ("Sugar, We're Goin Down Swinging...").

The past week was intense. I put in lots of hours (lots of hours for ME... my hat goes off to people who work these hours regularly!) and felt very involved, motivated, engaged, and focused. It was a powerful place to be! To be so present, so there, and experiencing such fun and adrenalin... feelings I haven't had for awhile at work.

New song... "Open your Eyes - Snow Patrol"...

What was different? I am doing more. Added a few new responsibilities on my plate. Items that got me talking to different people and give me a chance to look outside the immediate team that I work on. And I spent some time interacting with different people within the company asking them about what they do, being actively open to seeing if there are opportunities for change where they are. Being open, I guess.

And feeling some very positive rewards coming from movement.

Outside of work, I have a lovely event this afternoon that I am excited about. With some fellow volunteers, we are presenting to a group of Sparks, girls the ages of 5-8, what to do if they get lost in the woods. It's the Hug a Tree program, originally developed by the RCMP, which Search and Rescue Global 1 now teaches as part of our volunteer organization.

... My Chemical Romance now with "I Don't Love You"...

I operate really well when I am on such a rush. I feel empowered and efficient. I feel good, in the deep trenches of my soul. I feel very positive and I feel the possibilities. It's astonishing how much I learn about what I am capable of when I feel this intensity and adrenalin.

Lighten Up!

How to have fun in life... and other happy moments brought to you by Buddhism.

"You hear a slogan like "Always maintain only a joyful mind," and for the whole next two weeks you're just hitting yourself over the head for never being joyful. That kind of witness is a bit heavy. So lighten up. Don't make such a big deal. The key to feeling at home with your body, mind, and emotions, to feeling worthy to live on this planet, comes from being able to lighten up. This earnestness, this seriousness about everything in our lives — including practice — this goal-oriented, we're-going-to-do-it-or-else attitude, is the world's greatest killjoy. There's no sense of appreciation because we're so solemn about everything. In contrast, a joyful mind is very ordinary and relaxed."

spring has sprung....

a walk in the glebe

I stood under the pink rain
as the cherry blossoms cascaded down

The explosion of color
rendered me breathless
I felt the applause of a thousand celebrations of the new season.

I caught the scent of spring
bouncing delightfully on the warm air currents.

A fragence of fluttering petals
that covered the sidewalk like the jars of candy
you'd find in an old fashioned five and dime

The intoxication of sunshine and green
In a burst of flowers.

A simple symphony for my senses.

sticky from the tape

I fold the flaps towards each other
sealing my belongings
inside a cardboard tomb

as I wander rooms that are
in various states of emptiness

the sense of me
that covered the walls
and table tops
that spilled over surfaces
like paint
dripping a richness
a deep stain
a hue
onto an absorbent surface

are disappearing

I have spilled myself
onto these walls
and into this space

and when I leave
when there is nothing in this place
but an echo

somehow, in these boxes
and these pieces
put together
make up the puzzle

that is me

-- lml april 28/07

Buy buy buy .... Buy More!

"So, hi, I'm Erin. And I wanted to talk with you about all the things you should have for your car."

Hi, Erin.

Let's see. We currently offer a 3 year/60,000 km warranty, but for only $999 plus tax, or $25 a month, you can have the extended warranty for 4 years/100,000 km. And let me tell you, you get all the coverage that CAA gives you, so you don't need that, AND you get 4 free oil changes, so it's practically free."

Uh, no thank you.

"Really, can I ask why?"

It's extra money that I am not prepared to spend. I don't know where I'll be in 3 years. I have no idea what I'll be doing, and I hear that are good cars, so let's leave it at the basic coverage.

"Well, ok, um, did explain to you that we have what's called a fully secured lease. This means that for $10/month, and $9.89/month, and $4/month you can get life insurance, accident/hospitalization coverage, and the most popular, the Walkaway Insurance. Basically, if you lose your job, or get moved to a different city, you can bring your car in and walk away from the lease. If you don't want all of those options, you can just get it partially secured, which means that you take some of the options. Most people simply chose the Walkaway. It's only $4/month. Can I sign you up for that?"

No thank you. I'd like to decline them all.

"You would? Are you sure? You work at Cognos, don't you? And you know how volatile the high tech industry is!?"

Yes, I am sure. Thank you.

"Well, another thing we offer is rust protection. Rust protection is very important for our cars. It protects them in these harsh Canadian winters. We do a full rust proof package for only $599, or $15 a month. How about that?"

No thanks.

"Hmmpf. On your last car, did you have a disabler put in?"

Yes, it was part of the car lease package.

"Oh, well, now it's $299 or $7.50/month and I think it's an important thing to get. Especially since,unfortunately, our are such popular targets for thefts and break-ins."

If it was free, sure. But I don't think I need it.

"Well, if you change your mind, you just let me know. OK!?"

OMG! Just sitting there and feeling that pressure to buy, buy, buy - if I had taken her up on everything she pitched at me, I'd be paying nearly $400/month. Over $100 more than I want to pay for my lease. Ouch!

Tree Hugger

I LOVE this Web site/blog - Treehugger.

It's very frank and has excellent tips for how to work in the life we live in, and how we can do *something* to be more responsible and aware.

I especially love their green guides. They have green guides for everything from How to Green your Sex Life to How to Green your Electronics. And everything in between.

Go on, have a peek. ; )

my house?

Last night I dreamed that I lived in a big house. There were staircases, four in total, that I could climb to reach the very top. The house was very light and inviting, and it had an extensive history of tenants. I decided to try and write a poem about it.

Spiral staircases
make me dizzy
as I climb
up and up and up

the room is simple
awash in beams of
natural light
translucent curtains flutter in the breeze

the couch, in the center of the room
is white and clean
crisply set off
by the darker hues of the banisters and walls

wood brushed with white paint
sponged
textured
smoothed in places by years of touch

the room seems to be underwater
ethereal
soothing
open

I swim through the thick air
towards the window to my right
two large panes that open to the unknown

peeling back the layers of this house's history
like an onion
the skin unraveling to reveal
a sweet and succulent essence

whispers

the whisper came
in the night

the kind that strokes your face
as you nestle your head on your pillow

a kind of softness that tickles
that brings your dream state to the surface
as awareness flows back into the your mind

a whisper of longing
of warmth and craving
a yearning; of love

that you express by flinging your arm across the length of your lover
and pulling them closer

that you subdue with their scent in your nostrils

and that releases as your dreams become deeper
bringing new adventures and escapes

-- lml april 14/07

the sweet nectar of a tipple

alrighty this one is a bit of a jest.. perhaps a little too over the top. I had fun writing it though!
The subject was given to me at a birthday celebration dinner... and I thought I would use it to compose today's poem.

thirst

the lure of the harpie
a burgundy-drenched goddess
her voluptuous curves raised to meet my lips
beckons to me

promising a softening of the edges
a gentleness to the glaring harshness of reality
an opportunity to relax my fragile smile
and indulge in the pleasure of the evening

she calls to me

and the deep dark molasses of the night
foamy and decadent to my mouth
his laughter rumbles deep inside me
his sweat rolls down the glass

echoing her siren's song

-- lml april 12/07

moving

moving spaces and places
thoughts in motion
an aspect of me

moving arms and legs
bodies in motion
the substance of me

moving laughter and loving
transplanting my roots
the essence of me

-- lml apr 11/07

conforming

logic and reason
are structured like walls
black and white truths
protecting
isolating
solid and sure

i live
where lines are blurred
in places where discussions that require absolutes
are difficult to comprehend

i can't find the universal truths
that apply to everyone
that roll of the tongue so easily for some

my gray world is filled with many shades and hues
that swirl together
to form the colors of the rainbow.

-lml april 9/07

Yes!

Here's a poem from e.e. cummings which celebrates the one word we all could use more frequently.

Yes

I thank God for most this
amazing
day; for the leaping greenly
spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;
and for everything
which is natural, which is
infinite, which is yes.

- e.e. cummings

easter egg hunt

In honor of the fact that one of the most chocolatey and declicious events of the year is happening this weekend, I wrote an little poem.

I'm heading to CT to see my family this weekend, so I won't be around. And I won't be submitting any poems. I suspect you'll be just fine with that.

Hoppy Easter! ; )

easter egg hunt
pink plastic protrudes from a pleasant park
yellow yolks yawn in the yard
a blue bouncy bunny brings bounty

and the hunt is on!
the contest to capture containers of chocolate candy and confection

denim dresses dash amongst the daisies
jeans jostle for the juiciest of jelly jewels
happy hands hurl towards hardboiled hens' handiwork
mouths move and mention more mysterious magic

and finally, friends and family fall flat forward in the flowers.
Fun for all. : )

-- lml april 5, 07

Subject Lines

You are looking to get someone's attention, crafting the perfect email, and wanting to add that witty je ne sais quois...

...well, all you have to do is click the Subject: box in a Yahoo mail email. : )

Out pops a randomly generated Subject line. It's brilliant, really!

In honor of the spectacularism of the Yahoo Subject: line generator... here's my poem.

Ode to a Subject

Carving watermelons on Halloween
Do you suffer from uncontrollable falling down?

Leveraging core competency across the extraprise
My hobby is collecting dust

LipSmack heartAttack girlie girl in a pink sleep sack
If the cubicle's a-rockin', don't bother knockin'

you're not as objectionable as you seem to be, are you?
What's the corkage fee at McDonald's?

How to Comb Your Curly Hair

How was tomorrow? I think you know what I mean.
I changed her oil, she changed my life

we have located your pants

things fall apart; the center does not hold
I'd love to, but I'm building a pig from a kit.

It's not you, it's me. I don't like you.

--lml and Yahoo, April 4/07

Happy International Poetry Month!

It's true! April is International Poetry Month!

In honor of the festivities, I'll try (TRY being the operative word) to post a poem every day. Maybe one of mine, maybe one from someone else.

Enjoy!

it's the rain of april
when showers mist the landscape
the earth sucks at the moisture
greedy;
like a hungry child at the breast of a mother

we wait
in reverent silence
for the green to come
as the geese fly in droves
back to their roots

the water flows
making your soul flowers bloom

- lml april 3, 07

tonight

I walked tonight
at the moment when the charcoal of the dark
smudged itself against the pastel violet
of the setting sun

when the stars sparkled
like fools gold
in the depths of the darkest blue waters

where trees rose up
silhouetted against the sky
in greeting
branches, like arms, stretched out in warmth
like long lost friends

where the sounds of the moment
are muted and dampened
and become soft whispers and caresses
changing the landscape of what's known

I walked at night
when the day
transforms itself into a new beginning.

- lml March 28/07

What is suicide and when does it become your responsibility?

The last few days, the issues of control and responsibility and life have been very much on my mind. A couple of people close to me have put them in positions where they want to take control of their lives, and specifically take control of where they lives might be leading or how long they want them to last.

It's obvious that it's a human reaction to want to help someone in need. That's part of love, I think. It's what makes the world go around. I think the desire to help is in each and every one of us, and in some, the hero archetype even rides a white horse and is willing to go through difficult terrain and terrible weather to rescue the victim. To prove to them that someone cares for them and loves them and will take away their pain.

But is that real? Is that truly what would happen if they were saved? I don't think so. I feel pretty sure that when the lights fade, and the hero rides off to another disaster, the person would still continue to wrestle with whatever demons and anguish and pain they feel.

So, at what point do you have to step away from your horse, your self-sacrifice, your sense of responsibility and righteousness, and simply let a person choose their own path and their own destiny? Aren't they going to anyway? What will your suffering do to ease their troubled hearts?

At what point does a person or an institution decide that while they can make the body better, and physically OK, they can do nothing for the soul and the mind and the traumatized psyche that exists in a place where medicine, and touch, and love, and healing can't go.

I suspect this philosophy doesn't sound ethical. It doesn't sound right to just let someone be. Let someone experience the life journey that they are supposed to. On their own terms. And in their own time. I suspect it doesn't sit right to believe that simply by letting go, standing off to one side, providing acceptance and empathy and compassion, and offering to them whatever tools you may have (IF they want them), and acknowledging that you can't do any of this for them. I suspect it seems analagous to Judas washing his hands of Jesus' blood.

It feels like a betrayal, doesn't it? It feels like something criminal and inhumane.

I think it's important to care, if it's truly how you feel. It's important to show someone that you accept them as they are, without asking them to change or be different. I think it's important to feel it in your soul, when you open your arms wide to hold them. I believe it is beautiful to be able to look into someone's eyes and make them laugh, even when they are holding back tears. But it seems impossible and ineffectual to force someone to be a certain way, do certain things, live their life according to your own rules and beliefs, simply because you want them to.

They have to want it. For themselves. They have to want to get better. Want to figure out what is ailing them. Want to find the courage to face the demons that haunt their waking moments. It has to come from them, I think, to be something that will change what they know and take that first step into the unknown.

Sweet Riding

I went to Jay Peak this weekend. It's been about 28 years since I was last there. I didn't remember a single thing about the mountain - not the way the slopes were carved into the mountain side, or the chalets and condos, or how much snowfall they get.

OMG, do they get a lot of snow. They had 30 inches (almost 3 feet) on Friday alone. It snowed all day Saturday AND Sunday! It was sooooooo lovely - feet and feet of soft and powdery goodness. It made everything so hushed and subdued. The sound was dampened. And the quiet was so good for the soul.

I felt like I was scuba diving - that same reverent hush that you feel when you are under water. That same sensation of being cut off from contact with other people; that feeling of isolation; and that oneness with your surroundings.

There's something so amazing about being in a winter storm and being on the slopes. You are so swaddled in with clothes and padding and helmets and safety features. You feel utterly invincible and yet, you stand on that board and feel the elements and take it all in as if you were standing there naked.

You ride your board, surfing the snow dunes like they were waves cresting on the ocean, totally lost in the sound of the whooshing and the glide of the board on the soft surface. Feeling the flex and flow of the board under your feet. Surrendering to the momentum of the hill, the silkiness of the mounds underneath your feet, the wind in your face and your hair, the movement of the trees as they gust and blow. Almost like they are cheering you on.

Talk about a totally amazing ride!

Super Heroes to the Rescue

I thought I'd sit down this morning to try a new concept out - to sit and write and see what comes out of a stream of conscious. I got the idea from Morning pages, which comes from the book, The Artist's Way. I neither have the book, nor do I see myself as an artist.

I am, however, trying to cultivate my creativity. It seems to have gone to sleep for a little bit after I moved here; as I discover this new area, a new home, new area of town, explore some new possibilities at work. That's a lot of "new".

Perhaps my creativity becomes stronger when I feel like I am in a rut, when the world around me feels stale, subdued, faded. Like a fresh coat of paint on a rough and worn surface, bringing a sense of opportunity and spark, I harness that creative outlet like a super heroes donning their cape and Lycra clothes.

Out of a necessity and need to keep me balanced, fresh, hopeful, optimistic.

*Yawn* at Dawn

I thought I was adjusted to the springing forward of an early DST, but this morning, I could hardly drag my butt out of bed. I missed the chirping of the birds and the sun coming through my window.

I suspect it'll all be there again in a couple of weeks. It just proves to me that, once again, I realize how much I enjoy the sunshine. And... that spring is almost here! : )

Because it's true...

Thank you, Walt, for the reminder! : )

"As for me, I know nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,
Or wade with naked feet along the beach just in the edge of the water,
Or stand under the trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with any one I love,
Or sleep in bed at night with any one I love,
Or watch honey bees busy around the hive of a summer forenoon...
Or the wonderfulness of the sundown,
Or of stars shining so quiet and bright,
Or the exquisite delicate thin curve of the new moon in spring...
What stranger miracles are there?”

Walt Whitman, 1819-1892

I am pretty much all settled in - at least all unpacked - in my new Little Italy pad. The place is so cool - very funky, spacious, bright, and in such a good spot. It's really fun being downtown again!! YAY!

oh, and bonus: indoor parking!! Schweeeet!

Gentle Footprint

I read this quotation this morning.

When we walk like (we are running), we print anxiety and sorrow on the earth. We have to walk in a way that we only print peace and serenity on the earth... Be aware of the contact between your feet and the earth. Walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet.

Thich Nhat Hanh

I think you can extend this to include other ways in which we leave footprints in our lives.

Obviously, there is the physical footprint, of how heavy your real foot lands on the Earth and how it can damage what exists; or how lightly you can tread on the ground.

But could it also mean that your footprint can leave a path behind - to lead the way for others, perhaps? Do you choose to travel (footloose and fancy free?) or do you choose to stand still?

Then, there is a spiritual footprint. What kind of mark do you leave on people when you connect with them? How do you choose to relate to them and communicate with them? What kind of mark do you want to leave in this world? Each one of our choices (from the food we eat; to the clothes we wear; to the things we do with our time) has an impact.

How gentle are you?

Therapy in a box

Here I am, a couple of weeks away from moving. I spent all of yesterday packing. I realized last night, as I finished up my 11th box and experienced a pang of wistfulness that I didn't have anything more at that point to pack, that I LOVE packing!

I find it so therapeutic to dive into my material possessions; submerge into that pool of objects and things that I've been carrying around; wade though the items that have significance in my life; and scoop up the rest to give away.

I feel free when I purge and pack. It makes me feel lighter. It makes me feel like I am more responsive and open. That I, subconsciously, have the space to react to new opportunities and experiences. That I don't feel the weight of "things" around my neck.

It also makes me realize that I don't need very much (why, on earth do I have 6 pillows and 3 duvets? what do I do with 13 bath towels? a dozen or so pairs of socks that I don't wear? copious amounts of utensils? and I've collected this only in the last couple of years, OMG!) Plus, I get excited to share my stuff with other people.

I am very fortunate, obviously, and I am happy to take the moment to respond to all that I have in my life. And to simplify. : )

Musings on my mind

Just a quick peek into my brain at 6:49pm....

How do I get motivated to work out? Why am I struggling with this?

How do I boost my immune system, because if the start of the new year is any indication, mine sucks!

Is there any relationship between those first two questions?

Why do I sometimes feel like I'm over the hill, and sometimes I feel like I've barely touched 22?

Where should I travel to this year?

I have a yearning for some change, and I think it's coming. In what way will it manifest itself this year?

Where will I move to in June 2007?

Is my sister going to have a boy or a girl? (Yay, Gina & Stuart!)

Would I be ready to have a child?

Should I buy out my 2005 Echo at the end of my lease in May?

Should I lease something new? If so, what?

What mischief am I going to get into this weekend?

Should I play hooky tomorrow?

What am I going to have for dinner tonight?

ellusive

Happy New Year!

This is something I started writing before the holidays, before I got sick, and before I spent much time sleeping and reading. Life is good! : )

ellusive

ellusive
unlike
sticky pine-scented sap
reside tacky against your skin.

ellusive
unlike
the stinging sharpness of a winter's breath
crystalizing tears against your cheek.

ellusive
unlike
the scent of freshly baked bread, hot
melting the essence of home in your mouth.

- LML Dec 2006

cuddles from a cat; reflections on a family

I am sitting on my couch, getting some serious love from my roomie's cat. She's kneading away at my chest, her paws are strongly suggesting that I need to make room in my heart for her attention, she's burrowing herself into the crook of my arm, and she's purring so loudly, I wonder if it's an old diesel enginge idling outside. I am totally wigged out on her bliss.

And it's making me think of families and love. This beautiful pummeling of my soul aside, I have noticed some strong feelings in myself to want a family. Even if it's something that is transient and fluid. Even if it's something that is easily lost or left behind. Or something that changes the way a river and stream changes with the seasons, the wind, the sunshine, the animals that quench themselves with it's depth and taste. I feel I am comfortable with change and movement. And I would still enjoy the feeling of being able to share my love, my energy, ME, with people that I feel close to. People whom also feel comfortable and interested in spending time with me.
To me that feels like family; like home.

It's WORLD AIDS DAY

It's snowing and sleeting here in Ottawa. I am at home, safe under my roof, warm in my pajamas. I have food in my belly, music drifting through my speakers, and I am feeling incredibly lucky.

A perfect day, I think, to spend some time thinking about how other people are living in the world.

Time to think about AIDS.

Today is World AIDS day.

Around forty million people are living with HIV throughout the world - and that number increases in every region every day. What spreads AIDS? Ignorance and prejudice.

If I can think about this disease, and do one small thing towards stopping it - by making a donation, talking about it, making people more aware, giving just a little - perhaps we can take a step towards finding a cure.